FIRST TIME - PART THREE - FINALE
Once my mother was finally done with my makeup, I had been transformed into a completely different person. As I stood there in front of the mirror, I was helpless to contain the incredulity rising within me. Not only was I surprised by my transformation, but also by how effortless it all had seemed. Bearing witness to the styling and fashion skills my mother had displayed when turning a waifish teenager into an attractive and nubile one, furthered the admiration I felt toward her. At that moment, I became—without a doubt in my mind—the most striking creature I had ever seen. The young maiden that appeared in the vid I had watched just the morning before could not even begin to compare.
As I thoroughly examined myself in the mirror, my mother finally disclosed her plan. She calmly began detailing every step of her scheme while placing the different makeup products back into their ornate box. We were to attend one of the social meetings she so fervently avoided. There, we would find a particular Asari Matron, a person that according to my mother belonged to a select group of people she so affectionately referred to as the worst manner of filth to ever grace the surface of our beautiful world. This Matron was a slaver. She was, however, not a common slaver. Her trade consisted of abducting young Asari maidens from our very home-world, which she then proceeded to sell as sexual slaves to the corrupt and powerful of the galaxy. A traitor to all Asari, to The Goddess Athame herself, and to every other Asari religion, philosophy, belief, or law. Or so my mother felt. At least the Batarians had the excuse of having a society and a government that condoned slavery. Furthermore, they employed these involuntary workers as manual labor. For some reason, in my mother's opinion this was a nobler fate. I found that to me it was quite difficult to digest either idea.
In order to sate the unique desires I had begun to develop in recent days, I was to rid Thessia of this blight. The thought of taking the life of another sentient being—one of my own species at that—should have revolted me like it did most anyone else. It did not. Also, my mother assured me that once I had let loose my darkest impulses, all the anxiety that had been building up in my mind would simply evaporate. This thought held more significance in my mind than the life of another. Especially of the kind the Matron belonged to. More than actually believing in this promise of release to be true, I fervently hoped it was so. Still, I wondered about how I was supposed to approach this matron, this criminal kingpin that was going to be more heavily guarded than any other Matriarch attending the gathering. Well, the answer to that was about to put me through the most scandalous realization of my short life.
Coincidentally, this Matron also enjoyed satisfying her baser needs with the tender flesh of her young prey. This, my mother described as an unexpected slice of good fortune. By the time that comment was made, the understanding of what the next step of my mother's plan entailed was dawning on me with the gentleness of a slap to the face. I therefore failed miserably at perceiving any good fortune in my current situation, and failed even more miserably at keeping my composure when faced with the prospect of becoming bait.
My mind reeled with a mixture of surprise and fear while attempting to assimilate what my mother had just proposed. I looked at myself in the mirror once more, and found that I was no longer transfixed by my own appearance, but horrified by the implications it carried. To think that my mother had gotten this dress and these shoes, which made my legs seem longer and more shapely. That she had used her makeup to beautifully emphasize the color of my eyes and the random patterns of the freckles that adorned my face, and it had all been to this end. To place her own daughter in harm's way.
The fear must have been clearly displayed across my face, for not a second later my mother kneeled beside me and captured both my hands with hers, gingerly rubbing them in an attempt to soothe my nerves. I, of course refused to look at her, instead keeping my eyes fixated in the mirror. Whatever was she thinking with this plan of hers, I could not fathom. Did she think me capable of subduing this Asari who was centuries ahead of me in both knowledge and experience? When I asked, no response was forthcoming. The very last step of the plan could not be revealed yet. My mother believed me to be unprepared, so I had to be left with no other choice but to act the plan out, lest I began having second thoughts about the whole ordeal. In order for me to actually carry out the task to its bitter consequences, she believed I had to be set in a collision course with my target before revealing the culmination of her design.
Two hours later we were already at the party, my mother reluctantly having us mingle with the attendees. It seemed that our guest of honor had not yet arrived, and my mother, left at a loss as to what else to do, chose to behave as it was expected in these gatherings. She introduced me to several Asari who conversely introduced themselves as friends of my mother. I however had never even heard their names before that evening, so a realization came to me then. Either one of two things was happening: These people were conferring themselves attributions that they did not merit, or my mother was practically an antisocial. Having heard from her own lips the stories about people she had been fond of in the past made me inclined to believe it was the former, and that these people were merely being hypocritical. Even if their reasons escaped my understanding, I quickly learned the finer points of party mingling on my own. If they smiled, I returned an even wider smile, and if they complimented my looks, I made a point of practically being effusive over theirs.
