Pieces 9

At first I was thinking that maybe it was a dream, well a nightmare really. Then I began to think one of the God's is playing with me. Of course this made me think of Ares and what Xena told me last night. Her story is entirely plausible, but it doesn't hurt any less. What if I can accept her excuse of why things happened, can I then forget everything?

Cyrene forced me to drink something before I went to bed so I fell asleep without much torment; then she came in this morning and forced me out of the bed and into the kitchen. I'm not sure I've spoken a word since last night, and I'm not sure I want to.

When Xena comes in, she's still in her shift; hair is a mess, eyes red and puffy. I'm pretty sure I look better than she does right now. As she sits down across from me, she can't seem to bring her eyes from the spot they are staring at on the floor. Cyrene is standing against the counter, arms across her chest monitoring the whole situation.

'Go on, from the beginning.' Her mother urges in a stern voice. Xena swallows hard.

'After we got back from Potedia, I got this idea to start a militia here. Amphipolis is always a target, and with a militia for protection we can get more tradesmen to travel here.' She shifts nervously. 'On my way to the council I ran into Justo. He was in my army and…' She clears her throat again. 'We got to talking and he said he was going to be staying for a while, and offered to help me train. We got the approval of the council and went and had a few drinks. I think that's when he drugged me.' The tears begin slipping down her cheeks. 'And well, you know the rest.'

'No I don't.' I say with as much conviction as possible. Her head jerks up, eyes questioning me. 'Tell me.' She takes a deep breath before continuing.

'I began to have these feelings, I was pulled to him. I….I…felt like I had to have him, and nothing else mattered.' Her voice cracks. 'It wasn't until last night, when you said my name that I realized something was wrong. I gave him the pinch and he told me that Ares put him up to it, though it didn't take very much persuading. ' She looks at me, pain and sorrow bleeding from her eyes. 'I'm sorry, he meant nothing to me. If it wasn't for the drug…' She drops her head to her hands, unable to control her emotions and no doubt the loss she feels.

'I believe you.' She looks up at me, surprised. 'But I can't forget.' The pain is all too real, my heart is still in a vice. 'I know that I love you with everything that I am. Seeing you with that man completely destroyed me.' She starts to say something but I stop her. 'No, let me finish. I don't think I could go on without you, but I'm finding it hard to forget. I understand it wasn't your fault, but that trust has to be rebuilt.' I don't know what else to say, so I get up and leave. I don't know when, if ever I can step foot in that house again. It went so quickly from a place of comfort to a place of torment. I hate Ares with every fiber of my being.

I work myself back into a routine at the tavern, though my growing stomach is beginning to make some chores a bit more difficult. Xena comes for every meal to eat with me. We say nothing, but I guess just being in each other's presence is enough for now. She's continuing with the militia, but I do not know what became of Justo.

I am beginning to wonder if this is not somehow all my fault. I'm the reason she settled in the first place, and I saw that she'd changed but I never thought to question it. Cyrene told me that I have too much to worry about, bringing a child into this world and all, I can't worry about Xena all the time. Besides she's the warrior princess and can usually handle herself.

Is it also my fault because she told me she loved me and I said I wasn't sure? I was sure, just scared of what could happen. So maybe I did deserve the pain, maybe it's fitting punishment for treating her as just a friend when she should be so much more.

'Gabrielle.' Xena's voice is soft, but none the less startles me. I've been sitting at the table waiting for lunch for what seems like hours. I'm sure it hasn't been, I'm just hungry. 'Would you follow me?' She holds out her hand, there's a basket in the other. I say nothing but take her arm and ease myself up.

We walk out of the tavern and a little ways to a small pond where a blanket is already laid out. She motions for me to sit, before doing the same.

'It's pretty.' The sun is reflecting off the still waters of the pond, and a cool breeze is flowing through the cattails.

'I never thought you'd talk to me again.' She says, smiling sadly.

'I'm a bard, I have to talk sometime.' We grin, but go silent again. She begins to lay out the various plates of food that, no doubt, Cyrene has prepared.

'You know, it's not your fault.' She says without looking up from her task.

'Been talking to Cyrene?' She just nods. 'Well if it wasn't for me, so much wouldn't have happened.' Xena looks up at me so sad I almost want to cry for her.

'But would we be here? Is that a mistake?' I turn back towards the water, contemplating her words.

'It's not a mistake for me.' I finally say, almost in a whisper. 'But your mom was right.'

'About what?'

'About you breaking my heart.' Her face drops, her whole body seems to sag.

'But now that we got that out of the way, I shouldn't have to worry about it anymore.' I smile, watching a light reignite in her eyes. The fire of hope burns once again inside of her.

'You won't.'

'What did Ares expect to accomplish?' I start picking at the olives and cheese, my hunger overriding the tension. She sighs.

'I'm not sure, he hasn't shown up like he usually does. But my guess is to get you to leave me, and while I'm in the throes of despair good old Ares will come along and lend a hand.' She shrugs twirling her chakram on her finger.

'He won't stop.'

