10 000 words and five and a half chapters later, the time is finally upon us: the filling of the prompt! I like to call this and the next two chapters: "Kurtbangst: a symphony in three parts".
A couple of things: first to MiSa, who asked whether Blaine and/or Eric would show up - yes, one of them will make a guest appearance in the next chapter and I am very -very- excited about it ;). And as far as Kurtbastian stories go you really, really have to read As your shadow crosses mine on the GKM if you're not doing so yet. It converted me. That says it all, really.
And then... WARNINGS: If you haven't read the prompt and/or summary yet, I strongly advise you to do so before you start reading. Brace yourself for angst and mentions of unprotected sex, promiscuity, chronic illness, suffering from illness, death, and euthanasia. Most of it is implicit, but seeing the plot (READ THE PROMPT) some freaking out and conjuring up doom scenarios is bound to be expected.
I also would like to mention that my credentials for this story include nothing but a biochemistry background, a friend working at an HIV clinic, and hours and hours of research for two other similar-themed fics. As such, I'm not a medical doctor, but to the best of my knowledge any and all medical and/or practical details are accurate and realistic. If you disagree, or have questions or concerns, or if you just wanna flail, you're always welcome to hang out in my LJ inbox or my Tumblr ask (both aworldoflis). I'll be on about two more hours after publishing, I think, but I'm usually on during the day as well (that's a GMT+1 day, though).
Alright, enough talking. On to the angst. And remember - two more chapters after this.
Sebastian was holding Kurt's wrists in a tight grip, pushing them back against Kurt's chest to put more space between them. There had been no anger in his voice, no exasperation, just determination and maybe the slightest hint of panic.
"Please," Sebastian repeated, much softer now, his eyes pleading, almost as if he was apologizing for his previous outburst.
Kurt nodded, dumbfounded, growing more confused with every second as he climbed off of Sebastian's lap, instinctively shifting back in the couch to give Sebastian more space as he went over the night in his head. Had he really misread the signals that badly?
The movie they'd been watching was still playing, and Kurt quickly turned it off, annoyed by the cheerfulness of the voices. He regretted it as soon as he put down the remote control, though, because the silence that replaced the noise only served to emphasize the tension that was now hanging between the two of them.
The ticking of his wall clock had never been so loud.
"I'm sorry," Sebastian finally said, pulling up his legs in front of him. He looked defeated, guilty, almost, as if he was the one who had done something wrong, although what that was supposed to be, Kurt had no idea.
"I'm not sure I understand what you're apologizing for," he said tentatively, mirroring Sebastian's position. "Seeing as I was the one crossing a line, apparently."
"That's what I'm sorry for," Sebastian said, looking up to meet Kurt's eyes. "For stopping you." Kurt shrugged, plucking at some imaginary lint on his pants.
"I just wanted to take things a bit further. But if you're not comfortable then you're not comfortable. It's ok."
It came out bitchier than he'd intended it to - but then again he had just been cock-blocked by his own boyfriend. Who had yet to give an explanation as to why, and judging from the way said boyfriend was currently staring at his knees, Kurt was pretty sure he would have to drag it out of him.
"Seb, could you just tell me what's going on?" he pleaded. "Please?"
To his surprise though Sebastian nodded immediately, drawing in a deep breath and obviously steeling himself for whatever it was he was about to say. It left Kurt feeling strangely on edge. He'd seen this side of Sebastian before when he had convinced him to give them a shot, and before that, when he had basically tricked him into going out on a date, and it never failed to make him feel uncomfortable.
"I don't know where to start," Sebastian said after a moment with an almost surprised huff, shooting Kurt a nervous smile.
"At the beginning, maybe?" Kurt suggested. He knew it was lame, but it was worth it to see a bit of the old Sebastian resurface as the other man rolled his eyes indignantly.
"Trust me, you do not want to hear about the beginning," Sebastian said almost scornfully, "and I don't even kn-... I mean... fuck, Kurt!"
The outburst took Kurt by surprise, but it seemed Sebastian was more angry with himself than anything else, because he slammed his fists against his knees before pressing them against his eyeballs as if he didn't want to see, wanted to shut the world out, and Kurt could hear him murmur something along the lines of why did I ever thought this would be a good idea. But before he could think of something to say Sebastian shifted, his gaze steady when he turned around to face Kurt, and his voice was firm as he spoke.
"I've always meant to tell you this, Kurt. I need you to know that. I never even for a second considered not to tell you. I guess I just... ," he paused, eyes darting across the room as he dragged his hand over his face. "I guess I just hoped I'd have a little more time to figure out what this is, between us. If we would be able to make it work."
