Disclaimer - I don't own the characters only their thoughts and actions.
The list sits on her lap, the bottom left corner ragged from where she hastily ripped it out of her journal. The top right corner has been dog-eared many times during the duration of her trip as she bends it back and forth, constantly keeping her fingers busy. The list is titled, "Things To Do." It's simple and gives away nothing, just like Quinn's plans for this weekend.
Santana meets her at Grand Central Station stating that Kurt and Rachel are still in class, but will be back to the apartment for dinner. After sitting on the train and being squished so tightly into the subway that she could feel the anxiety creeping in, Quinn wants nothing more than a relaxing shower when she and Santana arrive in Bushwick. She throws her duffel in Santana's make-shift room knowing she will be tempted less if she sleeps with her best frienemy than if she shares a bed with the other brunette.
Dinner is, surprisingly, a quite affair. Apparently the fast paced city life has finally caught up with both Kurt and Rachel, and Santana has to cut out early to make it to her shift at the bar. After dinner, Kurt also sees himself out of the apartment citing a movie date with Adam. Quinn can sense Rachel's fatigue and suggests they call it a night. She has all weekend to accomplish what she came here for.
Quinn watches Rachel retreat to her room after bidding her goodnight, and she realizes once again she is too late. She was too late for her period sophomore year, she was too late checking for the lumps that formed in her left breast, and she's too late in getting Rachel Berry to love her. Quinn falls back on Santana's bed and pulls the list out of her pocket. She came to New York knowing it would be her last visit and she plans to make the most of it. She falls into a restless sleep clutching the list tightly in her hands that lay softly on her damaged body.
Quinn wakes up when the bed dips from the addition of another body. Opening one eye, she sees Rachel, sitting Indian style on the foot of the bed. Rubbing her eyes while sitting up, Quinn mumbles a barely recognizable greeting. The first thing Quinn notes is how Rachel will not take her eyes off of Quinn. The second, is that her hands are empty. She swivels her head in a poor attempt to find the list, not that it is completely necessary as she has memorized each item on it.
"Are you looking for this?" Rachel asks while bringing her hands out from behind her back, the list clutched in her right hand.
Quinn nods slowly, still not fully awake and leans forward to take it back, but Rachel pulls away keeping it out of her friend's reach. Assessing the situation, Quinn leans back to rest against the wall letting Rachel keep the list. She probably already read it anyway, so there really is no point in trying to get it back.
"Where's Santana?"
"Never came home. I'm assuming she found a scantily clad woman to indulge in her sexual needs," Rachel replies easily.
"And Kurt?"
"Spent the night at Adam's." Quinn nods once and then swings her legs over the side of the bed before heading over to her duffel bag.
"Are we seriously not going to talk about this?" Rachel asks at Quinn's back.
"Talk about what?" She continues searching through her bag for an appropriate outfit already knowing Rachel won't drop the subject.
"This list."
"I don't see what the issue is," Quinn replies as she turns around to face Rachel, "It's just a few things I wanted to do while I was here."
"I understand that," Rachel says as she climbs off the bed. She looks down at the list in her hands and continues, "Visit the MoMA, hold hands while walking in Central Park…" she looks up at Quinn, "These all seem like valid activities except for the last one." Quinn can feel her pulse quicken as she tries to keep her face neutral.
"I see you tried hard to scratch it out, which means you either don't want to do it or you have already accomplished it. However I'm going to assume it's not the latter as I know for a fact you have yet to Make sweet, tender love to Rachel Barbra Berry," Rachel says with a completely straight face. She doesn't look angry or disgusted, which Quinn is taking as a good sign. Mostly Rachel just looks thrown off-guard.
Quinn lets out a laugh that sounds as fake as it is, "My roommate wrote that."
"I'm not an idiot Quinn. I know your handwriting when I see it."
"Well, what do you want me to say?"
"Why did you write it? I mean I know you trifled in sapphic waters during your tryst with Santana, which believe me was awkward enough listening to the first time, so I'd rather not have to relive that. But I just don't understand. You've never shown interest in me that way before and-"
"Never shown interest?" Quinn cuts her off as her hands fly into her hair to hold onto something, "Jesus Rachel! Were you even there our last two years of high school?" Rachel's eyebrows furrow in hiding behind her bangs as she takes a step back bumping against the bed.
"I assure you I would have been much more prepared for this had I ever received mixed signals from you or-"
"Mixed signals from me?" Quinn points a finger in Rachel's direction, "You were the queen of throwing out mixed signals. 'You're a very pretty girl Quinn, but you're a lot more than that.' No one says that to someone who is just a friend."
"I was just trying to-"
"Or telling me your best achievement in high school was becoming my friend. Not all the glee competitions or getting engaged to Finn, no…" Quinn takes a step towards Rachel while she points to herself, "Being my friend was the thing you were the most proud of."
