Chapter 13: "I wish I knew how they were all getting on."

"Letting go doesn't mean that you don't care about someone anymore. It's just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself." Deborah Reber

Living in an imaginary world wasn't as bad as River might have expected, if someone told her years ago that's where she'd eventually end up.

Oh, who was she kidding? It was as bad, no, worse, than any kind of existence she could imagine. At first it was just that she didn't seem capable of truly immersing herself within Charlotte's constructed community – could never let go enough to forget that none of it was real - but to exist, week after week, without ever seeing him, was a constant pain that never dimmed. In fact, as time went on, how much she missed him just grew and grew.

The Doctor. Her Doctor. Her husband for too few days. Oh, the regret she had about that!

That's why it would surprise anyone who knew her if she admitted how much she hated him too, for abandoning her here. He was the cleverest man in any galaxy and the best he could do was to store her consciousness inside his screwdriver and then download her here? She'd always believed herself to be special in the Doctor's life but now she doubted it, because he hadn't really saved her at all. She was his wife, yes, but did that mean so little to him that he could leave her in a place like this, never visiting? Did he know her so little that he wouldn't understand what a torture it would be for her to live without reality, without mystery, without him?

Yes, sometimes she found the other edge of that sword of feeling she had for him, the dark edge that was all about anger and what she'd do to him to exact revenge, if he ever dared show his face here again.

Thankfully those times were still rare enough they hadn't changed her. Her biggest fear was that she'd come to the day when the balance would shift, when her hatred would outweigh her love. That would be the day when she'd want to end it all ... if only she could.

At heart, River had always been an educator and an academic, and the library contained enough material to keep her busy for some time to come. Once she'd resigned herself as much as she was ever going to that this was her life now, there was no real choice but to be practical.

Rather than sit day after day reading everything, she'd 'created' a life for herself that suited her leanings. She was still Professor Song, teaching Charlotte, other Dave and Anita about Archaeology to start with and then other subjects as she mastered them herself. She'd tried to get Miss Evangelista interested but, although smarter than anyone had given her credit for in the real world, the young woman just wasn't interested in books. Of course, the absurdity of that wasn't lost on anyone, given their current and as good as eternal location. Still, Eve found plenty to do, flitting from one pretend story-life to another, mish mashing a handful of favourite stories in her own unique way. They settled into life as a family of sorts, the five of them.

Time was so fluid that getting any sense of how much of it had gone by was difficult. It could have been years but equally much less than that. River didn't know and it was the not knowing that got to her … all the things she didn't know because they'd happened since she'd come here, things the Library didn't have a record of. She didn't know what was happening with her parents or her young brother. Worse, she didn't know how the Doctor was doing out there, alone probably because he was just that stubborn. She hated not knowing if he was okay. It ate at her, festered, distracted her from truly living as she was.

"Professor."

River turned to see Anita standing behind her. She'd been in her classroom before the next session and had clearly drifted off into her own thoughts. "Sorry Anita, did you need me for something?"

"I was wondering whether it was you who needed something," Anita replied. "You've been distracted lately, like you used to be when we first came here."

"I have been distracted," River agreed. "I'm sorry."

"I wasn't looking for an apology," the plain speaking woman said. "It's just here – we need to keep watch over each other, so if there's anything I can do to help …," she trailed off, giving River a hopeful expression.

"If only it were that easy," River said wistfully. "Does it bother you, not knowing what's going on in the real world?"

"Not really, but then I didn't really leave much behind to wonder about," Anita replied. "Other Dave and I were friends back then and we still are now. I was never close to my family. Now that I come to think of it, none of us have strong ties to our previous lives."

"Except for me," River shared. The others knew that she had a husband and she'd tried to explain how they could have met a version of him that wasn't the man she'd married and then given up because it was too convoluted even for her. Since those early days she'd never mentioned everything she'd left behind.

"You mean the Doctor?" Anita queried.

"The Doctor, yes," River smiled. "He's been a big part of my life since before I was born but he's not the only one. I have parents and an adopted brother as well. Grandparents too, although they don't really know me as their grandchild."

"That's a lot to leave behind," Anita agreed, "but if you had died, for real I mean, with none of this," she gestured around them," then you'd still have left them to mourn you. It's no different, is it?"

"That depends on what you believe happens after we die," River allowed. "I'd like to think that you get the chance to watch over those you loved in life, which makes it very different to here. We go on Anita, but we don't change, we don't progress, while in the real world outside, time moves on. The more things stay the same here the more I find myself tormented by what I don't know of that real world."

"You're worried about the Doctor and your family," Anita concluded, understanding.

"Yes, I am," River agreed. "I wish I knew how they were all getting on."

"Maybe there's a way," Anita suggested. "Shall we ask CAL?"

"A way to find out what's happening outside the Library," River commented, falling into step with Anita because there was no harm in doing otherwise. That fluidity of time thing was an advantage because she and Anita could take as long as they wanted on this side quest and still return to the classroom just as the other students arrived.