Kurt frowned. Between Sebastian's reputation and the effort it had taken Kurt to actually get him to go out with him, he hadn't pegged him for the long-term kind of type. They hadn't exactly talked about it yet, taking things a day at a time, and the fact that Sebastian seemed to have given it more than just a fleeting thought was both exciting and alarming - not in the least because he seemed to be convinced that their putative future together was inextricably linked to the current topic of conversation. But to know which was the appropriate reaction was to hear the whole story, and so Kurt just gave Sebastian a small nod, gesturing for him to continue.
"Remember how I told you I didn't date?" Sebastian asked. "And how you told me I couldn't give you a reason why you wouldn't want to go out with me?"
Kurt nodded again, although he didn't see what either of those things had to do with Sebastian's apparent objection to couch make-out sessions.
"Neither of those is quite true. Not that I'm dating anyone else right now or, like, since we've been together," Sebastian quickly added when he saw Kurt cock his head in suspicion. "It's just that I don't usually go out with people who are... like you. I mean, people that I just... I don't know, meet somewhere and have a drink with but don't really know anything about."
"Because?" Kurt prompted, not sure where Sebastian was going with it all.
"Because it means having this conversation and as you can see I'm pretty terrible at it."
The words came rushing out of Sebastian's mouth, providing more confusion than clarity. Sebastian bit his lip, fumbling with his hands in his lap, and Kurt realized with a shock that this wasn't Sebastian being insecure, or even scared.
This was Sebastian being terrified.
Whatever it was he was about to say, he was terrified of how Kurt was going to react, and from the way he was avoiding Kurt's eyes right now, Kurt was pretty sure Sebastian was bracing himself for the worst.
And even if he had no idea what to expect - so did Kurt.
"Can I just ask you to promise me something first?" Sebastian looked up through his eyelashes before averting his eyes, as if he couldn't say this to Kurt face-to-face. "I know this is going to sound selfish, but could you just... not tell anyone? You can... you can throw me out, I'll understand if you don't want to see me again, but... I would appreciate it if you could just... not tell."
It was all Kurt could do to give him a reassuring nod, even if he didn't know what he was agreeing on exactly. But it seemed important to Sebastian, and above all it seemed it was the only comfort Kurt could offer him for now - and so he complied. His agreement appeared to relax Sebastian a little, but it still seemed like hours passed before he straightened his back, rolled back his shoulders and looked straight at Kurt.
"I'm HIV positive."
There was no introduction, no gilding of the pill, and just like that those four words now hung heavily between them, the silence even more stifling than it had been before.
Kurt could feel Sebastian look at him, watch him, waiting for some kind of reaction and he desperately tried to think, tried to feel, but his mind had gone black and there was a big hole in his chest where his stomach was supposed to be and there were no thoughts, no words to describe any of what was coursing through him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was probably supposed to be angry, but he just felt numb, as if he was stuck in a bad dream. He wanted to scream himself awake, wanted to get out of this place but the only person he would have wanted to go to was sitting right across from him and looking like death.
"Are you ok?" he finally managed to bring out.
There was a moment of stunned silence, and then Sebastian started laughing, softly at first, but his chuckles became gradually louder and less controlled, and Kurt looked at him in astonishment.
"Oh god, I'm sorry," Sebastian muttered once he seemed to get back to himself, looking genuinely apologetic although his shoulders were still shaking with laughter, burying his face in his hands and then peering up from underneath them. "I'm so sorry, but that is just... that is not the way people usually react."
He straightened himself, taking a breath as he tried to regain his composure.
"But yes, yes, I'm ok. I'm fine. Well, apart from the fact that a bunch of atoms the size of a dust speck is killing me from the inside out, obviously."
As odd as it was, it was Sebastian's blunt remark that brought Kurt back to reality - although he immediately wished he could go back to being numb. At least if it felt like a nightmare he could make himself believe he would wake up eventually.
He felt his head suddenly swimming with questions -how, and who, and when, and why hadn't Sebastian said anything before, and was he at least seeing someone because that sounded pretty serious, and just how, because Sebastian looked perfectly fine, perfectly healthy, and there was no way he would be sick, not that sick, because Kurt would've known, he would've noticed, and why hadn't he noticed?- and he had to close his eyes to keep himself from panicking, but at least the words were slowly coming back to him and he forced himself to breathe, concentrating on the air filling his longs and leaving again until he felt like he could talk.
