Occam's Razor Chapter 5: Can We Pretend, an avengers fanfic

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now
Wish right now

-B.O.B "Airplanes"

Days passed into weeks, weeks passed into months. Four months passed and still there had been no sign of Loki. The Avengers found themselves mostly twiddling their thumbs in utter boredom half the time after they had put away most evil villains over and over again. The villains took the hint and were too irritated at coming out for another ass whopping. Doom had been a nuisance two weeks ago but after his entire army blew up in his face from a computer virus on Tony's behalf, he had yet to show his face again. The Captain had picked up being a boxing instructor. Thor went back to Asgard after spending sometime in New Mexico with Jane. Clint and Natasha were off on some crazy mission that Fury had barked to them to other day. Banner went on a cruise back to India to help open up another charity clinic. This left the infamous Tony Stark with…complete, mind-numbing boredom and too much time on his hands that he knew what to do with. His ribs and arms healed at an alarming rate. Actually, after his incident in the park, there had been quite an uproar of just how was it he was even able to move which was when the fact that his injuries were basically non-existent had hit him. Thor acclaimed in a booming voice that it had been his brother's healing sleep that had allowed the Man of Iron to mend at such a rapid rate. Either way, at least he could get back into his lab.

The first few days he upgraded the schemes to every functioning Iron Man suit he had. By the first month, he had finished all repairs and upgrades on every one except for Mark VIII, which was still missing the spinning rims and instant-play theme music. Half way through the second month, everything was done and he'd even finished plans on a potential Mark X. By the end of the second month, he'd finished upgrading Dummy. The third month left him spending most of his time upgrading JARVIS to recognize magical signatures leading to him being the first one on site when Thor crash landed in a crater just south of the city continuing the score of land 0, Thor 35. By the fourth month, when he wasn't being reamed by Fury to save the city and get his ass into gear, he spent it curled up in his bed nursing whichever bottle of alcohol happened to be in his grasp. And that was how he wound up in the next situation he was coherent enough to remember.

The nightclub music pounded into his ears as the flashing of the lights made him feel dizzy, sick, and exhilarated all that the same time. There was a blond grinding in his front smelling of cheap margaritas and tequila, rolling her hips completely off beat and high enough not to care. There was blond dyed black running her hands down his back, nibbling his ears and rolling her body into his. He was in a sandwich that paid no attention to the music and for some odd reason; it was bothering him. The cocaine flooding through the girl in front and the ecstasy running through the veins of the girl behind him made it feel all the more wrong around the buzz of JD coursing through his veins. Green eyes, a lithe body, perfect rhythmic movements flood through his mind reaching his lips and a snarling moan. He felt his hands grasp the hips of the blond in front of him, pushing and guiding them back into beat against his pelvis. When she took note and ground him right there, he threw his head back much to the delight of the girl behind him who too the opportunity to kiss him and slip a pill between his lips. The next time he woke up, he was in his bed with both of them tangled in his sheets. What he didn't remember was why there was a hole in the wall behind him and a burned spot on the bathroom door across from him.

"JARVIS." Tony croaked, blinking blearily at the mess surrounding him, ignoring the protest of the blond dyed black as he shifted her to the side to scramble out of his bed, sheets falling left and right and the spinning of the room causing him to tumble, grasping the dresser for support.

"Well sir, I would be lying if I told you I hadn't seen you much worse than this." The AI quipped, turning on the screens to display the usual weather and stock scores.

"Yeah, keep it to yourself. Just show me the surveillance video of last night."

"As you wish." The holographic screen turned on to his left playing everything in too bright a display color for Tony's comfort. He winced as he watched his Iron Man suit blast a hole in his own wall and then the monotonous tones that was him fucking both of the equally strung out girls that were still in his bed. Nothing was out of the ordinary until he saw a dark figure in the hallway outside. A quick flash of light and the figure disappeared with it, leaving only the burn mark on his door and for the first time in Tony Stark's life, he actually was starting to regret what he had done the night before.

"JARVIS, did you put a trace on that signature?"

"Yes sir. I had it traced to an apartment complex more towards the other side of town but since then it has fallen off the grid."

"Send the coordinates to my tablet. I'll be ready in five."

"I shall have it ready for you in the following hour sir."

"Thank you JARVIS."

The girls screaming as he threw their clothes at them and kicked them out the door didn't help his headache at all. Showering took longer than excepted due to the fact that standing up for even a few minutes sent him into dark spirals and retching down the drain. He was ready in the following three hours, and as promised, JARVIS had everything sent to its proper place two hours ago. After calling in the Fury to send someone to fix his wall, earning him an eye roll and a lecture, he blasted out to the coordinates.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Loki had been on the down low since the incident at the park. After repairing everything that had been the victim of his anger, he took his staff and vanished from the world. The next time he was on the other end of the portal, he found himself back on the entrenched planet of Jotenheim and completely surrounded.

