Pit Life
Chapter 2: Thy Lord Medic
Medical Report
Date: October 17, 1990
Submitted by: Lifeline
Patient: Sgt. Scarlett
Injuries: Ballistic trauma to abdomen. Fragmentation from bullet has resulted in internal damage to intestinal area. Patient is now stabilized, but is still in critical condition.
Additional comments: Patient is on confined bed rest for one month.
Incident Report
Date: October 20, 1990
Submitted by: Sgt. Lifeline
Sgt. Scarlett was confined to bed rest due to injuries, as reported three days ago. However, the good Sergeant decided that it was in her best interest to gloriously liberate herself from the infirmary and create a Jackson Pollock painting as she bled down the hallway, while running away. It was in her best interests that a tranquilizer was used. Sergeant Scarlett is now cooperating with her treatment.
Incident Report
(Returned to Lifeline with the following message written in ink.)
Please revise this report without the sarcasm, sergeant.
Signed,
Flint
Incident Report
Date: October 20, 1990
Submitted by: Sgt. Lifeline
Sgt. Scarlett was forcibly tranquilized today due to an unauthorized departure from the infirmary.
To: EVS
RE: Biohazard Clean-up
Date: October 20, 1990
Submitted by: Lifeline
Sgt. Scarlett's blood is all over the hallway outside of the infirmary. Please send someone to clean it up.
Medical Progress Report
Date: October 20, 1990
Submitted by: Lifeline
Patient: Sgt. Scarlett
Injuries: Unauthorized departure from infirmary reopened two sutures and resulted in minor internal bleeding.
Additional comments: Patient is on confined bed rest for one month. Bed restraints are to be used on the patient until further notice.
(Poster created and hung on infirmary door by Lifeline.)
Lifeline's Ten Commandments
1. Thou shalt not take the name of thy medic in vain.
2. Thou shalt not covet thy medic's tomato plant.
3. Thou shalt not covet a spare infirmary bed because thou had a disagreement with thy roommate.
4. Thou shalt not engage in violent actions against a fellow patient, for the wrath of thy Lord Medic will fall upon thee.
5. Thou shalt not commit falsehood when explaining the reasons for thy injuries.
6. Thou shalt not utter the words "I dare you…" to a ninja, Scarlett, or Beach Head. Thy Lords of Medicine don't want to deal with any unnecessary patients.
7. When thy medic tells you to do "(insert orders here)," thou shalt listen to thy medic.
8. If thou conceives of and orchestrates an early "discharge" from the infirmary, otherwise known colloquially as "escape," then Sir Tranquilizer will find thee.
9. If thou disobeys or dishonors thy Lord Medic, suitable punishments are waiting for thee. There are always plenty of bed pans to be washed.
10. Thou shalt not be a disruptive presence in the infirmary. Acting like a heathen will bring appropriate penance.
In General Hawk's name we Pray, Yo Joe.
Conversation recorded by Pit's internal surveillance systems
(Author's Note: Lifeline and Psyche Out's ritual afternoon coffee break)
Psyche Out: I think someone is having a power complex….
Lifeline: Just drink your coffee.
Psyche Out: Someone's cranky…
Lifeline:…
Psyche Out: But seriously, why did you have to write it like that? I can understand why you posted it, but still…
Lifeline: You paid attention to it, didn't you?
Psyche Out: …Point.
(Note for Lifeline from Snake Eyes)
(Taped on Lifeline's office door)
I request an audience with Thy Lord Medic regarding the restraints on Scarlett. Request that restraints be removed.
Snake Eyes
(Reply note)
(Taped to dojo door)
Request denied. And if I find that the restraints have been removed, I will pull a certain someone's vaccine records.
Lifeline
Medical Report
Date: October 20, 1990
Chief Medical personnel on duty: Lifeline
Patient: Sgt. Snake Eyes
Injuries: None
Additional comments: Patient was in need of the annual Influenza vaccination as well as a Yellow Fever vaccination.
TO: Sgt. Lifeline, Sgt. Snake Eyes
FROM: Warrant Officer Flint
DATE: October 20, 1990
SUBJECT: FAILURE TO USE AUTHORIZED FORMS
Sticky notes on doors may not be used to request or deny requests. KP will be given if this occurs again.
Signed,
Flint
(Note taped to Flint's door, written on notebook paper)
Understood.
Conversation recorded by Pit's internal surveillance systems
Clerical aid: Is everything okay in there, Sir? I heard a strange crash….
Flint: It's nothing! One of my books… accidentally hit the wall.
Clerical aid: …Yes sir.
Medical Progress Report
Date: October 20, 1990
Submitted by: Corporal Leech
Patient: Sgt. Scarlett
Comments: Patient is refusing to cooperate with her medication and is also being violently vocal with her complaints.
Physician's Orders
Re: Scarlett
Replace Scarlett's bed sheets with the Strawberry Shortcake sheets in the back closet. She can have the standard issue bed sheets back when she behaves.
Signed,
Lifeline
Complaint Form
Name of Person filing Complaint: Sgt. Scarlett
Date: October 20, 1990
Complaint: Lifeline is acting unprofessional. He is forcing me to wear bed restraints and sleep in humiliating bed sheets.
RE: Complaint Form
Date: October 20, 1990
Scarlett, a word of advice….stop digging.
Signed,
Duke
Physician's Orders
Re: Scarlett
Switch Scarlett's hospital gown out with the lovely, pink one in the back closet.
Signed,
Lifeline
Conversation recorded by Pit's internal surveillance systems
Scarlett: Fuck you Lifeline!
Lifeline: (Ignoring)
Scarlett:…You just wait until I'm back to teaching hand to hand training…
Author's Note: The greenshirts named in chapter 1, the Quartermaster Top Notch, and Greenshirt Leech (a nurse in the infirmary) are all my creations.
There was some debate on who would clean up blood spills. The general consensus by some of other writers was that a biohazard/contamination unit would clean it up. Thanks to Ami Ree for telling me about the EVS (Environmental Safety) unit at hospitals, which cleans up minor contamination spills. I imagine that there must be a similar unit in GI Joe.