"Have you seen a doctor?" he asked, voice croaking.
It was a stupid question, probably, but Kurt didn't care - he just wanted Sebastian to talk to him, needed him to break the silence that was suffocating him. It seemed like Sebastian understood, somehow, because he answered the question without laughing this time, his voice soft and calm, almost soothing.
"I see a doctor every four months or so," he said. "I'm not on any drugs or anything, though - my immune system is still strong enough to handle things on its own, and so far it's worked out perfectly fine."
"How long?"
"Diagnosis came five years ago. Didn't get tested all that regularly, though, so it's probably a bit longer. I don't know who it was - back then I was more into fucking than I was into flirting and still handing out my own phone number. And I was ridiculously reckless, obviously. I had built up quite a reputation back in Lima and Columbus, but coming to New York..." Sebastian gestured with his hand, as if he wanted to embrace the room. "Things were so much bigger, here, so much better, but everyone just saw me as some stupid twink from the country and I just... wanted to prove myself, I guess? Basically I just proved how much of a twink I really was, but anyways..."
"So you stopped dating."
Sebastian shot him a wry smile.
"Not immediately, no. I did start using condoms though, I wasn't quite that stupid, fortunately. But then I kind of... well, let's just say I decided it was safer if I stayed away from negative people."
Even if he was talking about himself in the first person, to Kurt it seemed like Sebastian was telling him about someone else entirely. He couldn't imagine Sebastian being that guy, because as much of a flirt as he was it was alway in good nature, and he never tried to hide that it was just an act, never actively used it to get laid. Even with Kurt he'd been nothing short of a gentleman, despite all the sexual innuendos - it was always Kurt who tried to push it one step further, tried to-
Kurt froze as the pieces slowly fell together in his head.
Sebastian's reluctance to even consider going out with him. His attempts at trying to convince Kurt he didn't want to date him. The way he seemed perfectly content bantering and flirting and cuddling without actually attempting to go any further. Him stopping Kurt when things started to get more heated on the couch before. How terrified he had appeared right before he told Kurt. Even his unfortunate aversion to biting, however soft or teasing it was intended to be.
This wasn't just about Sebastian being sick.
It was about them.
He looked up to find Sebastian looking at him.
"You're HIV positive," he said dully, unable to tear his eyes away from the man in front of him, as if saying the words would make them more tangible, somehow, more real, because he hadn't woken up after all, was still trapped in his nightmare.
What did this even mean? For Kurt - for them? Sebastian had said he would understand if Kurt threw him out. Was that what they were supposed to do now? Break up?
"You're HIV positive," he repeated, but the words sounded just as empty and unreal as they had the first time, and he kept staring at Sebastian even as the other man tore his eyes away from Kurt's and back to his hands in his lap, his shoulders slumping.
Would they just always have to use a condom, or was there other stuff they had to think about? Or should they just forget about sex altogether?
Kurt got up, suddenly overwhelmed by the need to move, and he took a few steps towards the table before he stopped and turned on his heels.
Walk. Stop. Turn.
Walk. Stop. Turn.
Sebastian is HIV positive.
The words bounced around in his head. How sick would Sebastian get? How old would he get? Would Kurt be required to be his personal nurse, watch him deteriorate month after month, year after year? How long would it take? Would he be expected to pull the plug when it came down to it?
He could feel Sebastian follow him with his eyes, but he couldn't look back - he needed to figure this out, first. He frantically searched his mind - the safe sex talk he'd had with his dad, miss Pillsbury's pamphlets, the sex workshop from some local lgbtq group he'd attended way back when, ... There had to be something there, some guidelines on how he was supposed to handle this situation, some protocol to tell him what to do. But his mind came up blank and even though he could feel the tears start pressing behind his eyes he couldn't cry, not now, not before he figured this out.
"Do you want me to go?"
Sebastian's voice was soft, laced with worry and concern, and Kurt bit down hard on his lip, the pressure of the tears almost unbearable when he realized that he was the one who put them there. Sebastian was sick, Sebastian had freaking HIV and he was worried about Kurt, healthy, fit Kurt, and it didn't make sense - none of it made any sense.
He felt Sebastian's arms catch him as he broke down, the tears rolling down his cheeks, and he pressed his face against the crook of Sebastian's neck.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed. I'm sorry that you're sick, I'm sorry that you have to go through all that. "I'm sorry." I'm sorry that I'm crying, I'm sorry I'm completely useless because I can't even think right now and I don't know what to do. "I'm so, so sorry."