"Son of Odin," one of the frost giants exclaimed, arms already forming into ice. This left Loki with a smirk.

"Actually it's Laufeyson." A collective gasp rose from the group as the murmured Laufey traveled down the group. Heavy footsteps echoed as the group parted to allow the king, Laufey himself, to enter into the ring.

The two stared each other down, one's green eyes piercing the other's red as a moment of collective silence passed through the group.

"Show me you runt. What have you gained since you survived?" Laufey smirked when he saw a twitch run through the small God's form.

"I'll show you just what I have learned since I tried to destroy this pitiful piece of dust you call a planet with the Bifrost."

That earned him a collective roar but no one dared to move until the king gave out his orders. Laufey's red eyes narrowed in a menacing glower and with a snap of his claws, every unit swarmed onto the small god. With a quick murmur, Loki sent himself out of the ring and on onto the rock near by. The first blade he sent flying hit the nearest frost giant right through the head. One hit kill. The next twenty of them flattened the first row that came after him. Deeming the blades not fast or sufficient enough to decrease their numbers, he fought the next ice sword aimed at him with his scepter, blocking the hit before stabbing running it through his opponent's heart. One after the other after the other came to tear him down and one after the other he dismembered. Movements quick and light on his feet, he multiplied his image before appearing behind the foes and killing them off with a snarl on his lips. But all too soon Loki notices that the troops realized that he was not just another Thor who would bash and bang his way through his foes with invincible strength but rather, they would be tricked to falling into their own demise. Their movements became sly, attacking all at once and at different angles to keep the god on alert. Suddenly, he found himself cornered with his back to a cliff, angry red eyes pinning his small form from every direction. A feral snarl came from Loki's lips as he launched himself into the ring only to find himself, on his stomach, staff ripped from his hands, pinned by two giants on his arms and another two on his legs. The armor froze off and soon, his blue form came to the surface, green sliding into red as another snarl and a weak struggle erupted from his being.

"Well that sure was a demonstration." Laufey smirked, pressing a boot onto the god's head and smashing his face into the dirt floor. "It makes me want to kill you all the more my son."

"As if you could even touch me." Loki snarled to the frozen stone, fists tightening as he slid his red eyes to glower into the ones of his supposed father. A thick blue finger slid to his cheeks and a sadistic smirk lit itself across Laufey's face.

"I think I just did." Straightening up he yelled at the subordinates. "Take this mongrel of a creature to a cell. I shall deal with him later." Opening his hands for the staff, he took the scepter and slammed the end of it onto Loki's cheek as a final insult before heading back to the castle.

Loki felt himself being jerked upwards before being half dragged and half thrown towards the direction of the caves. He knew the temperature can become so cold that a normal being would be frozen solid and shattered the next day. He also knew the guards could be more than personal thus he had no intention of staying for too long. As soon as they slammed the gate shut, he found himself curled in the darkest corner, waiting till the day his magic would be fully restored after his exhaustive battle efforts so that it may be strong enough to activate the teleportation diagram and get him off this miserable planet.

The days passed with routine beating and mockery. Ribs broken then healed, cuts made over and over again with blunt knives and ice spears, hours being forced into his frost giant form splayed across a hot coal block. How they heated it up left Loki wondering as he bit his lip till it bled to keep from screaming.

"Look at what has become of the GOD of lies now," they laughed. Loki smirked inwardly to himself. Just wait till he came back to this miserable planet and had everything wiped out right before their very eyes.

Soon though he forgot how much time had passed. The pain was a dull signal of how long he had been awake that specific day but at this point he just snorted. His magic had been building and a sign of it was that he hadn't been healing himself. The guards took it as a sign of weakening. Only Laufey knew better.

One night an hour before dark, Loki's eyes watched nervously as he saw a guard slowly approach the cave with some sort of mask in hand. The gag registered in the green eyed being's mind as he rapidly felt his entire body tensing to that idea. The searing pain of his lips being stitched shut and the humiliation of the mask that was placed on his being after his defeat by the Avengers sent his body into a violent shudder. Hiding himself well in the darkness, Loki poised his body for attack. As soon as the frost giant opened the door and stepped inside, he felled it with a small dagger to its jugular. Making the final markings to his circle, he felt his power rush as the staff was summoned to his hand and just as the enraged shouts of the giants surrounded him, he felt the jerk of the portal and the swirling peace of passage between worlds.

