A/N: Here is chapter 7. Hey guys! School and work and everything are starting up, but I still try to find time to write each week, so as I have said, I won't be abandoning this story. This chapter also turned out longer than I planned, but it was never meant to be split into two parts so again, have fun with the length. Sorry for the sort of cliffhanger, but it will all be worth it in the end. Can't wait until the premier next week! I really want to see how everything all plays out, and new stuff with my favorite characters. Thank you all for reading as well as reviewing,and please feel free to let me know what you think.

"Alex, April, and Adam," Cristina mused, taking a swig of her beer and staring straight ahead. "That's a lot of vowels..."

Shrugging, Meredith nodded. It was a little gimmicky. All of them with the same initials and everything. Cutsy. Or something. But very them. And somehow...appropriate. She took a drink of her own soda before setting it down on the step next to her. They were taking an 'OMG baby' break from the shower party that was enthusiastically going on in the house behind them. Before Cristina gagged. And also it gave the two of them a chance to hang out since Cristina was only in town for a short while. So what if it seemed like a bit of a role reversal? Because Owen and Derek were inside and they were in here. Nothing said all women liked baby showers. Right?

Yawning Cristina said, "I did a heart-lung transplant last week."

As though it was no big deal. Impressed, Meredith commented, "Those are rare."

"It's a perk of being at Stanford."

"I got to operate on two Gangliogliomas in two weeks," Meredith continued, taking a moment to brag herself.

"No..."

"Seattle Grace may not be the power house we once were, but that doesn't mean we don't get good cases."

"And they let you do it? Not Derek, or Nelson?"

"I am a very capable surgeon."

Cristina smirked, "Hardcore."

"I'm sure my mother would be proud," Meredith replied sarcastically, making both Cristina and herself laugh heartily. Actually, she didn't really know what her mother would think. Would she approve of Neuro? Of staying at Seattle Grace for her fellowship? Adopting Zola? She didn't even really know why she still cared.

Her relationship with her mother was something that still made Meredith uncomfortable to deal with, even years after her mother's death. Especially now that she had Zola. Becoming a mother had put a lot of things in perspective. She was a surgeon and a mother, and she struggled every day to make sure that her daughter didn't miss out. And Meredith thought she was doing a good job. She didn't understand why Ellis Grey had not been able to do for Meredith what she could do for Zola.

With the impeccable timing that only toddlers seem to have, a tearful Zola appeared on the porch and ran into Meredith's arms, "Mommy!"

"Hey, Miss Thing," Cristina said running a soothing hand down her goddaughter's back. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, Zozo," Meredith said, letting her daughter rest her head on her shoulder as she sobbed harder. She didn't really understand her daughter's sadness. She'd been so excited to come to the 'baby party', if a little dismayed at the fact that baby Adam wouldn't actually be at the party. Well, as an independent being that Zola could see and play with anyway.

"I thought you wanted to help open the presents?"

"Me do!" Zola mumbled, twisting and kicking her legs. This had all the makings of a temper tantrum. Now was the time to nip things in the bud.

"Use your words..." Meredith prodded.

"Sofia..." was the only discernible word out of a slew of whimpers. But it was all that Meredith needed. She knew that her daughter had been having her first experiences with the green eyed monster lately.

"Is Sofia doing something that bothers you?"

"Crumpling da papers wif us," Zola sniffled. Meredith had a feeling she knew where this was going.

"With you and Aunt Lexie?" The child nodded.

"That sounds fun," Meredith said putting a positive spin on the thing, giving a pointed look toward Cristina.

"Oh, yeah," she agreed, somewhat unconvincingly. "Garbage patrol. Tons of fun."

"No!" Zola shook her head and glared. "She's my Aunt Lexie!"

Mark and Lexie's renewed relationship was going well, and most everyone was happy for them and supportive about it. Meredith and Derek. Callie and Arizona. Cristina and Owen. April and Alex. Bailey, Webber, and even Jackson. All of them. And everyone had a pretty good inkling that things were serious between them. So everyone was pretty pleased that Sofia had accepted Lexie into her life very effortlessly. Which was good, considering the direction everyone knew that this whole thing was probably going. Long term. So they were pleased. But, the one person who didn't seem to be on board with the whole thing was Zola. She'd always had a special bond with her aunt, and it was clear that she felt threatened by her best friend.

"She is your Aunt Lexie. And she always will be," Meredith said carefully. "But don't you think Sofia wanted to have fun with the wrapping paper too?"

Zola crossed her arms and pouted.

"It would have been mean if only you and Aunt Lexie were allowed to have fun right? Don't you think that would have made Sofia sad?"

Thoughtfully, her daughter shrugged, and wiped her eyes.

"Aunt Lexie is special, right?" Meredith continued. "Sofia doesn't have one. You can be a big girl and share Aunt Lexie can't you?"

Big girl was the magic word these days. Zola yearned to do big girl things. She wanted people to treat her as a big girl, and so far was willing to at least try to act in a way that would help with that. She remained cuddled up to Meredith's neck for a long time, seemingly thinking over her mother's words. After the moment, Zola sniffled and nodded.

"Good girl," Meredith said, rubbing Zola's back. "Nothing Aunt Lexie does with Sofia will ever make her feel any different about you. She can play with both of you. She can love both of you."

"Okay..." Zola's tears were almost gone now, and she was staring through the open front door, watching the rest of the party with renewed interest.

Meredith gave her a squeeze and whispered in her ear, "What's happening right now? Can you see?"

"Um..Apol opening...huh! She opening our pessent Mommy!"

