Moonlight Reminiscence

Chapter 4

Ivan could feel some solid parts of ice that continued to cover his heart, melting away little by little. "I regret certain things that I did in the past. But I don't feel guilty about the way I feel right now. Anything that you say to me, is cherished. The way you hold me and smile at me is how I dreamed to be loved..." He stated with a warm expression and his violet eyes shone with a much kinder light.

Gilbert closed his eyes and listened to the soothing sound of the other man's voice as he let it carry his very soul. He smiled sadly after Ivan finished his short speech. He felt his heart starting to feel very heavy. "I've been dreaming too, Ivan...I never thought that I'd ever get the chance to experience such love...Even if it's for a short time, I feel so happy. I treasure your words as well and even after this night, I'll remember your words and repeat them over again in my head..."

Gilbert shrunk into the others' chest again and felt tears of joy running down his cheeks. He loved Ivan so much. So much that it hurt. He let his fingers dig a bit into Ivan's front as he took in everything about this moment. Ivan was the only one who ever made him feel such heartrending affections. Not even when the Holy Roman Empire had fallen, or when Old Fritz had left him, tore at his heart more than his feeling for Ivan. Because deep down, he wanted to take this man away from anyone else, he wanted Ivan to be with him, and only love him, but Gilbert felt that such things were impossible. Or at least, for him they were.

The Prussian lifted his head up and showed such heartfelt anguish that it almost made him start crying, but he was capable of holding it, only letting his eyes water. After a few moments of trying to smile, he wiped at his eyes in a desperate attempt to stop the teardrops which only brought forth a full raging war of tears. He began to sob, and moved away from Ivan's touch, Ivan's warmth. It hurt so much to do so even though it was such a simple action. He covered his eyes with his hands, as some tears slipped through the cracks between his fingers.

"Ivan, I regret so much...so much and it hurts..! I just..." He moved his hands away as he took a second to breathe before continuing. "I love you Ivan...I really do...I love you so much and it hurts because I can't have you...I can never have you. You're always on my mind...But we can't..."

A pang of anguish jarred Ivan's chest as he watched Gilbert crying. He walked a bit closer, wondering how to approach his love. "...Why? Why do you say that?" He whispered but his voice remained steady. "Of course you can have me. I won't let anyone separate me from you...! I promise." Ivan wrapped his arms around the body of the very one he never really stopped loving. His hand caressed the former knight's back soothingly. He bent down and placed a kiss on Gilbert's head. "I love you, Gilbert. I really do."

The Prussian chocked a bit on his sobs and covered his face again as he started to close himself off and shutting down like a clam. He managed to level his voice for a few moments though, long enough to speak out quietly but loud enough to let the Russian clearly hear all the words:

"I'm so sorry Ivan..."

Ivan just stared confusedly at first. He shook his head before he began to speak. "We are both here and I can assure you that I honestly want to be with you. Not just for one night. Not only for this moment."

Gilbert felt like his tears would never stop falling. When he felt the other bring him close again, he moved his hands away from his face which was wet from all the tears that had been falling and looked up to Ivan once more, looking deep into the amethyst eyes he had loved for so long. He repeated in his mind the words that Ivan said before and what he had just spoken.

"Ivan, I..." He really didn't know just what to say yet because he was still trying to take it all in. "I don't ever want to lose you. I don't want to be alone again...And I don't think I care anymore if people want us apart." He choked up again and pressed his forehead against Ivan's collarbone and stayed silent for a little while. He still couldn't control the emotions that were washing over him. His arms reached around Ivan once more and he gripped onto his back tightly.

"I never want to lose you." He leaned up and pressed his forehead against Ivan's, rubbing them together a bit to show affection. "I'm so glad that our feelings are mutual...even if you'll be with someone else your entire life...I'm glad I know that you love me as well. My feelings for you will never change and even though we've both caused each other pain from the wars...I'll always love you..."

It tore at his heart even more as he spoke his feelings even more to the other. His hands were still gripping at the other's back. He never wanted to leave Ivan; but he knew that soon they'd have to at least leave this hill. After that, he didn't know what would happen. Would they part ways? Would they see each other again?