After some time, my mother left me alone, and by then I was already moving seamlessly from one group of conversers to the next. Even though I had never been a social creature, this was something that came easy to me. I was ecstatic, pushing the limits of my newfound ability at reading people and being able to trick them in believing they were getting what they wanted from me. Patterns began emerging in my mind, and a certain logic revealed itself behind some of their behaviors. Somehow it all made sense in my head, and it was as straightforward as my mathematics classes back in school. It did not take long for me to begin categorizing these people into simple, generalized groups. I stopped caring about learning their names, and felt more stimulated by the prospect of discovering whether they belonged into the category that wanted to have sexual intercourse with my mother, or the ones that wanted to have it with me.
While I played my games, a thought crossed my mind. People were very much going through their lives as livestock does, spending their time fattening themselves through the labors of others, and merely awaiting for someone above them to come and reap the benefits. Then, the cycle would begin anew. With that idea came the realization that I could be the one to reap without ever having to give back…
My musings were interrupted by a hand that took hold of my shoulder with far more strength than I was comfortable with. When I turned around to face the interloper and dispense a good scolding, I found my mother's face. Her expression appeared far more strained and stern than I recalled ever seeing it. She stared directly into my eyes, then grabbed my shoulders and turned me around to face an Asari Matron that was walking across the main hall. She placed her lips close to my ear and uttered just three words. "She is here."
An uncomfortable cold ran down my back and settled at the bottom of my belly. The time to act had come, and I could not help the feeling of dread that seeped into my thoughts. However, as much as I hated to feel afraid, I would soon hate my mother even more. Without me asking, she whispered the remainder of her plan into my ear. My mind reeled at her words, and even though they had been few and simple enough, for a moment I rejected understanding them. I was supposed to meld with the Matron.
A strange mixture of panic and disgust quickly overcame me, all else forgotten for the time being. It was like the tide washing off footprints from the sand. My first melding was going to be enforced by my mother and by circumstance. This could not be happening to me. Such an intimate experience, and to have it with someone whom I did not even know, and who on top of that happened to be a despicable criminal. The mere thought made me feel dirty, as if I had been already soiled by this matron's mind merely by thinking of melding with her. Even if one were to consider melding as something to be had for fun, who would even contemplate someone as ugly and so much older for such an act! For the love of Athame, even her freckles were all in the wrong place, not to mention those gaudy markings she was wearing.
When my mother turned around to leave me alone and free to act, I followed with such haste that I practically tripped with my own foot. My hand barely managed to capture the flowing cloth of her dress, but I held to it as if it were a lifeline. To anyone witnessing the scene, I must have appeared like a petulant child blackmailing her mother with the threat of throwing a tantrum. I tugged at her dress and searched her eyes with my own, pleading to be spared this shame. When my mother finally turned around and looked at me, I found no sympathy in her face. Her eyes were cold and detached, and her lips were pressed into a thin and cruel line. Gone were the gentle smile and loving eyes she reserved only for me, replaced by an expression that left me awestruck.
I obviously felt a deep sense of betrayal, forsaken as I was by my own mother in my moment of most need. But above all else, I felt afraid of her for the first time in my life. Her expression was full of disdain, of a fury that I had never realized was there, and all of it was tempered by limitless confidence and regal composure. It was the most beautiful and most horrifying thing I had ever seen. I was lost in the depths of her blue eyes, and for a moment it was as if she were able to see through me—all my secrets bared, every sinful act put to judgment. The overwhelming sensation of vulnerability made me feel as if I were an insect in the presence of The Goddess Athame herself.
When she spoke, I lost all sense of the people around us. "Would you rather have your sisters harmed, then?"
A faint realization materialized in the back of my mind. This was why my mother's love was so dear, so special to me. I had never seen her share such a moment with either of my sisters or my father. When my mother specifically addressed me for any matter that was meaningful for either of us, her focus was solely on me. Nothing and no one else mattered to her in that moment. She even knew exactly which words would cut the deepest into my being. Thus, every time she spoke like this, I listened with the utmost attention.
