For three whole seconds they focused on me as I gave the thumbs up. Then they shot back to Peeta. I don't think I want to hear anymore. Next thing you know he'll be telling them I've been hunting off the land and I'll be prosecuted.
"I'm going to leave for the apartments." I told Effie softly. She smiled at me and waved as I walked away. My bare feet made a padding sound on the ground as I made my way to the elevator. We never got to go anywhere in the Capital. We were forced into this same building. I only got to go to the training area and to the District 12 apartments. I rarely even got to go to the makeover center, where Cinna and the stylists worked on me.
As the elevator rose I could still see what was being said in Peeta's interview but I really didn't have to worry. He was only telling them a story about how much he loved Katniss and why. I wasn't from the Capital and I couldn't, with a good conscience, watch Peeta tell me something that wasn't my business. Plus, I rather liked Peeta and Katniss together. They'd be very happy loving each other or at least I hope that they would, see how if they ever met again I'd be dead.
Oh let's face it, that's not what I'm thinking about. How am I going to look at Haymitch in the face now? What if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore? What if he thinks that it was all for the press? What if he doesn't love me anymore? Did he ever love me? All of those moments where I was sure he was going to kiss me, that time after the re-aping, on the train, in my room, and right before the interview were they real or where they just me? Am I so stressed that I'm making these things up? He never made an advance before the re-aping so how could I be sure?
I couldn't I suppose. Haymitch is much deeper than other people seem to understand. He'd rather you think him a simpleton merely because then you've underestimated him. Most people haven't stuck around after meeting him for the first time. They don't understand how broken he is, they don't know that he drinks to get rid of the nightmares from the Hunger Games. They don't know that with every drink it erases the memory of the boys and girls that he's prepared to kill other people. They don't see him curled around a picture of his family that was killed simply because he outsmarted the caretakers during his games. They don't understand that he's so lonely that he fears anyone getting close enough to love him and then leave him.
True, it took me a long time to figure out why he did a lot of things but I do and they don't. What gives them the right to judge anything he does when they don't know him? I'm fuming just thinking about all the people who have looked at him and seen nothing but the surface.
As the elevator dinged, announcing my arrival back to the District 12 suite I rushed my way through the apartment and to my room. There was no way I was going to stay in the living quarters. That would mean I would actually have to stay and talk it all out with Haymitch. I can't do that, after that interview, after drawing on so much of my former self it's just in possible for me to do anything but sleep right now.
I slammed the door closed behind me and locked it. The room was as gorgeous and amazingly awe inspiring like the very first time I saw it but now I was too scared of my own shadow. I had to think of something else instead. What could I think about?
The Hunger Games.
I'd avoided it. I'd trained for the day, and forced myself to forget about the date. Tomorrow was the beginning of the Hunger Games wasn't it? Everything was coming to a head. Soon all of this anxiety was going to build into a few seconds of the cornucopia and then I'll have to go through the games. One year it lasted six months in total because the last two contestants were so good. Two years before that one, the twenty-third Hunger Games, it was all over in a matter of minutes because of the rush for the Cornucopia. What would be in the cornucopia? It's always something tempting, medical supplies, tents, food, water, weapons, always mounds and mounds of weapons.
They start with the least helpful and then as you get to the cornucopia it becomes more important. I can guarantee that all of the axes, if there even is any axes, will be smack dab in the middle and my twelve will mean that everyone will be weary, and coming after me. Oh, God, I didn't even think about that. The twelve could be my major downfall.
I shucked my dress and grabbed for something else, anything else. My hands landed on a pair of bright green pajamas that hung close to me. I tugged them on with no thought towards them.
I flopped on the bed, unprepared to think about all of this, my head was already hurting. To make it worse, I heard movement outside, in the living area, loud movement. I stayed as still as possible on my bed; subconsciously my lungs sucked in a deep breath and held it within themselves. I was rewarded with loud talking, slams and heavy footfalls.
"Leave her alone!" Effie shouted, it's all I could make out of the voices that were all speaking.
