Chapter 20: "Volcano day would be the time and place!"
"O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief – Some respite from the roast, however brief." - Joel Spate Woop
The Leader escorted them to quarters they could use until the ship arrived at Trenzalore. River was quiet inside the alien armour suit and the Doctor didn't like the fact that he had no means of judging her mood.
"You may rest here," the Leader announced. The room had a bed so presumably he meant the Doctor could sleep if he needed, a virtual impossibility given their current situation.
The alien turned to River next. "The suit has its own power source which we equipped only to minimum levels before installing your Third Power within. It must be fully charged before we reach Trenzalore – when you are ready to do so, stand here," he indicated large boot shaped indentations in the floor in front of a control panel. There had been similar booths in the control room and their purpose was suddenly clear. "You will be able to communicate with the Doctor within a construct we have designed for that purpose – one that allows more control to the inhabitants than we allowed for your first meeting with the Doctor aboard ship. Doctor, you will need to wear the visor to enable communication."
"So I can talk to River and see her like before?" the Doctor confirmed, perking up at the idea. "Without your lot listening in?" he added, curious as to how far their generosity would go.
"That is correct," the Leader confirmed.
"You know, for captors you're being very accommodating," the Doctor commented.
"We are not your captors Doctor," the Leader corrected. "We are you allies. I will contact you when we begin our approach to Trenzalore. Until then you are free to conduct yourselves in whatever manner you see fit, as long as you remain within this room." With that he turned and marched away.
The Doctor waited until the door closed and then turned to River. It was difficult to believe that the metal figure, much taller than he was, contained his wife - was for all intents and purposes River, for the time being. "Plug in," he urged.
"So that you can try to convince me that its right to go along with the Kelad plan?" River queried. "For some reason I'm not feeling very cooperative!"
"Please," the Doctor begged. "Don't waste the time we've been given River. Think about it."
River was still for a moment before giving a metallic nod of agreement. She moved to the charging station, turning to face the middle of the room as she aligned her boots in the right position. There was a clicking sound followed by a whooshing as a connection from within the wall emerged and plugged into the back of the armour suit. The suit appeared frozen and still as lights pulsed on the panel.
"River?" the Doctor waited for a response but she was no longer there. Grabbing the visor the Doctor put it on, waiting impatiently for it to activate. When it did, he was blinded for a moment by bright lights before the picture settled, putting him inside quarters much like those he was sitting in already. It was a bit disconcerting when he'd expected something much different, although why it would be he didn't really know.
River was sitting on the bed, her back to him.
"River," he said again, moving slowly forward. When he got closer he put a hand on her shoulder, wincing when she tensed. "Talk to me," he urged.
"What can there possibly be to say?" River demanded, glaring at him. "We're trapped here with the Kelad who appear to be much more advanced and prepared for anything we could think of to throw at them," River took a deep steadying breath and then continued. "Madam Kovarian and the Silence are still after us too and they'll assume our destination correctly. She already altered history to get rid of you once. There's no way she'll give up so easily now, especially once she works out you're not a past version like she's been assuming."
"Is it wrong that I'm really looking forward to her finding out?" the Doctor murmured, earning a small smile from River before she continued.
"It's not a joke," she admonished. "On the one side the Kelad are determined that you should go to Trenzalore even though it means you'll change so much you won't be you anymore. On the other we still have the Silence wanting to kill the both of us to stop you from answering the question because they've been fooled into believing it will be bad for everyone if you do."
"We are firmly planted in the middle," the Doctor agreed.
"Then how can you be so casual about all of this?" River asked, exasperated. "Are you so jaded now that nothing affects you?"
"I'm not jaded," the Doctor denied, "but there's more riding on this than any one individual, even if that individual is me. The unexpected happens all the time River … if it didn't we wouldn't be here together now. I have to believe that the same will be true for whatever takes place at Trenzalore."
