Chapter 5

"How is she?" Xander asked Willow, obvious strain in his voice.

"She won't talk at all. Won't even let me come into her room any more. It's been two whole days…I'm really worried about her."

"Yes…she must get back to her slayer duties." Giles piped in. "The slayer is not supposed to get so emotionally involved…I had no idea Spike meant that much to her…ah…" he coughed. What am I saying? I just feel guilty for letting something like this happen…for not being able to protect Buffy from emotional damage as well as physical…

In fact all of Buffy's friends were feeling guilty and blaming themselves and not knowing what to do. But none of them were feeling as guilty as Buffy herself felt.

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Sitting up in her room, Buffy clutched Mr. Gordo to her chest. "Spike…." She whispered.

How could I have let this happen? Especially after he risked his own unlife to save me that first time! This is how I repay him? And worst of all…much, much worse…we had an argument…the last moment we spent together…I was so cruel to him…maybe he was telling the truth…I was so untrusting…and I'll never get to tell him I'm sorry and that I just love him so much I couldn't stand it!

I'll never see him again…I'll never feel his arms around me…I'll never hear that sexy voice…

Why does it hurt so much?!

But…. was Spike hurting? What exactly happens to vampires without a soul when they are staked? Do they just cease to exist? Buffy wondered. Or do they go to some form of hell to pay for all the innocent lives –

She suddenly realised something. Spike didn't turn to dust…and those other vampires I've seen the demons 'kill' before…they didn't turn to dust either…they just faded and disappeared…

So did this mean…? Did it mean Spike wasn't actually gone forever; he simply had been transported to some hell dimension, and the Erimoir's collected energy from that? It was confusing but….is it only my mind hoping? But…there's still a chance…if he's in another dimension…maybe there is a way to get him back!

Suddenly bursting with hope, and shoving all the doubts, all the fear and sadness forcefully out of her mind, Buffy felt herself becoming the slayer again. She ran out of her room to go and talk to her friends. Some major researching was needed.

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"Buffy…I'm not sure if there is anything we can do."

"Yeah Buff…even I kinda miss Bleach Boy, but we've been going through every book we can find for hours…."

"Keep trying." Buffy ordered with determination. "There has to be a way to bring Spike back. There has to."

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Buffy looked up. Willow and Xander were both exhausted and had fallen asleep whilst researching the books in the school library. For a second she felt annoyed and wanted to shake them and tell them that every moment they wasted meant the longer Spike was suffering…and how much he was suffering…well she couldn't even bear to think about that. But the were wounded and exhausted and it was her fault they were like that in the first place...

Buffy sighed as she turned the pages. At least Giles was still helping her.

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The sun rose, burning her eyes, and still Buffy looked through tome after tome, searching for something…. anything to do with the ancient demon and its powers.

It was a school day and soon the halls were filled with the sounds of voices. Buffy felt so detached and almost unreal as she sat there, hearing the familiar sound of schoolkids laughing…she was supposed to be in class…but there were more important things to do.

"Ah! Here's something…." Giles announced, sitting up straight.

"What?? Really!" Buffy yanked the book off him, only to give in back a second later, grumbling "It's in some strange symbols."

Luckily Giles seemed to understand it. "Yes…it says that there is one amulet which can be used to summon these demons, and, if a person is wearing the amulet and allows an Erimoir demon to transport them they can travel inside the hellish dimensions without becoming damaged."

"But can it be used to bring back Spike?" Buffy chewed her lip nervously.

"Yes, it says anything that the person is touching when they want to go back will come with them…so if you find Spike, you should be able to bring him back!" Giles paused. "Buffy…. this is still incredibly risky and dangerous are you really prepared to risk so much – "

"Giles, I don't think that's even a question that needs to be asked." She said it with such firmness that Giles didn't argue. "So, how do we get the amulet and where do we go to summon one of those demon things?"

"Well, that's our next problem…I have no idea."

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"This is taking too long!"

"Buffy," Giles said, "Willow and Xander left an hour ago to get some rest at home, I suggest you do it to."

"How can I rest at a time like this?"

"Your going to have to Buffy, even if we do find how to get the amulet, you'll need to rest to replenish your strength before you attempt to…" he swallowed trying not to show how worried he was. There was still a part of his mind that screamed, My slayer's going to hell to rescue a vampire! There's something just not right about that!

After a bit more nagging, Buffy finally agreed to go home for a few hours. She ended up on her back, in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Thinking about Spike.

An hour past and nothing changed.

I need to get my mind off him! It's driving me crazy…Buffy got up, maybe some good ol' traditional slaying might help.

A little while later she found herself standing outside Spike's crypt. I didn't mean to go here…I guess it's just a habit…

Her heart lurched. So familiar. His crypt…so silent and empty without him that's how she would feel if she never saw him again.

But what was that? A sound? The crypt was not so silent.

Gripping her stake in her hand, Buffy inched forward.

She saw a figure and leapt on it, forcing them against the wall, arm pinned under their neck, stake ready.

Two cold brown eyes stared at her.

"Drusilla." Buffy snarled.

"Spiiiiiiike. He's gone….I can feel it…he's not in this world any more." Her eyes fluttered. "I never meant for this to happen…"

Realisation dawned. "You…you raised the demons again?" Of course. Which means she has the amulet!

Buffy pressed her stake hard into Drusilla's chest, over her heart. "Okay Dru, you better tell me quick where that amulet is before you become a big pile of dust."

Drusilla stayed motionless. She didn't seem afraid of dying at all.

"I'm warning you….I am so looking forward to getting rid of you – " Buffy threatened between gritted teeth.

Drusilla smiled slowly. "You won't do it, deary. Don't you remember? How my Spike screamed at you last time not to kill me…do you think he could forgive you for this?"

Buffy was silent, remembering. She's right…could I bring myself to just kill her almost 'behind Spike's back' without feeling guilty about it? And if it were Angel and Spike was in the same place as me…I wouldn't want him to kill my ex…

It was then that Buffy realised threatening to stake Drusilla wouldn't work. Aside from the fact that she wasn't sure she could actually bring herself to do it without Spike around, Drusilla showed no fear of dying, she was too out of it to even consider giving in and…killing her would mean Buffy had no lead to finding the amulet.

"You don't understand." She snapped. "If I don't get that amulet…I'll never get Spike back."

Drusilla continued to smile. "I'm sure my sweet Spike is having a glorious time." She sighed happily. Abruptly her smile dropped and her eye's locked with Buffys. "I'll summon another demon for you and give you the amulet if you agree to my terms."

Buffy sighed knowing it wasn't going to be good.

"You will promise me, that if I help you, once Spike has returned, you will tell him that you don't love him anymore, and make him believe it. Force him away from you, so my baby can return to me."

Buffy stared. No, no! Anything but that…why don't you just agree quickly and lie? Because then who knows what else she might do? If she summoned all those demons before, who are loyal to her now… Oh Spike…even if we can't be together, at least I will know your not living in torment…

Buffy swallowed, trying to be strong and nodded. "Agreed. Spike is yours if you help me."