-The First-
Everything up and till now had gone...well rather unexpectedly. And to say rather was a bit of an understatement. And to say a bit was just a lie.
The Doctor's life had consisted of absolute madness ever since he had decided to borrow a TARDIS, really he had planned on one day giving it back, but he couldn't exactly take it back now...and really he wouldn't have wanted to. But more so back to the point, recently his mad life had gotten...even madder. He never thought it was ever possible for it to, but of course the universe loved proving him wrong.
In the last few years, he had done so much. So much of it done so very differently than before too. His entire race and planet were gone, he had fallen...more than once. At the very top of the list of things he had done since his ninth regeneration…he had met the most...well he had met Rose. Then of course died and became more emotional than ever before if he really admitted it. But then the worst happened. He had thought that the worst thing he would face then was the aftermath of destroying his people but of course the universe had to go and do what it did best.
But he had met the lovely Martha...and well that did get a bit messy, but it all ended just fine. Of course her family was a bit distraught...but mostly fine! And then later he met Donna for the second time. His best friend Donna! The wonderful and brilliant Donna who admittedly put him in his place when he needed to be, plus a bit more. And now...well she was living her wonderful life. A wonderful, safe, life with no alien problems. And no mind exploding. And that was good. She was safe. That was best. It...it didn't exactly work telling himself that, didn't make that pang of loss any less annoyingly hurtful. He had lost her. And she couldn't remember. But it would be so much worse if he had let her die. If that had happened...but now she was so alive! And that made him happy, honestly happy.
Then...well then things had gotten...even more complicated. And wonderful. And the best time he had had in so long. All of his friends, with him and alive and fighting. Well along with Jackie Tyler, but he had missed her more than he ever thought was possible. But that wasn't the best. No, even every one of his friends didn't compare to the best part. Rose. He had seen Rose again. Yes, he had died again too, but only for a bit and Rose had been there so it was perfectly alright with him.
He had seen her smile, her grin, she even laughed. And she looked the same. And she smelled the same. And he had held her hand but he'd had to work on focusing on the impending doom. He still remembered exactly how much he missed that hand…
Then...then the second worse day of his life happened. Gallifray was the third worst part of his life. A massive part and it killed him sometimes, but it didn't compare anymore. That was what those other times did to him. They took over everything else. Really both times could just be one, well no. The second should be the first worse day. Always worse.
That day...he had taken Rose Tyler back. Consciously. Knowingly. Of his own free will he had brought her back to the wrong universe. The one without him. But he had still done it for some reason and he had watched as his stupid meta crisis kissed his Rose and told her what he had always been so scared to. Worst of all the Doctor had let him. He let that human version do what he had wanted to do for so, so long because he was human, and far, far better for her than he was.
That single moment had killed him. His hearts broke and shattered into a million pieces in slow and agonizing motion when he saw Rose kiss the not-him. Saw the human version hold her. The way he had...but that was gone. The window was closed.
His life had gotten...better. He had met Amy, wonderful Amy! And he wasn't about to let her down by drowning in his past. Not now at least. That could be saved for a worse day; this day had only just started anyway. Who knew what would happen?
And that was why he smiled. Because he didn't know, he never knew for certain. And a lot of days were amazing and brilliant and fantastic! He had Amy and she was his best friend. They had so much to do, and there was still so much to show her. No time for his past, no matter how hard that was at times. Because he was the Doctor! And he was always alright! No more messiness. Course that was always the problem with humans, always messy, but still.
Suddenly a blip appeared on his monitor. "Oh, hello there old girl, what's that about?" he mumbled. Then he froze. That was a warning blip. One he had set up ever since...well really since Martha had joined him. To make sure no one accidently ..oh no. "Oh no no no! Why? That room is supposed to be locked down...why?" he asked, very nearly pleading with the TARDIS.
He ran down the hall as fast as he could, hoping to get there before Amy went into the room. Of course he knew she'd get in first, but he had to try.
When he finally got to the right hallway...the room was open. He slumped against the wall briefly. He felt a lump forming in his throat. He had promised to not go in there. Ever. Or at least not on complete purpose. But there it was. That door. Open. With his friend inside... oh, Amy! No, no, no, she was in there!