"Haymitch!" Peeta's voice sounded with a chorus from what I believe is Cinna, Portia, and my stylist's voices. Their exclamation was followed by a resounding thud against my door that forced my body to jump. It was loud, and closer than I thought they were. I put my hand over my mouth and forced air in and out through my nose as I listened carefully. The group was still trying to persuade Haymitch to do something, leave me alone I suppose but I couldn't be sure from here.
Suddenly, "Shut the hell up!" Haymitch screamed over all of them. "Why don't take a foot and shove it up your ass. This is between me and her, not you!" There was a silence both in my head and from the people standing in the hall. I was paralyzed all over. How could I possible respond to that? He was angry; I could tell but was it from my confession? Am I stupid? It has to have been from my confession what else could it possibly have been from? The fucking rain?
I felt my breath starting to speed up again as I panicked. What was wrong with me? Stress is what is wrong with me.
"Katfir, open up!" Haymitch shouted but I didn't move an inch. I shouldn't have done what I did. I should have just gone through the interview without saying more than two words like Thresh did. I wouldn't be in this situation if I hadn't have had that little thought. "Katfir!" He shouted but I could only flinch away farther from the door. I heard shuffling and then the sound of a scuffle. I rose to a sitting position in worry, what the hell was going on now?
The tension finally got to me. I couldn't stop my body as I hesitantly rose from my lying postion and padded to the door, passing my abandoned high heels along the way. I placed my hand on the door knob and hesitated. Did I really want to face this? What if Haymitch said he was disgusted by me?
What if I never know? It's already gnawing at me now, how would I stand it if I died in that ring not knowing if he loved me? How would I live when I came back alive and he didn't love me? How would I know if I needed to try to stay alive or not? Everyone can live without me but what do I have to live for? Who has stayed by me since he met me? Haymitch.
But I don't think I could deal with it, just knowing now that there is even a chance he could not love me back is killing me. No, no I wouldn't tell him. I'd avoid him as much as possible, which I can't get pretty far doing. So far I know what's going to happen tomorrow. First I would be taken a way by the guards and then guided into a chamber where I'll be washed down and checked for any serious injuries, or medical problems. Then Cinna will help me change into the outfit that I will be wearing for my entire…stay at the arena.
I moved back from the door and ducked for the bed, ignoring the speaking outside, which was slowly going farther away from my room until I couldn't hear the raised voices. Instead I sat back on the bed, less crazy then before but even more tired then before. I sighed and pulled the covers out. I'd get a bath in the morning, or maybe I'd even wait and I could just let the stylists do it, since let's face it it probably won't be just one bath, just like the last few times I've been down there.
I sighed and rubbed my face with my hands. I was hopeless, but I'm going to forget it for now. I need sleep, a real and truly deep sleep because there really isn't going to be any time to sleep in the arena if I want to stay alive. I'll probably have to find a few holes in the ground, if the arena has holes for all I know it's got nothing there but a dessert, like the 23rd games.
I tugged the blankets over me and sighed. This was going to be so horrible, even being me…other self there was no way that I could possibly be sure that I was going to win, but I believe I have a chance. I don't know if I will even be capable of using them, because I have to be truthful, the only ting that I could possibly use, while in this human form is remember, and possibly call on a few lesser things, for example the high heels.
I was lucky to be able to hide my scar, but that won't hide it for to long. I know that my magic like this usually last long but if I get injured to badly the magic will break and lets face it these games will cause me to get injured massively.
I sighed and sat up from my laying position. I couldn't not think about it. How could I when my life was going to be on the line in such a limited amount of time? Ugh…I threw the blankets away from my legs and walked to the door. Hesitantly I opened it a little. I glanced around, but no one was outside. I slipped out of the door and towards the elevator, being cautious about my noises and my walking. I pasted by Peeta's room but to my surprise the door was open. I peeked inside of the grand doors, but the room almost matched my own, expect for the satin sheets, his were blue while my room was grey. The bathroom wasn't going, and the door was open to that as well so I curiously walked farther into the living area.
