Authors note: I am thinking of putting both points of view in the same chapter as a way to make the chapters longer and to alleviate the repetitive chapter titles. I can go back and do this but before I do I would like some feedback from you and what you would like to see in chapters to come. Please read and review and don't forget to give me your personal opinions on my story. Thanks to all of you who have become followers, and have made My life after the War one of your favorite stories. I greatly appreciate it.
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Chapter 6: The Hunger
With that kiss the hunger I felt on the beach during our second games had returned. It frightened and excited me at the same time. I never wanted our kiss to end. Peeta seemed to have been feeling the same way because as I was thinking about pulling him up from his chair, he stood on his own taking the plate from my hand and placing it on the table as he pulled my body to his. After he placed the plate on the table he placed his right hand in the small of my back, and his left on my cheek as he pulled my face even closer to his. As he did this I could feel all the air leave my lungs out of surprise. I pulled away just enough to take a breath, and open my eyes only to find his locked in to mine once again. We looked in to each other's eyes for a few fleeting moments before I pressed my lips to his again.
As we stood there kissing one another I could feel the hunger increase. I parted my lips slightly and was shocked when Peeta didn't miss a beat and slipped his tongue in my mouth. As our tongues played in each other's mouths, my breathing began to become frantic and fleeting as the excitement in me swelled. I pulled away slightly to catch my breath. When I did this a little part of me felt empty, but this gave me the chance to notice that Peetas breath had also become erratic. This only seemed to give me courage to continue kissing him. I pressed my lips to his once more this time taking the lead, and placing my hands on his hips, pulling him even closer to me, if that was even possible. I soon gained the courage to explore even more of him. My hands abandoned his hips and slid up his shirt, to explore the body of the boy I wanted to be mine forever. His body tensed under my touch, which caused me to smile slightly as I continued to kiss him. But what he did next made the hunger grow tenfold.
Peeta removed his hands from my face and back, and picked me up only to place me on the dining table his mouth changed direction and focused on my neck causing a slight guttural cry to escape my lips. With his focus still on my neck, I scooted closer to the edge and wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him closer, our bodies melding in to one. A slight moan escaped his mouth, as I pulled him closer with my legs, and slightly dug my nails in to his shoulders. Whatever it was that caused my hunger for Peeta I could no longer deny. I wanted, and needed Peeta in every way. I could feel something other than hunger begin to make its presence known. I wasn't sure what it was at first, but as my heart pounded, and my stomach squirmed with every kiss Peeta gave me. I finally knew what I was feeling. It was love. This scared me, but I knew that I had to give my feelings a chance to settle, for my sake as well as Peetas.
Peetas' lips crashed in to mine once again, but this time his kisses were slower and filled with passion and desire, everything I was feeling for him. This drove me to the brink. I didn't understand how Peeta knew what I was feeling before I did, or how he knew the right time to show me, but I was loving every moment of our being in sync.
Before I could stop myself I was raising Peetas' shirt. His lips left mine as I pulled the shirt off him completely and threw it to the floor. I looked at his bare chest before me. His skin had similar pink marks to mine. But instead of finding it repulsive like I do with my own body, I thought he looked beautiful. His shoulders broad, strong and full of muscles that melded into his chest. His abdomen not falling far behind, with its lean yet muscular look. Everything about Peetas' body was perfect, I don't know how he did it but he made me feel more alive than I had in months.
I began to run my hands over his chest and shoulders exploring every muscle and noticing how they tensed under my touch. Peeta kissed me again but this kiss was different. It was short, and filled with nothing but love, and sweetness. I loved this kiss, even though I was sure I wouldn't like what was to follow.
"As much as I want to stay in this moment with you forever Katniss, I think we have had a very emotional day, and we should take things slow." Peeta said with a sad look on his face. After a short pause he continued.
"Why don't we pick up everything from dinner, and then go outside and look at the stars and get to know each other again." Peeta says looking a little embarrassed.
I feel the hunger leave my body and a wave of sadness mixed slightly with anger at his willingness to stop our kisses. But I realize he is right. We can't just begin our new relationship, if that is what you can call it, with kisses, we need to learn about each other again. We both have been through so much which has caused change in us both, Peeta maybe a little tougher than normal, and me damaged seemingly beyond repair.
"Ok." I say as I gingerly kiss his lips. I hop down from the table as he reaches down to grab his shirt. I turn my back to him as I begin to pick up our plates. As I turn back around I catch Peeta staring at me. But this stare is not one that I like. Peetas face is twisted and he looks like he is fighting something. When I realize he is having an attack. I move very slowly as I take the plates to the sink. I can feel the need to run away making its way through the recesses of my brain. But I fight it. Instead I stay out of his sight, and stay quiet so as not to trigger an episode.
Peeta hasn't moved in five minutes and as I stand behind him silently I try to figure out what could have caused the venom to take over his body again. The only thing I can think of is me. I knew I would cause him pain if he came back in to my life. I want my boy with the bread to stay with me forever, but how can I when my kisses cause him to flash to some false memory given to him by Snow and his sick helpers.
"Katniss...?" I hear Peeta say, looking confused.
"I'm here." I say causing him to turn toward the sink behind him where I am standing.
"Katniss, this was not your fault. It was me. I bent down and I flashed back to a time before we entered the games. I was back in the bakery that is all. I know what I was seeing was real. I promise this had nothing to do with you." Peeta says tears beginning to fall.
"Please, don't look so frightened Katniss. I am better at telling what is real or not real than I use to be. Please Katniss believe me." Peeta continues looking at me pleadingly.
"Peeta, I believe you. Please don't cry." I say moving closer to him.
