The day I finished my collection 'coffee and vodka' I came up with two smashing ideas for crack one shots. Emphasis on the crack. Ha! Well anyway, here's one of them. Please read and review. Also, any suggestions or critiques will be met with a slap in the face. I mean open arms!
Disclaimer: I just found these characters around the house and I'm not sure if they're mine. I'll use them a bit and then send them back to their creators...maybe
Will was taking a break from the job of King's Ranger. Having to do Halt and Horace's dirty work in all the trio's adventures had caused him to have a numerous break down. He didn't ask to be a killer( "Hey! What is so bad about the Killers?!' Brandon Flowers yells. 'shh' I tell him. 'I'm not writing my band fic quite yet!'). Will just didn't want to be killed by an ox. Or an angry farmer dude. Or evil homophobes that owned scary ass monsters and drank blood. So he and his buddy(interpret that word as you wish) Romano had started hosting a well listened to music show for Redmont's local NPR/BBC radio station. They had been editing some of the audio at the station, and had headed back to Antonio's casa for the evening. After the incidental 'pasta on the dance floor' incident Lovino had been surreptitiously hiding at Spain's.
MEANWHILE IN A GALXY NOT SO BLOODY FAR AWAY
The bad touch quartet were on the road. They were more active than ever with their newest 'member'...drumroll please...no it's not Horace...no! Not Iceland! Ugh do people even come with brains these days? GILAN! Spain and Prussia adored him while francy-pants saw him as a rival. Typical.
They were driving around Narnia(or was it Jules Verne's imagination? I forget) in Prussia's awesome fire truck. Because Prussias too cool for school or a normal automobile. ('I'm cool!' Tré Cool yells behind me. 'I told you guys to wait! I'm speaking English, not Latin!). So they cruised down this highway trying decide where they could spend el noche. France had no desire to go home because well, just deal with it! I need to have a reason for them to end up at Antonio's crashing pad!
A FEW HOURS LATER
The door creaked opened ominously. The house was all dark, except for a small upstairs room. Fortunately the intruders hadn't noticed...yet. They(there seemed to be four of them, but I can't count to save my purple orchid's life) tumbled into the kitchen area of the home. One of them slipped on a stray tomato and fell on the floor with a loud thud.
"Yo Gil dude! What happened to your awesome unseen movement? Kesesese! Guess you're not as awesome as me!" Prussia loudly announced. The lights in the kitchen were flipped on, and the bad touch quartet had a dance party. With a disco ball and grouplove songs. No f
France! The band! Perverts these days...
Upstairs, Romano and Will were confessing their love for each other once again. Guys, I can't write romance. I try, I fail. Love and me can't jive together. But there was some love in that room. And obliviousness to the creeps downstairs. Who needs a pirate/matador when you've got a Ranger? Thought Romano. And Prussia.
Fun fact: I am lazier than Ppain
Fun fact: I am about as lazy as Greece.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Greece's dream: Once upon a time there was a little boy who liked to trick people into thinking he was an American. He and his best friend went to the edge of the world and jumped off. They suddenly knew all of this deep, meaningful stuff. The kind of ideas that make your cranium ache just thinking about. Like if romantic love is real or the existance of alternate universes or if crackfics are worth reading. When two blokes landed they were in a field of imaginary poppies that you could see if you closed your eyes and spun around three times. When they had walked their way out of the field the first boy's friend disappeared and so he boarded a spaceship alone that took him back to his home. His birthday was that day and he received a one pound note and a Model-T Ford. He sat down at a desk made out of spider silk and wrote a song for someone special that the world will never hear. Then he wrote enough poems to fill the lonelinesss holes in people's hearts and enough stories to make the earth sigh and wish it could write its own tales. He whistled and a little cat came and curled up in his lap.
Greece woke up. He had forgotten to feed his cats.("This story needs to be deeper, have more substance!' Hayley Williams advises me. I'm getting sick of this 'sod off' I mumble)
END OF ACT THREE
"And then I said you must like be totally be joking!"
Halt swore. If that damn Polish chick dude didn't shut up he was going to throw him in the moat. Unfortunately, the Ikea store didn't have a moat. Wait? Ikea store?! How the hell had Halt ended up there?! "Damn Vodka bastard" he muttered.
Flashback time, kids!
