22
Sarah POV
"Are you ok?" Harry asked quietly, looking absolutely ashamed. He perked up and opened his mouth when he saw that I was crying, but I hastily destroyed the evidence.
"I'm alright." I said, and Harry winced at the sound of my raw voice. He looked at his hands, bowing his head, and it hurt to see him that way. I had to free him from his shame- it wasn't totally his fault that he was forced to cornering me and shouting himself hoarse. If I had given him more hints, if I'd tried to keep our friendship from being destroyed instead of running away from the problem this might not have happened. "Harry-" I started, but he instantly cut me off.
"This is all my fault." He said lowly. "This is the second time I've hurt you because I was too stupid to stop myself." He looked up, looking torn. "Would you forgive me if I apologized? I don't deserve it, but I have to ask." He said quietly.
"Harry, this is partially my fault. I didn't try to ameliorate the situation at all, I didn't try to calm you down, or give you more hints, nothing. There are things I've been keeping from you, and I've been too cowardly to try to explain why." I said, and he blinked, looking confused. "You don't need to be forgiven, Harry. You need to be told the truth." We looked at each other a second. "All of you need an explanation. Then I can apologize to you." I said as firmly as possible.
"Ok," Harry said, taking a deep breath. "But you can't deny that the seizure was our fault," He said, gesturing to Ron. "We were stupid, and even if you weren't sharing, we weren't accepting. I'm sorry. He's sorry." He said, and I smiled softly.
"You're always forgiven, no matter how stupid you are." I said firmly, and he grinned, then reached over and poked Ron hard in the side, who swore, flailed around, then caught his balance, blinking rapidly.
"Sarah!" He exclaimed, sitting up straight, then his expression dropped, looking like a sad puppy. "Merlin, I'm sorry, Sarah, I was an idiot-"
"Yes, but so was I. It's ok, Ron. I'm going to be fine." I insisted, and he too winced at the sound of my voice. "Wake Hermione," I said as Harry and Ron shared a glance. "I have to tell you all something, something really important." Ron did as I asked, and Hermione nearly had a conniption when she saw I was awake, and then I had to stop her as she started yelling at Harry and Ron- I didn't know when she found out what had happened or how she'd reacted previously, but she was furious now. "Hermione. It's ok. Seriously." I said, and she sat heavily back down in a little huff, not at all appeased.
"You said you had something to say?" She said quietly. I took a deep breath, trying to arrange my thoughts. I'd have to go way back to explain all of this as carefully as I could.
"At the beginning of the year, when I had my first seizure, I figured out something really important from my dreams over the summer. I remembered all of them, and more. I made a connection through Bellatrix's head, one that would destroy their entire plan. That's why I had the seizure- she attacked me to keep me quiet." I paused when both Ron and Harry made angry noises in their throats, furious. "She set up this kind of block in my head, through the mark. Her influence keeps me from telling the secret. When I try it hurts. A lot." As per the usual, my left hand curled into a fist. "When I was in the Hospital Wing with Dumbledore, I still tried to tell him what I'd found out, but he knew already."
"What?" Hermione gasped, moving to the edge of her seat, and Harry, Ron and her shared a quick look.
"He explained to me a lot about what's going to happen." I said quietly, still hating the idea that he was going to die, it made me shiver. As I thought about it, a little bit of panic sprung up in me about Dumbledore's comment about how I would die if the mark wasn't removed, and I shivered again. Hermione took my hand and squeezed it, misinterpreting my shiver. "If Bellatrix or anyone else tried to get in my head, to try and make me tell what I knew, Dumbledore had to make sure that I wouldn't, that I couldn't." I said, unable to look at them anymore. "I made the Unbreakable Vow." I said softly, and silence spread through the room. I told myself that I wasn't going to get emotional, that it would only hurt my friends more, but I couldn't help myself. I was literally tongue-tied- and I hated being in that position. "I tried to leave hints, but I couldn't figure out a way to tell you that wouldn't make it seem like I didn't want to tell you things. I didn't think you'd trust me. I didn't deserve your trust anyway, I was keeping secrets." I whispered, starting to cry. No one said anything, and after a moment of calming myself down and wiping away tears, I looked back up. Ron was open-mouthed, still in shock. Harry looked angry yet thoughtful, looking down at his shoes again. Hermione was crying, of course. "So, Harry," I started again, my voice surer, and he looked up, "I'm sorry. All of this bitterness and uncertainty was my fault entirely. You can try to blame yourselves, but the fault really is mine."
"Wow," Hermione said softly.
