Chapter 14

After Jace dropped me off at my house I ran- well as fast as you can when your skin and bones, which I am- to my room.

Once and I entered and lightly shut the door behind me, I walked to my bed and sat down. I got out my thinking cap (Blue's Clues XD) and let my feelings and thoughts drag me into oblivion.

Ok, what do I know so far?

…

….

…..

That he knows how to spell…?

Shit.

I have nothing. Why is he making this so damn hard? Did I mention that I can't solve cases? Hence why I'll never be a detective.

I sighed, This isn't helping. Gradually, this anger and frustration swirled inside me. I could feel my whole body going rigid, while my face turned into a tomato (Jane…) and my jaw clenched.

I got up and started pacing. My hair was being yanked by my fingers in the hopes of stopping my angry midget look. It wasn't that I was mad at anyone particularly; it just frustrates me that when I think I'm finally understanding something, it just ends up confusing me more. And no, it's not that I'm stupid, thank you very much.

I let out a frustrated groan and sat back down. Slowly, the heat and anger evaporated until I was my normal pale self again. I put my head in my hands, while shaking it. Why is my life so damn complicated? Why?

A knock from the door put my pity party in halt. I made my way over to the door. I wonder who- The door opened and a huge smile danced across my lips as my eyes lit up at the familiar figure standing in the doorway. I ran over to him and gave him a bear hug. His arms awkwardly wrapped around me and I could tell he was uncomfortable, but at the moment I didn't care.

I pulled away and looked at him with shining eyes. "I missed you so much Alec!"

He ruffled my curls and his smile slightly twitched when he saw the grey. But he composed himself and looked at me like he didn't see anything. I let it go, that was the least of my problems.

I looked at him noticing the much calmer demeanor that held his frame. His shoulders didn't look as tensed as they used to be and instead of that masked smile he always wore I could see a real genuine one took its place. He still had his black hair, and those beautiful, crystal, blue eyes. I'm not going to lie, with those looks we might have been dating by now, but sadly he's gay. No, I don't have a problem with gay people, and he has this really sweet boyfriend anyway.

I smiled brightly at him, "How was the trip, Alec? Did you have a fun time?" He swallowed and quickly averted his eyes, along with his face. I laughed at his awkwardness. He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes, before facing me again, a smile forming on his lips. "What are you giggling about?"

"Oh," I gave a devilish smile, "nothing."

He shook his head at my weirdness, still smiling.

"No, but seriously, how was it?"

His face lit up immediately, as he dove into the story. I laughed when he told me with a horrified facial expression about the shopping part of the trip. Magnus (his boyfriend) has a wild addiction to shopping; something Alec isn't too much of a fan of.

After he was done, a comfortable silence hung in the air. Alec and I were like that; we could be alone in a room, and just sit there, in silence, with no awkward appeal to either one of us.

Eventually he broke it though; I could tell that I was worrying him, with just my looks, (and no I don't mean how hot I am) hell, I could worry anyone, with this sickly, pale, thin look I've got going on. And to be quite honest I can't pull it off, and I sure as hell hope no one can. No one should have to look like this.

"…okay though?"

I blinked and looked up at him with confused eyes. "What?"

Alec nervously chuckled and muttered something about my mind never stops wandering. "I was just asking you if you were okay."

I immediately paled at his statement. This only seemed to worry him more at his fiddled with the end of his shirt. I nodded yes as I quickly tried to compose my face, to look blank, but Alec can always see right through it, and with no surprise he didn't fall for it.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Clary, what's wrong?" His tone held authority but also a bit of pleading expression to it.

I only shook my head. I love him like a brother, I really do, but I'm not ready to speak about this to him. I didn't want anyone to know my true emotions, not Simon, Alec, and especially not Jace. I love them all but this isn't something I want to discuss right now, maybe never. I can't let them know how much my Jocelyn affects me, or this disease for that matter. I have to be strong, since no one else seems like they can truly be at the moment. They may be pretending to be strong, but I can always see through it. Nothing can really get past me; I have always been observant, but ever since this disease hit me, I have been trying to pick up every little detail I can.

