Pieces 5

I can't sleep. No matter how long I lay here in the all-consuming darkness, I can't seem to get my eyes to close. Xena refused to talk to me anymore as soon as we got back to the tavern. Of course I'm not surprised by this, but I am surprised by the fact that I need her to sleep. I feel all alone in this small room, encapsulated by silence. I can't take it anymore. Getting up, I throw my clothes back on and creep out into the darkness of the hall.

Flickering light of a fire greets me as I reach the top of the stairs. Apparently no one doused the fire, or maybe…. Making my way down to the landing, a figure slowly becomes visible. I have no doubt it's Xena, hunched over at a table right next to the fireplace.

'You should be sleeping.' Her voice is deep and raspy.

'I couldn't.' Making my way over to the table, I sit on the bench directly across from her. She's staring down at the wood grain of the table, unwilling to meet my eyes. She fidgets with a mug clasped between her hands.

'Well you're going to need all the rest you can get.' I just nod my head slowly. 'When I was carrying Solan I had no time for sleep.' She gives a small sad chuckle as she looks up, though not at me, somewhere far away it seems. 'Being a warlord doesn't leave much room for having babies, but then again it doesn't leave much room for anything good.'

'Xena, I'm sorry about before.'

'What's there to be sorry for?' The far away look is slowly disappearing from her eyes. 'Don't worry, I won't bring it up again.' She drinks whatever is left in her mug in one big gulp. 'Like I said, you should get some sleep.' She begins to stand, but I put my hand over hers, stopping her movement.

'Wait.' I try to plead with my eyes, begging her to sit back down. Finally she relents, sitting down somewhat stiffly. 'Can we do this over?' She sighs, eyes narrowing slightly.

'Go ahead.' Her eyes avert back to the table. I of course don't really know what to say.

'I feel like there's a lot of things happening at once and it's a little overwhelming. My life seems to be changing by the second.' She remains silent, her face holding its mask of indifference.

'Xena, you've been with hundreds of people and I've been with one person for one night.'

'It's not hundreds!' She shoots me a glare.

'How do I know I wont wake up one morning and you'll be gone without a word?' A slight ripple of guilt passes through Xena's eyes.

'You don't.' She says simply.

'And I'm supposed to be ok with that?' I shift uncomfortably on the bench, we've been sitting here too long.

'I never said that.' She sighs. 'I need to know, how do you feel about me?'

'I don't really know, but I love you I just don't know to what extent.' This is not really the response Xena was looking for. 'Can't we just let things happen on their own accord? Right now I need a friend more than I need a lover.'

'You're right, I'm sorry.'

'Please don't be. I don't think I could stand you hating me.' Her eyes flick quickly towards me.

'I could never hate you.' Her voice is firm and adamant. I get up and walk to the other side of the table as Xena stands and we embrace. 'Come on.' She says pulling away and giving me a small smile. 'Enough of this touchy feely stuff; let's go to bed.' So we go, but this time she is back by my side with protective arms wrapped around me. It takes second for sleep to consume us.

For a little while, life seems calm and uncomplicated. But it only lasted about a month before Xena's services were needed. A part of me is so sad to watch her ride away, knowing I'm going to miss out on the adventure. Though I know I wont miss the constant battles Xena runs into, even before we get to our destination.

Xena got to work straight away on the little farm house, fixing the roof till it looked brand new. I'm beginning to grow fond of this place, despite all of its obvious flaws. While Xena is away, I'll most likely spend all my time filling in cracks and holes in the walls. I had to promise her that I wouldn't do anything too stressful, we argued for about an hour before I finally relented. I think she even conscripted her mother to watch over me.

While I spend my days at the house, I spend my nights in the tavern. Occasionally, if I'm not too tired, I get up and tell stories for a few dinars. Mostly I spend time with Cyrene, she tells me stories of all her children when they were little. Xena of course was the worst of the bunch, not that I'm surprised.

'When are you going to visit your family?' She asks, innocently enough one night.

'I don't know. I can only imagine what they'll want me to do. Probably wouldn't let me leave until they can find a man willing to marry a widow.' Cyrene pushes a loaf of nut bread in front of me. She's always plying me with treats, insisting I need to fatten up.

'You should give them a chance.' She says softly.

'Maybe. But only if Xena comes with me.' I start plopping bits of bread in my mouth and find myself wondering if Xena's ok.

'I can be dense sometimes, but I have to ask.' Cyrene looks at me inquisitively.

'Hmmm?' I can't talk around the food in my mouth.

'What exactly is your relationship with Xena?' I nearly choke on the bread, barely managing to get it down without spitting everywhere. Cyrene is watching me closely, eyes narrowed.

'Umm what do you mean? She's my best friend.' I try to avoid eye contact with her as she nods her head.

'But it's more than that, isn't it?'

'Ummmmmmm.'

'It's ok.' She says, trying to give me a reassuring smile.

'Xena wants it to be more, and maybe I do too but with everything….' I confess all too easily. Her face remains friendly but guarded.

'I won't pretend to understand a relationship between two women.' She pauses. 'But I do know she is a different person because of you.' I try to say something, to tell her that Xena is the one who made herself change; but she won't let me. Her hand comes up, halting any words before they can come out.

'With everything that Xena has done, I've got to say this is probably the tamest and the smartest. I love you like a daughter, so I accept your relationship; whatever it may be.'

'Thank you.' My voice is tight with emotion.

'Did you ever think that maybe now is the perfect time to be more than friends?' She questions.

'I'm afraid.' She nods her head slowly.

'No one can promise Xena won't break your heart, not even Xena herself. But you can't worry about something you really have no control over. Just love her.' Her eyes shine brightly at me as she pats my hand affectionately. 'Now, I think you need to get some sleep.' She stands up with a smile, then shuffles away to help her staff clean up.

Once again I find myself lying in my bed, unable to sleep because Xena isn't here. If this little thing affects me so much, how would it be if I truly let myself love her.