When he landed, he felt thoroughly shaken and completely exhausted. Looking around, Loki breathed a sigh of relief after recognizing that he was where he wanted to be. Whispering to JARVIS not to set the alarm off he proceeded to the bedroom. What he saw sent him reeling back in shock, disgust, and caused that same knife to be stabbed into his chest. In the bed was Anthony Stark and on his right was a blond and the other was another blond? Has the man no taste in the regality of brunettes? He didn't care. He was fuming. A silent scream escaped his lips as he blasted his staff through the nearest object he could find and teleported to his own residence. The instant he hit the ground he knew it had been a bad idea. The portal hopping had strained his magic but by teleporting again so soon, even the short distance left him strained his magic to the point of nothing and he saw black, red and white tugging at the edge of his vision. The instant he felt the floor of his own apartment touch his feet, he toppled over sideways allowing the blackness to consume his vision, staff clattering uselessly to the side while his armor flaked off piece by piece. There was a faint knocking at his door but Loki simply rolled his eyes and pressed his face further into the carpet. Just let him rest.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Tony tipped the homeless man with a Ben before blasting through the apartment complexes to find the one where the god's signature had disappeared off to. Luckily after the park incident, Loki hadn't been quite in this area. The homeless man said he saw flashes of light followed by screaming and some sort of green fire coming from the building well in the middle of the ghetto metropolis a few times but didn't bother asking any questions. Tony registered that very rapidly. Here, the more questions you ask, the shorter your lifespan will become. Quickly weaving through the buildings, he arrived at the one the old man had been describing and had to do a double take at just how bad a shape the complex was in. In fact, by his always-correct calculations, it had all of maybe four years before it collapsed in on itself without needed to be knocked down for a new condominium complex. Loki chose this place to be a home?

'I guess we all don't have to be flashy with our goods.' Tony snorted to himself. 'Though I'm pretty sure not many people see a man decked out in an suit made of gold titanium alloy with blasters and a tracking GPS that can find an ant in Australia. Pressing a button, Tony breathed a sigh of relief as he felt the suit contract into a semi normal looking brief case before gingerly knocking on the door. There was a faint groan but otherwise no answer.

"Loki," Tony called in the most nonthreatening, least sarcastic tone he could manage. "Hey you know if you groan that kinda says you're home so could you be a good host and open the door?" Could this get any more awkward? When there was still no response Tony huffed to himself semi wishing he could pull a Loki and just teleport his ass wherever he wanted to go. The memory of the wrenching and swirling sensation followed by the puking had him second-guessing that thought almost immediately.

"Look if this is about what I think you saw when you saw it, I can explain. Speaking of which actually, where the hell of you been for the past four months?" The only thing that greeted his ears was silence. At that point, eyebrow twitching with irritation, Tony hollered through the door, "You can't just VANISH and expect me not to do anything. I'm a playboy billionaire philanthropist with a high dose of GENIUS! SO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK IT!"

The whimper that greeted his ears felt like a slap in the face. All the rage and frustration bled out of the inventor almost instantaneously.

"Loki?" Silence was again the greeting. Tony was beginning to get a weird twisting feeling in his stomach as he put his hand on the door handle. He was surprised when the doorknob twisted without any resistance. Wow, so much for genius if he can't even open an unlocked door.

"Hey I'm coming in so don't kill me or try or turn my penis into a marshmallow and stuff like that." Stepping into the room, the first thing he noticed was that everything was contrasting. Black carpet with pale white furniture pieces, all of which looked much to classy to be sitting in an apartment in this dump. Still there was no sign of the god of mischief.

"Loki? You in here?" he walked into the kitchen and still there was nothing leaving Tony to admire the simple black tile with the silver appliances. There was even a toaster…wouldn't Loki make Thor so proud. Yet there was still no sign of the demented and confusing god. Turning around had Tony bolting into the living room, dropping the Iron Man brief case with a loud thud onto the floor before dropping to his knees and placing his hands on the sprawled out figure in the middle of the carpet. Brown eyes blinked as he watched the last of the blue color fading back into the man's skin before gulping when he noticed that aside from that, all the god now had on were his leather trousers leaving little to the imagination.

"Loki, hey Loki," Tony gingerly shook the figure, receiving only a groan and a whimper as a response. Well whatever put the god in this terrible of shape could probably explain why he had been gone for so long. Tony swallowed the sick sensation when he saw that the carpet had been disguising the god's wounds as it was soaking up the blood running down the pale being's body.

"What did you get yourself into this time?" Tony slid his hand onto the pale chest as he moved to flip the man over, tensing when he felt his hands come across the wetness of the blood on the underside of his body. Geez, there wasn't a part of this man that wasn't beaten up, broken, or cut. He must have pissed someone off really badly.

