Chapter 3: Waking up from Peetas point of view.
I didn't know what to do as I watched Katniss there on the floor, tears still wet on her beautiful face. What was I to do I had driven her to finding the one thing we both fear. It was more than the rose it was the past, and the present. For all I know it will be our future too. That wilted rose was more than just a dead flower taunting us it was a symbol of what we use to be, and what we will be until we learn to live with our guilt over the dead.
There is still a part of me that wants to kill her when the venom takes over but I can fight it. My time in the capitol after the war helped me understand what was real and what wasn't. I still have to play my game once in a while to reassure myself, but for the most part the things that are not real have a shiny quality to them. I noticed once when I was fighting to keep control, that the edges of my vision became blurry and shiny when the memories are not my own, but instead the implanted memories from President Snow and his evil followers.
Even with the venom in me I now know that I never stopped loving Katniss. How could I? She was the first thing I thought of when I woke in the morning and the last thing I thought of before I fell asleep long before the games and to this day. She was the only thing keeping me from giving in to Snow when I was captured. All the terrible things I said to her after I was rescued will haunt me forever. She was far from being plain, she may have seemed heartless to others but not to me. She was everything I could ever want in a friend, and hopefully someday in a lover. With all of my heart I still want to marry Katniss and protect her from harm in every way possible. That includes the harm she may cause to herself. I picked up the rose, and made my way to her kitchen. I placed the rose on her dining table. Now all I could do was wait for her to wake up.
After an hour of sitting in her dining room waiting for her to wake up, I decide to start cooking dinner. I open her fridge to find it empty. Great. I leave her house and make my way to my own to grab what I can for a decent meal. Once inside my house I remember that Greasy Sae normally takes care of Katniss, I decide to give her a call.
"Hello?"
"Hello Sae, this is Peeta. I just wanted to let you know I will take care of Katniss tonight. You don't need to come over." I say in to the phone.
"Well thanks Peeta. I don't know if you will get much out of her, but good luck to you all the same boy." With that we both hang up the phone.
I enter my kitchen, and begin searching for ingredients to take with me, when I remember I baked her favorite bun earlier today before I planted the Primrose. I had the whole day planned in my head. I was going to quietly plant the bushes, and surprise her with the cheese buns as a token of my wanting her in my life again. I was also hoping this would ease her in to knowing I was back in District 12. But none of that happened. Instead I brought her nothing but pain and sorrow.
I grab some vegetables, meat, and the cheese buns before I talk myself in to staying home. When I open her front door I wait and listen for sounds of her moving around. But none come. I quietly make my way to the kitchen and begin to make a simple stew. I get so involved in my cooking that I don't hear when she enters the room.
Our conversation only lasts for a few moments before I begin to stare at her. God she is so beautiful. I don't care how she looks to others all I see is the same girl that I fell in love with all those years ago. She was the girl on fire then, and she is now. It may not be as obvious to others as it is to me, but those flames are still there burning bright, and making their way through every fiber of my being. Her grey eyes filled with sadness as I stand before her.
My offer to help her be rid of the putrid rose seems to have changed her demeanor a bit. As I take the dead rose in to my left hand I begin to twirl it which triggers the venom to feed me a memory. All I can see is Katniss running towards me, a look of hope in her eyes, but all I feel is anger. As she approaches me the anger grow, and instead of meeting her with a hug, my hands close around her neck. This is a memory I want so badly to be false. I don't ever want to hurt her. Not knowing for sure that I had truly done this I have no choice but to ask. Real or Not real?
My heart sinks as Katniss tells me the truth. My anger mixes with sorrow and allows me to tell her what I have wanted to for so long. "Katniss…I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I will never hurt you again as long as I live. I would rather die than see you in pain." I take her beautiful hand and lead her to the living room where I can end some of our pain.
After I throw the rose in to the fire I turn to face Katniss, and meet her beautiful grey eyes. But she is not reacting the way I had hoped. Instead she is breaking my heart with every word. Soon tears are silently falling from my eyes. As she wipes them away I want nothing more than to kiss her and tell her I don't blame her for anything that has happened. But I know that interrupting her would only make things worse.
As she leaves the room I find that I can't move. My mind is trying to comprehend what has happened as I stand there crying at the thought of not being with her in any way. As my tears dry I move and sit on her couch facing the fire. How could she think that she is hurting me? Doesn't she know I love her, that I need her to survive?
That's when it hits me. She has no idea that I still love her, at least not really. I haven't said anything to her about it sense the war ended. I had just assumed she would know that my feelings would never change. Even in the beginning when I would sleep I could feel that all I wanted was to be near her. That part of me was small at first, but as time went on that part of me grew. I noticed it the night Katniss killed Coin. Why else would I have crushed the one pill that would have brought an end to her life? I even thought of a plan while she was begging Gale to kill her, to prevent him from carrying out this deed. I wouldn't let anyone hurt her then and I won't now.
I get up from the couch, and make my way to her room. I will tell her how I feel, and I will make sure she knows that I will never leave her again, no matter how much she wants me to.