Staring up at the white ceiling above me, I listened to the soporific beeping of the heart monitor and the low hum of the machines outside the door, trying not to fall asleep. I guess the second I passed out, Arthur called for an ambulance, I didn't regain consciousness until they were getting ready to pump my stomach, which was one of the worst experiences of my life. That was two days ago, now they were keeping me here to make sure nothing would happen, plus they had me going to some damn therapy thing.
You're so worthless, you can't even kill yourself right. How pathetic.
Of course Gilbert hadn't come to see if I was okay or anything, Elizaveta and uncle Roderich did, they both gave me an earful, especially Veta, she kept going on about how she told me to talk to them if I needed to and all that shit. I guess I should be thankful that they even care. It's not like too many others do. Not bothering to look over when the door opened, I turned my head away from the door as they walked closer. I didn't have to look to know who it was. Arthur.
"Hey..." Sighing I turned to look at him, I really wasn't the happiest with him, and by the look on his face, he knew it. "How are you feeling?" Not answering, I looked over toward the window, seeing the skyline of the small city we lived in. "Look, I know you're upset with me... It's obvious, but I wasn't just going to let you die... You're my friend Ludwig, one of my few. I understand that you have a bad life with your brother, but there are people who can help. Who want to help."
"Arthur, you just don't understand..." The left side of the bed dipped down as he sat on the edge, looking over at him, his eyes had tears in them, and the look on his face was almost heartbreaking.
"Then help me understand Ludwig. You're not alone here." Rolling my eyes, I shook my head, then looked at him with a shudder, Gott, I thought they were just teasing him, I didn't think it was true till now.
"I never saw it till now." He looked at me confused. "You're such a fag." The room went quiet, except for the beeping, after a moment he stood again, walking toward the door without a word, but before he exited, he stopped, not bothering to glance back.
"I don't know why I thought you'd be any bloody different... I'm sorry I saved your life." As he stormed off, the doctor walked in, glancing back at Arthur confused, then sighed and turned to me.
"Well Ludwig, it seems that you're going to be okay, but, we've got you on a weekly scheduled therapist visit. The clinic isn't far from your school, so that should make it easier for you, oh, and, your brothers here to get you." He set my clothes on the foot of the bed, then walked over to me, removing the thing for the heart monitor, and turning it off before the alarm rang. "I'll be back in a few minutes." Hearing the door close, I grabbed my clothes, changing quickly. I couldn't wait to get out of here, of course they couldn't actually keep me without bruders concent and he would never allow that. Who would clean the house and cook for him? Sitting down to tie my shoes, the door opened again, this time, Gilbert was behind the doctor, looking rather annoyed. "You're free to go, try not to come back soon." Shoving my hands in my pockets, I walked by the doctor silently, following after bruder, horrified to see that Ivan was in the hospital lobby. Glancing back, the doctor was watching me curiously, I didn't realize I had stopped walking till Gilbert grabbed my arm.
"Ludwig! Come on!" Hurrying after, I climbed into the back of the car, staring out the window. What had happened since I was gone? Why was Ivan still with bruder? Oh Gott, how much of the house was going to be trashed? Resting my head against the window, I heard Ivan complaining about having to come get me, bruder turned to me, but I didn't look. "If you're going to try an kill yourself again, don't fail. It costs to much damn money."
Don't fail next time. You're such a burden on everyone. Once you're gone, who would even remember you?
Second period, Chem II, it turned my first day back crappy, since I had been forced to sit out in gym, it was the first time I had noticed Arthur in my class, he's a sophomore, not only was he giving me dirty looks, but I could hear people whispering about me.
"Sure he's a bit strange, but he just didn't seem like that."
"Who?"
"You didn't hear? Ludwig attempted to over dose. Arthur found him."
Shifting in my seat, the whispering stopped, rolling my eyes, I looked back down at my book, today wasn't going to be fun.
"You're kidding, right?"
"No. Do you think it was a cry for attention?"
"Nah, he may be many things, but he's not one for liking attention."
Drumming my fingers on the desk, I glanced over at the three girls huddled together, I should have stayed home today.
"I heard it was because of Arthur."
"You guys know that it was a lie that they were dating, right?"
"It was? Sorry, but I could picture it..."
To far. Way to far. Looking over at them, one glanced over at me, and smiled a bit, they other two looked over.
"You know I can hear what you're saying, right? I'm only sitting two desks away." The teacher looked up, scanning the room before settling his eyes on me.
"Ludwig, what's going on?" Looking back down at my book, I was thankful that the girls stayed quiet, they just stared at me shocked.
"Nothing sir, they've shut up now." Glancing up, Arthur was watching me from the front row, he turned away quickly.
"Well, it's obvious who Arthur likes."
"That's old news. It's been obvious for weeks."
"Yeah, why do you think he followed Ludwig in the first place?"
Big surprise, you're friends with a fag.
Sighing, I put my head down on the desk, people need to mind their own business. I was thankful for last period, I was tired of hearing the whispers, the new rumors, all about me, I hated the attention. Walking into the new office, Kiku looked up, and smiled at me sadly.