No one is there, thankfully, but I'm still curious about where Peeta could have gone. It's very late, way past time to eat I believe and there aren't many places he could have gone. My bright green eyes caught on the elevator doors and I wavered a moment and my eyes trailed to the door that led to the emergency stairs except the doors were being propped open. I walked silently over to the doors and I opened them, walking in. The walls of the stairs were the same shiny black metal that the rest of the building was made of. I looked around, but I couldn't figure out why he would go downstairs, but why would there be an up? If we're District 12 then shouldn't this be the last floor?
So carefully walked up the black. Almost see through glass and I was cautious even with what I consider my small weight that I might fall through the glass if I pressed down to hard. There was a twirl to the steps, and I was surprised because there has to be at least fifteen steps here, maybe its to get over the high ceiling. Finally I arrived at a plain black wooden door. I paused, thinking for a moment of going back to my room and trying to force sleep on me but there was no way I could go to that depressing room surrounded by only my thoughts and worries.
I tugged on the door and it came open with a slight creek to it. I opened it fully and to my surprise I was at the roof and not another room. I look around and it's made of tile, guards around the edges with a shocking electrical fence, keeping any desperate people from jumping over the edge of this tall building and splattering our guts onto the pavement in a way to get out of the tournament.
Right at the edge is my best friend, Peeta sitting close to the fence so that he could look down on the ruckus that was going on in the crazy neon colored streets of the Capital. I could even see the colored lines of the streets that were farther out in the city. He hadn't seen me and its dark enough out here that had the lights from down in the street not been there he would have been nothing but a shadow. I walked farther out into the roof before I stopped to think this over. Racking my mind for a reason not to speak with him, the lights hit Peeta's blonde hair for a moment and I suddenly felt like my sister was the luckiest girl in the world.
"Shouldn't you be sleeping Peeta?" I teased him. He turned surprised and I smiled at him. Walking closer to him I managed to sit down on the ledge right next to him. He was wearing his pajamas, something I had neglected before. Peeta laughed a little bit as well.
"Shouldn't you?" Peeta mocked right back. I grinned at him but there was nothing we could do. There is so much hanging over us, and I couldn't even express how much I needed to tell him, my best friend. I guess it's just going to be shoved out there.
"I don't know which of us is going to win but I want you to know something Peeta…" I muttered to him, straight to the point and meaningful. I placed my hand on his arm and squeezed it to get my point across. "You've been my best friend for a long time and I want you to know that, I want you to know I've treasured our friendship." I told him. Peeta looked straight in to my eyes and I tried my hardest to remember the blue of his eyes and the high cheekbones of his face.
"You aren't…mad?" Peeta tentatively asked me as he shyly ducked his head a bit.
"For what?" I inquired of him.
"For…me loving your sister?" Peeta asked me, glancing up at my eyes.
"Of course not." I said, snorting at him. "Well," I conceded. "I'm kind of just glad that it wasn't me you were in love with." I laughed at his expression as it looked both uncomfortable and disturbed.
"Um, I-I don't, I'm sorry…" Peeta tried to stutter out, making me laugh hysterically.
"Relax Peeta, I'm not insulted or anything." I shooed away his concern and decided teasing was funnier. "Besides as thankful as I am for you, and as handsome as you are, I do not really see you as someone to love." I grinned at him and he grinned at me and for a moment my mind flashed back in time to all of those days at school, learning about mining, and the history of Panem. Back then things were hard, but much simpler then now. Peeta was the only one who would talk to me, what with Katniss stuck at home and Prim in a different class then me. I hardly ever talked to any one besides Peeta.
Peeta's expression now is weird like it's a mixture between sadness and displeasure or should I just go ahead and say loathing. "Katfir…" Peeta starts and only by his expression I can tell that whatever he's about to say isn't going to like him very well at all. "Do you think it was right? What you did?" Peeta asks me. I was right; I didn't like it at all.
