Chapter 21: "What sort of question is that?"
"I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive." - Joseph Campbell
"We have arrived," the Leader announced when the Doctor and armoured River were escorted back to the command area.
"Any signs of other ships?" the Doctor asked.
"No," the Leader replied, "but it would be foolish to act with over confidence. We will travel to the surface with a full unit for back up."
"Which is how many?" River asked.
"Thirty Kelad soldiers, all fully equipped with multiple weaponry," the Leader explained.
"Thirty," the Doctor shook his head to River. They couldn't overpower so many, even with her decked out in one of the suits. It looked like there would be no out for him, not this time.
"Trust, Time Lord," the Leader urged in response to his unspoken thoughts.
The Doctor nodded, regretting that his trepidation had been obvious enough for the alien to pick up on it.
"Follow me," the Leader commanded, leading the way from the command centre. They walked through the Kelad vessel, lifts and doors emerging from the metal structure as needed before disappearing again.
"Are they there all the time or are you able to create them anywhere you want?" the Doctor was too curious not to ask.
"Either is true, depending on our needs," the Leader replied. "Nothing is as solid as its surface would suggest."
After a few minutes they arrived at a large hangar containing smaller versions of the ship. The Leader saw them to the nearest one, gesturing for them to sit as the thirty strong guard took up position at the rear.
The ride to the surface was smooth and over far too quickly. Before he felt ready the Doctor and River were stepping foot on Trenzalore for the first time.
It was perhaps foolish fancy on his part but the Doctor couldn't help but feel that everything paused - breath, life, the very rotation of the planet itself - just for a moment, at his arrival. Resisting the urge to stretch his arms out to either side and demand in a loud voice 'I'm here - what are you waiting for?', he looked around curiously. The Kelad ship had touched down in a clearing surrounded by trees. Through the gaps he caught sight of a mountain range far in the distance and what looked like an expanse of grassland leading up to it.
"The fields are directly before us," the Leader shared.
"How will you know when it's time?" the Doctor asked curiously.
"On close inspection it will appear as though the sky has changed colour, from blue to purple, before returning to normal," the Leader revealed. "The magnetic properties of worlds with a metallic core such as this one will switch direction as well … this is something the Kelad are able to detect."
"Good for you, but for the rest of us, a compass would be handy," the Doctor murmured to River under his breath. It was his usual attempt at irreverence but it fell flat because his heart wasn't it in and neither was River's.
"We must proceed," the Leader insisted.
Nodding, the Doctor followed, thirty soldiers ranging out amongst the trees around him. He'd like to think it was so that they could protect him but it was more likely a preventative measure against him running away.
"The vortex will inspire some even as it spawns flight in others," the words of the Elder who'd attended his eight year old self's journey to the untempered schism flashed through the Doctor's mind. There was much about that day that echoed for him now, most especially the way he'd whispered to himself repeatedly not to run. That day had felt like fate to him – he'd welcomed it, sure that it was right for his path to shift, for him to begin on the journey to his future. If he'd known then that a suicide walk across an alien planet was where he was heading, he wasn't sure he'd have felt quite so positive about the whole thing.
"Maybe you had it right back then old man," he thought. "Maybe running would have been the smart thing to do."
They'd arrived at day break and as they emerged from the forest the sun broke free over the mountain range, golden light casting a surreal glow over the grassland. The night had been cold and dew weighted down the blades of grass and caught the sunbeams, little pinpoints across the entire field that sparkled so bright it hurt the eyes to look at them.
Their party stopped as one, everyone caught up in the moment.
"It's beautiful," River said.
"Yes, it is," the Doctor agreed. "Hard to believe a place like this could be at the heart of so much trouble."
"The fields of Trenzalore," the Leader intoned, awe making it through the modulator. "Come, let us walk."
The Doctor nodded, his eyes tracking over the various features of their location as their journey took them into the grassland. The grass was deep and so dark a green it was almost emerald. The Doctor held out his hands as he walked, his fingers brushing the blades that were so soft and fluffy the thought of just lying down and taking a nap was very alluring. Now that he could see them better he realised that the mountains in the distance were capped with snow. They weren't completely surrounded by grass land either, the trees having hidden a nearby sea that sparkled blue in the presence of summer animals in the ocean.
"The seasons are out of sync?" the Doctor queried in reference to the mixed clues that could belong to any one of summer, autumn, winter or spring.
"There is no need for seasons here when all can exist simultaneously," the leader replied.
"So it's winter and summer at the same time? That doesn't sound very appealing," the Doctor decided. "I mean, how would you make a snow man or have a snow ball fight if it's winter one day and hot the next? Everything would melt before you got to have any fun!"
