Author's Note: Thank you to those who reviewed the last chapter - sorry I didn't have time to do replies this time. Thanks too for those following the story - nice to know there is interest in more!

Chapter 3: "I didn't lie, not this time!"

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sydney J. Harris

It took a while for the first rush of grief to subside, before anyone was calm enough to speak. When they were, initially the subject of River was avoided. They spoke of nothing important – reminding each other instead of favourite places they'd gone previously, in that other life when they'd lived as a family together.

"Venice, definitely Venice," the Doctor declared. "I mean, how can you beat sexy fish vampires, eh?"

"I came a little too close to becoming one, thank you very much," Amy retorted. "Give me the Trojan Gardens any day … even if you only took me there because you felt guilty about Rory being erased from history."

"That wasn't why I took you there," the Doctor's protest was well worn. "We went to plenty of lovely places, with Rory along as well. Isn't that right Rory?"

"We did," Rory surprised the Doctor by agreeing. "That pirate ship was really quite picturesque, and being outside the universe on a big ball of space junk? Magic." He smiled to let the Doctor know he was joking.

"You're right," the Doctor sighed. "Most of our adventures didn't go according to plan, did they?"

"Do you want to know my real favourite?" Rory asked seriously.

"Hit me," the Doctor declared, expecting another dig at his knack for getting them all in trouble.

"New York, the 2012 version as well as the one we've lived in the past fifteen years," Rory said, completely seriously.

"Really?" the Doctor glanced at Amy before regarding Rory hopefully.

"Really," Rory confirmed. Capturing Amy's hand across the table he smiled fondly. "It's my favourite because without it I wouldn't have what I've got now – a family … a wife I've waited my whole life to finally have to myself."

"Ouch," the Doctor smiled as he put a hand to his chest dramatically. "You mean being stranded in time is better than travelling with me, just because I can't steal Amy away for another adventure?"

Rory laughed. "Got it in one," he agreed. He was silent for a moment before continuing. "You didn't have to stay away so long," he said intently.

"And you didn't have to lie about never being able to see us again," Amy added.

"I didn't lie," the Doctor protested, "not this time. I truly believed that the influence of the Angels would lock you away from me forever. I'm as puzzled as you are over how I can be here now. It makes no sense."

"But River was able to visit," Amy reminded him.

"She was," the Doctor acknowledged that Rory had already mentioned that fact. "I didn't know it though. I wonder why she never mentioned it." His thoughts went to River for a moment before he shook them off, refocusing on their conversation. "The vortex manipulator is crude but effective at getting into places the TARDIS can't go – that might be how River was able to find you … but it still doesn't explain how I'm here now."

"River would know," Amy said sadly.

The Doctor nodded, his eyes misting over and they all realised the elephant in the room – the story of River's passing – was still looming over them.

"You said that she saved you. How?" Amy finally asked.

"She took my place," the Doctor replied.

Amy asked for more details and the entire story emerged. How it hadn't been this version of him, but his younger self. How he hadn't known who River was back then. How he wasn't sure even now why River had been the one to make the sacrifice when it should have been him.

"So all this time you knew what was going to happen to her?" Amy asked.

"Yes, and there was nothing I could do to change it," the Doctor said sadly. "We were always out of order, River and I. If I'd done anything to stop her from going there, all of the history between us wouldn't have happened, not like we remember it."

"And then a paradox would have been created," Rory concluded.

"Exactly," the Doctor agreed. "Back then I had no idea what River would be to me – she proved it without a shadow of doubt but I was so stubborn, so stupid back then. I thought I could change things or that something would happen that would explain it another way because it wasn't possible she could be what all the evidence said she was, no matter what proof she had."

"No way she could be your wife for real?" Amy queried.

"The Doctor doesn't do marriage, not one that counts," he said in vague terms because he couldn't bring himself to call River his wife – it hurt too much, brought all that he'd lost too close to the surface. He'd already cried enough for one day.

"You didn't save her because she was a stranger to you," Rory deduced.

