I would like to thank all of you have read this so far. I hope you have been enjoying this. I'm sorry if I've disappointed any of you for the wait in between updates. This story is difficult for me not only because it is my first fanfiction but also because I don't have a set plot in my mind. I have general ideas. I'm letting this story be fluid and I'm going go with the flow. If you have any suggestions for it, or just want to give me some ideas, I am always more than happy to read what you have to say. In fact it is encouraged.
Hopefully this chapter doesn't disappoint. I swear I will get back to lovey-dovey stuff eventually. Don't worry.
Please review and follow, but most importantly enjoy!
Trigger Warning!
Tegan P.O.V.
I feel the blade slice through my flesh. Blood is everywhere. The door opens, Sara walks in. She passes out and breaks her nose on the floor. She wakes up and walks over to me she holds my hand. She wants to talk, I pass out. I hear a scream, I wake up, my arms are wrapped and I try to help her, to help Sara, my Sara. She tells me not to move, so I don't. She cleans up the bathroom and picks me up. She was so gentle and warm I just wanted to fall asleep in her arms. She dresses me, but runs her hands up my spine, leaving burning flesh in the wake. I push her away I was scared. She explains what she was doing, so I let her continue and before I know it she's gone.
I hear knocking on my door and I am roused from my very uncomfortable sleep. Fuck what time is it? I turn on my side and look at my alarm clock it is four in the afternoon. Fuck did I sleep all day? It's Saturday, Sara's supposed to go to a rave tonight. I guess that means I get to stay home with mum.
"Tegan, can I come in?" Mum inquires, while slowly turning the doorknob letting herself in.
"Sure." I say slightly annoyed she walks right in without hearing my response. What if Sara told her what I did? She walks to my bed and sits on the edge. God, what does she want?
"I just wanted to make sure you're okay. I'm assuming you and Sara got in a fight yesterday after school. You broke her nose, her face is pretty banged up. She has a lovely bruise. She wouldn't tell me what happened, but I know it has something to do with you I just know it. Can you elaborate on what happened? Please?" She gives me a worried smile and brushes the bangs out of my face.
"Mum, I don't want to talk about it; it is between Sara and I." I gently swat her hand away from my face and flip over facing the wall trying desperately to hide the tears that are forming in my eyes. She lets out a frustrated sigh and stands up.
"Alright honey, just don't kill each other tonight. I'm leaving to go over to Bruce's. I probably will not be home tonight. Dinner is in the fridge, make sure you leave some for Sara." She walks out quietly shutting my door. I roll my eyes at the Bruce comment. She seems to really love him. Sometimes I'm so thankful she's a therapist and doesn't pressure Sara and I to talk to her. Though I really hate hiding things from her. Well on the bright side I get the whole house to myself tonight.
Sara P.O.V.
"No Emy, I can't go tonight I'm sorry." God, why won't she just accept I don't want to go tonight?
"But Sara, we've been planning this for a while." Her voice rings through the phone dripping with frustration.
"I have to stay, I got into a fight of sorts with Tegan yesterday and now I have a broken nose. I don't feel like going out tonight. You go and have fun, I'll see you at school and explain more later. Just be safe." I try to convey that I really want her to go tonight, and that I don't want to talk about the fight.
"Aww Sara! Why didn't you just say that? I would be doing the exact same thing, you stay home. Have a good night. I'll try to be safe, no promises though. See you on Monday and I'm holding you to the story of what happened. Bye Sar." I can hear the sympathy in her voice.
"See ya Em." I hang up.
Hmm what time is it? Six great. Dinner time. Mum's with Bruce. I've got the house to myself, wait no Tegan's here. I need to talk to her. Mum asked about my nose, she assumed it was Tegan, well, it was but it was my fault. It was best to not tell her Sara. You can fix Tegan, no need to concern mum. With that, I remove myself from the comfy sofa in the living room and head into the kitchen. Mum said there was food in the fridge. Let's see what she got us. Pizza great! I pull out the box of pizza and set it on the counter. I walk over to the cabinets and get down two plates. I plop down two slices of cheese pizza on both plates. I heat them up in the microwave. While I wait for the beep, I put the rest of the pizza back into the fridge. I stand in the middle of the kitchen and just ponder what's going on in Tegan's head and how I'm going to approach her to get her to talk to me. The microwave beeps and I retrieve the dinners and I head upstairs. When I get to the hallway, I can hear the faint hum of Sponge's Molly coming from Tegan's room. I walk down the hall, stop in front of her door, and knock. I hear her rustling around, turning off the music and walking to the door. She opens the door, and looks like hell. Her hair is more disheveled than normal, even though it is short like mine. She is extremely pale. It worries me.