"CAL," Anita stopped in the centre of the large green they'd all first materialised in and called up to the sky. They'd agreed early on that there might be times they wanted to communicate with the full version of Charlotte Lux, the one fully aware that she was embedded into a computer system and the real world it was contained in. Charlotte had agreed and they'd come up with the idea of using the large green lawned area for that purpose, as well as to referring to Charlotte as CAL so they'd all make the distinction between the system and the little girl personified inside of it.

"Anita, River," CAL appeared before them immediately. The smile on her face was pure Charlotte but there was a mature air about her the little girl didn't have. She was also dressed differently, choosing to appear as close to how she looked as the interface as possible, her face the only thing showing inside a white robe that covered her from head to foot. There was a kind of glow about her too, as though a second sun shone just on her. "How may I help you today?"

"River would like to know if there's a way for you to get an update on events going on outside our world here," Anita spoke for River.

"It's not that important," River tried to protest but the two others ignored her.

"She misses her husband," Anita shared, "and she's worried about him too."

"She is standing right here," River reminded them pointedly.

"The Doctor is one for getting himself into frequent trouble," CAL agreed. "Since his first visit here I took the liberty of reviewing and analysing all mentions of him within the vast materials stored in the Library catalogue. If there is even the smallest chance for the unexpected to occur, with him around it is more than likely to do so."

"Trouble does have a way of finding him," River agreed, deciding she might as well enjoy the chance to talk about her husband since neither CAL nor Anita were going to be convinced by her insistence that her concerns weren't important. They all knew she was lying in any case – it was as important as anything got. "I never asked before but can you tell me how long it's been since we came here?"

"Accessing external chronometer," CAL said, her face going blank of expression for a moment before she blinked. "Two years, five months, three weeks, four days."

"So long," River murmured, saddened. The Doctor hadn't visited her, not in all that time. It meant he never would now, because even if he turned up tomorrow and she discovered that he'd just mistimed his arrival it wouldn't matter. She knew he hadn't visited and therefore he couldn't. That's why she'd never asked about time outside their make believe world, because it hurt too much to find out you'd been left behind, forgotten.

"I can search for the nearest satellite and attempt to link myself to it," CAL offered.

"What's the point?" River countered sadly. "They've all moved on and so should I."

"Maybe you'll be able to do that more if you can assure yourself that they don't need you anymore," Anita suggested. It was meant with the kindest heart but still it hurt even more. River Song wasn't needed anymore.

"Searching now," CAL announced before River could protest. She closed her eyes, her expression peaceful and intent. It made the shock of her eyes snapping open and full of fear all the more confronting. "There is an alien ship in orbit above the planet. They are attempting to override the planetary lock."

"I thought your Doctor made sure that couldn't happen," Anita accused, worried.

"He did, but nothing is fool proof," River returned. "Things aren't static out there, not like in here, which means there are always upgrades and improvements; better locks and ever increasingly ingenious ways to break through them. I should know, I've broken into a few impenetrable systems in my time."

"What can we do from here?" Anita asked.

"Nothing," River said bluntly. "CAL, can you tell us what's happening now?"

"They hammer at my gate," CAL moaned, her expression twisted into pain. "Make it stop. Make it stop!"

"CAL," River moved closer, putting a reassuring hand on the girl's shoulder. "I know it hurts but you need to put that aside as much as you can. We need help and you're the only one who can bring it to us."

"I can't. It's too much," CAL cried out, bending low and clutching her head. "They consume my capacity to resist."

"What does she mean they consume her?" Anita watched CAL, concerned.

"It means whatever they're doing is taking up most of CALs primary memory," River explained, putting her arm around CAL as she conjured up from her imagination a park bench for them to sit on. Easing the young girl down, she sat beside her. "The space she needs to do every day things."

"Like maintain this world?" Anita gasped.

"No," River glanced around and decided everything looked as solid as usual. "I suspect she was clever enough to segment this space away from the primary library systems and partition some of her memory just to maintain it. We should be safe here, for the time being."

"She's in pain," Anita ran a fond hand over CAL's hair. "We need to do something."

"CAL," River tried again. "Their ship is in orbit … they have communications systems up there. Use them. Call for help."

"Make it stop," CAL whispered, repeating the words over and over as she continued to rock backwards and forwards, River's arm still around her.

"CAL!" River said more forcefully. "Use their ship. Call for help!"

CAL tensed, her breathing increasing in rate as she looked up and met River's eyes. "I'm …. trying."

River and Anita waited anxiously, watching the girl's internal battle against their unknown foe.

"I did it," CAL said at last. "I sent a distress call."

"Good girl," River hugged her close.

"It doesn't matter," CAL said flatly.

That internal light she seemed to have brightened abruptly and then disappeared, leaving instead of CAL her imaginary form, Charlotte Lux. The little girl burst into tears and threw herself into River's arms, sobbing.

"It's too late. They're inside. They're coming to my Library!"

Author's Note:

Sorry, I neglected to thank the people who reviewed the last couple of chapters! Thank you - much appreciated! It always inspires me to hear from readers and know that people are interested in where the story is going. We're about half way through now so plenty more to go! Cheers