Pieces 8
Xena and I quietly left the farm, before the sun began to rise. I had told my parents the news, and that was all that I cared about. That mission finished, I didn't really want to stay and be subjected to my parents ranting and raving.
'Do you think that once I have my baby, I'll understand my parents more?' We're walking down to the road, just an hour or so away from Amphipolis.
'Yes. They love you and they want their version of what's best for you. You'll feel the same when your child grows older. Some things you will be right about, and some things you won't.' She shrugs as she stares off down the road.
'Do you think you made the wrong choice with Solan?'
'No. That was the best choice.' She sighs and I can tell she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.
'I feel like a coward, sneaking out the way we did, but…..I don't think I could take another day of that.'
'I'm sure they'll come around. They'll want to see their grandchild.' She flashes a small reassuring smile.
'Yeah, I guess.' The rest of the trip I'm caught in the whirlpool of my thoughts.
Night is upon us when we reach home. There's a part of me that gets all warm and tingly when I think of my home. Not the house where I grew up, but the house where I will raise my own child. As Xena takes care of Argo, I set about getting some food together. In the short time we had been gone, the one field we own was tilled. By the light of the moon we could see the ruts that run along the ground, and the piles of rocks that had been pulled from the neglected earth.
I asked once why this place had been left vacant for so long. An old man told me a family was killed in the house and most people believe their spirits haunted its walls. So far I've not seen or heard anything to give credence to these stories, but it's always on the back of my mind.
'I think they've adopted you here.' Xena says as she sits down at the table in the kitchen. She's changed into a simple shift but still carries some of the dirt from the road on her skin.
'Why's that?' I pull the rabbit off the fire and put it on a platter in front of her.
'Well it looks like they've been working on the barn while we've been gone.' She starts picking meat off the carcass.
'How do you know they don't do it because of you?' She stops a moment, looking at me with her eyebrow cocked. 'What, it could happen?' She snorts at me.
'No, I'm pretty sure it's you.' I grab the other rabbit and sit down across from her, groaning slightly as I do so. With this little extra weight, walking has already become harder. Not that I can't walk, it's just more tiring than it ever used to be.
'Xena, what are you going to do?' I can't seem to find my appetite and just pick at my food.
'About what?'
'Here, in general?' She shrugs her shoulders.
'Work the land, we can just make planting season. Do some odd jobs. I'll figure something out.' No matter how many times she tells me, I'm not convinced she will even be remotely happy here for very long. Maybe she's lying to herself, wants to believe it so much that she is ignoring the truth. 'Eat.' She jerks her head at my plate as she continues to shovel food into her own mouth.
'You realize,' she says, still not looking at me. 'When we met I was going to stop being a warrior. I do have other skills.' She says this with some contempt. I feel guilty doubting her sincerity, but fighting has been her life.
I wake up in the morning and Xena is gone. I've been sleeping later and later, of course I'm not going to complain about it. I can hear hammers and saws going away outside my window, no doubt the men are back to work on the barn.
After getting washed and dressed, I decide to make some sweet treats for the workers. They continue to refuse any payment in the form of dinars, but maybe I can at least feed them. I get out a few scrolls of recipes that Cyrene has taught me and get to work straight away. In no time I have enough pastries and baklava to feed an entire army.
The sun is high as I walk outside, the heat forcing many of the men to go shirtless. They all smile as I place the tray of food down, along with a bucket of water. Under the shade of a tree next to the barn, I sit on a tree stump and begin to weave a tale of adventure as the men listen attentively. I always make sure to tell them the most battle filled stories I can think of, they seem to love these the most.
The rest of the day is spent on chores which keep me busy and happy. I get very grumpy if I sit around with nothing to do for too long, so even chores are a welcome reprieve for me. As the sun begins it's decent, I put a stew on the fire and sit out on my porch. I haven't seen Xena all day, but no doubt she's been keeping herself busy.
After a while I hear voices coming down the road. One is definitely Xena's, the other is a mans that I don't recognize. I watch as they walk up the path, laughing and hitting each other as if they've known each other for years. I give them both a smile, but wait for Xena to speak.
'Gabrielle, this is Justo.' She slaps him hard on the back. He reaches out, clasping my forearm.
'Nice to meet you.' The man is young, about my age. He's seen battle and has the scars to prove it. His body is lean and muscular, his hair the color of the earth.
'I'm starting up a Militia.' Xena continues. 'Justo here is going to help me. I trained him to be the fighter he is today.' She says this with such pride, but I know that means her warlord years. 'Come on, lets eat.' She motions him into the house. As they both disappear I realize that I've neither spoke nor even moved. As I finally stand and get my legs moving, I'm greeted with two very raucous warriors, already on their second mug of port.
I take the role of waitress and serves them up heaping bowls of stew, before taking my own bowl outside back to my chair. The moon is large and bright, and I can't help but be entranced by its beauty. Xena and Justo relive their days of fighting, and go on to tell stories of new adventures and near death experiences.