While Gilan was away on 'important business' (important business my grannies knitting needles, Halt thought) Halt was in charge of Ivan Braginski and his ranger training.
He was showing Russia how to fletch an arrow shaft when two people walked into the cabin clearing. They both, in Halt's mighty, steadfast, and ever-true opinion had too long of hair. Especially the taller brunette the other refered to as 'Liet'
When Russia saw Poland with his favourite leetle Baltic he started kolkolkolkolkoling and wearing a purple mist. Lithuania flipped and tried running off, but Poland grabbed his lapel. Halt was unpreterbed as ever. He'd seen weirder things. Gilan things.
"Like who are you?" this question from a Polish mouth was directed at Halt
"Halt goddamnit. What the hell are you doing? Listen, I don't want any girl scout cookies, home protection system, or charity cases. I have my hands full as it is. Now please move
yourself and your bisexual hippy friend out of my sight. Graci." (HAHA BURN!)
Lithuania nodded at this statement and turned to run away again with same results. Poland, ignoring both of them turned to Russia
"I was like visting leit at your house that the Ranger guy owns, and dude it's like a total headache to look at. So I'm going to like refurbish. Liet thought we should maybe like bring you along." Russia growled even louder. Halt decided to leave.
"Fuck this shit I'm going to the tavern" he told the three nations as he headed for the village.
"Yo Ivan. If I were you I would like totally let Pol redecorate your house because Pol like knows your secret obsession" Liet tapped Poland's arm. "What exactly is his secret? Does it have to do with Gilan?"
"I'll like totally tell you. BRAGINSKI HAS LIKE A THING FOR LIKE CROSSDRESSING!"
Ivan whimpered. "Do not you tell Gilan. He would disown me I'm sure."
And so, Liet Poland Ivan and Halt(they picked him up at the tavern dead drunk. Guess it's true that Brits can't hold their liquor) headed off to the nearest Ikea store to "like totally redecorate that place you live with that ranger-dude"
End of flashback...
They had been in the damn store so long Halt had come out of his stupor. And he was royally pissed at Poland. See, Halt had an irrational fear of furniture stores. True story. And while he didn't have a fear of gay Polish dudes, the one to his right was extremely aggravating and bloody annoying. So Halt did the most logical thing: He punched a large hole in the wall to the outside world. Then he picked up the Pole("Liet this would like totally clash with the purple couch") and threw him out the hole. Poland fell down the stories and landed-splash-in the moat. Moat?! Yes readers, a moat. There always seems to be one there(or a river like in the Kings of Clonmel) for Halt to use. Why use a faucet pipe when you can throw your enemies in a moat?
Halt, Liet, and Ivan all went back to Gilan's cabin and ate ginger snaps and watched Horrible Histories.
END OF ACT FOUR
ACT FIVE
"Ohonhonhon is leetle Romano here?"
"eh you will not get near my tomate pequeño, you cabrón!"
"ohonhon let's check his room!" the four crept up the stairs to Lovi's room. The first thing France saw when he opened the door...Was that ENGLAND?!
Will was standing with his back to the door explaining to Romano that Panic at the Disco really were the Beatles of this generation and how Billy Joe reminded him of Johnny Lennon.
Now, Will happened to be about the same height as Britian. He also had a British accent and messy short blonde hair. So it was no surprise that France thought it was his lover.
France placed his hand on what he thought was England's shoulders. He whispered in what he thought was England's ear "ohonhon Spain did not tell me you would be joining us("no you bastard thats will treaty!" Prussia tried to warn). You and I will have some bedtime fun, Oui?"
Will whipped around and stabbed France's face with a knife. He and Belarus had become best pals, just to let you know.
Prussia smirked. "I told ya. Ya don't fuck with that kid francy-pants. Kesesese!" Will then picked up France and threw him out the bedroom window and brushed his hands off. Gilan and Antonio were still standing in the doorway, jaws dropped. Will pushed the trio out into the hall and slammed the door.
"But wait! My tomate pequeño!" Spain called.
"Dude, you better not go back in there" Gilan advised the Spaniard as he and Prussia guided Antonio downstairs.
So...whatcha think? Hey if anyone's got a crackfic idea for this series let me know! I have at least one more story in the coffee and vodka world. Sorry I didnt update for so long...writers block...