"Don't you want to go inside for that?"

"Yeah!" Zola didn't need anymore encouragement. She was out of Meredith's lap and heading for the door as quickly as she'd come out.

When Zola scampered back into the house, Cristina smirked again, "Hardcore."

Meredith only shrugged, "Surgeon, toddler-wrangler, extraordinaire!"

The next person to come out of the house was Alex, carrying one of the gifts and absent mindedly opening the box, tearing at the cardboard like it had done something terrible to him. His brow was creased and he looked agitated. Meredith didn't think too much of it. He wasn't really comfortable in these sorts of situations. Baby showers and all that. Blue balloons, streamers, onsie decorating. Even if he had planned it. Or rather, asked Meredith and Jackson to.

"Evil Spawn, you have baby shower overload too?"

"Eh, yeah. Whatever," Alex leaned forward on his toes, scanning the street in front of the house. "Mail get here yet?"

"No," Meredith snorted. "Alex, you do realize that you're holding a breast pump, don't you? I don't think you guys quite need to open that just yet..."

"Oh," Alex glanced down at the box in his hand, as though he was noticing it for the very first time. His efforts to open the thing stilled and he tucked it under his arm. "This new mail guy. He's never freakin' on time..."

"How dull is your life?" Cristina teased. "You know what time your mail comes. Little Spawn has already made you soft..."

"Shut up," Alex snapped scratching the side of his head and glancing up and down the street again, before storming back into the house in a huff. Cristina only shrugged and rolled her eyes. It wasn't the first time their friend had snapped at them. Wouldn't be the last.

Meredith turned to look at Cristina again, resuming their previous topic of discussion, "So...do you think you'll miss Stanford a lot?"

Cristina bit her lip and looked out to the street, "Duh, it's Stanford. State of the art. Cutting edge everything."

"I mean, you are still coming back here right?" she replied, deciding that now was as good a time as any to voice her fears.

Meredith knew it was a selfish thing, but she really couldn't wait for her friend to come back. Life in Seattle without Cristina just wasn't the same. And she'd been hearing rumblings about Owen possibly stepping down from being Chief of Surgery, which had made her wonder whether Hunt might be the one moving at the end of Cristina's fellowship. After all, they couldn't deal with a long distance marriage forever, could they? Not when they'd each compromised so much to stay together. Meredith could only wish that her person and her husband would choose to be in Seattle.

Cristina smiled, but the sentiment didn't quite reach her eyes, "Owen and I are talking about it. He...sometimes being the Chief is hard for him..."

"I think he is doing okay," Meredith hastily added. She'd never really been Owen Hunt's biggest fan over the years, but she couldn't say that he was doing a bad job as Chief of Surgery. Granted he was no Webber, but no one else could really ever be. Hunt was making his own way and it was making a difference. Then again, maybe she only felt this way because she wanted them to stay.

"Well, I think so too," Cristina nodded. "He's just having growing pains. He'll get over it."

That didn't sound like someone who thought Owen would be leaving his position at Seattle Grace anytime soon, "He's going to have to, huh?"

"Well," Cristina shrugged. "He might not know it yet, but yes. I want to come back. He's a good Chief. He'll keep being a good Chief. And Stanford is way too close to my mother. We do better living in different states."

"I'm glad," Meredith admitted.

"No...really?" Cristina joked. "I wouldn't leave you here alone forever with Evil Spawn, Mary Poppins and the bright and shiny club. And besides, someone needs to be around to make sure Little Spawn grows up with the right priorities..."

Meredith only laughed. She was happy to have her best friend with her today, and even more happy to know that it sounded like Cristina really did want to come back to live in Seattle. She was as invested in their friendship and life here as Meredith was, which was all Meredith needed to hear. Cristina slowly rose to her feet and offered Meredith a hand.

"I suppose we have to go in there and act all 'oh isn't that cute'. Save face and all that. For Kepner," she said as Meredith took her hand gratefully.

"Some of it is very cute. I mean, did you see what they're doing with the nursery? Little Froggies..." Meredith couldn't help but gush, because it was true. Maybe it was just because she'd become a mother herself, but she did think that baby clothing and all of that could be adorable. Especially since Zola was getting so big now. And Alex and April were getting boy stuff. With Zola and Sofia, Meredith mostly saw girly things. Cristina made a huffing noise and headed into the house. Meredith was about to follow her in when she noticed the postman headed up the street.

"Here's Alex's precious mail," she called to her friend. "I'll grab it."

Meredith carefully grabbed the handful of envelopes and adds from the mail box at the end of the driveway and turned to bring them into Alex. One envelope was particularly large and heavy and fell to the ground. Bending over to retrieve the thick packet Meredith couldn't help but read the sender's name. Her face, fell and she lifted the envelope for a closer read. Yes, it did say it was from the American Pediatric Surgical Association. And if Meredith wasn't mistaken, it was a welcome packet for a conference. A conference at the end of May. Which was a surprise considering that the baby's due date was only weeks before. It didn't seem like something he'd register to do. No wonder he was so eager to get his mail.

What are you doing Alex? Biting her lip, Meredith tucked all the mail under her arms and headed into her old house. Most of the party was gathered in the living room. Cristina had settled in on a spot next to her husband, while Callie, Arizona, and Mara occupied another space, while Mark and Lexie sat somewhere else. Zola seemed to have gotten over her earlier jealousy because now she was happily playing with Sofia and the discarded wrapping paper. Meredith could make out the figures of Bailey, her husband, Jackson, Dr. Warren, and a few nurses and interns in the kitchen. In the middle sat April and Alex, surrounded by assorted baby paraphernalia.