Could I sacrifice my sisters for my own selfishness? Could I see harm come to my beloved Rila, my precious Falere? No. Of course the answer to both of those questions was a resounding no, and yet… I faltered. Shame pulled my gaze to the ground. How could I look my mother in the eyes if I was unable to make a choice that should have been easy to make? Why was I even conflicted over this? Surely, I was just clinging to the slight hope that there might be a third option, one where everyone could get what they wanted. Every person hoped for an optimal solution to their troubles, did they not? It was reasonable to assume I was no different.
My mother's voice interrupted my thoughts once more. Perhaps she realized how conflicted I was with the choices offered, but if she did, she chose not to reproach my selfish behavior, and instead she offered me that other option.
"Mirala, can you see yourself living a secluded life in a convent? Can you imagine being unable to see your sisters ever again. Can you see yourself living a life where it is forbidden to run free in that forest patch behind the house you enjoy so much? Mirala, can you see yourself caged?"
I stared at my mother with eyes so wide that even I could feel the strain on my eyelids. Never before had I considered such repercussions to my condition, but now, now it seemed very obvious. The knowledge that I could pose a danger to others was not alien to me, and how did society deal with dangerous individuals? They were imprisoned, put in jails, hidden from the eyes of others. This convent my mother spoke of, it surely was nothing more than a socially appropriate term for a cage. Me, living like an animal? Never!
My whole body was suddenly flooded with a raging strength, and I clenched my fists so tightly that my fingers hurt from the strain. At last I found the courage to look up at my mother's face, anger and determination fueling my willpower. I was ready to face her imperious gaze, but when I found her eyes, I saw nothing but love and kindness in them. For a moment, I was startled at the realization of just how well my mother knew me. Everything she had done and said had been for my sake. She did not have to wear her mask of The Goddess to see through me. That my mother knew me better than I knew myself seemed to just be a constant truth in my life.
At the time, when my mother had opened her mouth, I actually hoped she would offer me a perfect option. Life was obviously not that perfect when it came to choices. Still, she gave me exactly the motivation I needed, and even though I resented her slightly, one day not far in the future I would come to be grateful for it.
I spun on my heel and began a purposeful stride toward the Asari Matron that was to be the first melding partner in my life. As I approached her and was able to perceive more clearly the features of her face, I tried to hide the growing disgust I felt behind my smile. Alas, I was not entirely certain about how successful such an endeavor could be.
Today, I had not only received a new appearance and had been reborn as a different creature, but I also received a new name: Morinth. This was the name my mother had chosen for me to use in order to protect our family with anonymity. At first, I felt anxious when I began chatting with the group of Asari, but soon enough all my fears dissipated when I was able to seamlessly blend into the conversation she was having with the pair of matrons. All the culture my mother had poured in me, all my academic knowledge, and everything I had learned tonight became a tool within easy reach of my mind. Until now, I had never looked with pride upon the fact that in my life—short as it was—I had exceled in every task I had set to accomplish. Now, however, I was realizing just how far ahead from the common folk I was. While we chatted, I gradually began isolating my prey from the other two asari, and managed to succeed after a short time. Once I had her all for myself, I began steering the conversation toward more personal topics, as if I were so very interested in her life. Predictably, she began regaling me with stories about her achievements, and I replied with awed stares and what I thought could be perceived as coy smiles.
Being able to peer into someone's thoughts and give them direction was an intoxicating sensation. It filled me with a power, a sense of control and certainty I had never felt before. It was nothing short of exciting, and soon enough I began making physical contact with this woman I perceived as nothing but disgusting both in mind and body. I ran a furtive hand along her forearm, touched my fingertips to hers when she rested her hand on any surface, I was eager to be escorted into some private area, motivated by the raising heat that pervaded my entire body. Fortunately, by the time this warmth became too much to bear, when it seemed to pool below my belly in an eagerness ready to explode, the Asari Matron finally ended her vapid storytelling.
When she invited me to accompany her into a place less crowded, I clearly heard the conceit in her voice and saw the pride in her eyes. She was certain of her conquest, certain that I was yet another impressionable maiden she could take to bed and then discard like so much trash—or perhaps sell to the highest bidder. A beast, a monster, that was what this Asari was, and I would be the one to rid the galaxy of this cancer. That made me feel even more motivated than I was.