"I…" I started and then sighed. "It was a cowards way out but…I don't want to see him because if I see him face to face and he doesn't love me back then…I don't think I would have tried to come back at all. Peeta, Haymitch is my everything, as corny as it is." So solemn was that statement that now it was my turn to look down at the streets below us where all of the people were still going strong. I wonder what they are celebrating. Surely they aren't celebrating the death of twenty-four people? I mean most of the careers want nothing but to be in the Hunger games but some of us don't want to die for other people entertainment.
"I guess I understand." Peeta muttered. We were silent for a minute and then he sighed. "It was kind of cowardly of me to not tell Katniss to her face." Peeta smiled half-heartedly but I couldn't blame him for this because it was all sad and really horrible for us. I know Peeta comes from a higher standing in District 12 and I come from the Seam but I pretty much doubt that it's that much better seeing as no one in District 12 is that well off.
"Yeah, but is it really being a coward? I like to pretend that it's just a better way of motivating me to come back so I can find out if he does love me." I admitted to him, smiling at him. He looked at me and smiled softly to.
"If he doesn't love you – then there really is something messed up in his brain." He told me and touched my shoulder. I looked down at the people and screwed up my face as I saw some of the crazy people of the Capital. "Are they in costumes?" Peeta asked me curiously.
"To me it looks like they're always wearing costumes." I joked. Peeta chuckled at my joke but it was short lived. I looked at him, really taking in the shadows under his eyes and the worry lines that have developed on what used to be a young man's face. "What is it Peeta?" I asked him. He snorted.
"I was never a real contender of the Hunger Games." Peeta said, and then he waved away any protests I tried to say. "I can't do anything like you can. I'm not good with an axe and I can't survive on my own. The only thing I'm good at is camouflage or maybe climbing, from going upstairs…" Peeta rambled, criticizing himself horribly. Some times I think that Peeta and I are similar in that way but Peeta doesn't have a reason to hate himself.
"Peeta, you are good enough for this." I told him seriously, scooting close enough that our knees touched each other at the shins. "You've got your strength, and camouflage is a big asset, it means you can hide wherever you are. If I'm not in a forest I doubt I'll make it past the first hour, much less the cornucopia." I admitted and every word was true of course. I don't know anything about other terrains. There are a few rocky parts outside of District 12 but not enough if there weren't any trees. Any snowy terrain might be okay because it snows a great deal in District 12. I know how to look for roots under the snow and even boil the snow, if I manage to get something that will make fire. Any other terrain I haven't encountered, though we've read about the basics, like the oceans, and the place south of us where it's hot and there are no summers.
"Maybe, but I don't know if I can…do it." Peeta muttered, and fumbled over his last wording. I felt bad for him but for myself as well. I highly doubt if I can take a life, even if 'technically' I've taken lives plenty of times, when I'm not human. It's always hard, because I know that if I had not killed them then they might have had a life. But I'm going to hope that this will be better, because it doesn't matter who it is that kills them because either way they won't live long enough to get out of the arena. All but one of us has to go and as horrible as it is, I'm hoping it's me that comes out a live. If I do…die though, I hope Peeta wins. Maybe if we have another winner in the District we won't be so poor. We'll get more capital favor and then they'll clean up the ridiculously primitive working conditions.
"I don't know if I can either." I muttered, the people down below us were still going strong, and the ruckus they were making was even reaching us up here. I don't know whether a parade was happening or it was just a group of people having a party. Either way they must have been having a wonderful time down there with no worries, no wondering if tomorrow they were going to have to worry about whether they'll get to eat or whether they'll find shelter for the night, and if they were going to be killed in the next second. "But if I can't…I won't miss these Capital people. They have no sense of fear, no sense of living." I muttered. If I looked straight down then I could see the golden roadway that we rode in by. It was just a strip now, but a glittering strip with silver lining it. It reminded me that to these people it's a game, not a massive killing of twenty four children, some of which haven't even known what the world's about.
"I won't go down without a fight, so I'm sure when the time comes I can…kill." He hesitated but the determined look in his eyes made it clear that he had a strong conviction to come out of this. "Only I keep wishing that…I could show the Capital that I wasn't some piece in their games, that I'm my own person." He muttered. I smiled at him, yes me and Peeta defiantly had some similarities.