I snapped out of my thoughts, realizing Alec was still waiting for an answer, and with my new found ability I put on the best mask I could muster and with a fake smile I told him I was fine. His blue eyes twinkled suspiciously, but he didn't push me further. I think it was because I made the exhaustion apparent on my face, hoping that he would just let it slide, which he did. He may know me like he knows himself, but the same rules apply to me. We carried on a conversation for a while. When he had to leave however, he held a slight hesitation. I gave him a long hug and he pulled away a little, and looked at me in the eyes. His eyes said all that words couldn't. He gave me this looked that was a cross between, We are not done with this discussion, and I'm worried but, I hope you are feeling better.

We untangled our arms and Alec slowly walked towards the door. He opened the door, and glanced back at me, with a sympathetic look, before quietly shutting the door.

As soon as I heard his footsteps descend down the stairs, I let out the breath I was holding. I knew Alec knew there was something off, but I was happy that he didn't pry. That was one of the things I love about him; he knows when he needs to back off, or pry. A little voice in the back of my head said that he needed to pry, that this isn't healthy to be feeling this down, but I quickly dismissed the thought. I wasn't closing myself off….was I?

Anyway everything happens for a reason. If I am meant to close off, then I'm just going to let life take its course; I'm going to die anyway. What does it matter? Not wanting to get any more confused than I already am, I wandered into different thoughts. I immediately thought of the mysterious notes I've been receiving. I knew I ought to tell someone, and honestly I don't know why I'm not. Part of me is saying to tell someone because it could be dangerous but the other, stronger part is telling me just to play it through; it could be nothing, so why worry? I kept having this metal debate until I couldn't take the stress of it anymore, and screamed at my mind to shut up.

And now I'm talking to, no screaming at myself. So not only am I going to die, but I'm going to die crazy. Great. Just great. I let out a frustrated whining/growl sound, just as my phone went off. Sighing, I walked over to pick it up. Frowning, at the caller ID, I decided just to let it go. It was Jace, but he's been hovering over me a lot lately. I knew he wouldn't get mad at me for not answering because he would just assume I was sleeping, or something. As my phone still blared through the room, one thought occurred to me.

Sleep.

I haven't slept in a while and I could feel the exhaustion getting to me. I panicked for a minute at the thought of still having to do homework but then smiled with ease when I realized my teachers haven't given me any. No teacher (with a heart) would give a deathly sick and worried child homework. And while think some of the teachers at my school are pretty cruel, they all have a heart. Some may be bigger than others, but they still do.

I laid my head down on my pillow, erasing my thoughts, waiting for exhaustion to take over. Peacefulness eventually swept over me, and I relaxed into a deep slumber.

(Don't think you guys want to read hours' worth of me describing Clary's peaceful sleep…so….PAGE BREAK)

I woke up with a relaxed stretching of my arms. I quickly glanced at my clock to see how long I have before I have to be at school. It read: 12:32. A.M.? Then I averted my gaze to the window and realized it was light outside.

shit.

Shit.

SHIT!

It is already midday, and slept for- I did a little bit of mental math- over 16 hours! HOLY SHIT! I have never in my life slept for that long, and it especially freaked me out because it wasn't like I haven't been sleeping soundly. I've been pretty tired still, but I've been at least getting 9 hours of sleep, pretty much every night, with the small exception of a few.

I grabbed my phone from the night stand, surprised that it had the battery level of 3 bars. I haven't been charging it, so naturally it just seems weird… to me that is. Yeah… my mind works differently than others. I sighed and quickly look through my contacts and sent a quick message:

Not feeling very well, I think I'm gonna stay home today. Mind telling my teachers for me? Thanks, love you. And sorry I didn't pick up you call last night. I was asleep. ~C

Instantly I got a message back.

Texting me in class Fray? Never thought I would see the day. I rolled my eyes at that comment. Sure I don't mind. And I figured you were sleeping or something. Feel better, I'll see you after school, and I love you too. ~J

I'm not that bad of a teacher pet. And you would have never seen the day anyway, because your ego is blocking your sight. It's wonder you have friends. ~C

You are a pet. And your comments hurt me Fray *points to heart* right here. ~J

I decided to drop the conversation with that. I knew he would get a little frustrated but he loves me too much to ever get too mad at me for something like that. Same goes for me.

