Ch. 3: Lactose Intolerance

The two young men emerged from the small hut with a disgusted look on their faces. Whether it was from the foul stench emanating from the lake that morning, the large pile of horse manure that had accumulated nearby, or-most likely-the fact that they just rubbed burn ointment on their father, only they would know.

"Alright then," the green-skinned youth said, "this is not how I imagined my 19th Birthday would go. In truth, I imagined a lot more partying, a lot more girls fawning over me, and a very trace amount of any ointment of any kind!"

Markus emerged behind the two. "Oh, be quiet, Galaan! I had to do it to my father, his to his, his to his, and so on. I didn't complain, and neither should you! I'll have you know that…"

Galaan sighed. He hated it when his father started lecturing. He had actually learned to tune it out a few years back, and it cleared him of most of his headaches. At the moment, he was thinking of the various ways he could spend his time now that he was 19.

Okay, I might be able to go down to the Combat Academy and challenge the Master again. That would be awesome! I could go to the music hall and practice on the town organ. I've always liked that instrument for some reason… And, of course, I could also go to…

"…to your Uncle Talon's ranch!"

Wait, what?

"Galaan, are you listening to me? I said that your Uncle Talon needs some help at his ranch. I need you and your brother to go out and help him."

Galaan did a quick mental rundown of what would transpire at his Uncle's ranch. Of course, he'll greet Link first. 'Oh, how tall and strong you have become. Amazing, you still have both arms! Keep them close, because losing them will cost you an arms worth! Ahahahahaha!' Then he'll greet me with as little words as possible, then it's out to the fields! How could I ever NOT want to go?

"Uhh, actually father, I had hoped to go…"

"To your Uncle's ranch like I just said. Thanks son! I'll see you two later, I'm going to catch us some dinner here."

Galaan looked at his father as he walked back to the hut. He still had his mouth open where he was about to finish his sentence. He sighed and walked over to his brother.

"It's pointless trying to argue with him, isn't it?"

"Dude, you're 19 and you still haven't figured that out?" Link laughed and started down the path back to the village.

"I really hate going to that ranch. You know what? I don't care what he says, I'm not going!"

"Oh, boys!" Markus's voice came out of the hut. "I need more burn ointment!"

The two brothers looked at each other in a state of horror and screamed in unison.

"Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!"

Link looked at the trees growing around them as they walked towards the village gate. He had always loved trees, and he often wondered what it would be like to be inside of one. Better yet, to live in one! He was shaken from his reverie as the brothers approached the guards.

They were both the exact same height, wore the exact same clothes, had the same color hair, and talked in the same voice. The only way anybody told them apart was the wart that each had on his nose. Morg, the eldest, had a wart on the left of his nose, while Korg, the youngest, had a wart on the right side. The two immediately straightened up as Link and Galaan approached. They brandished their pole arms clumsily, bumping them into each other as they struggled to look presentable.

"Duh, who goes…uh…there?" Morg asked.

"Nobody gets through without…ummmmm…the thingy!" Korg proclaimed.

Link and Galaan pulled out their entrance amulets and presented them to the guards, who spent a moment looking at them to make sure they were real.

"Duh…okay," said Morg, "you can go in."

"But no…ummmmm…trouble!"

"Don't worry guys, we won't cause any trouble." Galaan reassured. "We just need to pass through to get to the ranch."

The guards nodded and opened the gates, allowing them to pass through into the village.

Link looked around. Kakariko Village was as nice as a place could get in troubled times. There was a healthy water supply, the ranch provided milk and various other products, a town hall was built in the center, and the Combat Academy prepared young men and women to fend for themselves beyond the walls. However, the village itself was not that beautiful. Nobody grew trees in the village. Many people had tried, but the trees always died before they reached their full growth cycle. It was unnatural, as each tree died at the exact same schedule. To the minute, a tree's life was numbered in the village, and it always died no matter what.

Link sighed. I guess it must be an after-effect of the war. What I don't get though is why it's only in the village…

"What in the name of the Goddesses is that?"

Link's thoughts were interrupted by a very startled Galaan, who was looking at the sky with a confused look on his face. Link followed his sight and soon wore the same expression.

In the sky was what appeared to be a small man in bright green tights strapped to a large red balloon. He was writing on a small tablet and slightly chuckled at nothing in particular.

"Do you think he needs help?"

"Only one way to find out." Galaan pulled a slingshot from his pack and loaded a rock. He aimed it at the balloon and fired. The balloon popped and the green-clothed man appeared to hang in to air for a second before dropping with a wail.

Link and Galaan ran over to where the man had fallen. He seemed to be alright, but wobbled around slightly.

Link slowly approached him and asked, "Are you alright, sir?"

The small man suddenly sprang up in a blast of sparkles and shouted, "Tingle, Lingle, Koo-Loo Limpah! I couldn't be better, you wonderful boy! You see, I recently discovered that I am a fairy!"

Galaan's eyes opened wide at this. "Uhhhhhhhhhh, what?"

"It is true! I am a fairy, well at least a reincarnated one, and I can go to a magical place where Rupees are vast and abundant! Care to join me in this, my great endeavor?"

Link and Galaan took one look at each other and nodded. Galaan stepped up and powerfully kicked the small man. He sailed over the village wall and into the forest with a wail.

"Thanks for that, brother. He would have driven me insane had you not done that."

"It wasn't just for you, Link. I flat-out refuse to be in the same FanFiction as that creep!"

"Agreed. Let's hope the author is done writing about him, shall we?"

"Okay. Wait, dang it! I lost the plot in that mess. Where were we?"

"Uhhhh, hang on. Let me check." Link pulled out his cell phone and scrolled through the page. "Uh, here we are! We're headed to Uncle Talon's ranch."

"Oh yeah. We should get… wait, what?! The end of the chapter? Really?!"