Chapter 13

It's almost a surreal moment when I force myself to go to band practice the next day.

Hugh doesn't look at me, though Thistle came and she hugs me. If there's anyone who would be there for me all the time, it would be Thistle. If only because she likes trying on my leather jackets. Val is Val. He makes me laugh and comforts me just by being himself. Pierce smiles at me, which is the same as a massive bear hug for other people (whereas for Val a bear hug is like a smile), and I actually sing better than I have in a long time. I have an unbroken night when I go to sleep for the first time since dad left.

Morgead gives me furtive glances quite often in the English lesson the next day. I try not to catch them, but it happens way too often for my taste. Every time our eyes do meet, it's like a lightning bolt going through my body, and all I want is to let him kiss me over and over tonight, to make me feel like someone will still want me and love me, even if I don't trust him enough to let myself love him.

But that wouldn't help. So it is with great control that I walk up his driveway that evening.

He says my name when he opens the door, which is almost enough to break me, but I try not to respond. I think he may have noticed the tremble, though.

He makes it even harder then, holding my shoulders and steering me towards the library, sitting me down on the comfiest chair and holding my hands. "What is it, Jez?" he asks softly.

I fight the tears back stubbornly, and embarrass myself when I take a deep breath and it hitches in my throat. "It's dad," I answer.

He frowns. "Is he alright?" he asks.

"Yes, he's fine."

"Did he find out about us?"

"No."

"Then what is it?" he gently puts a finger under my chin and lifts my head to meet his gaze.

"He left."

His eyes tighten slightly. "I'm sorry," he says, brushing away the tears that I hadn't realised had leaked out.

"It's not just that." He frowns, but doesn't say anything, just lets me gather my thoughts. "It turns out... he's not my biological father. My real father is some random guy I never met in my life."

"Jez..."

All he says is my name, but it's enough to make me almost throw myself at him. He holds me and rocks me as if I were a small child.

"But, the thing is, Morgead..." I say as he's stroking my hair. I force myself to pull back. "It's just that, if I can't trust my own parents, who can I trust?" he's silent, watching me with grave eyes. "And I don't see how, if they didn't have a happy ending, we could... have one."

He brushes away some tears again. "I know how you feel, Jez. But I think we'll regret it so much more if we don't fight. You know as well as I do that we need each other to be happy."

"How do you know how I feel?" I ask softly.

He sighs and takes hold of my hand. "I never knew my father myself. My mother didn't know, so how could I? She was the type to have a new boyfriend every week," the disgust in his voice is evident. "And then when I was eight, she decided she'd had enough. Never saw her again. She did leave a note, though. That she was going to some Eastern European country with some guy she'd picked up. I found out a year ago that she died of a drug overdose."

I can't speak for a moment. Really puts things into perspective when someone has a really difficult time. I suddenly feel selfish and pathetic. At least I always had someone who cared for me, instead of having to make my own way through the world.

"I'm sorry," I say, squeezing his hand. "You're right. I'm being an idiot."

"What?" he suddenly shouts. I jump. "I never said that! I just wanted to show you that you could trust me, because I would understand. I don't blame you for anything. You acted better than a lot of people do. Better than I did."

"You were eight."

He pulls me closer, and I let him. I lean against his chest, feeling his heart beat against my cheek. "What did you do, then?" I ask him.

"I joined a gang."

"Oh. Okay. You didn't handle it too well, then," I say, which makes him laugh.

"So are we alright, then?" he asks, kissing the top of my head.

To answer, I kiss him.

...nw...nw...nw...

It's better when I get home. I start realising that I shouldn't punish mum too much about it. Although it was her fault, she was my mother.

So when I see her sitting in the living room, blindly watching the floor, I go in instead of running upstairs as my instincts tell me to.

"Mum?" I say softly.

The relief on her face is evident as she sees me in the doorway. "Jez. Oh, Jez. I'm sorry. I should have come to pick you up."

I sit next to her on the sofa. "No. It's good. I needed to think anyway."

She touches my hand, and when I don't pull away she hugs me. "I'm sorry about everything, Jez. I just thought that he would never find out, and that you would never find out."

I look down at my knees. "Why did you do it?"

She sighs. "Your father was away at war, and he'd been gone for a year. I was never good at making friends, but men were always... interested in me," she sounds disgusted. "I was young and lonely. I thought no harm would come of it. But I don't regret having you. You have to understand... it's a thin line. I regret doing what I did, but I got something so amazing out of it. You're all I could ever want in a child." She strokes my hair, and I feel comforted. Maybe I could trust her. Even if I never saw dad again, we'd still have each other, right? After all, she was the one who'd paid for all the music lessons, and let what I dreamt become reality.

"What about dad?" I whisper.

Her arms tighten around me. "I don't know," she whispers back. And then she's crying.

I don't know how long we stayed there, holding each other and crying, but I was exhausted when I finally went to bed, and fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I walked around town and Christchurch Park the next day. It was a nice day, very warm for winter, and I wanted to be alone. Anyway, the squirrels always made me laugh.

And it was when I was walking around the arboretum when I saw him.

He was sitting on a bench alone, and I'd frozen in shock. "Dad?" I'd called out.

He'd seen me then, and his eyes had widened, before he'd gotten up. I'd started walking towards him, but he'd run in the opposite direction.

I was frozen for a couple of minutes, unable to force myself to run after him. Well, that was it. He didn't want to know me anymore.

I don't go home for a long time, and instead go to Val's, but no-one is there. I consider going to Pierce, but he's not really the type to comfort.

Well, there was nothing to it. I had to go see Hugh. He knew me well enough to comfort me.

He is home, and after the shock of seeing me standing there, his face goes a bit smug. "Something you want, Jez?" he says.

I sigh. "I needed someone to talk to. Can I come in?"

He stands aside. "My parents are out," he says as he guides me into the living room with that annoying hand-on-the-lower-back thing. I don't protest, though. "So what's up?" he says once we've sat down.

I squeeze my hands together as I look down. "Dad doesn't want to know me anymore."

Hugh is quiet for a minute. "But... why?"

"He left a few days ago. And I just saw him in the park and he ran away from me."

"Are you sure he just didn't see you?"

"He ran, Hugh. When was the last time you saw him run?"

"But he... what happened, Jez?"

I bite my lip. "I don't want to say at the moment. I'll tell you soon, but not right now."

He puts a hand on my shoulder and I lean into it gratefully. "Maybe what you need is a distraction. Shall we go to a club or something? Then you won't even be able to hear yourself think."

I smile at him automatically. "Okay. That sounds like fun."