Deidara braced himself against the oncoming headache as he entered the room. The girls giggled and made comments of 'he's so hot!" and 'so cute!'

Finally, Deidara slammed his hand down on the desk.

"Shut up! Shut up already, hn!" he shouted. "Alright, next person to talk without raising their freaking hand is getting blown to kingdom come, got me?"

Silence. Deidara smirked.

"Okay, girlies, this is the segment I like to call 'I'm sick and freakin' tired of all your Mary Sues.' We'll be going over Alternate Universes as well as the plague that is the Original Character."

He uncapped a marker. His hand then proceeded to try to eat it, resulting in a rather amusing struggle.

"G-gimme that, dammit! You're not supposed to eat that, hn!"

Deidara yanked the marker out of his hand's mouth. He stormed angrily out of the room, returning a minute later wearing a pair of latex gloves.

"…Now that that's over with…"

Deidara picked up the marker and began to write.

ALTERNATE UNIVERSES:

High School AU'What-if' Fic

o Non-Massacre AU

Vamp FicDifferent PairingCrossover FicDifferent Plotline Altogether

"These are the most common types of AU fics, hn. I'll be going over each one. First off, the High School AU."

Deidara pinched the bridge of his nose with a latex covered hand.

"God, I can't stress this enough: do not do it. It's a cheap cop-out at best. The characters are almost alwaysout of character, and any major plot points are completely thrown out the window, hn."

A girl raised her hand.

"What?"

"But…why shouldn't we use high school? We know more about it than anything else."

"Because of the reasons I just barely listed. Everyone is out of character, all the plot devices and character development-y type moments never happened, and it just plain sucks, hn."

He tapped the corner of his mouth in thought.

"Now, I've read a couple really good High School AU fanfictions, but those are merely the exception that proves the rule. Unless you are completely confident in your writing abilities and can find some way to make sure all the character development-y moments happened, you have no business writing a High School fic, hn."

Deidara smiled a bit.

"Now, this next type is my favorite. The 'What If' AU. This is the type of fanfiction where a character or situation is made to be different, based on the author's idea, hn. For example:"

He wrote:

What if someone besides Naruto was the Nine-tails Jinchuriki?What if Sasuke didn't leave to go with Orochimaru? What if Itachi took Sasuke with him when he left the village?What if Deidara killed that dirty son of a bitch Sasuke with his ultimate artwork?

Another girl raised her hand.

"Um, doesn't that last one sound a bit vindictive toward Sasuke?" She asked.

"Damn straight it's vindictive. If it weren't for that bastard I wouldn't have died, hn!"

Deidara waved a hand and moved on.

"At their best, What If fanfiction provides an interesting twist on different plot points. For example, you can have a fight turn out differently, or a character take another course of action- for example, Jiraiya winning the fight against Pain, or me surviving my ultimate artwork, hn. at worst, you have badly written shit."

"In the same vein as 'What If' fics are the Non-Massacre AU's- otherwise known as the fics where Itachi grows a pair and doesn't off his clan. However- most of these fanfictions completely ignore the fact that the Uchiha were plotting the overthrow of the village, and just leave the clan alive with no explanation whatsoever, hn. That, my friends, is called bad writing."

He sighed.

"To write a What If fic, you need a decent idea- a plot point you would like to change, or a character you want to do something different with. It cannot just be an excuse to Mary Sue-ify a character that you happen to like, or to bring back a character for shipping reasons- though that can certainly be part of it, hn. In short, it has to be plausible, and there has to be a good plot resulting from it, hn. If you bore yourself with your own fanfiction, you have written shit."

Deidara grabbed the eraser and cleared off the board.

"Next is potentially the worst thing to happen to fanfiction since Mary Sue."

He wrote the words VAMP FICin big, bold, angry capital letters. His eyes narrowed in anger and indignation. The girls shrunk back in their seats, half expecting him to blow something up.

"Vamp fic. In which one or more of the characters is a vampire, usually with the destined love interest as a vampire hunter, hn. This is the most cliched, overused, boring tactic of fanfiction writing- even worse than the High School fics. Do not do it, hn. If you want to write a fanfic with fucking vampires, go write someHellsing or Vampire Knight fanfic and keep it the hell out of Naruto."

Deidara paused to catch his breath.

"Anyway, moving on. The Different Pairing AU is relatively simple. Character A falls in love with Character B as opposed to Character C. Simple enough. Basically, it's a What If fic with shipping. It can work out quite well, provided you don't bash the spurned love interest, hn. But that'll be covered a bit later."

Deidara waved his hand with a flourish, wiping the board clean. He sat down in the wheeled chair by the desk, spinning around a few times before continuing.

"Crossovers, hn. You take one fandom, you cross it over with another. Genius, huh?"

Nods of agreement from the crowd of girls.

"Now, you can technically cross anything over with anything else, hn. But, it's best if you pick two relatively compatible fandoms, like, say, Bleach and Dragonball, or Full Metal Alchemist and D. Gray Man."

A raised hand.

"Yeah? Cure little redhead in the back."

"What about Harry Potter?"

"Ah, good old Harry Potter. The fandom every other fandom gets crossed over with eventually. Well, Full Metal Alchemist or D. Gray Man would probably be the best matches, but any fantasy anime should work."

"Like Hellsing?"

"...I suppose. Moving on..."

Deidara mused in silence for a moment.

"Making up a completely different plotline. As in, taking the characters and throwing the rest of the story away, hn. I've seen it done quite well on a few occasions. I'd say the best thing to do is to keep the characters as in character as possible. Do that, and the plot can pretty much be anything you want it to be. Kisame will discuss characterization next lesson."

"Now on to a personal pet peeve of mine. The 'Sakura Goes to Akatsuki and Gets Laid' plotline. All I can say is that I'm sick and tired of it. Just stop it, people."

"Now then, OCs..."

He stood up and took the marker again.

ORIGINAL CHARACTERS

Underneath that, he wrote:

Should NOT bend the rules of Canon to their shallow, one-dimensional wills.

Should have flawsand fit into the canon universe.

"Most OC's I've read about were shallow, one dimensional characters that make Bella Swan look complex. A real character has flaws."

"But my character has-"

"I swear I will blow up the next person that talks!" Deidara warned. "Let me finish, hn!"

Silence. A very welcome silence.

"A character needs real flaws. Not 'she's too perfect' or anything like that. And her flaws have to get in the way of her main goal in some way- so stubbornness doesn't count if all it ever does is help her out, hn. Shecan be smoking hot and all that, but she has to have flaws. And she can't bend the rules of canon to her will. Pain will talk more about this later, but if all the characters are falling in love with Miss OC, then you have a Mary Sue on your hands. Any questions?"

"Are you dating Sasori?"

Deidara promptly turned bright red.

"N-no more questions."

He stormed out of the room red-faced.

"What's with the face, Deidara?" Sasori asked. Deidaras face turned darker red, and he stomped away, muttering to himself.

"...What's his problem?" Sasori asked, more to the thin air than to anyone around.