Chasing Glory

By Lanie

Disclaimer: I do not own Vampire Diaries or Delena.

A/N: Just so everyone is clear, this story is AU from the first episode of the fourth season onward. I have not and will not take the second episode or any of the upcoming episodes into consideration when I'm writing this story. Also, constructive criticism is welcomed! Thanks!

Chapter 2

"Hi Elena!"

Caroline danced into the room, a ray of sunshine as bright as ever. Elena wouldn't admit it out loud, but every time she'd seen her blond friend since the transition it had left a bad taste in her mouth. It was only today, looking up at the bright light in her eyes, that she realized what it was. Elena faked a smile, swallowed her pride, and stood up to hug her friend.

"Hi Caroline," she said carefully.

It was jealousy. Elena was undeniably jealous of Caroline. She was a vampire too; she had gone through the same thing that Elena was at that very moment. But staring at her right then, she couldn't remember a time when she had looked more human. And the more she felt it, the more she hated herself for it. All Caroline was trying to do was help. What was wrong with her?

"How are you feeling? How much has she been keeping down?"

Caroline turned around, changing the direction of her speech from Elena to Stefan as he entered the room behind her. Elena seethed and bit her lip to keep from saying something she didn't mean.

"About the same as ever I'm afraid."

"Have you tried the animal blood again?"

She bit harder.

"This morning."

"And?"

"She still can't seem to make it stick."

"Guys!" Elena cut them off suddenly. This was how it had been every single time someone had come to visit since she'd turned. She couldn't stand it. She was still Elena; she was still herself. "I'm right here. You can talk to me about this."

The room was silent as they blinked at her, and she felt her face flush immediately.

"Of course," the warm smile returned to Caroline's face and she nodded. "Stefan, do you think we could have a few minutes? Girl time?"

"Yeah, of course," Stefan smiled at her and she forced herself to smile back at him. "I'll be downstairs if you need me."

As soon as he'd left the room, Caroline spun around and pulled Elena down onto the corner of the bed with her.

"Okay Gilbert, spill. What on earth was that all about?"

Elena's cheeks flushed once again and she looked down at the floor.

"I'm sorry, Car, I don't know what's wrong with me," she said.

"I do," Caroline opened her mouth and her fangs appeared, razor sharp and deadly. The same ones Elena had now. Caroline pointed to her mouth and tapped one knowingly. "This is what's wrong with you."

"No," Elena said immediately. "I mean yes. I mean... I don't know."

"What is it, Elena?" Caroline's fangs disappeared and her playful tone faded into worry. "Is something wrong? I mean," she laughed uneasily. "Something else... related or otherwise unrelated to your current situation?"

Elena listened carefully for the youngest Salvatore downstairs, and heard the front door shut quietly. Stefan was being a gentleman, as always. The guilt was crushing her. She swallowed.

"Elena?"

"It's nothing," she whispered. "I'm fine."

"Elena Gilbert don't you try that bullshit with me," Caroline said. "He can't hear you. It's just us. Now spill."

"I just... I feel like I can't breathe," Elena bit back tears that jumped to the front of her eyes. "I know everyone means well; Jeremy, Matt, Stefan, you. And that's why I can barely stand it. I want to be the girl you guys know. I'm trying, I promise you I am. But nothing feels right, and right now I just can't breathe."

The room was silent once again. Caroline reached over and took her hand. A tear slipped down the edge of Elena's face. It was the first time she had admitted it out loud, and it sounded even worse than she'd imagined. Caroline squeezed her hand and she forced herself to continue.

"It just feels like... I can't learn to be me again if no one lets me try. Time is going by, and I know people are getting frustrated. I know you guys. But I don't even know how to be a vampire."

"I'm sorry Elena," Caroline said slowly. She wrapped both of her hands around Elena's. "Sometimes I forget..." she trailed off, staring at the wall. Suddenly, she stood up and through her arms in the air excitedly. "Oh! I know! I've got it!"

"What?" Elena said, confusion twisting itself into her features.

"Is Jeremy home?" Caroline asked excitedly.

"Um, yeah, I think so..." Elena quickly wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. "He should be in his room, why-"

"Because I have an idea," Caroline declared, and danced her way back out of the room.

Almost a half hour later, they were all there, perched on the edges of their seats in the living room. Matt was across the room, watching every movement, shouting random spouts of encouragement. Caroline and Stefan were staring intensely at her, biting their lips, waiting for some sign of success. Matt was Jeremy was sitting in the armchair staring into his sister's eyes as she leaned over him, her dark hair pulled back out of her eyes into a ponytail. Elena pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, glaring into her brother's as she spoke to him.

"I kinda feel like she's trying to kill me with her eyes," Jeremy shrank back into the cushion of the chair. "It's weird."

