He watched her storm away with tears in her eyes. He wanted to chase after her, make her feel better. But he didn't know what he would say. Ron had ruined her night again, he seemed to be doing that a lot lately. The constant bickering and arguing had nearly caused his blood to boil over, and tonight was no different. He wanted to stick up for her, call Ron a git and comfort her, but he had just gotten Ron back.
After months of not talking, ever since his name came out of the goblet on Halloween, Ron and Harry's relationship had been on rocky ground. The feeling of having his first ever friend at his side again felt amazing, but it wouldn't matter if he lost his other best friend in the process. Unlike Ron, her loyalty never faltered, she was by his side always, and yet again he found himself with Ron instead of her. Though tonight was different. Something inside him burned as he watched her walk away.
"Tomorrow you are going to apologize to her," Harry told Ron sternly. As Ron began to protest Harry raised his voice and cut him off, " You've made her cry for the final time tonight. Now, off to bed with you, I am going to fix your mess." He spoke with a sense of finality and Ron knew not to protest. He watched Ron walk off in the opposite direction that Hermione had, as Harry started chasing her down.
As his mind raced with what he was about to say, his feet seemingly knew where to take him on their own. There was only ever one place that Hermione would go to be alone, the library. As he entered, he noticed that the normally faint and silent library had a distinct and repetitive sound filling the air. The sound of Hermione's sobs had filled the room. As he walked though the high stacked shelves of books he finally found her, he head in her knees, her hands gripping her wrists tightly as she slowly rocked herself back and forth.
"Go away Harry" She said without even looking up. The pain of the night evident in her voice. She knew it would be him. She always knew he would be the one to come rescue her, but tonight for the first time ever, she didn't want him to.
Harry didn't say anything, he slowly approached and when he was a few feet away he gently lowered himself down next to her, careful to not sit on her beautiful blue dress. He sat back against the bookshelf, ungripped her hands from themselves and replaced it with one of his own. Gently rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand as he held it tightly within his.
"Come to yell at me too then?" Hermione weakly was able to say, fighting off sobs and sniffles.
"No" Harry said calmly, barely above a whisper, as if she was a frightened deer and any loud noise or sudden movement would scare her off. "I came to be at your side, like you've been at mine, nothing more, nothing less."
After a few moments of them sitting in silence Hermione's tears had slowly started to dissipate. She uncurled herself from the ball she was in, finally stretched out her legs and leaned back against the bookshelf with Harry. Her hand still tightly held in his. As suddenly as she laid back she felt his head rest on her shoulder. She normally would be surprised by their closeness, but tonight it felt right, and she had other things on her mind.
"You know…" Harry finally said after another few minutes of silence. "I don't think that Krum came with you to get closer to me or in the hopes of you spilling my secrets." He raised his head off of her shoulder for a brief instance, he looked her in the eyes to ensure she was listening before laying his head back in place where it had been a second ago. "And even if that was his intention, I am firmly of the belief that the girl I trust most in the world with all of my secrets would be able to keep them safe from anyone, even tall, handsome, famous bulgarians."
Hermione's lips quivered for a second. Almost trying to smile but still fighting it.
"Do you want to know the real reason I think Krum asked you to the ball tonight?" He again lifted his head to look her in her eyes, as though he was giving her an opportunity to interject. When she didn't speak he again laid his head on her shoulder and began to talk. "I think Krum asked you to the ball tonight because you're the prettiest girl across all of the schools.."
Hermione's body fought against her as she left out an involuntary scoff. She loosened her grip from the hands they were holding and began to shift her body as if to stand up. She knew he was teasing her, there is no way Harry had ever seen her as the 'most beautiful girl across all the schools' let alone had he ever seen her as a girl. But before she could move she felt his hand grip her tightly and his head apply more weight on her shoulder. It wasn't violent or malicious, she knew he just wanted to stay there with her, comfort her, and after a half second of contemplation, she let him. She shifted back to where she was and gripped his hand again.
"I am being serious, Hermione. I know you're going to say that I am just saying this to cheer you up. I know you're going to say that I, like Ron, have never once seen you as a girl or as a potential romantic partner before tonight but that isn't true and I am going to prove it to you."
Her heart skipped a beat at this. But before her mind had the opportunity to race through possibilities about what he might say or do next, he started talking again.
"I am going to tell you a secret that I promised I wouldn't tell anyone because it involves the biggest regret of my life" He paused for a second, feeling the weight from what he was about to confess fill his chest. He felt her hand get sweaty in his, he knew she was nervous and he was nervous too. He knew he needed to just get the words out because once they were out the rest would get easier.