"Grad you're back." Smiling back, Feliciano turned to me quickly, almost sending me to the floor when he attacked me with a hug, leaning on the wall for support, Kiku pulled the Italian away, who was talking a million words a second.
"Are you okay? Why would you do that? Why didn't you tell us! We're you're friends! We were so worried about you! Don't worry us like that!" Stopping for a second to even compute what he had said, he sat there glaring up at me with honey eyes, his arms crossed and his cheeks puffed out. I couldn't help but laugh. "Ve! What's so funny!" Kiku glanced over at him, laughing a little bit as well. "What?" Laughing harder, he narrowed his eyes, storming over to his computer, calming down to where I could talk again, Feli glared over at me as I spoke.
"I'm sorry, that was just hilarious, you just can't do an angry look, and I'm sorry if I worried you guys..." Kiku glanced over at Feli then looked at me again, serious once again, sitting down at the computer I used, he walked over to me, leaning on the counter beside me.
"Feri is right though. We are your friends, you shourd terr us when you're that bothered... You aren't arone." Sighing, I put my elbows on the counter, then put my face in my hands, Arthur had said that too, but most of the time, it sure as hell felt like I was.
"Ve~ Lutz, why would you do that?" Rubbing my temples, I kept my gaze down on the desk, what could I tell them? They only knew that Gilbert was an angry drunk, I couldn't tell them what he does to me, what he tried to do. I'm doing my best to help him myself, and if I'm forced to move, who would help him then? Ivan sure as hell wouldn't. Sure they were my friends, but they would never understand why I do what I do.
"Just... Reasons..." Neither of them said anything, they just sat there watching me, it was a while before either of them said anything, Feliciano put his hand on my shoulder, leaning down to look up at me.
"Ve~ You'll talk to us if you ever feel like that again, right? We don't want to lose you Ludwig, you've been our friend ever since fifth grade! You're to important to us." I look over at him and smiled a bit, they always seemed to cheer me up.
He's lying. Else they would have come to visit you in the hospital. No one cares about you.
Dropping my gaze a bit, I sighed, why did this damn voice always have to have good points, it's not even fair...
Glancing up as I walked into the clinic, I brushed my soaking bangs out of my eyes, of course it had to start raining... I hate when it rains, because my hair never stays back and then it gets in my eyes. Scanning the waiting room, I was glad that it was mostly empty, though I shuddered seeing my uncles office, but was thankful that he wasn't allowed to be my therapist. Walking up to the desk, the lady smiled at me.
"Ah, I take it you're Ludwig?" I nodded, and she smiled again, looking down through a book on her desk, she pointed toward the hall on the left. "Room 39. Just wait outside if the door is closed." Nodding again, I headed down the hallway, stopping outside the door. Mr. Carriedo? Wait... Antonio Carriedo? One of bruders best friends in high school? Oh Gott... Jumping as the door opened, Romano Vargas, Feliciano's older twin, walked out, cursing at the therapist in Italian before storming out. It was indeed Antonio that walked out of the room, he stared at me for a second, then smiled.
"Hello mi amigo. Long time no see, come on in and have a seat." Following him in, I set my bag on the ground next to the chair I sat in, he moved behind a desk, I glanced around, then looked over at him.
"I thought you went back to Spain?" He smirked, then nodded, before rubbing the back of his neck.
"Well, you see, I did, but Lovi and Feli's grandfather left again, so he asked me to watch over them, I came back about a year ago." He put a file away, then pulled out another, looking through it quickly. "You're uncle Roderich requested that I be the one to talk to you. One, because he knows you don't like strangers, and two, because I know how your brother is. Si?" I nodding, crossing my legs on the chair, looking around again.
"How long do I have to continue coming back?" He glanced up from the file, chuckling, closing the folder, he rested his elbow on the desk, then put his chin in his palm.
"That depends on you. If you're getting better, you'll be free to go, but if not, you may even have to come back twice a week. Okay?" Sighing, I nodded again, well, he always was easy to lie to, so, that shouldn't be to much of a problem. "So, the file says you tried to kill yourself... Why?" Sitting there silently, I stared down at the ground, Antonio knows that bruder is abusive when he drinks, which is why they never go drinking together anymore. "Lutz, it's safe for you to talk here. It's only between us. Nothing you say will leave this room amigo." I hesitated, then rubbed my neck, wincing slightly when pressing on the still fading bruises.
"...Gilbert had tried to strangle me that morning..." His green eyes got wide, and he sat up straighter, seeming shocked. "When I got to school, I talked to the student council president about getting rid of unexcused absences, but had to get rid of a guy who was picking on him and calling him a fag... First period the football team targeted me for injuring that player. Second period I was being called a fag as well. By forth period I was being harassed. Then fifth and sixth were the only safe classes I had..." He was writing quickly, then sighed, lookin up at me sadly.