"Look Meredith!" April said, happily holding up one of her gifts. "A video baby monitor...I didn't even know they made these. My sister's all used the ones that just have sound. It's so cool!"

"Great," Alex snarked. "Kid'll be on candid camera. We'll be able to watch his every move..."

"You're welcome and you'll love it, Karev," Callie said sagely. "Sometimes hearing alone does not give you the full picture."

Arizona, and Meredith both vigorously nodded in agreement. Her movement caught Alex's attention and his eyes momentarily widened as he noticed the stack of papers in her arms.

"I have your mail by the way."

As April moved to unwrap another present, he hopped up from the couch and quickly made his way to her side. He swallowed and roughly took the mail from her hands offering only a muttered "Whatever..." before he disappeared into the study. He was clearly trying to look less agitated about the whole thing than he really was. Meredith could tell he didn't want anyone to see the conference packet.

Smiling at everyone, Meredith non-nonchalantly followed him into the study, doing her best not to draw attention to it all. She found him sitting at the desk looking miserable. The partially open packet lay on the table in front of him and he held his head in his hands. Not the way you'd expect a guy to act at his almost wife's baby shower, which lent credence to Meredith's worst suspicions about her friends participation in this conference.

"What are you doing, Alex?" she asked quietly, after shutting the door behind her.

He didn't make eye contact and muttered, "None of your freakin' business."

Meredith tilted her head, "Maybe not. But I do think it's April's business...and it doesn't seem to me like she knows you are going to this."

"Whatever."

"No, not whatever," she said firmly. "You are about to become a parent. And a husband. Trust me, communication is important."

Alex scowled and stared at the papers again before slowly lifting his gaze to hers, "I don't know what the hell I am doing, Mer. I screwed up. I don't know if I can do any of this."

"Tell April that." He only glared in response.

Meredith didn't really understand what was going on with Alex exactly, but she could theorize. He always did have a tendency to self sabotage. And she had come from a screwed up background, like him. She knew it was scary to embrace a different sort of life when it came to you. How long had Meredith herself struggled to be sure she wanted Derek? Or Zola for that matter? She'd made her own series of mistakes along the way. Tampering with trials, fighting with Derek, and sort of kidnapping her daughter, just to start. Maybe she could help Alex with his. It wasn't easy for people like them, Meredith knew. It wasn't easy to settle into a life that had seemed so foreign and unobtainable for so long. It wasn't easy believe, and when you didn't believe you tried to protect yourself. Which could easily backfire.

"Alex?" April's laughter filled voice drifted in from the living room. "I need you..."

The words seemed to make Alex stiffen and he stared sheepishly up at the door when it cracked open and April's head peered in.

"All the gifts are set, and I think everyone's ready to bust into the cake now. I mean...I know I am. Can you carry up some of this stuff to the baby's room? I'm a little stiff and uh, well, fewer trips upstairs make the most sense..." Tapping the handle of her cane, April looked at Alex tentatively, and Meredith realized that while her friend might not know about his conference, she definitely knew that something was up with Alex. And it all made Meredith just want to shake him, because he was messing this up, and she just knew that this was not the thing he wanted to mess up. They way April looked at Alex...no, this was not the relationship he should ever be self sabotaging. This was his shot at what Cristina would call the Mclife.

"Yeah," he replied after just a beat too long for the silence to have felt organic. "I got it."

The awkward energy didn't seem to escape April, even though she blinked and grinned as she backed away from the study, "Thank you!"

Alex rose from his chair and looked at Meredith darkly before moving to the door. She tried to speak again, "Alex, everyone gets freaked out a little right before-"

"I don't wanna hear it."

Meredith sighed as he left her alone in the study without another word. He 'd basically said he was afraid. And Alex didn't like being afraid. He was closing off again. From her, from April. It was just what he did when he felt fear. He'd get closed off and pissy, and for some reason mess up the things he had going for him. She hoped for Alex, April, and her little godson's sake that he could get it worked out.

Alex didn't really go for psychology. Shrinks and their diagnoses. Talk out your feelings and all that. Crap. But he had to wonder as he leaned against the kitchen sink now, in the midst of a huge fight with April, whether or not there really was some truth in the whole subconscious action idea. Because he'd been too chicken to tell April about his agreeing to go to the APSA conference. He'd lied by omission for way too long. Which he knew would make the whole stupid crappy situation even worse. This had been bad in March. The month that followed didn't make it any better. And now it was May...and still he kept mum.

The crappy thing was, Alex didn't really know the why of any of it. He'd lied right through the baby shower, and April's birthday, and now they were within spitting distance of this actually being real. Of actually being responsible for a brand new living, breathing baby. Adam. His son. Things were set. Alex had finished painting George's old room green, and he'd got the crib set up. April had read a veritable library of material on parenting, and she'd already taken their cars twice to one of those police check in places to make sure the car seats were in safely. Alex had accompanied her to various classes on breathing or whatever, listened to April voice her fears about parenthood and jacked up knees and the dangers of this product or that one. April had helped Alex put crap together, by reading the instructions out loud to him, and handing him the tools he needed, treating the nursery construction like the inside of an OR. She'd scaled back to admin only duties at work. And with the due date less than three weeks away, bags for the hospital were all packed and ready, waiting by the front door. He'd lied, by keeping quiet, through all of it.