"If there was a way to do that, I would try to do it, just to see the looks on their faces when for once everything doesn't go as they plan them to." I nodded at him. He grinned at me. "But the Capital, sadly does own me." I muttered, picking at the bottom of my clothes. "I've got to protect my mom, and my two sisters." I noted. Peeta winced and sighed.
"I don't think my parents would mind so much." Peeta sarcastically said. "Hardly anything about me makes them unhappy." I couldn't deny. The Baker was a good guy but his wife…she keeps a tight leash on the father, and beats Peeta any chance she gets. That's usually what the Seam ends up turning families into, if they aren't to busy trying to scrap together a living they're fighting amongst each other.
"They'd be sad, and hey maybe your Mom will finally see what she's been doing to you all of these years. But Peeta, if I don't make it…" I hated to think of that alternative but it was there and something that I had to think of. "And you do, please just…take care of my family, please?" I asked him.
"If you do it when you win." Peeta told me seriously. I nodded and we fell into a comfortable, foreboding silence that surrounded us, if not suffocated us. This anticipation made me wants to go ahead and cut the skin off of my arm, just so that it'll start. Why should I have to wait when I know that I'm going to have to go through something that I have never wanted to do? This situation has all just taken over my mind and it wasn't getting better.
I just hope that I don't go insane in the arena. There was a guy like that a few years ago, maybe on the 62nd game. He spent three nights stuck in a cave with no lights, and no food or water. When he got out he went on a rampage managing to kill six tributes before the victor took him finally took him down with the help of what I suspect was the help of the capital. There are no rules in the arena, but there are things that go unspoken. For one you don't try to eat people, and you have to give a good show. Second of all, you don't get to take your life, even if it's over your brother who was also picked as a tribute. It's unspoken rules but those are pretty much all of it.
Peeta sighed and heaved himself from the ledge, holding out a hand to me, so that I could do the same. I took his hand and squeezed before letting him pull me up. "I think bed sounds like a good idea right now." Peeta remarked before he let go of my hand and started toward the door. I didn't follow him.
"Actually I think I'm just going to stay up here for a little longer, you know to think out some things that I won't have the time to think about in the arena." I said. He opened the door but I caught him. "Peeta," He turned towards me. "She loves you to. I just thought that maybe you should know." I told him. He grinned at me before stepping into the door, and closing it behind him with a solid thump. I sat back down delicately on the ledge.
I don't think I could go back to the room. Of course, I'd probably have more of a chance of sleeping if I went there instead of staying here but the fresh air and the slight breeze made me feel light and happier then being inside the room, even if there was a hologram of a forest in my room to keep me calm, it's just not the same as the real forest. It doesn't carry the scent of nature or the crunch of freshly fallen leaves.
I breathe in but just as in the room, it wasn't the clear scent of nature in my nostrils but the wind strangely enough carried a completely unique, artificial scent. That's when it came to me that maybe everything in this place really was artificial. I sighed, because bed probably sounds better now. I rose from my seat and I silently looked out over the horizon, just one big city, no forest, no ocean just city. How can these people stand this? I turned around, tugging my pajamas away from where the cloth caught on the stone like qualities of the ledge. But when I looked up my heart leapt into my throat.
"Haymitch?"
All right. It's been a while hasn't it? I know, as a reader as well as a writer, how irritating it is when the author doesn't update for so long that you've either forgotten the story line, or you've lost interest in the story itself. Haha. I'm having some trouble adjusting recently, and I don't think my grandmother is doing to well, she has cancer. I also want you guys to know that I'm trying to buckle down and write these, though they aren't easy to write and it takes me a while to write them I'm feeling a little 'better'. By that I mean, I'm getting some of my mojo back and I'm starting to be able to write.
I find it helps if I play the show, The Nanny in the background. Thankfully all of the seasons are on youtube! XD I've also replaced all of the pictures in this new picture thing in fanfiction with pictures for the stories! I can't wait to get out what comes next. It might not seem to important to you guys but the chapter after the next is what I saw when I saw the movie. It's the whole reason I decided to write something about the Hunger Games.