Oh motherfucker. They said someone came to visit me, and it just had to be you, didn't it? I'd prefer a more, y'know, female visitor. So at least I could stare at her. 'Cept Rinoa, I don't think I'd be able to handle her right now.

...Oh no, don't give me that look. I didn't mean it like that, asshole. Just sit back down, okay? Hyne. You gonna start acting like chicken-wuss now? No, you'd probably have to drink a lot more caffeine than you normally do for that to happen.

Speaking of addictive substances, you have any cigarettes on you? Yeah, I know, shitty segue. Well?

Oh come on. Give a man his goddamn nicotine.

...Fine, be a little bitch and don't answer. Not like it'll even matter by tomorrow.

...And how's Rinoa, anyway? Not too worked up over me, I guess. Figured as much. Slept with her yet? Yeah, yeah, personal thing, sit back down already. So she's fine? Healthy and shit?

She still hate me?

Well of course she hates me, I just about fed her to a goddamn monster. She'd never show it, but she's gotta.

I guess she's...not really the hating type, huh? I always thought that was weird. She should though, or else she'll always be forgiving the bastards who want to hurt her. 'Cept you won't let 'em, right? Yeah. You do that, then. Protect her, or else I'll haunt your goddamn ass.

'Cept that'd probably be boring as all hell, what with you being, y'know, you and all. I'd much rather haunt Zell, that'd be hilarious. Make him choke on his precious hot dogs. Or Rai and Fuu. Can you haunt two people at once?

Yeah, they came here they other day. Said they'd be here tomorrow for the whole...thing. Told 'em not to, but they told me to shove it up my ass. Not in those words, but yeah. Those two always know just when to tell me to shut the hell up. Best kinda gang a guy can have, 'specially when you do stupid crap as much as I do.

That...thing...is Edea coming? No, wait, don't answer. Just don't let her if she is, okay? My last wish, or something.

Hey, you think it'd work if my last wish was to get out of this whole situation? Yeah, didn't think so.

...I kinda wonder if my life'll flash before my eyes. 'Cuz there's some parts I'd rather skip, y'know? And there's some parts I wouldn't mind a replay of, either. No, I'm not telling you which parts, you bastard.

Well, except that time Zell managed to sneeze up a noodle. I didn't know that was even physically possible. Oh come on, you wanna see it again too, admit it. Let up on that stony face just once.

Why do you do that, anyway? You've always been such an emo boy. Like you don't even know that you've got it made. I mean, you've got a girlfriend, a bunch of friends, a bunch more people who simply adore you for some reason, and of course let's not forget the whole savior-of-the-world thing. And you even found your goddamn family, for Hyne's sake. You got your fucking happy ending.

And the villain gets his due, right? Just like a fucking fairy tale.

'Cept I'd much rather be a fallen hero. So much cooler, and you get more chicks. 'Cept then I'd probably have to angst like you, and I'd rather die before that happens. Except, oh wait, that's all worked out for me already. Happy day.

...Oh, now you're looking at me again. No, a different look, the "stop being a fucking idiot" look. I know I'm a fucking idiot, okay? Fucker.

...Just...shut up.

...They're doing one of those fatal injections, right? Think I could request a firing squad? Much cooler way to go. They don't do those anymore? Well, shit.

Don't tell me I'm in denial. I think I'm taking things pretty well, considering. Now if you could please leave, I was trying to think up some good last words when you came in, and I'd like to get back to that.

And if you're not there to hear them, tell 'em...tell 'em...tell 'em I said "Hey." I figure that's good.

No, I don't have anything in my eye, I'm not doing that macho shit. I'm crying, you happy now? Think maybe I'm allowed to cry, just this once.

So...go back and make a family or something, okay? Go and have some manic-depressive kids. So you can know just what the hell it is we're supposed to be fighting for, and all that shit. And...fuck, now I can't stop crying...

Dammit, I don't need your comfort.

...How much would a rescue mission cost?

---

A/N: Optional epilogue: ...Turns out that was why Squall was there in the first place. Raijin and Fuujin had already paid him (he charged half price) and he just wanted to run it by Seifer first.

Always thought that Seifer didn't get any resolution to his character-arc. He disappeared and suddenly appeared all happy in the ending movie. Kind of short-shrifted him, considering he was on the cover of the game and all.

...I managed to sneeze up a noodle one time.