Chapter 6- How Far We Have Fallen

1928

A red and orange glimmer of the rising sun had begun to expose itself when Edward returned home. Carlisle was still doing his shift at the hospital and Esme was outside, tending to her extravagant garden in the yard.

Edward walked through the hallway of the house like the zombie he was, not acknowledging her presence or whistling like he used to, just walking. He sat at his piano in the unlit room, shattering the silence by filling the atmosphere with the sound of Chopin's Nocturne number 1 Opus 9. The piano was like an elegant beast, come to life by Edward's pale, slender fingers. The sadness of the music seeped through Edward's body slowly and spread throughout his venom filled veins.

He played like that for hours, never missing a note, never tiring mentally. He just played the instrument, as if his stopping would send his world into a dark, wave of turmoil and he would have to face reality once again. So for now he just played, wishing he could be in peace like that forever.

Edward's mother had taught him to play. He distinctly remembered himself as a child, sitting at her side on the piano bench, watching as her fingers danced across the white and black keys. It had seemed so complicated to him then, now it came as easily as breathing.

Music was the only thing that made him feel like he still had a soul. It helped him to feel alive in his walking grave. Carlisle did not save his life by biting him; for he was still dead but a ghost, forced to wander the earth for all eternity, never growing, never moving forward. He was trapped inside his seventeen year old, adolescent body. He would never fully grow into adulthood or have the life of a human.

But Edward could not bring himself to hate Carlisle for what he did. His compassion and convictions made him nearly impossible to hate. Even if Carlisle had created Edward out of his own selfish desires and curiosity, Carlisle did his best to provide a life of growth in many ways for Edward. He wanted Edward to go to school and put his mental capabilities to good use. After all it was not like Edward did not like learning, he had read every book in Carlisle's collection, cover to cover and had taken thousands of books out of the library in the past few years alone. But Edward always refused Carlisle's suggestion, he did not mind to be around humans in public if he was blending in with the crowd, but he did not trust that he could keep his vampire nature unexposed in a classroom setting. Carlisle often put too much trust in Edward's self control; his bright red eyes were now proof of that.

The composition he was playing had ended. Edward felt a wave of emotion wash over him when he noticed the Cullen crest symbol wrapped around his index finger. Carlisle gave the crest to him as a sort of welcoming present. The ring had been in his family for hundreds, maybe even thousands of years and suddenly, he did not feel worthy of wearing it.

He slid it off his finger and after staring at it in silence for a few seconds, gently placed it on top of the piano. Then in a flash he bolted up the stairs to his room and threw some of his clothing and basic necessities into a small bag. He made sure to bring things that he still cared for like his human father's watch, a picture of his parents and his mother's wedding ring; all items Carlisle had managed to gather for him when they died. Edward made his decision. He could not stay in this house for any longer, not when he had already chosen a new pathway for himself. Carlisle believed that killing humans was wrong; Edward believed that killing innocent humans was wrong, but some humans just simply deserved to die. And his mind reading capabilities gave him the power to judge that.

Still, when Edward heard the sound of Carlisle pulling into the driveway, returning from the hospital and he looked at his duffel bag sitting on the floor; he felt the wave of mixed emotions overtake him again. At first it was guilt, then it was a feeling of anger, sadness, determination, loneliness, loyalty, and then betrayal all come at him and in half a second, his back slid down the bedroom wall and he sunk to the ground in a defeated mess. He buried his head in his hands, his hands clenched his hair and he began to shake uncontrollably.

Edward thought that this must be what crying is like for a vampire. They could not produce tears but their body could still respond to their feelings, almost like a humans. He thought for a moment that maybe he wasn't as much of a heartless heathen as he presumed. But then again, even the coldest of killers could have feelings. It didn't make them any less of a killer.

Downstairs, Edward could hear the playful joking of Carlisle and Esme as they greeted each other. Through their talking, Carlisle spotted Edward's crested ring placed perfectly on the top of the piano. Carlisle found this odd considering the fact that Edward rarely took it off, let alone left it lying around. He picked up the ring and in half a second, was standing in Edward's room, stunned by what he saw. Edward could see the visual in Carlisle's mind; the image of Edward slumped against the wall, trembling with his head buried in his arms and a filled duffel bag sitting before him.

Even though his thoughts were the complete opposite, Carlisle's voice was calm when he asked cautiously, "Edward?" He approached slowly and reached out to place a hand on his shaking shoulder. Edward flinched away from his touch, but his face remained hidden.

