She started slipping again
Pain blossoming from the cuts in her flesh
Blood blooming to the top of them,
She smiles
The pain is back
She can finally feel again
The freedom in those simple cuts
The aching in her chest
The need to hide everything she is
No one cares
Why should they?
She hides
No one knows the real her
She won't let them in
People have hurt her in the past, why trust them now?
Why give them the chance to hurt her?
So she hides
She hides from what could have been because of what has been
The need to be alone is overwhelming
But no one understands
They always crowd around her
They don't understand
That can't and they never could
The pain she feels every day
The uncontrollable doubt
The feeling that it all needs to end
The fear of what will happen,
What will happen if she ends her life?
Will anyone care?
Will anyone grieve for her?
What will they say?
"I'm glad she is finally gone" she expects most people to say that
Will anyone miss her when she is gone?
NO
Why would they?
What has she done to make them grieve her?
Does she deserve their pain?
Is she worth their tears, their sorrow?
Why not end it before someone else gets hurt
Before she gets hurt again
She pulls the razor blade up the inside of her leg
Loving the feeling of the pain
Loving the sight of her own blood
She wants more pain but she fears is
The pain brings calm,
The pain brings freedom
But the pain also brings fear,
Fear of what comes after life
What will happen when she dies?
Does she have a soul
If so will it go anywhere?
Is there a place that will ever accept her for who she is?
Are the Christians right?
The Jews?
The Wicca?
Is there anything else out there?
When you die is that is?
Does your body go into the ground and nothing more?
Does the pain continue?
Does it end?
Another slice, this time on the other leg
The pain and numbness settling in
She gasps for air that doesn't to want to come
She can feel her life force slowly slipping from her
Her hands shaking she takes the razor blade in her left hand
Places it at the inside of her right are near her armpit and pushes down and pulls it to the top of her wrist
These cuts are those of someone desperate for death,
They aren't the small but deep cuts of someone wanting an escape,
There will be no recovery from these,
She looks down at the white flowing dress she wore for the occasion,
You could hardly yell that it was at one point white
It was blood soaked
She picks up the razor blade not realizing she had dropped it
"One last cut"
One more and she would be as dead s she felt
She willed herself to lift the hand that held the razor but couldn't,
Why?
She wanted death
Needed it even
She needed the oblivion
The darkness
The escape from this eternal pain and hunger,
Would she ever have her peace?
Was it even possible anymore?
And that scared her
The realization that with one more cut it would all be over hit her like a ton of bricks,
She decided that it was time for her to do something for herself for a change
She forced her right hand to move up to her left arm
With a shaky hand she begun the last cut she would ever make
Crisscrossing over old scars she makes her way down thinking of all of the things that have happened to her
She finally lets herself cry
The razor has reached her wrist and she cries out in relief
Her suffering is over
The hunger is gone
The pain is gone
There is nothing
Death is bliss
Death is floating
No more pain
No more punishment
No anything
Everything that once caused her pain is gone
Death is easy
Death is not the coward's way out
It takes courage to grab the razorblade and pull it across your skin to the point where you feel nothing at all
Death is worth it
Life isn't
Life causes so much pain
You don't see someone suffering because they die
Death cleanses
Death purifies
Death frees
Death relaxes
Death calms
So why is it that people fear death?
There is nothing left to fear
The only thing left is oblivion
Oblivion should be welcomed,
Oblivion is the final peace
She now lays in peace
Even if it is spread eagle and blood soaked on the floor,
She finally has the peace she was searching for