I don't own Night World.

Chapter 12

I'm still in shock when she's finished, sitting against the bookcase and looking blindly out of the window. Only an hour ago, I was in Morgead's arms. Something that was natural and right. And now... everything is different. It's one of those moments when everything shifts perspective, where you find out that you've been acting on a lie.

"But, Jez... it's not just biology that makes a dad."

Yeah. You heard right. It's dad. What shifted and changed; my father is not really my father.

I put my head in my hands and let my hair fall forwards. I should have known, really. Mum said that I'd inherited my flaming red hair from her grandmother, but now I don't believe her. And if I can't trust my own mother, who can I trust? Can I really trust Morgead? It must be so much easier for him to betray me than mum to change my entire world.

"Who, then?"

"What?"

I fix her with a glare. "Who? Who's my father?"

She pauses. "That's the thing. I'm not sure."

I can't help the hiss, though it sounds primitive and animalistic. "What?"

"You have to understand, Jez. Your father was away at war. And I was lonely. I was away from my family, and we'd just moved so I had no friends..." I get up at this point. "I needed something."

I don't even look at her. All I want is to be away from her. She lets me go wordlessly.

I don't think I sleep at all that night. And when mum comes in the next morning and touches my shoulder, I jerk away from her. "You don't have to go to school today if you don't feel like it," is all she says before she leaves.

So I stay at home.

I don't do anything for the entire day except curl myself up into a ball. No-one calls the house, and dad doesn't come by. Left to my own thoughts, with no distractions, I'm almost positive that I will break it off with Morgead. If I can't trust my own parent's love story, how can I trust that Morgead won't hurt me?

When I hear the front door open, I move to sit in front of the door so that mum can't get in. I feel the pressure of the door behind my back, but she doesn't press the matter and leaves after a few seconds. And so I'm left on my own again, just staring outside as the sun drops lower.

I stay against the door, and somehow fall asleep for a couple of hours just before dawn. I still don't let mum in when the morning comes, though I'm starting to feel hungry. She finally leaves for work and I feel myself drift off.

I have one of those dreams that I wish I would never wake up from, because I can't bear to face reality. Just Morgead and I, talking, kissing. And when I wake up, what seems like hours afterwards, I can still feel the ghost of his lips against mine, his fingers against my cheek, hear his laugh echoing in the room. But when it fades away and there's nothing, I just feel empty.

It's about three in the morning, and I feel weak with hunger and thirst, so I stumble downstairs for some water and rip some bread from the loaf, though it makes me feel sick. After that, I stand in the shower until the air in the bathroom is opaque with steam.

Mum is outside the door when I finally get out, and I yelp when I almost run into her. "Jez?" she asks worriedly.

I swallow. "Where's dad?" I croak. I haven't talked in what feels like a lifetime, so it sounds and feels wrong.

She takes a deep breath, which hitches in her throat. "I don't know. I haven't seen him since..." she starts crying right there. "Believe me, Jez. I regret it every day." A lump forms in my throat. So she basically regrets having me. I'm not good enough now I'm not dad's real child. Her eyes widen with chagrin. "No, Jez, I didn't mean it like that. I love you, more than anything."

I run back into my room and sit against the door. She calls my name several times, then gives up.

So now where did I belong? I go to my bag and dig out my phone to see that I have multiple texts from Raven, Hugh, Val and Pierce. Even as I'm scrolling through it vibrates to tell me I've had another text, from Raven, but I don't even look at it, and throw it to the other side of the room. I won't be able to bear Raven's sweet kindness right now, when all I want to do is shout and scream about people and their stupid ways. I'm tempted for a moment to go to Morgead's, but just the memory of dad walking out the door, of him just forgetting me like that is enough to sour me against seeing Morgead ever again. It would be easier if I could just stay here forever.

"Jez?" I hear from the other side of the door.

I consider before snapping, "What?"

"You have to go to school tomorrow," mum says, her voice hard.

I don't answer.

"This is your education, Jez. It's important. More important than what is going on at the moment."

"You think?"

She sounds angrier now. That's good. I deal with anger better. "Yes, I do. You are going to school tomorrow."

"Make me," I say petulantly.

"I will, Jezebel."

She tries to push the door open but I press against it firmly. Although... maybe it would be best to go in tomorrow. I don't have English on a Wednesday, and I felt like I needed to go back into the routine before seeing Morgead again, and having to tell him that I couldn't be with him anymore, as much as I wanted it.

So I was up even earlier than mum and sitting in the kitchen when she came down. She nodded approvingly when she saw me, which very nearly made me go back upstairs in petty rebellion. But she was right, I suppose. I needed to get back to school.

I was actually lucky. I talked to so few people anyway that nobody really missed me, and the one time I saw Morgead I turned and went in the other direction. He couldn't very well chase after me, though I could tell he wanted to. Sometimes, being in a relationship with a teacher has its perks, then. If I ever didn't want to talk to him, I could easily avoid him during school hours.

I didn't go to band practice that night, though. Even though we have a gig a week Saturday. Which may seem childish, but put yourself in my position, and then judge me, okay?

I'm terrified for English the next day. And it's last lesson, so there's all the build-up and the hype in my mind before I see him, and most likely have to talk to him.

I don't see him throughout the day, which I'm not sure is worse or better, and I'm biting my lips to shreds when afternoon registration passes and I have to make my way over to the classroom. I sit in my seat and make myself as small as possible, and thankfully people don't pay attention to me.

Well, except Morgead when he comes in. His eyes widen and he stares at me for a moment, asking where I was with his eyes. I look away as soon as I can, and I can almost feel the hurt coming in waves off him, as if we're connected.

No. Focus, Jez. He'll just hurt you, remember?

I spend the entire lesson looking down or out of the window, because every time I look at him and our eyes meet, my resolve falters, and I can't afford that.

He asks me to stay behind at the end of the lesson, and I stay still as a rock, very definitely not looking at him. He doesn't say anything for a moment, as if waiting for me to start, before sighing. "What's wrong, Jez?" he asks, his voice suddenly business-like.

The tone surprises me so much I shoot a glance at him, but look away when I can read the hurt in his eyes. That won't help either. "I can't say," I tell him, and I flinch when he stands up suddenly and takes a step towards me, before checking himself.

"Why not?" His voice was edging ever-so-slightly to desperation now.

I close my eyes. "I can't say," I repeat.

His tone goes back to business-like. "If you don't want to do the tutoring anymore, that's fine."

I look back at him and stop breathing at the cold iciness in his eyes, hard and sharp as emeralds. Maybe I should tell him, so that he knows why. If it makes him happier, then that's good, isn't it? "At least one more," I say, hoping that he hears what I mean in my voice.

And he seems to, because his eyes soften. "Okay. But whatever it is, Jez, you're strong enough to handle it. You know that, right?" Now his eyes are like green flames. I don't respond, and he leaves the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I let him confuse me. Now when I go to the tutoring tomorrow, he'll dig himself even deeper into me, I would fall even more in love with him. But I had to stop that, I couldn't rely on him. On anyone.