"Last year," He began, "The day we saved Sirius, there was a moment between us that has been stuck in the forefront of my mind since. I remember you being so nervous to fly on Buckbeak that your nails were practically digging into my chest before we even got off the ground. And the higher that we flew the tighter, and more painful you gripped me…"
There was a slight uplift in his voice, as though he was remembering a funny memory, a half chuckle escaped him as he brought his free hand up in front of them to mimic the grip that she had on his chest.
"However, there was a moment, when we were at the height of our flight that I felt your hands begin to relax, your hands shifted from a grip to almost as if you were hugging me from behind. And I remember thinking to myself in that moment, not about Sirius or the dementors or werewolves, but about the feeling of your hands on my chest…. It felt…."
He paused before he was able to say the next word. Hermione had apparently laid her head on his at some point throughout his story.
"Warm.." He was finally able to say though he quickly started talking more as if to not linger on the word too long. "I know that there is nothing romantic about you holding me from behind when the situation literally called for it, but…there was always a part of it that confused me. We were at the highest point of our flight, sure the take off and the landing is the roughest part but we are also closer to the ground, why did your hand relax and when you had the furthest to fall?"
He asked the question but gave her no time to answer. "Whether it is true or not I convinced myself that at that moment, however implausible it may sound, that you trusted me. You were able to relax because you knew that I would keep you safe and would never let anything happen to you."
She thought back to the moment he was referring to. They were hundreds of feet in the air, riding uncomfortably on the back of a hippogriff, and yet she did feel safe. Even though it was one of the scariest moments of her entire life. She rubbed her thumb over the back of his hand the way he had been doing to her all night. She wanted to comfort him too, unbeknownst to him that moment was particularly important to her too. Though she was still unsure why Harry would consider this particular memory a regret, and why he was having difficulty retelling it.
After a long silence he started again. "I have never felt warmth the way I felt it that night….. I have no memories of being held before that moment. Held in a way where I knew whatever happened that everything was going to be alright in the end." Tears began to fill his eyes too, his throat gripped tightly, not wanting to say the next words but he forced them out.
"Everyone I get close to gets hurt, no one around me is ever safe. My parents died, Sirius with the dementors and Azkaban, you and Ron with three headed dogs, evil chess sets, and basilisks… I just feel as though eventually I will have no one left. And yet, despite the danger of knowing me, and despite the danger of our flight, here you were embracing me, letting me know you felt….safe."
Hermione's eyes started watering again, not out of anger as before but out of sadness. It had never dawned on her that all of the physical contact Harry had had up until that point in his life had been abuse, not comfort. That the simple act of holding him for safety was the closest thing he had ever felt to physical affection.
The tears began running down his cheeks as he knew his story was coming to a close and he knew that when he stopped talking whatever happened next would depend on her.
"I craved that feeling of warmth and comfort that I felt that night. I held on to that memory through summer break at the Dursleys. I could barely stand to sit next to you at the Quidditch World Cup because everything in my body screamed that I wanted to be closer to you, to feel your touch again. Ever since that moment I have looked at you in a different light. I began to notice things about you that were always there, I had just never paid enough attention to before. Like the way you bite the side of your lip when you're writing something for class. Or the way you rub the spine of the book gently as you put it back on the shelf as if you are giving a hug to a friend you won't see for a while."
A smile started to creep across Hermione's face at the thought.
"I had started to notice that every move you made was beautiful. Every mannerism, every word you said made my heart flutter. When Professor McGonagall told me that I had to have a partner for the dance my first and only thought was you. I would finally have an opportunity to feel close to you again. Feel…."
Harry had stopped crying, his words were easier now but the sadness was replaced with regret and a sense of bitterness in his voice. He focused on her hand in his, the slight rubbing of her thumb over his hand. He noticed for the first time that her free and was on his far shoulder, her head still resting on his.
"I was scared. Months ago you were the only one in this castle that stayed with me. That believed me about the goblet, that put in countless hours to help me fight a bloody dragon….I couldn't lose you too. So I said nothing. I didn't ask you. When you admitted to Ron that you were going with someone I was pained, yet happy because it meant that you were going to be able to have a good time and be with someone who wasn't afraid to ask you. That feeling changed when I saw you coming down those stairs. Your hair straight for the first time in the 4 years I have known you. Your blue dress that you…."
"Periwinkle…" Hermione realized it was the first time she had spoken in minutes. She didn't mean to correct him, it had just come out. "My dress is periwinkle."
Harry's face didn't show it but on the inside he smiled, he knew she wasn't correcting him out of spite or malice. Much like the books she treasures as if they were friends, he knew she was just giving her dress the recognition and respect it deserved. "Okay fine, your beautiful periwinkle dress you are wearing, your face in makeup. You were stunning, you are stunning. I hate that I couldn't say it sooner. The words you told Ron tonight I will remember for the rest of my life. 'The next time there is a ball you better pluck up the courage and ask me before someone else does.' You're right. I should have. Me not asking you to the ball tonight is the biggest regret I will ever have."