"Yeah, what do you want? Better yet why are you here, don't you have a rave to go too?" She sounds annoyed.
"I told Emy I didn't want to go. I brought you dinner." I say with a smile.
"Thanks." She mutters grabbing a plate and walking back over to her unmade bed. She sits down and moves her back up against the wall. She draws her knees up to her chest and uses them as a make shift table.
"Um…may I come in please?" I ask awkward. She nods. I walk in and shut the door. I shuffle over to the bed and sit at the end away from her cross-legged. She eyes me as she sits silently eating her pizza. I take a bite of my own. We both sit in silence and munch on our pizza. I finish before her, lay my plate on the floor and look around her room. She has some awesome band posters on her wall, Cindi Lauper, Corn, Sponge, and Smashing Pumpkins among others. She sighs and it brings me back to reality. She leans forward and puts her plate down on the nightstand. She curls back into her former position wrapping her arms around her legs and putting her head on her knees. I notice some relatively fresh cuts on her wrist. They must be from yesterday, mystery of her wearing a long sleeve shirt-solved. I sigh and get ready to speak.
"Tee, can we talk?" I ask as gently as I can. She nods but keeps her face in her knees. I know that must hurt her; those cuts were in precarious places. "Tee, may I….may I see them, please?" I see a ripple wash through her body. She makes no noise but slowly uncoils and removes her shirt. She puts her legs down. She sits there unmoving with her eyes averted chewing relentlessly on her labret. I have to keep the sob that is pushing to escape my throat repressed. One of her cuts had reopened at some point on her right shoulder. The gauze is completely bled through and there was a trail of scarlet marring her skin. "My god, Tegan, are you in pain?" Wow stupid question Sara!
"Yeah….a bit. Nothing I can't handle though." She hangs her head lower, but I can still see the wet marks that are forming in the bed as she silently crys.
"I'll be right back. Don't move." I don't wait for her response instead I rush out of her room and into the bathroom to collect the First-Aid kit. Keep it together Sara. You can cry later, be strong for her, show her that nothing is wrong with her. Help save her like she saved you.
As I walk back to her room I can't help but think back to how she saved me. She had noticed I wasn't eating for days on end and that even my tightest jeans were too large for me. She caught me one afternoon in the bathroom throwing up instead of asking what I was doing she walked in and held my hair and rubbed my back until I was done. She then helped me back to my room and let me cry on her all night. All she did was lay with me and hold me all night. She asked me what was wrong, while her arms were wrapped around me. In her embrace, I felt safe so I let it out. I told her not to hate me that I was the same person I always was. She just held me and whispered 'no matter what I'll always be here, nothing can push me away.' I just came out and told her that I was gay. She said nothing just held me tighter and nodded. She held me until I couldn't sob anymore, she didn't have to say anything her understanding and being there for me was enough. Every time she caught me in the bathroom, she would help me to my room and hold me until I couldn't cry anymore. She helped me through the dark by being my light. I'm determined to be the same.
I walk back into the room to find her still perched on the bed with her legs out and head down, back resting against the wall. I walk into the room and shut the door again and set the kit down on the bed. I crawl onto her bed and scoot next to her on her right. I gently put my hand on her chin and lift her head so I could look at her eyes. She flinches and tears stream down her cheeks. Her eyes look lifeless and it breaks my heart, I just want to take all her burdens and erase them. I want to help her in any way possible.
"Tee, may I please change these bandages and re-wrap them?" I try not to let my let my voice waiver. I give her a small smile. She nods her head. I remove my hand and place it on the smooth skin just beneath the red tape. This isn't going to be pretty. I carefully peel the tape and Tegan starts to squirm beside me and whimpers.
"I'm sorry Tee I'm trying to be as careful as I can. Just tell me if I need to stop." I glance at her and she nods. I continue my actions. I get all the tape off and remove the bloody gauze. It was worse than I ever thought it would be. Both cuts had festered up and had puss running out of them. I gasp. Tegan turns her head and looks at her arm before I am able to tell her not to. I didn't think it was possible for her to look whiter, but it was.
"Tee I know you don't want to see a doctor, so I'm not going to suggest it, but I'm not going to lie and say these aren't bad either. These are really bad. I know what needs to happen, but you're not going to like it. So I need to know do you trust me?" I needed to know, because what I would have to do next was going to hurt, but it would ensure that the infection wouldn't spread. She turns her head and gives me an honest look.
"Yeah, Sasa I….I trust you. Just don't tell me. Just do it."