"You're resigned to your fate," River acknowledged, "but that's not like you. Lake Silenco looked just as impossible – worse because it was a fixed point in time and I proved we couldn't change one of those without extreme consequences. And yet you didn't give up then, not until you came up with a way to beat your fate. Why not again?"
"I know, but things are different now," the Doctor said. "Besides, I've had plenty of time to think on that day and I'm not convinced anymore that I did alter a fixed point. There were events for you that I didn't get to before Utah, and while time can be rewritten there was one event that couldn't, not without a paradox forming. All evidence confirmed it happened – I wouldn't have trusted you at the Library without you revealing that you knew my name."
"Our marriage," River sighed. "You do know how to take all the hope out of a situation, don't you?"
"Not all hope," the Doctor protested. "Just false hope, which if you think about it is a good thing. There's no room for false hope when we're counting on something real taking place."
"I still don't want you to go there," River admitted.
"Trenzalore has been hanging over me my whole life River," the Doctor pointed out once again, "and the older I've gotten, the more important it's become to the point that its now affecting every day events. Madam Kovarian took you and turned you into a weapon because of that prophesy. You're only here now because of it."
"I'm glad I'm here," River insisted.
"I know you are, but a man can only avoid his true fate for so long."
"Even if it means you're gone?" River looked down at her hands, clenched in her lap.
The Doctor put his hands over hers – it felt real enough to be cruel because he knew it wasn't. Well, not as real as he wished it could be. Maybe that was the cruelty in the situation – to give him so much when he knew it would soon be taken away again.
"How is regeneration any different?" he quizzed. "You've been through it, you know."
"I don't think it will be the same," River countered. "You're not talking about renewing yourself. If it turns out you really are The Other reborn then it's a replacement. I remember all my regenerations, I remember what it was like to be Mels. I don't think you'll be able to do that."
"I've been this version of myself far longer than any of my other regenerations," he said. "Hundreds of years now, more than is probably healthy. I'm too attached to my bow tie and tweed. Perhaps a change will do me good."
"Don't do that!" River shouted, surging to her feet. "Don't make light of your own death!"
"What would you have me do? Cry? Rage against my fate?" The Doctor got up too, taking her hands in his and pulling her towards him until he would wrap his arms around her. "Look at you River … I've taken everything away from you, including the chance to move on from this form of existence, and yet you still argue for me. I don't deserve you."
River let out a sob before wrapping her arms around him in return. She clung to him and he let her cry for as long as she needed. There were probably in excess of two years of grief and anger and loneliness to expunge and he held on without comment until she finally calmed, pulling away and wiping her face self-consciously.
"That was silly," she commented, not looking at him.
"Course it wasn't," he countered. "If you're done I was considering having a go myself. Nothing like a good cry to make you feel better."
"You don't cry," River reminded him, smiling. She gave him a 'sexy River' look then. "Just think what we could have gotten up to if I hadn't wasted so much time on tears."
"River!" he reared back, shocked. "We're prisoners aboard an alien vessel – hardly the time to be thinking about … that."
"I've only met one of your other incarnations," River said, "and he didn't seem as prudish as you. Were all your other regenerations like you?"
"I'm not a prude," the Doctor protested. "There's just a time and place for that kind of thing, and in the middle of a crisis isn't it."
"I haven't seen you for two years and we haven't been together since our honeymoon," River reminded him. "Volcano day would be the time and place! Besides, it sounded like we had plenty of time still. I don't know why but I believe what the Leader said about this room being private … it's just you and me my love. I'm game if you are."
She probably expected him to say no, but in a sudden rush of clarity it occurred to him that this could very well be the last time he had the opportunity to share the physical side of his love for her with River. While he was sure he'd love her no matter how many future regenerations he went through he wasn't sure what would happen if the Kelad had the right of it and his genetic history rose up and took over. He hadn't wanted to admit it to River but he was worried that in a few short hours everything that he was through all eleven of his past lives would just disappear. He couldn't expect the person he'd simply borrowed DNA from to continue to love River if he was gone.