Once we were alone, she pulled me harshly against her body, both her hands taking hold of my buttocks, nails digging into my flesh. Her putrid lips came close to my ear, and she whispered words that to me were no more than incompetent attempt at being sensual. "Come here, my little whore. I will make a woman of you yet."
I was beyond caring about her insults or her claims, or even her audacity at marring my skin with the twisted brambles she called hands. It was time. I closed my eyes, and when I next opened them, all color had drained from the world. Such a sight startled me at first—what with my lack of any previous experience—but I willed myself to ignore it as I could afford no delays of any kind. My mother had suggested that to make the matter easier, I made physical contact with the area where the center of the nervous system resided: The head. Thus, I reached up with both hands, capturing with my fingers the sides of the Matron's face and pulling it down toward me. Barely did I notice that she actually presented a fair measure of resistance to this, her hands now away from my rear end and otherwise occupied pushing against my shoulders.
The very moment I attempted to reach toward her nervous system with my biotics, my mind immediately found itself assaulted by the Matron's emotions and sensations. Confusion, surprise, hubris and lust seemed to dominate the spectrum at first, but soon they receded and were replaced by just two. Fear and pain. For reasons I could not fathom, those two sensations became like a fiery beacon to me. There was no time to learn, no time to analyze, so I simply allowed myself to be carried by the flow of the experience. My mother had given me one simple directive to carry once the melding was initiated. Dig, as deep and as quickly as I could, so I did.
While I navigated the intricacies of the Matron's mind, the fear and the pain became prevalent. One day I would learn to trick a brain into thinking the experience was not so, but for now I simply ignored it, focusing instead on the sensations that had begun emanating from the place between my legs. Naturally, at my age I already knew about sexuality, but I had never actually felt this much arousal. Guided by the Asari's pain and fear, I soon reached a place that seemed to be full of heat and light. It was as if being caught in the midst of a fiercely burning flame without actually being scorched by it. There, my arousal reached its peak, a loud gasp escaping my lips as my body reacted to the nigh overwhelming pleasure that pervaded my entire being. By now, every compunction I felt about performing such an intimate act with this Asari became non-existent. No longer did I care about her unattractive facial features and the terrible arrangement of her freckles, or her old body adorned by lines that had all the wrong curvature. None of it mattered anymore. My apprehension was now gone, replaced by something that outshined every pleasure known to any sapient creature in the galaxy, whether it was decadent or sublime. It was more intoxicating than the most intense orgasm, more delicious than the most exquisite delicacy, and more radiant and beautiful than the most perfect of sunsets. And so, I allowed myself to be utterly consumed by the meld.
She had loved once, this Matron. It had been the best epoch of her life, or so it appeared to be in hindsight. Every memory of that period was as bright as a star, and all of them together were nothing but a pale shadow of what it was for me to hold the flame of her life within my hands. I also found the memories of all the young maidens she had touched with her vile hands and kissed with her rotten lips. All the lies she had uttered, the lives she had ruined, destroyed, and then tossed away like garbage. At first, she had felt guilt and regret, but soon they had disappeared, and instead she began feeling pleasure from the control, the power she could exert over the forsaken lives of her victims. And yet, none of that could compare to what I felt right now. Not her greed, not her selfish satisfactions, or even the pain and fear I was putting her through.
Asari believe that every idea and every action can send ripples across the entire galaxy, and that every creature is connected to this whole through their mind. This concept gave birth to the phrase Embrace Eternity that Asari use when they join minds with any other being. By melding with this Asari Matron I learned that I could never contribute to this great oneness, I would never become a part of Eternity. However, I alone could take from it. Therefore, even if I would never be able to form a part of Eternity, I could become it. Every mind I subtracted from the whole, meant I could add one more piece to myself. And so, I did.
Mentally, I closed my fingers and snuffed the light of the tiny ember that had been resting on the palm of my hand. There would be no Eternity for either me or the Matron that now lay at my feet, and with the deed done, my mind was in a haze—nothing I could think to say seemed appropriate. So, I said the only thing that at least seemed to fit the occasion.
"Find peace in the embrace of The Goddess."