With that I gently pull off the butterfly strips. Tegan winces every time one is removed. I reach down and search for the small bottle of 99% alcohol and gauze. I find them both and look up at Tegan. She can tell what I'm about to do, she knows it must be done, but the look of pure terror on her face nearly makes me stop what I'm doing.
"Tegan maybe you should lay down for this, I don't want you passing out."
"No, I'm fine. I refuse to pass out this time I deserve this."
"You don't deserve this Teegs. Why would you even say that?" Why would she say that? No one deserves this!
"I can't tell you. Can you please just continue?" Her bottom lip quivers and tears wash down her face and drip off her strong jaw line and onto her perfect chest. I pick up the supplies and brace myself for the screaming that is about to occur.
Tegan P.O.V.
She's going to clean my wounds. Not just slap some disinfectant on them and call them done. She's going to clean them. This is going to hurt so fucking much. Just keep it together Tegan. You've kept it together so far with her this close to you, with her face inches from yours. You can do this.
Sara goes to work on my arm. She takes dry gauze and wipes it over the gashes quickly. She's removing the puss and reopening the wound, apparently she didn't clean it well enough last night. I can't help but let the sob rush out my mouth.
"I'm sorry Tee. I gotta do this." Her voice is so soothing. It relaxes me somewhat. It can't take the sting out of my arm though. I shut my eyes and I can't help but to think back to the dream, when I got pleasure out of my pain. The bed shifts slightly but I keep my eyes shut I know what's coming next. She's leaning down to get the alcohol.
"Tegan open you're left hand and give me your right hand." I do as I'm told and take hold of her soft left hand. "Now Tee when I pour this I want you to squeeze my hand as tight as you can. I'm going to have to hand you the bottle to be able to rub in the alcohol so I don't spill much on your bed. You understand?" I nod my head and take a deep breath waiting for my torture to arrive.
The bed shifts again I feel the cold alcohol hitting my infected and hot skin. The burning sensation is almost unbearable. My chest feels like it is going to collapse from the pain. I squeeze Sara's hand and belt out a gut-wrenching screech. I can feel the dark coming for me but I fight it off. Sara thrust's the bottle into my unoccupied hand. I feel her reach for some gauze quickly and starting to rub the wound. My body starts to convulse I shiver and shake, my grip on Sara never loosening. I can't breathe she tenderly rubs the back of my hand.
"Tegan, Tegan breathe. I've got you. Breathe in and out, that's it." I can feel my body starting to go numb, but I can breathe better. A few more minutes of me on the verge of passing out ticks by but I hang in there. Sara stopped rubbing the alcohol in and is just sitting staring at me. My eyes may still be closed but I know she's looking at me.
"You done?" I whimper out.
"With this shoulder almost, but the other shoulder wasn't as bad. I don't think it is infected, but I could be wrong. Let me check before I re-wrap this one." The bed shifts and she removes her hand from mine. She gets up and sits down on my left side. I feel her hands on my shoulder removing the tape. My body is still numb so I don't feel the sting of it being carefully ripped off my flesh. The heat from her hand is removed from my body completely. I open my eyes and look at her the best I can through my blurry eyes. She's staring at my arm, her face is severely bruised from last night. Her look isn't as worried about this arm. She leans over me and grabs some fresh gauze, the disinfectant, and the tape.
"Your face hurt Sasa?" I inquire hoarsely.
"Just a bit, but not as much as it did yesterday before I set it." She gives me her own weak version of my gummy smile, a rare feat to get her to do that. She goes back to work applying the disinfectant and re-wrapping my arm. Her hands burn every spot that they touch, but I want them to touch what they can. She finishes with my left arm and moves back to my right. Carefully putting butterfly strips on it to insure it heals quickly. She re-wraps it with just as much care as she did my other arm.
"Alright you're all done. I'm going to go put this away. You need to rest." She gathers up the stuff and gets ready to leave.
"Sara wait. Will you come back after you put the stuff up?" She nods and leaves. I shift on the bed so I'm under the covers, I don't put on a shirt and I have on a bra so no big deal. Sara walks back into the room, but is hesitant when she sees how I've moved. I pat the bed beside me "Sara will you….um…please come lay with me until I….um I fall asleep?" She shuffles over to my bed and lays down beside me, but on the edge. I am pathetic how can I even ask this of her? "Come closer…hold me?" To my surprise she not only shifts closer, but she nuzzles in between my left arm and my body turning on her side resting her head on my chest draping her right arm across my stomach and lazily tracing the faint outline of my six-pack abs. Maybe I should act pathetic more often? I quickly fall into a deep restful sleep using her rhythmic breathing to put me there.