Alex had failed to tell April anything. Even though Mer was bugging him to. Even though Robbins was practically blacklisting him from the best cases, no matter that he was right at the end of his freakin' fellowship, or that he was an attending. Even though every time he saw April or let her guide his hands to the strangely undulating skin of her stomach to feel their child move, he'd wanted to tell her. To apologize even. Because he knew he'd messed up. He'd opened his mouth so many freakin' times to find that no words would come out. Not the right ones anyway. He just didn't know how. He didn't have the words. And Alex knew that April and Adam deserved better. But still...he said nothing. Maybe he'd secretly wished Mer or Robbins would spill the beans. Maybe he was just that much of an ass. Maybe people can't really change.

It was only when April had accidentally discovered his welcome packet, complete with his registration, hotel information, plane tickets and travel itinerary, in one of her 'nesting' induced cleaning sprees, that Alex finally started to talk. That was maybe the subconscious part. If there was any truth to the mumbo jumbo. Because while he had lied, Alex had never really put any effort into hiding the stuff. He left them where April might find them. And in the end she had, and that's when things started to spectacularly fall apart.

The fight hadn't actually started off that bad. Alex had been sitting on the couch trying to finish putting together a baby swing, while listening to some stupid musical that April had on the tv. April was limping badly these days, well, half limping-half waddling, completely dependent on her cane, and not so great at standing for long periods of time. Not quite like it had been back last year when she'd relearned to walk, but bad enough that her leg ached more often than not. Which meant that she typically settled down and sat in a room or spot, and communicated to Alex by yelling to other rooms in the house, rather than coming into the room to speak with him in a normal tone. Which could be a little annoying, even if he understood it.

"Alex," April had called through the open study door. "What's all this APSA stuff? You-you're not..you're going to this?"

He'd winced and sniffed uncomfortably, partially glad to finally have been caught out, and pissed to have to talk about it, "Yeah...for the Africa Project. Publicity and stuff. Get our names out there."

"Oh." He could hear her swallow. "I see." Papers rustled.

Alex sat down his tools knowing that this silence wasn't the end of it. He'd figured April was reading through the crap and any second she'd call out again. Sure enough the next thing he knew...

"But...but this says it starts on the 29th," April continued. Alex had closed his eyes and bit his lip. The whole story was slowly dawning on her. "And it lasts for a week! I mean, at most the baby will be like two or three weeks old...Doesn't the board know you're having a baby soon?"

Sucking in a deep breath through his nose, Alex had said simply, "They know."

"They know?" He heard the chair scrapping and soon April was carefully limping her pregnant body out of the study. She spoke slowly rambling her way around facts that Alex already knew, "If they know, why would they make you go? It's not a surgical duty, and really isn't part of the curriculum of your fellowship, so they really can't make you go..."

Alex had shrugged, and avoided eye contact. Staring at the tv with a suddenly intense determination, he'd watched some guy dancing around in a God-damn barn singing to God about being rich. Anything was better than facing April's hurt gaze. He didn't need to see it to know what it looked like. Confusion, hurt, mind going a mile a minute behind her eyes.

"Unless..." He knew April was fitting together all the pieces now as she'd spoken again, softer this time, with more of an edge to her words. "Unless the board isn't making you go..."

Alex swallowed, "It's for the project."

And so it had all come out. Alex had admitted to volunteering to go, and that he'd known about it all for a while. Since March. Which clearly ticked April off. And for some reason, her anger made him angry. It was his freaking career; his project. One week away in the grand scheme of things surely wouldn't make that much difference in Adam's life. Or April's. They weren't glued at the freaking hip. And whatever, if April said it was more the principle of the thing than the actual thing. For her, the omitting was the worst of his offenses. More than anything else.

She didn't even really know the right thing to be mad about as far as Alex was concerned. Because really, it should freakin' bother her that he'd gone into that meeting and agreed to all of that without thinking of April and the baby first. And it should also worry her that he still didn't really understand why he'd done any of it in the first place. That he didn't even understand why he was so pissed off right now. She'd said that, to her, it was all equally bad. And then she'd said Alex had absolutely no business telling her what she should and should not be angry about. And then the fight had escalated. Big time.

Now, April sat at the kitchen table looking flushed, deflated, and beautiful. Beneath his anger, Alex felt terrible. She was huge. As pregnant as pregnant freakin' gets. Bloated, tired, uncomfortable. Her organs getting poked at all day by increasingly strong little limbs. McCaw had said way back in the beginning that stress was a worry for her. Blood pressure and crap. Right now, the last thing she needed to be doing was fighting with him. But once Alex's rage bubbled up in his chest it was hard to control.

"I..." she blinked rapidly, mouth opening and closing as she seemed to search for just the right words to express her feelings. Finally April shrugged and shook her head. "I'm not really sure what to think, Alex. I'm not even really mad that you...volunteered to go to this thing. It's...apparently I'm not important enough for you to even talk to. You didn't say anything about this conference. Anything. I mean, did you just think you'd never say a word about going and then just suddenly disappear for a week? I need to know things like this, Alex. Just tell my why you never even said-"

He couldn't stop himself. That was it. Something inside Alex just went off. Snapped. It was because of everything. His crappy childhood of looking after his mom and siblings. His struggles to prove himself as a surgeon. Getting shot. Taking care of Ava or Rebecca or whatever. Taking care of Iz when she had cancer. Helping April after the earthquake. Beating the shit out of his old man so he'd go away. Watching Lucy steal his job. Messing up things for Mer's adoption. It was all just too much. Alex couldn't take it anymore. Freakin' everybody needing him. He'd made a vow after April had gotten hurt to be nicer. Operation don't be a douche-bag. Or whatever. Because he'd figured out how he felt about her. Alex had figured out that he'd cared. Now, he was afraid that he was crossing that line. Being a jerk.