He scrambled and rushed in. He couldn't help but stop at the door. The room was still dim, but he could see it perfectly. He tried his best not to breathe through his nose, but he couldn't help it. The part of him that really hated his happiness, and really himself in general, sniffed anyway. And it was the same. Exactly. His eyes closed. He had missed that smell. And the room. He hadn't been in here...for such a long time.
Amy had turned around and was looking at him oddly. "Doctor, what is this? A girl's room?"
He cleared his throat and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Doesn't matter." he said calmly.
She looked even more confused. "It's pink."
"Yes, it would be." he said, almost to himself. He couldn't help but look at the bed. Where the corner was overturned, just as it had been left. There was also a little impression in the pillow, but that was his. Well, his before he had regenerated, so not really his but at the same time, his.
"Doctor...is this your room?" she asked skeptically, her eyes narrowing a bit.
He smiled slightly at that. "Nope. Not mine. Mine's much different." Of course it was, it had to be, he couldn't have reminders. He couldn't handle them. Suddenly, he grinned widely. "Right! So, where were we going? Oh, I know, how about...we can let the TARDIS pick! Haven't done that yet have we? Exciting, not knowing, I love not knowing! I usually always know the stuff." he said.
She rolled her eyes. "You so don't! Half the time the TARDIS picks and you just act like it was the plan all along!" she teased, she knew he was hiding something, but...she didn't want to press it with the way his face changed in this room. She knew it was something special, or someone. Oh god...what if it was a daughter that he lost? She suddenly felt sad for him all over again.
So she didn't bring it up. Not once. That day became something they didn't discus and she never went looking for that room again, no matter how bored she was. Whatever that room meant to him, she knew it couldn't have been something good. Not with the way he acted in there. If it was a child of his...well no one would want to talk about that. Even if it wasn't, she didn't want to make him any sadder, not when she could have him laughing and happy instead.
The Doctor was at the console, staring at the screen that night after Amy had been asleep for a while. Well, thirty two minutes. He sighed heavily. He hated that humans had that annoying need to sleep so often. When she slept he was alone. When he was alone...well he had the tendency to think. And thinking was bad.
His mind started to wander, and he felt a pang in his chest. He closed his eyes and sighed. He shouldn't. He really, really shouldn't. Really, really, really shouldn't. But that pang was becoming rather annoyingly painful yet again.
The TARDIS hummed. He looked up at the rotor. "Yes, I know. Bad idea. Oh well. Haven't had a very good track record with the good ideas anyway." he said and she hummed again, in comfort instead of protest.
The Doctor stood in the doorway of Rose Tyler's room. Rose Marion Tyler. He walked slowly to the bed and sat down gently, as if he would disturb someone. Part of him wished he could. No…all of him wished he could.
The bed smelled exactly the same, as if she had just been here...but that wasn't true. He closed his eyes again.
"It's been so long. I...there's so much I wish I could say. That I wish I could tell you. Of course I'm the only one here and this really is mad to be talking to myself. Well, most people think I am anyway, maybe I'm just proving their point." He paused, looking down at the floor for a moment. "If this wasn't mad, and if I wasn't just alone in here and talking to myself...I would tell you. I would tell you everything I never did. I always wanted to though. Course you didn't know that, how could you? Thought you did, but that's me. Mad. Same as ever." he whispered softly.
The Doctor laid down and fell into his little spot in the pillow that caused so many emotions conflicting with each other all at once.
If he had looked in the closet, he wouldn't just see her things. There would be a pair of his old converse, and a shirt and tie in there too. Tucked by the side. Right where he never picked them up. He hadn't planned on leaving them there...but yet he had. And he couldn't make himself take them out even now. The pain in his chest made another lump form. He shut his eyes and tried not to dream. Or at least not to have a nightmare.
He didn't have a nightmare that night, but when he woke up it felt like one. He had dreamed of Rose. Of Rose and him sitting on a big hill watching the sunset. When it was gone, so was she. That was his new nightmare. One that wouldn't end.
This time when he left, he made sure to lock the door.