Sometimes I just don't understand soldiers and warriors. You hear them tell stories of the atrocities of battle, but when they get together all those stories become things to boast about. Is it just a matter of pride, or do they just have those huge conflicting emotions?
As I go to my bed, they continue to talk way into the night. Neither of them actually noticing that I seemed to exist at all. In the morning as the sun rose, the other side of the bed was empty and had been all night. The first pangs of jealousy begin to surge through my body when I think of the reasons why Xena didn't sleep with me. Of course, she's not obligated to so I shouldn't be upset. But the thing is, I am.
Tears spring to my eyes as I try to contemplate a life without Xena. Or maybe with Xena in it, but only as a friend. I've been getting so used to the idea of her loving me that I never thought anyone else might steal her away. Do I love her? Such a stupid question. Of course I do. I can't live without her, my thoughts are consumed by her. I need her. How can I not love her?
It does no good for me to wallow here, chores to be done and whatnot. I think today I'll visit Cyrene, I haven't seen her since before we went to Potedia. Once my morning ritual is done, I make the trek to Cyrene's tavern. It's nearly vacant at this time in the morning as everyone has already left to the fields and businesses.
'Oh Gabrielle.' Cyrene greets me with a hug and a smile. 'Sit down and let me get you some food.' I learned a while ago that I can't tell her I'm not hungry, she'll bring me food anyway. But I haven't had breakfast this morning and I am rather hungry, so I eagerly dive into the plate of bacon and eggs she sets before me.
'Where's Xena?' She asks, sitting down next to me.
'I don't know. Probably with Justo.' I don't look at her, I don't want her to see the jealousy in my eyes.
'Who's Justo dear?' She leans forward a little.
'A soldier she trained and fought with.' She nods her head slowly.
'Why would she be with him?'
'She's starting a militia and he's helping.' I hope she doesn't ask any more questions, I don't know any more beyond that.
'Well, if she's not going to be around, maybe you should stay here. I don't want you out there all by yourself.' She gives me a look of genuine concern.
'I don't know.' I'm inclined to take the offer just because I hate being left alone.
'Hey, don't worry about it. I'll send one of the girls to get your things. You can stay in the room next to mine.' Her hand is on my back, rubbing it affectionately. I feel like she can read my thoughts.
'That would be great.' I smile up at her, grateful to once again feel part of a family.
'How did it go with your parents?' Her face turns solemn, and I can tell she's already guessed.
'Not good, but maybe they'll get over it. I try not to judge them.' Shaking my head I try to push the anger away.
'They do love you Gabrielle.' She kisses my forehead.
'Not the way you seem to.' I smile at her, wrapping my arms around her for a hug. A mothers hug is the most comforting thing in the world.
A few days go by with no sign of Xena whatsoever. I actually forget she's even in Amphipolis until she starts showing up at the tavern with Justo to eat in the evening. But again, I'm not acknowledged nor even asked about. Cyrene has noticed this change as well and now sends me to my room before the dinner rush begins. Well at least I have Cyrene; that is more than I could ever have hoped for.
But tonight, I wait and follow them, back to my house, to my room, to my bed. The incredible pain I feel as I watch them strip each other and fall into my bed; it's as if my heart is tearing from my chest. Numbly, I walk into the house and stand in the bedroom doorway. Watching and memorizing the scene before me. Finally, I just can't take anymore.
'Xena.' My voice is weak with emotion, and they don't hear me.
'Xena!' Both are startled this time and pull away from each other. 'You can keep the house.' This is all I can manage to say as I walk away, holding in the tears and the rage till I'm out of site. By the God's I was so stupid. I was right in the beginning; why would she want to be with me when she could be with a man like that?
I'm nearly back to the tavern when Xena comes running up to me, grasping and pulling at my arms in a desperate attempt to stop me. I offer no resistance though, there is no fight left in me.
'Gabrielle, please listen to me.' Her voice is desperate, eyes pleading. I just stare at her numbly, there's nothing for me to say. She's crying, and the only thing she has covering her is a shift. 'I'm sorry, I don't know…..' What lame excuse is she going to try and come up with?
'Gabrielle, that wasn't me. It was but…..' I continue to stare blankly at her. 'Ares didn't want me to stop fighting. He got Justo to give me this, this potion.' Her face screws up in confusion and disgust. 'Please I would never do that to you.'
'Xena!' Cyrene comes stomping up to us. 'What have you done?' She takes me in her arms, as if to protect me from her own daughter.
'It..it.. wasn't my fault.' The tears flow down her cheeks like a river, but I'm not inclined to feel anything towards her. 'It was Ares. Please believe me.' She holds her hands out, begging and pleading
'She doesn't need this right now. ' Cyrene practically growls, shocking Xena. 'I'm taking her to bed, and you better be here in the morning.' With her arms still around me, she turns, marching us back to the tavern.