"You need me and you need me and you need me! I can't freakin' do it all the time. I can't take care of everything and think of everyone else all the freakin' time!" he shouted spinning to face April, waving his hands in the air.

It pained Alex to watch April. She leaned back in surprise as he yelled, sadness and concern over taking the anger that had been on her face before.

"I thought you needed me too..." she said so quietly that in his anger, Alex decided to ignore it.

"It was a mistake, okay? Why did I do it? How'd I end up volunteering for this crap?" he continued. "Because...because the whole time, I was worried about you being freakin' mad at me for not having another stupid quickie. And about how I can't freakin' afford our own place because my mother went bat shit and tried to kidnap you, and I gotta pay for her to be in a home. And Aaron. And Amber's school. And how I'm building stupid strollers... I was thinking about all this...crap when I shoulda been thinking about my game in that meeting. My game in the whole project. It's too much. I can't think of everything."

Granted, Alex hadn't really actively been thinking about all that stuff right before that specific meeting. But he realized now that those thoughts were all always there, bubbling just below he surface of everything, weighting him down and growing heavier and heavier, like an anchor. Crushing him. Suffocating him. Leaving him stuck and stranded. He hated that more than anything at all.

Alex stared at his feet and spoke softer, but with no less of an edge to his voice, "I went in there and it was like...Lucy was getting everything. Praise, responsibility...credit. She got everything."

"You have things she doesn't," April murmured. Maybe that was true right now...but Alex realized that he was afraid that right now might not last forever. It never did. Even though he desperately wanted it to.

"It's my work. I don't just do Peds stuff because...I mean when I invest in something, I choose to care. For a long time my work is all I had. It's all I can depend on. And if I start to slack off? I've had to earn every single thing I've got. If I don't do the best freakin' job...it might not be there when..."

"When what, Alex?" April asked, sounding tired and exasperated. She placed her elbow on the table and rested her head on a curled up fist, staring at Alex like he was a completely different person, willing him to explain.

"And if you and me...If we...I never had something that didn't freakin' fall apart...something has to survive..."

Alex realized that maybe this was the heart of the whole issue. Why he did it, and why he'd lied. The one fear that his messed up coward of a self couldn't quite let go of. He was afraid the bottom would fall out of this someday. That April would see what an ass he was, or get tired of his crazy family. Or maybe he'd turn out to be headed the same direction of his old man and he would have to be the one who messed things up. Deep down Alex was afraid that sooner or later all this togetherness and whatever would end. And when April went, Adam would go with her. He'd get left behind. He was terrified of that actually. And that was why his work, the project, and all that, mattered. Because when it did get all messed up, what would Alex be left with? If he didn't get April and Adam forever, what did Alex have? People float in and out of your story, but if you did good work, that was yours.

"What?" April interjected incredulously. "So if I left, you think you'd still have your work?"

Alex stared at his feet and shrugged. She didn't get it. She didn't know what it was like to be left with nothing. Discarded and alone. She didn't understand how that drove you to take care of yourself. To lash out first, in advance of pain.

Sighing heavily, April held her head in both her hands, "I thought we were past this. I want to marry you, Alex. I love you, Alex."

He knew that. He loved her too. He just... couldn't let go of his fears. Alex supposed that made him a chicken shit. But, her words might have worked to silence his fear if it was just them. Not when it was also his mom and his brother, and a freakin' kid who might be stuck with the same nuts brain as them, which would be his fault. And if that happened, it would make April resent him. Or it was him and his dad and her dad, and there was just no way he could ever live up to the kind of image April knew to be fatherhood. Because Joe Kepner was like freakin' Buddha and even good guys would be hard pressed to match up with that. Let alone bruisers who grew up in Davenport, and had to do to foster care for beating up their own dad. Eventually April would see that. Once they had Adam. And worst of all, eventually Adam would see too.

"You say that now...but after years of freakin' dealing with my crap you'll feel differently..."

"I don't care. I want to help. I love you and your family and all your...crap. We..." she said breathlessly, before trailing off. April moved one arm to her stomach. She was big enough now that when she did, she had to wrap her arm around the bump. It always looked like she was cradling Adam, and Alex couldn't explain the multitude of feelings he got when seeing that. He had to clear his throat.

"We're going to be a family. And there will be good times and bad ones. That's how it works. I want all of it because that is what a life with you means, and I want a life with you."

Alex shook his head, "You can't know what the future holds."

"Neither can you."

Only, Alex thought he could, or at least that he knew better because he'd lived in the dingy, stifling house, and he'd heard the sounds of his parents fighting, and he'd taken the hits he needed in wrestling so he could get the money to follow his dreams, and he'd taken the chance on love once before and he'd gotten the note in his locker and the divorce papers in the mail. And while he couldn't picture a life without April and Adam in it, he knew that there was no security. The road might be long or short, but he knew how things would inevitably go. And yet...Alex had the sickening feeling that maybe he himself was sewing the seeds of their destruction right now. Maybe this is what Mer meant when she'd told him he often "self sabotaged". If that wasn't just psychology crap.

Sighing again, April pulled herself into a standing position, resting her free hand on the side of her belly and wincing. She walked out of the kitchen and grabbed her car keys, "I'm tired of having to prove to you that I am not leaving, Alex."

"You're leaving now." It was a statement not a question. He felt like his fears were playing out right in front of him. Right now. God damn it.