At the movement, Loki stirred, green eyes coming up blearily to meet Tony's concerned brown. Next thing the ex-weapons maker knew; there was a hard grip on his neck and the green eyes had narrowed into slits. Hands quickly grappling to the pale slender digits of the other, Tony clawed for air.

"Loki," he choked, "Loki…it's me…I'm…trying…to help." The hand clenched tighter and for a moment the inventor really thought he was going to die until he felt the hand completely lose it's grip and topple sideways back onto the carpet leaving Tony doubled over heaving for air.

"Leave…Stark."

Green met brown in a permanent glower before the spat the next words out in disgust.

"You have no business being here in my company when you have so many other options for pleasurable significant others."

Said human could only snort in annoyance before replying, "One, I can explain that and two leaving may have been easier before you decided that my windpipe was a slip and slide snake."

"A what?" Loki raised one elegant eyebrow before his eyes squeezed shut as another spasm of pain passed through his body.

"You know. Those slips and slide water snake toys that slip to one end when you squeeze the other." Tony tried demonstrating with hand gestures earning him and even higher, wait is that even possible, raise of the already raised eyebrow from the man lying in front of him.

"if you are to reference your reproductive organs, I would prefer much rather just a simple name rather than a disturbing nickname." Loki snorted. Tony blushed.

"I'm being serious. It's a toy and it comes in all different colors and I think sizes and I'm just going to shut up because I'm digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole with this aren't eye."

Silence from the god was a good enough answer for the inventor.

"Alright then. Now what?" The inventor deadpanned pulling a choking noise from the god's lips as the two locked eyes once more and a heavy silence came back into the atmosphere. It's Loki that takes the initiative and asks the first question.

"Why are you here?"

This takes the inventor aback as he continues to stare into those mesmerizing green pools. Whirlwinds of snarky replies, general answers, vague hand gestures, and other syllables of gurgled responses flew through his mind until he settled on one that just tripped out of his mouth.

"Because I cared and was worried and because you flew the coop for FOUR MONTHS without even saying goodbye after going blue man group on my ass." Wow, he'd have to pat himself on the back for how his mouth likes to spew long streams of crap even when his brain was at an off function. Meeting the god's eyes once more, he was surprised to see the man with the silver tongue with his jaw dropped.

"Um…cat got your tongue?"

Then, Loki laughed. Not the evil maniacal chuckle everyone was used to hearing but actually laughter, although interrupted with small wheezes and winces from the pain of the obvious injuries.

"You…are a strange mortal."

"Oh so now we're back to mortal." Tony huffed, sitting back and crossing his arms. This earned another chuckle followed by a pronounced wince.

"I would love to get back at you for your tongue and cheek as it were but I find myself to be in a situation in which, although I am not comfortable, I am also at a disability when it comes to movement."

"Round about way of saying you're hurt and can't move Rudolph."

"Bite me." Loki snarled. Tony sat straight up at the swipe; one because it was very un-Loki-and-Thor like and the other was the small smirk working its way onto his lips.

"If I were follow orders which just so you know, I'm not. I would be happy to allow such an action to occur your highness," Tony snickered.

"Do shut up Stark."

"Well if you keep calling me Stark then you can lie of the carpet while I go watch Super Nanny." When the green eyes once more met his clouded with confusion, the mechanical genius decided to continue, "or you can call me Tony, since we're pretty much on that level of personal the first night we went for a romp, and I can try and pick you up, clean you up, and put you to bed. Whichever you prefer since I'm not the one in a bloody mess looking like he'd gone through all the casinos in Vegas and back."

Loki stared back at the human as if he'd sprouted three heads and could breath flames. What on earth, how dare this mortal man speak to him in such a manner? Also…why hadn't Loki just slit his throat, disposed of the body and be rid with one of the Avengers. Those brown eyes looked back at his with hesitation and nervousness while the bottom lip had been sucked in between perfectly white teeth that were proceeding to gnaw on it. Best put him out of his misery then.

"Very well…Tony. I would appreciate it if you could help me up from this current predicament and we can proceed with the listed procedures."

Tony Stark was ready to jump up and do a victory whoop and holler before coming back to his senses and quickly containing his badly hidden eagerness with a 1000 watt grin that had Loki thinking he was staring at a sun.

"Alleyoop."

"Alley-wha-HEY!" Loki have an undignified yelp as he was swept up into surprising strong arms that were very sturdy and unyielding while all the while being mindful of his injuries.

The bath turned out to be an awkward and very wet affair with glowers and swears left and right leaving both men beyond drained, Loki practically on death's door thus resulting in a haphazard stumble into the bedroom where both collapsed in an undignified heap and hit lights out in seconds. That night, neither of them dreamed.