Maura put her tea cup down and lay on the couch. She rolled onto her side and stared at the TV, the low blue hue filled the room.
Maura finally managed to fall asleep. She was in the middle of one of her bad dreams when she heard the doorbell ring. It jarred her awake and she sat straight up on the couch and looked around.
The doorbell rang again so she got up and went to the front door and looked out the peephole. She saw Jane standing at her door, leaning a hand on the door jam. Maura rested her forehead on the door; her hand was on the doorknob. She kept telling herself this was a bad idea, to not open the door that Jane would eventually start to sober up and go home. But against her better judgment, which always happened in the case of Jane, Maura opened the front door.
Maura stood silently with her arms folded across her chest. When Jane said her name she could smell the sour beer and vomit on her breath. Maura took a step back. She wanted to ask what the hell Jane was thinking but she remained quiet waiting for Jane to say something.
Maura could see Jane trying to process something in her brain. She could see Jane agonizing over what to say, how to win her back. She saw how Jane searched Maura's eyes looking for a glimpse of something that was once there, a little bit of the love Maura had for her and by the look on Jane's face Maura saw that Jane didn't see that anymore.
So they stood there staring at each other, Maura was getting more impatient by the minute. So finally without a word Maura stepped back and shut the door in Jane's face.
She leaned her back against the closed door. She could hear that Jane was still out there, she could hear the quiet sniffling coming from the other side. Maura fought with every fiber in her being to not swing open the door and hold Jane in her arms again and tell her that everything was going to be okay.
Those days were gone, Maura made sure of that.
Maura listened to Jane cry as she closed her eyes and remembered that day at the hospital when it all ended.
Maura had been standing quietly in Jane's hospital room for almost an hour now waiting for her to wake up.
When Jane whispered a Hey, Maura turned around and went to her bed side and sat down. Jane outstretched her hand and on instinct Maura took it.
When Jane asked what was wrong, Maura couldn't look at her.
"I can't do this anymore." Maura said as she slipped her hand out of Jane's.
The hurt that washed over Jane's face was almost too much for Maura to take. Jane looked so tired and confused.
Maura told Jane she couldn't watch her die, and when Jane said she was fine, Maura just wanted to slap her right across the face. Maura yelled that Jane wasn't fine that she had a bullet hole in her.
Maura rarely lost her temper, especially with Jane, but who the hell did Jane think she was trying to fool?
If Jane had known what it was like for Maura to watch as Jane's life spilled out of her onto the sidewalk, how it was to feel Jane's blood all over her hands, how helpless Maura felt not being able to do anything to stop the bleeding. How helplessly she felt when she couldn't stop the pain that was ripping through Jane body. How life crushing it was to watch as Jane slowly closed her eyes. How Maura had begged her not to die.
"I loved you Jane." Those were probably the hardest words she would ever have to say to Jane. Loved. Past tense. But you don't just stop loving someone as soon as you say the words do you? Maura's heart broke seeing the look on Jane's face when it registered to her that Maura was speaking in the past tense.
She saw how angry Jane was getting. But Maura was shaking on the inside, she kept telling herself, 'Just say goodbye and walk away.'
When Maura got up to leave, Jane stopped her, and Maura turned to look at Jane she saw just how much this was hurting Jane, how much this would continue to hurt her and when Jane said "Please Maura, I …. I love you." Maura almost lost it when she saw that Jane knew Maura wasn't going to say it back, not ever again.
All Maura could do is walk away, she said one final goodbye, before she slipped out the door.
She saw that Angela was coming up the hall to Jane's room so Maura ran in the opposite direction; she took the door to the right and headed down 3 flights of stairs before she had to stop and catch her breath. Between the running and sobbing she was going to hyperventilate and faint. She sat down on the bottom step and cried until she couldn't cry anymore.
The two weeks that followed where bad to say the least. When Angela found out that Maura broke up with Jane she tried to talk to Maura about it but Maura simply said it wasn't any of Angela's business. Angela moved in with Frankie till she found an apartment of her own. Jane was still in the hospital when she found a cheap apartment to move into and asked Frankie and Frost to move her things from Maura's.
Maura knew what they thought of her, they thought she was cold hearted for dumping in the hospital, for dumping Jane just for doing her job. But Maura knew this was way beyond Jane's job description. Maura wasn't stupid she knew there were risks to being a detective, she knew there was always a slight danger involved but it seemed at times that Jane chased after the danger.
"It's who she is; I thought you would have known that by now." Korsak had told Maura.
When Jane was released from the hospital and at home recuperating she'd call Maura and leave messages on her voicemail asking that they talk. Sometimes she'd plead, sometimes she'd get angry and yell things like, 'you own me some kind of explanation.'
At first Maura would call back, tell Jane that things had to be this way and she'd ask Jane not to call unless it was about work but she knew that wouldn't stop Jane.
After a month Jane stopped calling. Even when there was a ceremony and Jane was being called a hero, Maura didn't go, even though she was invited. Maura was trying to make a clean break from Jane but it was becoming difficult since Jane had come back to work.
Now they were forced to see each other every day. Maura would watch Jane as she'd get off the elevators and walk towards the morgue. She could tell Jane had lost weight and that she wasn't sleeping. She looked at Jane and thought 'this is the mess I've made.'
When Jane would come into the morgue everything was professional. There were questions with no flirting, information flowed without fun facts, and details were accepted without sarcasm. Maura could feel Jane's eyes on her, feel her staring at her almost as if she was willing Maura to look at her.
Sometimes though Jane would lose her patience with Maura, she'd come in waiting on results and then they'd find themselves arguing. Maura would stop Jane before the arguing lead to some kind of discussion about their relationship but lately more times than not it was just Jane being angry.
Slowly the mutual friends they had, Frost, Frankie, Korsak and even Angela, they drifted from Maura. She understood it, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt her. They chose Jane and Maura was left alone again.
Sometimes Maura would wonder if it was worth breaking up with Jane. She did it to avoid heartbreak but here she was her heart was broken and she was alone. Jane was a complete mess. Yes she was alive but she was a mess. When Maura would start to wonder like this she'd always go back to that moment on the sidewalk outside the BPD, seeing Jane lying in a pool of her own blood and it always told Maura she made the right decision.
Heart break she could live with, a pissed off Jane she could live with, being alone she could live with, but Jane being gone from her life completely, she couldn't live with that.
Maura shook herself out of her thoughts as she leaned against the door. She opened her front door and saw a defeated Jane walking slowly down her driveway in the light falling snow.
Even though it was broken Jane still had Maura's heart and Maura believed Jane always would. Maura panicked slightly seeing Jane leaving. She wanted to call out to Jane, to tell her she was sorry, that she'd made a mistake, that she was still in love with Jane but ultimately she knew she couldn't do that.
So Maura just stood there in her doorway, tears rolling down her cheeks as she watched Jane take her heart and walk away.
A/N: There's Maura's side. If something comes along to inspire me, I may find a way to continue this by making a 3rd separate story. I don't know yet, or how I can do it but I'll just wait for inspiration.
Thank you all for reading, and reviewing. I made a video for this fic as well. I have the link in my profile, it's called The Mess I Made.