Waiting outside Antonio's office the next Thursday, I sat there thinking over the week, thankfully other than what happened Friday, everything had gone well, so there wouldn't be much I'd have to lie about.

Don't forget us.

Tilting my head back till it hit the wall, I sighed, these damn voices were getting so annoying, I don't know which one I hated more, the pessimistic one, or the optimistic. They both got on my nerves often.

Yeah, but he won't tell about us. Who wants to be known as the kid that talks to himself?

Even worse, they talk and argue with each other constantly, I feel like I'm in a cartoon with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Jumping when the door opened, Romano stormed out yelling, most likely cursing, at Antonio in Italian, the Spaniard sighed, then turned to me. His green eyes got wide when he saw me, for a second he just stood there shocked, then he finally sighed sadly, moving to the side to let me in.

"Hola amigo, come on in, it seems we have much to talk about." Silently passing him in the door way, he closed the door behind me, and until he sat down, I kept my gaze on the floor, looking up only to find he was looking at me curiously.

"I didn't do this to myself." He nodded, sighing again, then moving papers on his desk, seeming to stall so he could think of something to say.

You might as well have.

Shut up already! It's not his fault Gilbert's abusive!

Keep telling him that.

Okay! Enough from the peanut gallery! Sighing silently, I rolled my eyes, they give me such a headache... Looking up as Antonio cleared his throat, he was watching me suspiciously, then wrote something down sadly.

"The voice you told me about... Is it still bothering you?" I shook my head without hesitating, having to refrain from groaning when they spoke at the same time.

Liar.

Liar.

"Yeah, ever since I moved in with Uncle Roderich, it seems to have lost interest. It has nothing to feed off of now." He smiled a bit, then wrote quickly, asking a question before he even looked up.

"So do you like living with your uncle?" I nodded, then moved back on the chair, crossing my legs, thinking over the one day I had actually been there.

"I've only really been there one day, because he and Elizaveta were on vacation, but Arthur's mother let me stay with them." Now my thoughts shifted to the days I had spent with them, since their mother worked often, and Alfred was either at football or with Matt, it had mostly been Arthur and me.

"How did it feel when you were at Arthur's and your uncles?" Hesitating, I rubbed the back of my neck, figuring out how to describe it.

I like your uncles house, the only fag there is you!

Like I have any problem with being called that anymore.

Well you should! You're sick and wrong!

"It was strange. I'm used to either cleaning, cooking, doing homework, or sleeping as soon as I got home from school. All I had to do at Arthur's was homework, and it took me thirty minutes to talk Mrs. Jones into at least letting me help with the dishes after meals." Stopping for a second while he wrote, I glanced around the room, not taking anything in really. "Then at Roderich's, the same thing, except Elizaveta won't let me do anything. I... I don't know what to do now..." As he finished writing he nodded, pausing for a moment to take a drink from a glass.

"It'll probably take some time for you to adjust, I'd say, for now, tell your aunt that even doing little jobs would be good for you. Plus with you being injured, you don't want to push yourself to hard." Hesitating, when I spoke, I was horrified that the pessimistic voice spoke in my head at the same time.

"If you push the human body it will respond." Freezing for a second, I sighed, great, now I knew which one had more influence on me, he gave me a curious look, but I just shook my head, looking around again.

"So tell me, what else is new?" Staring down at the ground, I was hesitant to say anything, even though he couldn't judge, everyone knew he had a thing for Feliciano's older twin, Romano.

"Well... Arthur and I are dating..." He looked at me shocked, then smiled, when he looked up from writing, I could see he wasn't sure about something, the longer he hesitated, the more nervous I got.

"Tell me what happened..." Sighing, I stared down at my arms, looking at the scabs, remembering the reactions I got when I walked into school Monday, the whispers I heard, the taunts, looking up at him again, I took a shaky breath.

"Gilbert was mad when Alfred was in the house when he got home Friday, once he left he started ordering me around. I fell doing dishes and broke some plates, but Ivan stopped him before he would kill me. Then Ivan held me and let Gilbert cut me up." He sat there silently, writing slowly, probably to give him time to think, when he spoke again, I couldn't tell if he was angry at me, or what I said.

"I don't want the short version Lutz..." Crossing my arms, I looked around the room, just ignoring him, why couldn't he take a hint? Anyhow, he knows how stubborn I am when I want to be. "Come on, you don't want to have to come back twice a week do you?"

"I don't want to talk about it!" He sat there, startled by my outburst, yelling at people isn't really something I like to do often, but he was just so damn nosey, I know it's his job and all but still! He could back off now.

"That's why you're hear... To talk about things like this... Why are you refusing to? I'm only trying to help you." He must not have been listening to a word I've been saying, or he's gotten stupider over the years, could be both, you can never tell with Antonio. Shifting on the chair, I continued to sit quietly, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Ludwig, just tell me why."