"Maybe I am!" April said, shakily opening the front door. "I can't deal with this. I'm leaving because I think we both need to calm down."

Stuffing his hands into his pockets, Alex followed her to the driveway. He didn't reach out to touch her, even though he wanted her to stay. He just...couldn't. He couldn't ask her to. He didn't know how. Tilting his head to one side as she slid into her car Alex said, "You can barely fit behind the freakin' steering wheel."

Slamming the door and pulling the car into gear, April said, "I'll manage."

Then she backed into the street and drove away, leaving Alex alone in the driveway. Crap. He ran his hands through his hair, and walked back into the house. He sank back down on the couch, just as a bunch of people were singing about some freakin' wedding or something. Next to the couch sat the half finished baby swing. Crap, crap, crap. What the hell did he just do?

April took deep calming breaths as she drove. Her heart was still racing. She knew she needed to calm herself down before...well, she needed to get cooled off. To think. She needed to think and to process and to figure out just how things had gone so wrong. Because it wasn't about just the conference. Alex had basically just admitted to April that he expected her to leave him eventually, which was the exact opposite of what she'd been spending the last two years trying to show him. She needed a minute. She needed not to cry. Not while she was driving anyway. Even though she really wanted to.

She wasn't blind, she'd known things had been off between them for at least a month. But with the stress and the baby coming...all the books said some strain between the parents was normal. Her sisters all said so too. And her mom and dad. April had not realized just how much she'd underestimated everything. Did Alex really think that April would someday bail on him? Like what, did he think she'd just get tired of it all and have done with it? After everything they'd been through...it was just astounding. They were having a child for goodness sake. It had taken her so long to find the nice guy beneath it all. To get him to open up and share himself with her. April had thought Alex understood that she wasn't someone who would leave him behind. Clearly, she hadn't proven to him that this was true, but she really had no idea what more she could possibly do. And she realized now, that she really didn't like being doubted. She doubted herself enough. She didn't need Alex to do it too.

As though he could sense his mother's distress, April felt her son move sharply, kicking out one leg. Or maybe it was his arm. Something pointy anyway. Sort of. But he was getting so big now, running out of room, and April could tell Adam was having a hard time doing the sorts of gymnastic moves he'd been able to do mere weeks ago. It was still a little over two weeks away from the 'official' due date, but Dr. McCaw said that they should be ready for the birth at anytime because due dates were hardly ever right on the money, even when you were reasonably sure of conception dates. All babies grew at their own rates. April sighed. Some home her baby would be born into.

Without really meaning to, April found that she'd driven herself to Jackson and Mara's apartment. After debating whether or not she should go inside, since she hadn't called or texted or anything, she decided that right now she needed her friend. She'd apologize for bad manners later. As she headed inside the gray Seattle night began to drizzle. Maybe the sky was as sad as April was. Walking slowly, she made her way into the elevator, and pressed the button that would take her to the third floor. The elevator made it's slow assent, and April rubbed a sudden ache in her lower back, sniffling furiously and willing herself not to cry.

By the time the doors opened on the 3rd floor however, April could feel the tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes. Biting her lip she knocked on the door, and by the time Mara swung it open, carrying a glass of wine with a smile on her lips, April was full blown sobbing, the usual incoherent blubbering mess she became when she panicked and had tears.

"Oh, my Dear. Come on in," the smile fell from Mara's face and she placed a gentle hand around April's shoulders, leading her swiftly into the apartment. She helped April settle down on the couch and called to the kitchen. "Jackson, darling! April's here...I suspect she is rather unhappy at the moment..."

Jackson's perplexed face appeared around the kitchen doorway. The moment he made eye contact with April, he dropped whatever he was doing and seemed to fly to her side, running a comforting hand down her good knee and squeezing. "What happened?"

To her dismay, as she glanced over to the dining table and saw the candles and the plates and smelled the food that was coming from the kitchen, April realized that she was probably interrupting a nice dinner between Jackson and Mara. Because they were the kind of couple that did that more than once in a blue moon. They were the kind of couple that did that and lived in a practically spotless apartment with no dirty socks, scribble filled notebooks, used post it notes, stacks of dvds, or empty cheetos bags laying around. It made her feel suddenly guilty.

"I'm...I'm sorry," April managed to squeak out, gesturing at the table. "I-I d-don't mean to interrupt."

"Nonsense," Mara said briskly, rising from the couch and heading to the kitchen. "Obviously something is wrong and you need a friend. I can spare my evening with Jackson for that. I'll just go put the kettle on. Leave you two to it..."

The one thing April would always be enormously grateful to Mara for was the fact that she seemed to innately understand how deep her friendship with Jackson actually went. Alex had never seemed to mind Jackson either. He always understood that Jackson was her best friend. He'd been there since Mercy West. And after Reed. And with her leg. Literally he was as good as her brother. Better than some of her own actual brother's in law. She trusted him completely. Even to take care of her child in the worst case scenario. While it was clear that Mara didn't really understand April and Jackson, she never acted threatened by it at all, and April appreciated the tolerance.

"Hey...April," Jackson said, tilting his head sympathetically, after she cried onto his shoulder for a few minutes. "What's wrong? Are you feeling okay?"

"Alex..." April sniffled, struggling to control her breathing, and shifting against the return of the pain she felt in her back. "He doesn't understand that I...he thinks his work...he think's I am going to leave him...in the end...after everything I've tried..."

Jackson frowned, offering her a tissue as he asked, "Okay...and this? This isn't you leaving him is it?"