"No. Yes. I don't know," the Doctor said irritably. "It's complicated." He took a deep breath and tried to gather his thoughts so he could explain it. "I gave her my screwdriver, this me I mean, not the younger version."

"Okay, that's going to get confusing all by itself," Amy complained. "Can we just call him young Doctor and you Old doctor?"

"Oi! I'm not that old!" he protested, by habit.

"Then what? Because I'm not going to follow this unless you simplify it!" Amy shot back.

"He's Ten," the Doctor said abruptly. "I'm Eleven, and no, I'm not explaining why. Just accept it."

"Okay, so Ten gave her a sonic screwdriver?"

"No, Eleven did, before she went to the Library, because he already knew what was going to happen," the Doctor corrected, the story somewhat easier to tell in the third person – removed from the 'I' and 'me' that carried so much guilt. "Look, let's do this from Ten's perspective because it's easier." Amy and Rory nodded.

"Ten didn't know who River was but she knew him, very well," the Doctor began again. "She knew things no one should know and she had his screwdriver, or at least a version of it. She spoke with so much familiarity and she understood things no one of that time should understand. She blew him away and he never really regained his footing. At the end, before she sacrificed herself, she knocked him out and handcuffed him to a pole. He had to watch while she plugged herself into the mainframe. He had to watch her die."

He swallowed hard, eyes downcast.

"Oh Doctor," Amy whispered, putting her hands over his in comfort.

"Ten didn't understand how he could feel so much grief for a stranger," the Doctor continued. "It took almost too long for him to question. Why would a future him give River his screwdriver? Finally he realised – it was to save her, in the only way he could. The echo of her consciousness was inside the screwdriver and so Ten ran to the core and he plugged in the screwdriver and transferred River into the system."

"What? So she's not dead then?" Rory asked, confused.

"Not precisely," the Doctor replied. "Her physical form is gone but everything else lives on, inside the Library systems."

"What does that mean?" Amy demanded, confused. "Did you save her or not?"

"It means that she'll go on forever, but only inside the systems, never again in the real world," the Doctor revealed. "I saved her but I can never be with her again, none of us can."

"But it's better than the alternative, isn't it?" Amy questioned.

"I don't know, you tell me!" The Doctor stood abruptly, pacing away. "Is it okay that we can never see her again, that she can never see the real us either? Is it okay that everything around her is nothing more than an illusion?"

"You're angry with yourself, aren't you?" Rory asked quietly.

"Yes, and you should be too!" the Doctor shot back. "At first she would have been grateful but I don't think it would have taken long for the true nature of her existence to emerge. I'd imagine right now that River is close to, if not already all the way to hating me more than she's ever hated anything or anyone. And it won't ever stop, not for her. Ever. It's a prison just as surely as Stormcage was, and I put her there … also just like Stormcage. I ruined your daughter's life."

"Then go back, fix it," Amy proposed.

The Doctor laughed grimly. "Don't you think I would already have done that, if I could? Eleven's future actions were already locked in – from the day Ten met River the course was already set. Eleven gave River his screwdriver – his solution to what happened was to save her inside the systems. All I could do when the time came was play along – because it had already happened! I was there, I know. What I don't understand is why I would ever think doing that to River was acceptable. Off the cuff I can think of five, no ten … no, a hundred solutions that would save all of her and preserve the time line but I can't do any of them because I already did something. Something inadequate and woeful and cruel. And I can't undo it, not without creating a paradox I won't be able to fix. For Ten it all happened so fast – he didn't have time to think about the consequences. He truly believed he was saving her and it took a long time for him to realise that he hadn't, not really. By then it was already too late."

"So, what now?" Rory asked after a few moments of silence.

"I don't know," the Doctor admitted. "I just … I don't know what to do anymore. The TARDIS brought me here because I couldn't work out where to go next."

"Then stay," Amy said simply. "Stay until you do know."

The Doctor let the feeling of rightness wash over him. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Okay," he agreed in a low tone.