I started to sit up, and pull off the covers, but a shivering cold ran up and down my spine stopping me. I immediately retreated back to the warmth underneath my covers, and got a cozy again, a frowning face apparent in my expression. Great. This is exactly how I want to be spending my little time I've got left. I sighed, trying not to get too bored.

I looked around my room, trying to memorize every little freaking detail I could find. My desk was covered in sketches. Colored pencils were laying lazily across my artwork. I missed drawing so much; it was my favorite thing to do. My art expresses my emotions, kind of like a diary in a way. It let me relieve some stress and sometimes helped me figure out my life, and how to get it back on track, if it was a hard period for me. Drawing is my escape; it's where I can pretend for some little bit that everything's okay. I don't have any worries, my life is near perfect, and best of all I can just relax and be me. I don't have to wear a mask. Even when I'm alone I don't always show what I'm feeling, in fear that my emotions will get the best of me, but I never have to worry about that when I have a pencil and paper.

Deciding I can deal with the pain, I slowly got out of bed and carefully walked over to my desk to grab my necessary materials. I stumbled my way back to my bed and sat up with my back against my head board, and my legs spread out at different angles (I don't know about ya'll but the only way I can sleep or in any way relax is by having my legs angled weirdly. Yes I know I'm weird, no need to judge in your minds.)

I pulled out a piece of paper and picked up a pencil and let my mind relax, an image forming in my mind. My hand glided across the paper, forming perfectly curved lines. It was almost a subconscious movement. I shaded here and there and by the time I was done, my hands were covered in graphite, I was almost completely relaxed, and my mind was blank. I glanced down at my art work. The graceful cheekbones were set high and her eyes were stressed and worried. Wrinkles stuck out here and there on her face, and her lips were set in a thin line.

The recognition was bluntly obvious. I sighed (I seem to be doing that a lot lately.) It sometimes bothered me that my drawings cleared up my thoughts. My mind works in a way where it will avoid something that I know I don't want to believe. It's like lying to yourself some many times that you start to believe. Where that's because you can't handle that news, and it hasn't settled in yet, or you just don't want to believe it's actually happening, and you are pretending that it's not true, we ourselves honestly don't know.

Either way it annoys me because I'm not ready to talk to her yet. I'm not ready for the truth, so as long as I keep telling myself that, that's how it's going to stay. A tear trickled down my cheek and splashed down on the paper below. I quickly wiped away anymore threatening to fall. I cannot afford to show weakness. I can't give her the satisfaction. She can't win. I set my jaw and looked forward.

I was about to crumble the paper, but something stopped me. I wanted to rip it to shreds, but I just couldn't. Some unknown force was stopping me. All the new determination I had evaporated in an instant. One tear fell and soon a river flowed down my face and as much as I tried to stop it, I couldn't. I just let them freely fall down the sides of my face, wetting my cheeks, with no energy left to stop them. I was mentally and emotionally drained from the past few weeks.

All of the emotions and problems I kept bottled out erupted out of me. I knew it was going to happen eventually but still, I mentally cursed myself for being so weak. After my mini meltdown I was exhausted. I just could barely do anything anymore, probably because I was so emotionally confused. I don't handle stress very well, and I guess it doesn't help that I was forced to grow up at such a young age. I lost a lot of my childhood, having to do everything for myself, and even though I wished it didn't happen and I would have gotten a little longer to enjoy myself, I'm kind of glad it did. I learned how to stay strong for others, how to survive emotionally, mentally, and physically on my own and becoming more observant of others.

Being very observant of others is a blessing and a curse. It gives you the ability to learn more about how life goes, and how to keep an open mind. It also helps you have the ability to step into someone else shoes, to get a better understanding of what they are going through and their over powering emotions.

I pulled myself from my thoughts. Only two words coming to my mind: Old soul.

I glanced over at the clock which read: 3:04. Jace will be here any minute. I collected myself and hid the picture I drew, still being unable to ruin it. And even though I kept lying to myself in the hopes of it coming true, subconsciously I knew the answer to the beginning of my problems was the woman in my picture and her name is Jocelyn.