"No!" April shook her head, wiping her eyes. "I don't want leave him. Why is that part so hard to understand? We had a fight. It was stressful...I'm not supposed to stress because of the baby and...so I...got out for a little..."

"Okay...okay. That makes sense," Jackson agreed, squeezing her shoulder again. April sniffled a little more, but after a few more minutes she calmed down and he spoke again. "Do you think you can tell me a little bit more about what happened?"

She shrugged, "Alex is going to a conference on the 29th..."

Jackson's brow furrowed, "Of this month?"

"Yes...he agreed to do it months ago, and he didn't say a word to me about anything...since apparently I distract him from 'his game' at work. And maybe I need him too much or...everything is too much...and I mean, I don't even know if I am too needy or not..."

"You're pregnant," Jackson shrugged. "Neediness is allowed..."

"Aside from that though...what if I-what if I am just too demanding? I mean, I know...I know I am not always the most confident person, and sometimes I need a lot of feed back..."

"You've gotten much better though."

"But Jackson it's...more than that...I can't...Alex is just hard to completely understand. He'd hard."

Her best friend didn't say anything allowing April to continue to speak at her own pace, "He thinks he has to, I don't know, outdo Lucy Fields or something...because in the end...he thinks all he'll be left with is his freaking career! I don't...I need to trust that he trusts in us too, you know? I can't spend my life being constantly tested because he thinks I'm gonna leave him."

"No," Jackson murmured. "That's not really fair to you."

"And it's not the kind of family life I want to model for my son," April continued softly. "One parent always waiting for things to end, and the other constantly trying to prove that it won't? I thought...I've helped his sister, and I know about his mom and his brother and their past and...everything. I've tried to be there for him. I thought I was. I don't know how to help more...I don't know what else I can do, Jackson."

She shook her head, and took deep breaths to stave off another round of tears and to slow her racing heart beat. April was tired, and her back hurt and her feet hurt, and maybe this whole thing wouldn't feel so very bad if she wasn't 9 months pregnant, or if she'd found out how Alex felt sooner or...something. Maybe if things were somehow different it all wouldn't hurt quite so much.

"Maybe there isn't anything else you can do, April," he said quietly.

"So what?" April said sharply. "You think I should leave him? We had a fight, okay? I love him Jackson. I thought you understood that, and-"

"I'm not saying you leave him..." Jackson continued, in that calm, mildly irritating 'I am an Avery and I got this' sort of way. It had always annoyed her when they were residents because it usually meant that she was panicking or hyperventilating and he was being right. "He's been good for you. You've been good for him. You're good for each other. But you yourself have said, Alex doesn't even tell you much about his past. I'm saying you can't fix everything. It's not a pressure you should be putting on yourself. And...I don't think it's a pressure he is asking you to put on yourself."

April frowned. She never really thought of herself as trying to fix Alex. At least not in those terms. But now that Jackson had actually spelled it out in those terms, she realized that maybe she was. In a way. She just thought that he deserved to be happy, and to be free of his difficult past, and all the hangups that went with it.

"Guy's got a rough past," Jackson said. "It's his past though. It's messed with his head. You can support Alex. Love him, be there for him, even have a family with him and all that. But I think he is the one who needs to get help. The ball is in his court if things are really getting in his head that much. He's the one who has to ultimately work through it."

"You mean...like he should...see a psychologist or something?" April asked.

He shrugged, "Maybe. Might not be a bad idea. Maybe both of you should go."

"Jackson! He hates psychology! He would never-"

"What does he have to lose?" Jackson said, looking pointedly at April's large belly. "And what does he have to gain? I think you can point that out...Ask him what kind of family life he wants. I don't think he wants to model this for the baby anymore than you do. But, working through it, getting help and everything...that would be a different model. Parents who are trying to make it work, I think, is as good an example as any for a child..."

"I don't know Jackson..."

April considered the idea. She didn't think Alex would ever in a million years agree to it. Personal counseling, couples counseling or any of it. With his own family's background of mental illness he might even think it was one step too far in that direction. He'd never agree to go because he'd feel like it was admitting he was as 'crazy' as the rest of them. But at the same time April didn't think she should just let it drop. Alex had basically admitted that he didn't have faith in her. In them. She never thought she would marry someone who didn't think that the commitment was for life. Not until he believed. And as much as she loved Alex, until he fully believed in them, she wasn't sure she could go through with it. Even though April loved Alex. Even though they were having a baby. Which was a terrible thought. They had to try something.

Her heart raced, the pain flared in her back again, and April sighed, "I just don't know. I guess, I should probably go talk to him, one way or another. Before he thinks I really have left him."

Sensing that she was still feeling distressed, Jackson insisted on driving April home in her car, with Mara following along behind to take him back. When they pulled into the driveway of Meredith's house, they could see that the lights to the front porch had been flipped on. And Alex's car was still in the garage. April decided to take both as a positive sign. Positive enough.

Still, she was slow to get out of the car, leaning forward to ease the small pain in her lower back as the baby shifted. Jackson eyed her suspiciously, "Do you feel okay? Are you sure you wanna go back right now? You're more than welcome to-"

April swallowed, unfastened her seat belt and carefully got out of the car, "It's okay, Jackson. Thank you. Really..."

He shrugged and watched as she walked up to the front door, only getting into his girlfriend's car when he saw that April had unlocked the front door and stepped inside. Waving sadly, April watched them leave. Jackson was a good friend. He really was. Shutting the door quietly behind her, April ventured further into the house. Alex didn't seem to be downstairs, even though the tv still flickered, displaying the dvd menu of Fiddler on the Roof, the film having long since ended. Flinging her purse on the couch, April leaned her head into the kitchen to find it empty. No Alex.