They sat there in silence for a few long moments. Their bodies still pressed together, her holding him affectionately and him gripping her hand as though he would never let it go. After what felt like an eternity Hermione was finally brave enough to speak.
"Would you like to know a secret that coincides with the biggest regret of my life?" Hermione asked, though the tone in her voice was surprisingly upbeat.
Harry nodded his head slightly. Feeling as though he had no more words remaining in him.
"It took 6 full bottles of Sleekeazy's hair potion to get my hair to stay straight tonight. I am literally going to be washing it out for weeks." Harry half grinned at Hermione's attempt to ease the tension. He felt her head lift off his so he lifted his head off her shoulder to look into her eyes.
The moment their eyes met any tension and sadness had evaporated from their bodies. She started smiling at the half grin on his face, obviously proud that after the mood of the night she was able to get even a hint of happiness out of him.
Watching her face twist into a smile made him chuckle, which made her laugh, which made him laugh harder. Tears started filling their eyes again, though this time out of happiness. They really understood each other at a fundamental level. Being able to lift the uneasiness that had developed between them while at the same time acknowledging the gravity of the situation.
As the laughter died down Harry finally released her hand from his and moved it to her shoulder and slowly pulled her to him. She turned her body as he did this and laid her legs overtop of his lap and nuzzled her head into his chest. She reached her hand up and rested it against his neck. Harry subconsciously started twirling some of the frills on her dress through his fingers.
"Harry…." Hermione said softly, not wanting to break the moment that they had. "Do you want to know why I loosened my grip when we were flying?"
The question made his heart sink. He didn't want to know the real answer.
"I felt your heartbeat." She the confusion on his face without even looking at it. She continued.
"In my death grip of your chest I felt your heart beating. I wanted to feel it closer. Because unlike mine, which felt like it was going to burst out of my chest, yours felt calm, steady. We had just faced a werewolf and hundreds of dementors and were currently hundreds of feet in the air and yet your heart didn't show it. I always knew you were brave, the previous two years had taught me that, but it wasn't until that moment that I realized just how 'In your element' you were. It was at that moment that I truly felt safe with you. I knew that with you I didn't have a reason to be scared anymore because you would always be there to protect me, and in that moment I knew for certain that no matter what we might face next that I wanted to do it at your side. I wanted to support you the way you were supporting me."
Hermione looked up into Harry's green eyes. Her hand still caressing his neck. They stared at each other for a moment when Harry had slowly lifted his hand that was playing with her dress, gently lifting the her hand off of his neck and slowly moving it to his chest. He slid her hands between the buttons of his dress shirt until her hand was resting on his shirt underneath, over his heart.
The same feeling of a heart ripping through a chest she felt when she was clutching Harry on the back of Buckbeak she felt through his shirt. It was pounding a mile a minute. He was nervous.
"Harry… you've fought dragons, dementors, and defeated he who must not be named three separate times without hardly breaking a sweat and this is what is making your heart beat?" She hadn't meant to make it sound like a tease. She genuinely meant it. She knew he had just confessed feeling for her but she still couldn't believe that out of all of the things he had faced in his life that it was her that got his heart racing.
Harry didn't answer. He just stared into her eyes, holding her hand over his heart. He wanted to capture every detail of her face. Every freckle, every streak of smeared mascara from her crying, he wanted to remember it all. He wanted to hold this moment in his mind forever.
A strand of her hair had started reverting back to its unkempt, bushy ways. He slowly brushed it behind her ears and then caressed her neck, the same way that she had done to him only moments ago.
She knew he wanted to kiss her. She knew she wanted to kiss him too. She just didn't know if he was brave enough to do it.
"It's okay Harry, be brave" she whispered.
He didn't break his gaze from her. After a few moments his eyes darted to her lips then back to her eyes, then back to her lips. When he looked up again she gave him a slight nod of approval signaling that she wanted the same thing that he did.
She felt the hand that was holding her neck start to pull her close. His face moved closer to hers and she closed her eyes. Their lips met and after a couple of seconds they separated. As they separated they both instinctively placed their forehead on the other and just held each other, taking in the moment.
They let their bodies relax into one another. After holding each other in silence, her head had eventually ended up in his lap and he slowly stroked her hair as she laid there. Hermione's heavy breathing indicated that she had fallen asleep. As delicately as he could he removed his suit jacket and draped it over her bare shoulders as a makeshift blanket. He relaxed his head into the bookshelf fighting the weight of his eyelids. Not wanting the night to end. He had finally felt the feeling he longed for. The feeling deep in his stomach that told him everything would eventually be okay. That feeling came from her. It radiated from her.
He felt warm again.