He really didn't know. And he didn't want to think about it because even though he said he would be fine if Ivan was with someone else and happy with them, inside he really wasn't fine with it. He didn't want to see the only person he truly loved turn up loving someone else in his absence.

Gilbert let his lips lightly graze over Ivan's for a few seconds before fulling pressing into his once more. He let his face drop again to Ivan's neck. Gilbert never wanted to love anyone else.

Ivan had completely forgotten the cold of the night. All he could feel was the warmth of Gilbert's closeness and their kisses. The Russian frowned a little as he began to talk. "Gilbert, you should let go of this fear and insecurity."

He sighed lightly and continued, softening his tone. "I'm not going to abandon you. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere- you need to understand that. We had a long and difficult past. That's true. And yes, we can't change it or forget our history, but we have the ability to shape our future. I believe we have greater chances to be together in peace. This era is different...I can feel it." He shook his head pensively, reflecting over what he'd just said and then added with a smile. "There is only one problem; your brother might not be happy if he finds out about us. But if I prove to him that my feelings for you are true, he might give me a chance."

Gilbert slowly let his arms wrap around the other's neck as Ivan spoke, letting the words carry him and fill him with such happiness that it was overwhelming. He laughed however when the other mentioned his brother and went to the side of Ivan's face and kissed his ear, still laughing quietly.

"Hmm...You're probably right about him not being the happiest with it but I'm sure you can prove yourself, and I can assure that if he sees me happy with you like this...He'll be fine with it."

Somehow the tone in Gilbert's voice was calm now. Even though he had strained his voice with the tears and was much more used to being loud and boisterous, he was able to compose himself for Ivan. He knew that even if he felt the world was surely closing him down, Ivan would be there for him to lend a hand. As well as Gilbert would always be there, never let Ivan down, never let him go.

Leaning his head down on Ivan's shoulder once more, he placed his hands close to the man's neck and rubbed at the other's spine a little bit. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to hold back the fear he had of being with Ivan; he was still terrified of losing him, or of him leaving for someone else. Gilbert knew that in his thoughts, he still thought of the person who broke him, who forced him to change and then drop him when he needed them the most...

Gilbert felt upset now that he was being reminded of the past. He knew he shouldn't have even thought about it, but he did anyway. A stupid move on his behalf. There wasn't really anything good about his past, especially romantically. All it had been was hopes and let downs. He was always built up to fall. He didn't want it to be that way with the Russian.

He kissed Ivan's neck, suddenly feeling a chill of the cold air, now remembering it was cold out. He looked up into Ivan's eyes and frowned just a little bit. "...Do you think we should go soon? I-" He sighed, not really wanting to say he was cold because he knew then he'd have to leave Ivan. The fears filled his mind and body again, but it was a normal instinct for him. He didn't want to be that way, but after all the things he had gone through, he was just glad he didn't come out of it all insane, which he knew had been a very possible outcome for him.

He finally completed his last sentence. "I'm getting cold...Maybe we shouldn't be out here for much longer...?" He kept his arms around Ivan's waist and held him tightly. He didn't want to let go...He was too afraid, because he loved him so much.

The Russian was so immersed into his personal thoughts and the fascinating sense of holding and being held by Gilbert, that he almost didn't pay attention to the man's request. He blinked and then nodded with understanding. "Yes...we can go now."

A/N: Apologies for the long wait. I was anxious about this chapter and didn't want to upload it before some thorough proofreading. So, I'm very thankful to all the people who have waited patiently for the third chapter.

As I did previously, I'm taking a moment to thank the people on here who posted feedback to the story. Lucrecia84, your positive comments never fail to give me great encouragement. Thank you so much! Ana-chiaaan, I agree to the concept that they can be an interesting and engaging couple when they aren't torn by conflict. It's nice to meet a fellow fan of RusxPru, your feedback made me smile ^^ Pigyz-kun, thanks a lot for posting an additional review to an earlier chapter :3 I'm glad you enjoyed the story so far and hope you read the fourth chapter too.