"Jeremy, shush." Elena could see Caroline out of the corner of her eye as she stood up and paced around the room. "Elena, relax."

"Say it like you mean it," Stefan said for the third time that afternoon. "Like he has no choice but to believe you."

Elena tried the words again, trying her best to ignore the pulsing at the base of her brother's throat.

"Jeremy, you're going to eat that vegan pizza on the counter in the kitchen," she repeated. "And you're going to like it."

"No, I'm not," her brother shook his head. "I'm really not."

Elena sighed and fell at her brother's feet. She could feel their eyes on her, waiting for her to say something. Feet shuffled. Matt sighed. Everyone was always watching her. She could feel the panic rising in her stomach and it was getting harder to repress with every passing second.

"Don't give up," Caroline said finally, the excitement in her voice wavering. "You're... almost there."

"Yeah Elena," Matt put in reassuringly. "I'm pretty sure I heard some hesitation in his answer this time."

Elena shook her head.

"No," she stood up quickly. "Thank-you, all of you, but I don't think it's working. It's not working."

"Elena..." Stefan was next to her, rubbing her arm, comforting her like he always did. She couldn't take it anymore.

"Can all of you just let me breathe for 5 minutes?"

That was it. Now she'd done it. The room went silent, every eye in the room staring purposely away from her. She could feel the tears building up behind her eyes once again, but she put her hand over her mouth and willed them back. This was exactly what she had been afraid of, and now she'd done it.

This wasn't working. Not at all.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

She could hear the wind in the trees outside and she shivered involuntarily. She wasn't even cold. She hadn't felt cold since she'd hit the water when they'd driven off the bridge, like needles hitting every inch of her body. Taking her last human breaths away from her. Killing her.

"I'm just really tired. I'm sorry."

She left the room before anyone could say anything, and shut herself in her room. She lay down on her bed and curled herself up in her sheets. They felt so different against her skin now. They were scratchy and foreign. Like every nerve ending in her body was working twice as hard, allowing no room for familiarities.

A tear rolled down the edge of her cheek and she wiped it away angrily. She was tired of crying and being the damsel in distress. Becoming a vampire had certainly made her stronger physically, but it was as though it had crumbled her emotions in the process. And she hated it. She wanted to be Elena Gilbert, the girl everyone leaned on. The girl who, despite being relatively small, felt needed.

She lay there for hours, spinning her daylight ring around on her finger, again and again. She listened to the footsteps of her friends as they paced downstairs, to Caroline's worried voice as she said good-bye through the door.

"You know where to find me if you need me, Elena. Love you."

She heard the front door shut as they left, one by one. Eventually, Jeremy and Stefan left as well.

"We'll be back in a bit, Elena. I left some food in the microwave."

She'd laughed at that one. Food, like it was some kind of soup or a homemade biscuit. Like it wasn't a mug filled with the deep red human fluid. Like she was actually normal or something.

But as they left and the door shut behind them, she curled up tighter and let the tears fall. They were just trying to do what she wanted. Always just trying to help.

The room darkened as night fell over the world once again. She slid her daylight ring off her finger and put it in the pocket of her jeans. She felt instantly calmed, as though it's presence had clouded her mind and now she could see clearly. The feeling built in her chest. It was now or never, and she knew what she had to do.

She untangled herself from her sheets and got up, walking over to her dresser and picking up her diary. It had been weeks since she'd even looked at it and it seemed strange to her, like it wasn't even hers anymore. Memoirs of another girl. She tore out and page and picked up a pen, readying her thoughts. There was nothing she could say that wouldn't hurt them - that wouldn't hurt Stefan. She took a deep breath and decided on honesty. It was the only thing she had left.

Dear Stefan,

I'm sorry but I have to do this. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore and I've tried, but I can't seem to find myself here. I love all of you with all of my heart. I know I don't have a right to ask for anything right now, but it would mean a lot to me if you could pass on the message. Thank-you for trying, I know you did everything you could. Please don't come looking for me. I'll come back when I can.

Love,

Elena

She made her bed and folded up the piece of paper, placing it carefully on top of her pillow. Grabbing her jacket and a scarf, she opened the window at the far side of the room and looked out into the night. The air was crisp and dry. When there was no sign of anyone around, she climbed onto the windowsill.

She let herself look back at her room one last time. It was the same room where she had grown up, where her parents had kissed her goodnight, where she had practiced her cheerleading routines until she thought her legs would fall off. But now the room felt like a crypt. It belonged to a human girl, with a life ahead of her.

She slid out and let herself fall to the ground, still surprised at how gracefully she was able to land on the lawn below. The night air filled her up and for the first time in weeks, she felt free.

She took a deep breath, and then she ran.