"Perhaps we're not all children at heart like you my love," River murmured, only the volume of her modulated voice indicating that she was amused.
There was something about the place that had a calming effect on everyone. Even the Doctor found himself relaxing as they continued to walk. He was smiling now as he continued to brush his fingers over the grass. It really was the most delightful sensation.
"Do you feel it?" he asked River somewhat dreamily.
"Feel what?" River queried.
"The overwhelming urge to just lie down and sleep. That and the peace," the Doctor raised his face skyward, enjoying the feel of the sunlight on his skin. "It's so peaceful here."
"Are you feeling all right?" River sounded concerned as she shifted closer to his position in the group.
"Never better, and when I say never, I mean really never," the Doctor chuckled. "I don't think I've ever felt as good as I do right now. It's remarkable."
"Leader," River stopped, her lack of movement quickly bringing everyone else to a halt. The Doctor was aware enough to stop too. "Is this normal?" she demanded, gesturing to the Doctor who was still grinning, his eyes closed and his face again raised to the sky.
"The cycle is at the highest point of expansion," the Leader replied. "For millennia it has swept across creation, bringing with it renewal and growth as it became ever stronger. Now, at the point of its ending, all that is good about new life and new purpose exists here, in these fields. The Doctor is the only unprotected life form so he will feel it more than any of us."
"Well, that's a worry," River snapped. "One, because it's going to be hard to get him to focus when he's like this and two, he's heading for quite the harsh landing when it switches to the next cycle!"
"He will feel the lack of what is here now," the Leader agreed, "but it will not be followed by a low of similar strength. What is the end is also the beginning and it will take just as many years for the consolidation phase to grow to full strength."
"Okay, well that's something I suppose," River allowed. "Is there any way we can filter the effect now, just enough to tone down the distractions for the Doctor and minimise the withdrawal when it stops?"
"Your suit has protective shield capability. You can engage it and extent it's radius to encompass the Doctor. As long as he remains sufficiently close, the shield will protect him as well and should reduce the effects of this cycle's end."
River was silent for a moment and then a visible barrier shimmered into place around her before it disappeared. Putting her armoured hand on the Doctor's shoulder, the barrier became visible for a moment as she pushed it out around them both.
The effect was immediate. The silly smile dropped from the Doctor's face and his eyes sharpened in focus. "River?" he looked up, surprised to see her hovering so close.
"Well, hello," she greeted him teasingly. "Did you have a good trip?"
"What happened?" he frowned, running the past few minutes back in his head. "I was drugged by a planet!" he exclaimed incredulously, unaccountably delighted at the prospect. "That's a new one."
"In a manner of speaking I suppose you were," River agreed. "It's the effects of the cycle being so near to ending. You'll have to stay close to me – the suit's shield is filtering the effects for you."
"The lengths you'll go to just to keep me from straying," the Doctor teased.
"Yes, shocking," River quipped back blandly.
The Doctor smiled before turning his attention to the Leader. "Any idea how much longer we'll have to wait?"
"We can only sense that the shift is close," the Leader replied. "We must get further into the fields."
Sighing, the Doctor fell into step, this time walking much closer to River's armoured form. "How are you getting on in there?" he asked.
"It's still extremely odd," River replied. "It is a nice change being able to move about in the real world but it's very frustrating not really being able to interact with it, not easily. Have you seen these hands?" She held up her large, metal gauntleted limbs.
"They are hard to miss dear."
"I could crush you like a bug and not even realise it. There's a level of careful around everything that almost makes me long to be back in Charlotte's world."
"More freedom?" the Doctor quizzed.
"Of a sort, although of course that comes with its own special restrictions too," River sighed audibly. "There's no perfect solution, is there?"
"None that I can see at this point," the Doctor admitted. He was silent for a while, still unable to resist touching the grass tops as they walked through it. The Kelad had ranged out sufficiently that walking close to River afforded them a measure of privacy. "Which would you choose?" he finally asked.
"You mean which prison is the lesser of two evils?" River countered.
"I suppose that is what I mean, yes," the Doctor admitted. "Would it really have been better for me to let the Library be the end of it for you?"
"Last week, before you showed up inside Charlotte's world I would have said yes, definitely," River answered thoughtfully. "Since then, seeing you and being here with some chance of influencing what happens, I feel almost grateful I'm here still. It drove me mad wondering what was happening out in the real world for you – if you come out of this still in one piece I think I can die with a clear conscience. I didn't have that, not before, not when it was your younger self who shared my last moments."