"Exactly Quinn, your friend!" Rachel screeches and the outburst takes both girls by surprise. Quinn stumbles back a few steps while Rachel takes a deep breath to calm herself keeping eye contact with the blonde. "I am so happy that we have become friends Quinn," she moves forward to close the gap between them and grasps Quinn's hands in her own, "and our friendship means the world to me. I'm sorry, but I don't have feelings for you in that way."
Quinn nods once, her face stoic before she pulls away, turning her back on Rachel and resuming her search for clothes to wear. She feels a hand on her arm and looks over her shoulder to see Rachel pulling her toward Santana's bed. The two girls sit down, side-by-side facing a wall that has yet to be decorated. Out of the corner of her eye, Quinn sees Rachel fiddling with the list in her lap.
"I really am sorry if my actions gave you false hope, I assure you it was never my intention to-"
"Stop Rachel. Just," Quinn lets out a breath to compose herself, "Look its fine. Why do you think I had it crossed off in the first place?"
Rachel offers no answer and the silence is suffocating. Quinn knew it was a long shot, a mere hope that Rachel could ever return the feelings she harbored that only grew with time. Just as Quinn is about to get up and escape, she feels Rachel's hand laid gently upon her own. She turns her head to see Rachel trying to catch her gaze.
"I care about you, Quinn. I really do," she says as she squeezes Quinn's hand. "I just don't love you the way you want me to, the way you deserved to be loved."
"I know," Quinn lets out softly as she turns to face the wall again. She leaves her hand in Rachel's relishing in the feeling and comfort that it brings. "You were never supposed to see that list," she confesses.
"I'm actually quite glad that I did." Rachel slowly extracts her hand and gets up from the bed carrying the list with her out of Santana's room. With a nod of Rachel's head, Quinn realizes she is meant to follow her friend and they make their way into Rachel's room where she pins the list to the corkboard above her dresser. Quinn quirks her eyebrow in a silent question, while Rachel stares at the list on her board.
"I've always believed you should never give up on your dreams," Rachel states quietly.
"What are you trying to say?" Quinn asks trying to keep the anger out of her voice, "Because this here is you giving me another mixed message." Rachel turns to face Quinn before replying.
"Love comes in many forms and can be shaped in many ways. Just because I'm not in love with you right now doesn't mean I will never be."
"Only two minutes ago you were yelling at me that we are only friends and now you're saying what, there's a slim possibility that someday we could be more than that? You can't expect me to just wait around for you; I don't have time for your games Rachel."
"No it's not- you're not getting it. Look, I would be happy to-" she looks back at the list, "make sweet, tender love with you. If judging by what Santana's told me I'm sure it would be quite pleasurable, but I can't do that to you knowing that I don't return your feelings at the moment. It would only hurt you more."
"So then-"
"Let me finish." Rachel cuts Quinn off for once and begins pacing in front of her dresser, "I can't in good conscience engage in that activity with you right now, knowing it would mean more to you. But now that I know how you feel- and trust me I'm still going to need a few days to process this and reevaluate all of our previous encounters- now we can maybe move forward? I'm not saying we would start dating or anything right away, we can obviously start slow and-"
"No," Quinn interrupts firmly, but with no trace of malice. Her voice stops Rachel's movement as she stares at Quinn, tilting her head slightly in confusion.
"No?"
"I can't be with you. I love you Rachel," she admits aloud for the first time, "but now isn't a good time for me to start anything that resembles a relationship."
It's not the whole truth, not the complete reason why Quinn can't start something she will never be able to finish, but it's as honest as she can be with Rachel at the moment. Quinn doesn't want her pity, not for her inability to return Quinn's feelings right now nor for her indeterminate short time left in life, she just wants Rachel's love. And Quinn will take it in any form.
"Well then why bring the subject up?" Rachel asks. When Quinn laughs this time, it is genuine.
"You brought it up. With your inability to keep your nose out of other people's business," Quinn teases as she gently pokes Rachel's nose to which the girl scrunches her face up at the intrusion. They settle on Rachel's bed, both girls still in their pajamas, Quinn's quest for more appropriate clothes having been long forgotten. The girls sit next to each other with their backs on the headboard and when Rachel snuggles her body closer to Quinn's, she doesn't retreat. Instead she throws an arm over Rachel's shoulder and pulls her in closer, knowing this will be a memory she wants to keep. This time the silence is comforting, finally having her feelings out in the open puts Quinn at ease.
"Do you really think you could love me someday?" Quinn wonders aloud, not actually expecting an answer.
"I think I already do." Quinn gave Rachel's body a gentle squeeze knowing that even though it was too late, it was still more than she had ever hoped for.
Quinn never got to accomplish everything on her bucket list. But she was able to love Rachel Berry and finally know that she was loved in return. And that, that was all she ever truly wanted.