"Alex?" she called out, peering into the study and the backyard, and seeing no Alex. He must be upstairs. Sighing and rubbing her back, April gripped her cane, and painstakingly limped up the stairs. It seemed like no part of this whole mess wanted to be easy. From her being what felt like 100 months pregnant, to the conference being at the end of the month, and Alex revealing his fears. Even walking up to deal with it was painful.

Unlike downstairs, where all the lights, tv and everything was bright, up here everything was dark, the only light coming from the streetlamps shining through open window blinds. April cautiously stepped down the hallway, taking a quick peek into the master bedroom, even though she didn't expect to find Alex. He wasn't there. April had a good idea of exactly where he might go, and judging by the muffled sounds she could hear coming from the nursery, she knew she was right.

Carefully opening the door, April was surprised at what she found. Alex was standing in one corner, with his back facing her. He was...he couldn't be...it was the very last thing she expected to find him doing.

"Are you crying?" Wincing at the tinge in her lower back, April stepped into the room. It looked like Alex had finished putting together the swing. Reaching out one hand she pushed the side and watched the cradle part walk back and forth.

When Alex turned around to face her, April could clearly see the tear tracks that ran down his cheeks as they reflected the dim light from outside that came in through the room's open window. He was crying. Actually crying. The only other time, April could actually ever remember him crying was way back when they first started dating, and he told her a little about his family for the first time. It was literally the only memory that came to mind, and even then the tears hadn't been like this.

Characteristically, Alex wiped his eyes with the heels of his palms, and recovered from his tears, turning to face April, "I screwed up. Just like I always freakin' do. I screw up the good things I have. It's what I always freaking do."

Biting her lip, April took two steps, closing the gap between them, and reaching her free hand up to his cheek where she wiped away a remaining tear with her thumb.

"You came back."

April felt a stab of guilt at the genuine tone of surprise she heard in his voice, "Of course I did."

"I wasn't so sure you would."

"I wish you could be."

"Me too."

April sighed and looked up at Alex's face, "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to freakin' apologize. I'm the one that kept the conference a secret. I should be sorry. I am sorry."

She rubbed her back and moved to sit down in the rocking chair that sat near the window. April yawned, and rocked the chair a little, frowning and listening to the small creaks the floor made as the chair moved. She didn't really know what to say, so she just watched as Alex reached into the wooden frog decorated toy chest and pulled out a stuffed rabbit, turning it over and over in his hands, like it held the answer to everything.

Finally Alex shook his head, returning the toy to the chest, "He's gonna hate me...Adam's gonna hate me."

"No, he's not."

"I hate my Dad."

"He's not going to hate you."

"You don't understand..."

April, winced and rubbed her back. It was the same conversation over and over again. She didn't understand everything about his past. She was starting to wonder if Alex really understood it, or if it was just something he kept shut away in some small compartment in the back of his mind. Hoping that if it stayed there it wouldn't affect him. But the thing was, and April thought she might understand that part better now, Alex's past did affect him. It was the root of a lot of his actions, even if he didn't always think about it.

Taking a deep breath, she finally said, "I'm not leaving...I'm not. But, we have to work on this Alex. I'm not sure I can...be with someone who always doubts me. Doubts us. It's not fair to the baby. We have to do something about this."

Alex was eyeing her seriously now, pouting slightly with lowered brows, "April..."

She held up one hand, hissing at the flare of pain in her back and determined not to be interrupted, "I know you hate therapy and shrinks and counseling, but honestly Alex, I don't know how else we can really get past this..."

His frown intensified, and Alex tilted his head to one side in concern, "April-"

"No, listen to me Alex. I know it's a terrible time to add just one more thing to the list of issues we have to deal with. We're already worried about enough, but I want you to agree to try, okay? I think it's the only thing we can do to really sort all this out. When the baby is born, we'll try seeing a psychologist, okay?"

"April-"

"Will you try, Alex?" April cut him off again, afraid of his answer.

"Yeah sure. Whatever. Now, April-"

"I'm being serious."

Alex reached his hand to hers and squatted in front of the rocking chair watching her closely, "I said yes, alright! I'll do it!"

A rush of relief rushed through April, as Alex bit his lip and squeezed her wrist, saying quietly, "Now, let me ask you something, okay? What's the deal with your back?"

"What do you mean? It's just some pain. He's probably just shifting funny against my spine or something."

"He hasn't really done that before...Are you sure it's just your back?"

Okay, so maybe it wasn't quite the characteristic sort of jab April was used to, but that wasn't weird. It was late in the pregnancy.

"So? Space is running out."

"And he's started twisting on a regular basis?" Alex continued, urgently. "Because, you've been wincing about every five minutes..."

Something clicked in her mind, and April felt her heart begin to race. She had been feeling the tightening ache on a fairly regular timeline throughout the evening. But...the due date wasn't for another two weeks and surely things were already complicated enough for tonight.

"What do you mean? Alex...you don't think..." April gasped, wide eyed and breathless. She could feel her nervousness rise as a cold sweat broke out on her back. It wasn't suppose to be like this. "Oh my God. Oh my God!"

"It's okay, calm down," Alex said, squeezing her wrist again, "How long has it felt like this?"

"Since..." April looked to the ceiling. "Uh, since I went to Jackson's...it's been getting worse, I guess."

"I think we need to call Dr. McCaw," Alex swallowed and rose to his feet. "I think you're in labor."