"Because my bruder hates me to the point of trying to kill me! That's why! I've escaped death three times in one fucking month! My luck can't always be that good Toni! Gilbert has tried to kill me twice! He's told me to kill myself! Calls me a waste of space and air! Why would I want to talk about it?" It was a few moments before he even blinked his wide eyes, he obviously wasn't expecting that, he stared at the top of his desk silently for a while, then started writing, not looking up at me yet. When he did, I could see the guilt in his eyes.

"I'm sorry amigo... I shouldn't have pushed you with something like that..." Starting to feel calm again, I took a deep breath, and for some reason remembered what Francis had said before.

"I used to sit by and just watch what he did, but I can't anymore..."

Would Antonio understand? Hesitating, when he stopped writing, I looked up at him, not sure if I should ask or not, cause Matt said Francis wasn't supposed to say anything about it.

"Can... Can I ask you a question?" He nodded, smiling sadly, taking another deep breath, I thought over my question, not sure I really wanted to know the answer... "How long has Gilbert been doing this to me?" Now he froze, not sure what to do, after a second he sighed, then rubbed the back of his neck.

"...I'm not supposed to tell you, but I think you deserve to know. It's not like I owe Gilbert any favors anyway. When you guys moved here, back when he was seventeen and you were eight, he was angry with having to move, and normally took it out on you... You being the faithful little brother you are, always made up excuses." He paused, looking down at his desk, pushing the pad of paper away, before crossing his arms on the surface. "Then he went to far. Francis, Gilbert, and I were by the creek behind your house, while you at Mattie were playing on the small cliff above the rocks. He was really mad about something, I can't even remember. You guys called us up to see something, again, I can't remember, but whatever it was made him even angrier... So he pushed you off..." Sitting there staring at him, I tried thinking back, but I couldn't remember any of this, why had no one told me? I was about to ask why I couldn't remember this, but he shook his head. "You were knocked out and in critical condition. He had screamed at us to call an ambulance, before jumping down to get to you. You were in the hospital for about a month in a coma, they said you'd probably have no memory what happened, so he kept quiet, and made us promise to. When you woke up and could remember enough to be up and about, he stopped treating you badly, but he turned against Francis and me, by then it was senior year. So we went our separate ways, and he went back to hurting you." I guess that explains why I don't remember the ending of fourth grade up to the start of sixth... Sitting there silently, I tried to let what he said sink in completely, so it wasn't something that just started, but has been going on for years. "Are you okay?" I nodded, then looked up at him, not sure what to feel or what to think.

"I just can't believe no one told me this... Francis kinda mentioned it, but I think Matt stopped him from continuing, but I've gone four years not knowing that my bruder was the cause of my lost memories..." He sighed, then looked down at the desk again. Because of bruder, I have barely any memories of our parents, because they died during my sixth grade year, only pictures and the stories Roderich used to tell me. Pulled out of my thoughts when there was a knock on the door, Toni and I both turned as it opened slightly, showing uncle Roderich, looking hesitant.

"I'm very sorry Antonio, but, I have to steal Ludwig, there's been an accident..." Glancing over at Antonio confused, Roderich sighed. "Gilbert cracked his head open, and they called saying we should say goodbye to him, because he's not going to make it..."

Look what you did. You leave and he gets killed.

Oh Gott... Feeling my heart drop, I didn't know what to do.

He's still your family, and you've gotten him killed. You were supposed to take care of him, but you were so selfish you left, and now look what's happened.

No... It's not my fault... He... He was probably drunk...

Which is why he needed you, to make sure he didn't get hurt when drinking, you let him down. How many people are you going to kill in your life?

It... It can't... No...

First your parents.

No. That wasn't... I didn't...

Now your brother.

He... No!

Who next? Roderich? Elizaveta? ...Arthur?

"No! Shut up!" Putting my hands over my ear, I curled up on the chair, both Antonio and Roderich rushed over to my side, asking what was wrong.

You're nothing but a murderer.

"Ludwig, it's not your fault. Ivan and him were fighting drunk. It's not your fault!" Toni pulled my hands away, making me look up at him.

"Don't listen to what it's telling you. Remember, it's lying. Now, you need to go, I know Gilbert wasn't there for you, but you need to be there for him one last time." Feeling tears welding up in my eyes, I hesitantly got up, and hurried after Roderich, wondering who was right, the voice, or Antonio...

Murderer.

Authors Note:

Sorry this one took longer, I was procrastinating... As I have been with everything. So since schools almost over, I plan to write more during the summer, so don't expect updates often until then, but I do have internet again so. :D! XD Anyway, I hope you liked the chapter, and I really like writing as the pessimistic voice if you can't tell. It's so much fun. XD