"Why did Gilbert do that? Do you know?" Picking at my jeans, he sat silently, waiting for me to speak, it was kind of awkward telling Antonio about all of this...
"I had been cleaning all day, and hadn't slept good for the past few nights. So he went out, and I finished then went to bed. He came home the next morning, and was angry that I hadn't cooked for him. So he called me worthless an-and tried to kill me..." Suddenly I was back against the wall, with Gilbert's hands around my throat, I could see Ivan standing behind him, the determined look in his eyes.
"Ludwig? Ludwig!" It was gone again, and I was once more in Antonio's office, he sighed shaking his head while he wrote quickly. "I can understand why you would do what you did just by this, but, is there anything thing else? Anything at all?" Slowly I nodded before glancing out the window, seeing the rain pouring down heavily. I had never told this to anyone...
"Sometimes, when Gilbert's calling me worthless, or when my friends are trying to make me feel better, I-I hear a voice in my head. It always agrees with Gilbert, and tells me my friends are lying... It told me to kill myself..." He nodded, writing more, setting down the pencil, he sighed, then looked up at me sadly.
"When did this all start happening? The voice and Gilbert's abuse?" Scanning for a clock, I sighed, only four, I had only been here thirty five minutes...
"A little after vati died Gilbert starting drinking heavily and became abusive, and not long later the voice kind of followed..." He nodded again, rubbing the back of his neck he also looked at the clock, then seemed to think of what more to say.
"Do you think it's your fault that Gilbert is like this toward you?" Slowly I nodded. "Why?"
"Because I can never do anything right... I always know on Monday's he makes me stay home to clean, then over the weekends he throws parties, but I always mess up by not being ready for it. So I have to fight to stay awake to do what I'm supposed to, or else I completely forget to do something..." Once more he nodded, silently he placed a paper in the folder, then put it away, before turning back to me sadly.
"Okay... Well, today was more of a test run, to see what we need to work on, so, you're free to go, but I want to see you back here next Wednesday same time, okay?" Nodding, I stood up again, grabbing my bag he opened the door, I froze, right out in the hall, Arthur had been walking by, he jumped and glanced over, then stopped as well, staring at me horrified. "Oh, sorry Arthur, didn't mean to startle you." Heading out passed Antonio, I sighed as Arthur walked just a little a head of me, he glanced back hesitantly.
"You-you won't tell anyone that I come here, will you?" Shaking my head, he sighed relieved, then grabbed an umbrella from his bag, opening it as we walked out. "Um, I can walk with you if you'd rather not get wet." I shrugged just walking out into the rain, my bangs being plastered to my forehead instantly.
"I'm fine with the rain. It's okay, I don't want to be a bother." Heading toward home, I kept my eyes down, looking up confused when the rain stopped, only to see a red umbrella. Turning, Arthur smirked a bit, then put his free hand in his pocket.
"I go this way anyway..." Defeated, I just walked next to him, keeping my gaze moving, never letting it settle for to long.
"So, um, why do you go to therapy? If you don't mind me asking." He shifted, then kicked at the puddle in front of us, making the water splash up onto his pants, chuckling he glanced over and smirked again.
"I'm really self-conscious... My mum says I need help getting over that. Or I'll never do anything with my life. Which sounds bloody ridiculous to me." Smirking, I glanced down, then hesitated, glancing at my watch, I wish Gilbert hadn't of given me a time to be home by.
"About yesterday. I really didn't mean what I said, I was just angry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." Shivering as a strong wind blew past, Arthur smiled a bit, then glanced over his shoulder, I stopped at the corner of my street, he paused as well. "Well, this is my street, I'll see you tomorrow, and we're okay, right?" He nodded, smiling, then hesitated, looking around again, before turning back to me.
"Can I tell you something, without you freaking out on me?" I nodded. "Well, I heard what the girls said second period too, and well, I figured I should tell you before some strange rumors start but... I really do like you..." I looked down silently, I had always wondered if they were telling the truth. "I just wanted to tell you myself, because I know you don't go that way, and rumors are bound to start. So... Anyway... I'll see you tomorrow...?" Watching him turn and run off quickly, I sighed and headed toward the house, just not really sure what to say or think anymore. Walking into the house, I was surprised to find Gilbert was working under the kitchen sink, closing the door he jumped then moved back to look at me, rubbing his head.
"Where the hell have you been you worthless brat?" Pushing the toolbox over to him as he looked around, he grabbed a wrench, then looked up at me.
"I had that therapy thing, remember?" Watching him move under the sink again, he grumbled, grabbing the flashlight off the top of the fridge, I turned it on, then pointed it under the cabinets where he was working.
"Thanks..." I froze. He actually said thanks? He thanked me? I did something right?
For once.
Maybe he wasn't a lost hope! Smiling to myself, I leaned back, keeping the light steady for him, hopefully I wouldn't have to go to therapy to long then.
Don't get your hopes up. You're more of a mess than you think. More than anyone thinks. Just you wait.
Authors Note:
Well there's chapter two! Let me know what you think!