'No.' She puts her weapons down next to the blanket. 'There's a part of me that hates what I've become.' I know this; I can tell by the way she tries to always fight her emotions. She clenches her jaw, the muscles rippling under the skin. 'It's uncomfortable to feel this way.' She looks up at me. 'I'm not sure that I'll always be able to tell you how I feel, but I think I can at least show you.'

'How many people have you loved?'

'A couple, but never for long and never quite like…..' She sits up straighter, taking the wine skin and drinking heavily from it. Xena looks uncomfortable and unsure. The woman who can do anything, can't talk about her feelings. Finally she stiffens, her face goes stoic for a minute.

'I don't need anything from you.' I mean this in a reassuring way, but she takes it as rejection. Her mask falls briefly before she puts on a fake act of happiness.

'You need to eat more.' She pushes some honeyed pistachios towards me.

'Xena. Why has everything become so difficult and confusing?'

'Life would be boring otherwise.' She flashes a grin but avoids eye contact. 'I…I just can't lose your friendship, and I know I've ruined anything else that might have happened, but I can't lose that.' She clears her throat and starts to toss olives in her mouth. Reaching over I rest my hand on her knee.

'One thing you will never lose is my friendship.' I smile, but she doesn't smile back. Pulling my hand away I sigh. 'I said it would be hard, not impossible.' She looks up at me confused. 'Forgetting, rebuilding, starting over. Take your pick.' Her tension eases but she tries to mask any and all emotion.

'I've started planting. Got my uncle to help me out, there's a lot I don't know.'

'What did you plant?'

'Wheat.' We go on like this for over an hour; having a completely mundane conversation but actually enjoying it. We didn't discuss the past anymore, secretly I had vowed to forget it as best as I can. I have a baby I need to think of so I need to think of tomorrow, not yesterday.

The transition is a bit uneasy at first, but soon we are acting the best of friends again. I still haven't been able to go back to the house, and I still sleep by myself. It's been hard but Xena hasn't said a word and I can't bring myself to ask her.

I'm telling stories at night, when I'm not too tired. My stomach is beginning to burgeon out so that I can't even see my feet now. I'm starting to feel so fat that I think I might explode soon. That won't be a pretty site; someone will need to get a lot of dinars to clean that mess.

One night after I finish telling my stories, Xena and I sit down as the tavern begins to empty. She takes my hands in hers, a small hesitant smile on her face.

'Do you think you could come home tonight?' A forbidden image flashes across my mind, causing me to cringe. 'I've changed everything, nothing is from before.' She quickly informs me. I'm not sure if that will actually help any, but I have to do it sometime. I give her a small nod and her face explodes into a smile. She hooks her arm through mine as we slowly make our way out of the tavern and down the road. The night is chilly, but I don't really mind; it's beautiful out. The stars are painted across the dark sky with abandon, a smattering of diamonds thrown out there by the God's.

'If you get uncomfortable, just tell me.' She whispers in my ear as we near the house. I nod, but truthfully my stomach is already twisting into knots. I push past the images that surface, willing my legs to move. But the worst part hits me when we near the bedroom. I can't stop the flood of feelings, my breathing comes in quick shallow gasps. Xena pulls me into her arms, holding me tight as I fight the onslaught.

My face remains buried in her chest for nearly half an hour before I finally begin to calm. Hopefully that was the worst of it, just an initial reaction.

'Are you ok?' She whispers, her voice tight with emotion. Again I can only manage to nod as I turn towards the room and finally walk in. She was true to her word, everything down to the washbasin has been changed. Somehow, as I stand here I feel relieved by that fact. Walking over to the bed, I lay my hand down upon its softness, more plush than the last one.

'Goose down.' She says, standing in the doorway. Anxiety still races through my blood, but it's slowly receding. Finally she moves, sitting on the bed next to me wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling me towards her. Looking down into her eyes I see nothing but love looking back at me. I run my hands through her smooth raven hair.

'Do you think you can sleep here?' She asks, chin resting on my stomach.

'Surprisingly yeah.' My initial anxiety has slowly receded and is now becoming a distant memory. I want to make new memories here, smash those old horrid ones. Funny how a few minutes can remain with you for a lifetime. I pull away from here, sitting on the bed and try to reach for my boots. She laughs a little.

'I'll do it.' Kneeling down in front of me, Xena carefully unlaces and removes each boot before helping me stand again. I unlace my dress and she helps me pull it up over my head. I'm left in my britches, finding the night too hot to sleep fully clothed lately. She helps me under the covers before undressing herself.

'You don't mind?' I ask quietly as she wraps herself against my back.

'Why would I mind?' She laughs. Her hand finds its way to my stomach, making slow lazy circles as she caresses.

'I have to be disgusting.' I admit as much to myself as to her.

'You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.' She kisses my neck.

'I don't believe you, but thanks.'

'Well then I should make you believe.' She continues to kiss and nibble at my neck. Her hand that had been on my stomach, slowly journeys up until it cups one of my breasts. Now, I'm not sure if it's because of the surge of hormones, but everything feels about a thousand times more electric. I'm not sure what to do or say; so for the moment I just enjoy the feeling.