"So with regards to your guesses about Malfoy," I said, and both Harry and Ron winced, "I can't confirm or deny anything. He has something to do with the future. Yes, I'm following him and trying to talk to him, but it could or couldn't be about what you think. All I can tell you is that it's important that I speak with him, no matter what." I tried to say it strongly, but considering I was pale, in the Hospital and my voice was hoarse, it probably didn't have that big of an effect.
"Let's just forget everything that happened. A fresh start." Ron suggested. Harry nodded, still looking thoughtful, like I knew he would, and Hermione did too, smiling weakly.
"Right," I said, then stretched out my arms with a wince. I still felt like hell. Occlumency had saved me, but it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Unfortunately, the thanks went to Snape for that one. Even if he was playing the hardest role of all, I still didn't like him. "So, how are you?" I asked conversationally, trying to lighten the mood. Ron looked at me in disbelief, and Hermione started to laugh. They chatted with me for a long time, and Harry told me all about all the lessons with Dumbledore I'd missed. I found the part about the Horcruxes fascinating, and I made a note to research it as much as I could. Harry didn't know much yet, and I knew that he'd have to start trying to get a memory from Slughorn. Maybe that would help him figure out more about the Horcruxes. I didn't even know much about them, Dumbledore hadn't shared that with me. But I knew that whatever Harry learned from Dumbledore about Horcruxes was going to be vitally important- and everything would rest on it. When there was a lapse in the conversation, I got to thinking about what Madam Pompfrey had told me. If we were being completely honest with each other today, I might as well tell my friends. "Hey guys?" I asked quietly. Hermione looked away from the window, Ron stopped staring into space, and Harry turned around, leaning on the top of his chair. "I have some bad news."
"What?" Ron asked after the three of them shared another look. I knew what they were all thinking- that it'd been a hell of a day already, what more did I have to share? Suddenly, I felt really stupid, like I was trying to act superior with all of the knowledge I had and they didn't. I took a deep breath, trying to focus.
"Ron, you probably won't understand this, Harry, I don't know if you will either. Madam Pompfrey has been checking up on me a lot lately and I didn't know why. She told me today that because of the mark I've developed epilepsy." I said quietly. Hermione gasped, standing up, but Ron and Harry looked at each other, confused and a little scared by Hermione's reaction.
"I don't believe it." Hermione whispered, hands over her mouth. "How?"
"What is it?!" Harry interjected.
"It's a disease in the brain when there are random sporadic bursts of energy. It causes seizures." Hermione said in a hard voice. Ignoring Harry and Ron, who where trying to find out more, she turned back to me. "How did this happen?" She asked, sounding angry.
"The stress from Bellatrix's connection. It's put pressure on my brain." I said quietly.
"So you'll be having seizures that aren't from her?" Ron asked in a hard voice.
"Supposedly. There aren't any magical treatments for me." I said before Ron could ask. "All Madam Pompfrey could give me would be sedatives to ease a seizure once it was already started." I elaborated. Harry swore furiously and punched the wall, making a loud banging noise.
"What is going on down here?!" Madam Pompfrey sounded outraged before she even came into view. She saw Harry sucking blood of his knuckles and she huffed, coming over and healing his knuckles with a wave of her wand, then pointed it at the wall and the dent Harry made popped back out. "Now, I think that is quite enough for one day. It's very late. The three of you need to leave." She said firmly.
"We'll be back tomorrow," Hermione promised, and we exchanged half-hearted smiles. She fully understood what epilepsy meant- it would take awhile for Harry and Ron to fully understand.
"Bring me some books, please. I'll need something to do." I said, trying to remain cheerful, even though I was shaken. Harry's reaction had stunned me, and made me recognize that Harry still blamed himself for everything, even though I'd given him evidence to prove that it wasn't him, it was me, and when it wasn't me, it was Bellatrix Lestrange.
"I'll bring all of your books and some homework. Take care," Hermione said, starting to go as Madam Pompfrey started to push my friends down the ward.
"Rest." Ron stressed, and I smiled and waved until they were gone. Madam Pompfrey came busily back, Summoning things from a storage cupboard and her office.
"It really wasn't Harry's fault that he acted that way. I told my friends about the epilepsy." I told her softly as she measured out potion. She tisked quietly, setting down the bottle and handing me the glass.
"It's something to help you sleep." She explained. With a sigh, I downed it, handed her the glass, and scrunched back down to a lying position. Already feeling sleepy, I curled up, taking off my glasses and lazily putting them on the nightstand. The last thing I remembered was tucking my arm back under the blankets.