"River, don't," the Doctor protested. "Enough with the endings and dying and all that rubbish talk."
"You don't like knowing how things end but you, more than anyone, know that they do," River said gently. "Just because you refuse to witness it doesn't make it any less true. I mean, do you really think because you rip the last page from every book you read that those stories don't end?"
"Course not, I'm not stupid," the Doctor insisted.
"If you didn't want to hear the answer then you shouldn't have asked the question, my love," River counselled. "You already knew what I'd say."
"Not in as many words," the Doctor sounded just a little resentful.
"Then I have a question for you," River continued. "What is life?"
"What is life?" the Doctor repeated incredulously. "What sort of question is that?"
"A pertinent one, given our current situation," River replied simply. "Am I alive?"
"Can pure consciousness alone be considered life?" the Doctor restated her question and then answered it without pause. "Rassilon and the council of Time Lord's believed so. Admittedly it was when they were at their most desperate; when Rassilon convinced them it was the only way to end the Time War once and for all. At the heart of it though was the belief that they would achieve a more desirable form of life."
"What do you think?" River persisted.
The Doctor swallowed, frowning, his steps slowing, his mind engaged with what honesty demanded he say."You're alive to me River, and it doesn't matter that you don't have a physical form," he answered in a low tone. "I grieved for you … was still grieving when I saw you again in New York. Being with you there helped a bit but then you were gone again and it was worse. It only got better when I appeared inside Charlotte's world and there you were. As far as my hearts are concerned, right now, you must be alive … because I'm not grieving anymore."
It was a long and more emotional speech than the Doctor usually gave. He didn't want to hear what River might say in return and so he quickened his pace again, opening up a gap between them until he started to feel that giddiness return. He slowed then, walking but keeping the maximum distance he could keep and still be within River's shields.
"Your wife asks difficult questions," the Leader commented.
"Oh, you heard that," the Doctor felt unaccountably embarrassed. He didn't mind having emotions – pretty strong ones some of the time. He couldn't really avoid them but he preferred to keep his feelings private. Even sharing them with River was difficult much of the time. No matter how hard he tried he always ended up saying things not in the way he intended or having his actions not appear in the light he'd wanted. Like that first time in New York when he'd used his regeneration energy to heal River's wrist. He'd thought it would illustrate more than anything could how in tune they were and how much he cared for her. Instead she'd slapped him and told him off for squandering the life energy she'd given him. "She's not an easy woman," he said vaguely, confident that if the Leader had hear what he'd said previously then so would River now.
"These questions are at the heart of existence," the Leader offered. "The Kelad are amongst the oldest races in the universe and yet we still struggle for answers."
"Ah, a clue!" the Doctor noted, "although not a terribly enlightening one. You've been around longer than anyone and yet I haven't heard of you. How is that possible?"
"Were you never tempted to revise your name with each successive regeneration?"
The Doctor's brow rose. "I considered it a time or two but ruled it out. Wrap up a box of chocolate in fifty different kinds of paper and underneath you still have a box of chocolates. I'm the Doctor, regardless of the face I'm sporting. My personality never changed enough to warrant a change of identity."
"There was not sufficient reason for you to change," the Leader summarised.
"Oh, I see," the Doctor nodded. "For the Kelad there was, sometime in the past. I suppose you're not going to tell me what you used to call yourselves."
"All will be revealed in the fullness of time."
It was the expected, vague response, and it only served to maintain the suspicions the Doctor already had. He nodded, content to fall back to silence.
They walked for another half an hour or so before the Leader called a halt. Personally the Doctor thought this part of the fields of Trenzalore looked the same as the other miles of it they'd already walked through but the Kelad leader clearly saw something special about this spot that he didn't.
"Now we wait," the Leader said simply.
The sun was warm and the Doctor was feeling toasty enough that the thought of just curling up and going to sleep held real appeal. Deciding he'd gotten too close to the edge of River's protective shield he shifted a bit closer.
Abruptly a fleet of low flying aircraft appeared in the sky directly above them. Ropes lowered and men in camouflage gear rappelled down, landing lightly on the ground and quickly moving into position. More ships swept in lower than the first, dark forms dropping to the ground from above. They rose to their full height, taller even than the Kelad, their hands already raised, poised to shoot forth blue death.
It all happened quickly – in moments the Doctor, River and the Kelad found themselves surrounded by at least fifty cleric soldiers and a like number of Silence.
A smaller ship appeared, lowering slowly until it was hovering close to the ground. A figure immerged, hands lowering to straighten the skirt being worn, and then stepped forward.
"We meet again, Doc-tor," Madam Kovarian intoned with a sneering smirk.