When I reached him I expected for him to move away as I reach to embrace him but instead he greets my open arms. I held him while silent tears run down his face. I had no idea what he had seen, but I know that whatever it was that caused my boy with the bread to feel this way I wanted to put an end to it.
I could no longer feel his tears on my neck, but I continued to hold him. I had never been good at this sort of thing, and I felt awkward about it but I knew that if the roles were reversed right now he would be the one holding me like he had so many times before.
"I'm so sorry Katniss." I heard him whisper in to my neck.
"It's ok Peeta. I'm here." I say as I reach up to stroke the hair on the nape of his neck.
"Why don't you go in to the living room while I finish cleaning up, and when I'm done we can take that trip in to the back yard?" I say holding him in my arms.
"No, I will clean up. You can go grab a blanket and pick where we will look at the stars. I think cleaning up will give me a few minutes to get myself together." Peeta says as he pulls away from me.
"Really Peeta it is no big deal, I can take care of things." I say, but he is already clearing away the rest of the table.
"I got it. Go get the blanket, and pick the spot to watch the stars." Peeta says as he takes everything to the sink.
"Ok, but leave some stuff for me to do. It is my house after all." I say trying to lighten the mood as I am walking out of the room.
I wasn't really sure how I felt leaving him alone in my kitchen, but I know that he has to figure things out right now, and my being there may not help. As I walk up the stairs I think about the feeling of love I felt for Peeta and how I could still feel it in my heart. I began to wonder if I had felt this for Peeta all along. I know I felt something for Gale, but it was nothing compared to what I felt for Peeta. Throughout my life in District 12 before the war I told myself that I would never marry, and I never let myself feel anything for anyone other than Prim. But I think that somewhere deep down I always knew that Peeta would be the one to bring me back from oblivion, he would always be my dandelion in the snow, the person who would get through to me, if Prim was not around to do so. There was a part of me that wished I had allowed myself to see this sooner so that maybe Peeta would not have doubted my feelings, and would have had an easier time adapting after he was rescued all those months ago.
But I know better than anyone, the only concern I had was Prim and her safety, which all came crashing down anyways. Peeta was always there and I will never stop owing him in my mind even though I know he does not see it this way. Peeta is everything that a part of me wishes I could be, he's the one person left in this world that I can't live without. Even though I know that he is too good for me he will forever and always see me as the only girl has and will ever love, and I will always see him as my boy with the bread, my dandelion in the snow, and my savior.
As I'm searching for the blanket I know to be big enough for the two of us, the feeling of love stays with me, even though my mind is spinning. I finally find the blanket I was looking for. It's a simple red and green plaid blanket with fringe around the edges. It once belonged to my parents, but after my father died my mother stashed it away never wanting to see it again. But when we moved to Victors Village I took it and hid it in my room before she could do anything to stop me.
As I descend the stairs I can hear Peeta moving around in the kitchen. I walk to the entry way and stare at him for a few minutes. Even with his back to me I think he is the most handsome man I have ever seen. I smile to myself as I continue my way to the back yard. I hadn't been back here since before the games and even then I wasn't back here for long, since I had once preferred the woods. But I hadn't been there in so long I wasn't sure when I would make my way back, but at least I could enjoy the outdoors in small increments this way.
For the first time since I had moved to Victors Village I actually looked at my back yard and I realized how beautiful it was. All the grass was green, and the yard sloped upwards from the small back patio that was complete with a small outdoor furniture set picked by the stylists of the old capitol. In the back left corner of the yard was a tall maple tree full of green leaves. This was unlike anything I had ever seen in District 12 before. I walked to the center of the yard to lay out the blanket. As I did this I looked up and saw one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen, the only thing that could make this moment better was Peetas' strong arms wrapped around me.
I decide to sit in the middle of the blanket my legs crossed forming the look of a pretzel, something I had seen in the bakery in 12 but I had never gotten the chance to eat. I looked up at the stars and was mesmerized by the vast world I was seeing before me. It was hard to believe that I was just one tiny little part of this world, as was everyone else. No one person more important than the other in the big scheme of things. But for me, Peeta would always be my world, the only thing that mattered, and the only thing that could make me happy.
I jumped as Peeta sat down next to me. I looked over to see that he was smiling sweetly at me.
"What is that smile for?" I ask smiling back.
"I was just watching you from the doorway, and the way the faint light from the patio hit you, all I could do was stare and admire your beauty." He says still staring.
I blush although I'm not entirely sure why. "Did you leave anything for me to take care of in the kitchen?" I ask not knowing how to respond to his last statement.
"No. I took care of everything. Now we can just sit out here and stare up at the night sky." Peeta says a smile still on his face.
"I told you I would help Peeta. You make it difficult to be helpful." I say attempting to scold him, but I fail miserably as I look in to his blue eyes and see nothing but happiness and peace. I don't know how the fearful look left his eyes so quickly after his episode, but I'm glad that it is gone and a happy look has replaced it.
"I know Katniss, but you looked so peaceful out here and I thought I would let you enjoy the feeling for as long as I could." He says as he looks up to the sky.
"It really is beautiful out here isn't it?" he states as he lays down on his back on the blanket.
I'm still sitting looking up when I feel his hand begin to rub my back in small circles. His touch makes me melt a little inside. I love all of his touches, they drive me crazy but I know I need to control myself. So I respond by looking over at him with a slight smile. He smiles back and I notice his eyes twinkle in the faint light from the patio.
Before I stop myself, I lay down next to Peeta. He moves his hand from my back and places his arm under my head as a pillow. I bring myself in close to him, and we both lay there looking up at the stars.