Carlisle was knelt beside him, waiting for Edward to respond. Edward managed to stifle his emotions and his shaking lessened, and then stopped altogether. Outside, it was early morning, birds sung in their nests and the rushing sound of the nearby stream was soothing to listen to.

"Edward, please look at me. What happened?"

Edward did what he asked; he took his hands away from his face and lifted his head up to look at Carlisle. Carlisle shifted away slightly and his eyes widened in shock, his jaw clenched. The sight of Edward's bright red eyes before him made Carlisle stare for a moment with disbelief, while he rationalized everything in his mind, linking all the pieces together.

"Tell me this was an accident. You lost control."

"No." Edward said firmly, his body tensed as he stood up.

Carlisle stood up and was facing him. He said mentally, do you regret what you did at all?

Edward spun around in the direction of the window and stared out, his back to Carlisle.

"I saved a woman Carlisle, I have no regrets," Edward said darkly. "Can't you see? Humans either deserve to live, or deserve to be destroyed." Edward swiftly turned back around and continued his speech, "I have the power to judge who deserves to be destroyed for the good of others. With it, I will rid the world of evil people so that innocents will not be harmed. Think of it Carlisle; you fix people when they are hurt, but why should I not be able to prevent people from being hurt in the first place?"

"Edward, no human is all good or all bad. It is impossible to judge who deserves to die and who does not." Carlisle said firmly, trying to talk him out of his plan.

"I will be the judge of that!" Edward said viciously, then his shoulders dropped and he calmed. "I cannot stay here Carlisle, not when I already have this blood on my hands."

"Edward, look at the way you're acting now; you're obviously not as fine with your actions as you say. You're making a mistake, please son just reconsider. It does not matter to me that you killed a human, we can work through that. I forgive you." Carlisle said pleadingly.

Edward looked at him with heated disbelief. How could Carlisle still manage to forgive him even after all these years of bitterness towards both him and Esme, or even after the murderous act he had just committed, on purpose? Edward hated Carlisle's never ending patience and his sense of peace within his vampire life. He hated the fact that Carlisle had a passion through his medical practice and had found love through Esme. Edward hated what Carlisle had turned him into, but above all, Edward hated himself.

"I don't want your forgiveness." Edward said with clenched teeth.

Carlisle asked mentally; then what is it you want?
Edward wanted Carlisle to be anything but forgiving. He wanted him to view him as the monster Edward thought himself to be. He wanted him to be angry, disgusted or hateful, anything but forgiving. At least the feeling of Carlisle finally owning up to the fact that he no longer needed Edward in his life would give some sort of emotion to feed the black hole of emptiness inside his chest.

"Edward, son," Carlisle said as he moved closer to him, as if to embrace him.

Edward struck his hand away and lunged at his shoulder. Carlisle swerved out of the way, but Edward's teeth dug into the part of his neck above his left collarbone, tearing at the vampire flesh. Carlisle yelped as they both fell like boulders crashing onto the floor. Carlisle, using his good arm struck Edward's face, causing him to stumble away. In a second, Edward recovered from the blow and was on his feet. Carlisle managed to also get up using his good side to push him off the ground.

Edward looked at the large crack in Carlisle's flesh that now diagonally ran from his neck all the way to the left side of his torso. There was no need to feel sorry for what he had just done; he hoped that this would make Carlisle no longer want to see him, to forget about him. Carlisle did not deserve to have Edward around to darken his days with Esme, who was now standing in the doorway with her hands clasped over her mouth at the scene before her.

Seeing them standing there, staring at him. Carlisle, physically and emotionally wounded by his own son and Esme, a loving and kind mother like figure, who he had so selfishly blamed for his own internal problems for as long as he'd known her. Edward felt like he would break down at any moment, but he could not let that happen, not now in front of them, so instead he grabbed the straps of his bag and ran past them, down the stairs and onto the front lawn.

He slowed to a human pace when he heard Carlisle move down the steps of the porch. Edward was a few metres ahead of him when he stopped walking and turned around to face Carlisle, who winced slightly at his injury when he stopped and stood in front of the porch. They were still for a few moments, just staring at each other from across the lawn. Edward heard in Carlisle's thoughts the word "son," one last hopeless plea. Edward willed his reluctant lips to move and said,

"You never had a son Carlisle. I never even existed. "

And with that, Edward ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He ran as if his body was trying to convince his deep and penetrating desire to run back to the house he had lived in with them for the past six years; that he was gone from Carlisle and Esme's life once and for all. He could never return.