In this virtual place they seemed on equal footing – he could feel River and see her and touch her and it didn't matter that she was pure consciousness while he had a body waiting back in the real world.
Rather than speak he let his actions attest to his capitulation, leaning down to kiss her. Maybe it wasn't the full connection they used to share but it was a very close second, and much more than he'd thought he'd ever have again. If ever there were two people who needed a respite, it was he and River.
She threw herself into it, the two of them forgetting where and what they were. The bed was too narrow, the mattress too firm, but neither of them noticed enough to affect their surroundings. The Doctor loved River like it was the last time and she was with him all the way.
He held her close after, the narrow bed an advantage for keeping her close to his side. "You asked me why I'm not trying to trick my way out of this," he murmured, stroking her hair. "I didn't answer because I don't think you'll like what I have to say, and yet I owe you that and so much more."
"You don't owe me anything," River whispered.
"I do," the Doctor insisted, "and after losing you I promised myself that if I ever got the chance I'd tell you. When I went to Utah in the Teselecta I had a reason to want to come back. I had you River, and whatever days we'd have together before the Library stole you away. Now that you're gone, I don't have that motivation anymore. It's lonely in the TARDIS without you and I haven't found anyone to travel with."
"Because you've been too stubborn to look."
"Perhaps, or perhaps, if you believe in the idea of meant to be, I'm not supposed to find a new companion, not this time," the Doctor pressed his face to her hair, breathing in and imagining her scent. "Perhaps all of this, including the two of us being here like this, is how things are supposed to be. I don't know. What I do know is that I've had sufficient time to travel around without you and I discovered that I don't like it. Call me a maudlin, sentimental old fool, but the truth is I don't want to go on without you. Regeneration won't remove my emotions but it might be enough to allow me some semblance of a normal life."
"Oh Doctor," River exclaimed.
"You've ruined me for anyone else," the Doctor tried to joke, embarrassed and uncomfortable at how soppy he was being. "What do you have to say for yourself woman?"
"I shouldn't love that you feel that way but a big part of me does," River admitted. "I was angry that you left, that it didn't seem you'd tried very hard to keep me around, but I was scared too. The more I tried to keep going inside the Library systems, the more I was sure you'd forgotten me. It felt like it was so easy for you to move on while I struggled to forget that everything around me wasn't real. I couldn't immerse myself there because the fact that you weren't there with me always hovered on the edge of my perception. It hurt to think you didn't feel the same anymore."
"You, my dear, are unforgettable," the Doctor declared effusively with a smirk.
"You charmer!" River laughed, delighted. She rolled to loom over him, pressing small teasing kisses all over his face. "How much time do you think we have?" she asked, her intentions clear.
"Who cares," the Doctor muttered in reply, ready to go where she led.
They both heard the announcement from the Leader, beamed inside their virtual world some hours later. They were on approach to Trenzalore.
The interlude had refreshed them both even though neither had slept for long.
"Are you ready?" the Doctor asked, his arms still around his wife.
"No, but its time," River replied.
"While I have you here in front of me," the Doctor put his hands to her cheeks and held her face tenderly, "I have to say something. I don't regret it River, any of it, even if I end up disappearing completely. It was worth it for the chance to claim you as my wife."
"I don't regret anything either, for the same reasons," she vowed in return.
"Right, so let's go and finish this," he proposed. It was a wrench to let her go, to make his true hands remove the visor, but it had to be done.
The lights pulsing in the recharge unit stopped and a moment later the Kelad armour suit shifted as River took back control, stepping away from the wall.
"Okay?" the Doctor asked.
"I'll never get used to this," River replied, "but at least I'll be able to help you in this form."
"Help me? In that suit you'll kick some serious arse, River Song," the Doctor grinned. "It's you, me, my past self whoever he may be, and a suit of seriously advanced armour against the world."
"An army indeed," River agreed, amused.
Author's Note:
Thanks to those who've reviewed and alerted the story so far. There are another five chapters to go that I'll try to edit over the next few days. Thanks for reading :)