Ch. 7 The Hunger: Peetas' POV rough draft
With every movement Katniss made I wanted to match it. Everything she was doing was driving me crazy, and all I wanted to do was make her feel the same. I tried to anticipate every move Katniss was going to make, and it seemed to be working, she was surprised by every move and every touch I made. I was brought to a state of shock when I felt her hands slide under my shirt to explore my sensitive skin.
In an effort to try and hide my shock I picked Katniss up and placed her on the dining table and began to tenderly kiss her neck. The smell of strawberries invaded my nose as I explored this part of her body, making me want to devour her neck. My actions caused a reaction I could never have hoped for. Katniss let a slight moan escape her lips, I smiled against her neck as I continued with this act that seemed to cause her pleasure. Katniss was never one to let herself feel anything, out of fear. But this was a sign that with time things could change, we both just have to be patient, yet another thing Katniss was not good at. In the moment when she pulled my body closer to hers I let out a moan of my own, feeling her body so close to mine was all I had wanted for most of my life. I just wish she could understand what she does to me.
I redirected my mouth to hers. But this time I wanted her to understand that being with her was more than just a quick fix for our situation, I want to be with her forever, I feel nothing but love and want for her. All the passion I feel for her, all the love, all of every emotion known to man I wanted her to understand in my kiss. Judging by her reaction everything I feel for her came across, and she felt the same. As she removed my shirt, and stared at me I began to gather my thoughts. I wanted nothing more than to explore her beautiful body and for her to do the same. But we both still need time to heal, moving on to fast will only hinder the progress we have made since the war, and will continue to make in the time to follow tonight.
As I kissed her sweetly, I state with nothing but sadness in my tone "As much as I want to stay in this moment with you forever Katniss, I think we have had a very emotional day, and we should take things slow." After a short pause I continued "Why don't we pick up everything from dinner, and then go outside and look at the stars and get to know each other again."
I can see Katniss thinking for a moment before she says "Ok." And kisses my lips. Resisting the urge to take her face in my hands and kiss her lips again, I bend over to grab my shirt and that is when I am taken back in to Panem, before the war, before I was thrown in to the games. I was back in the bakery, standing in front of my mother.
"What are you doing you worthless boy?" she yells as I cower a little from the harshness of her tone more than her words. I could not have been more than thirteen years old. My father is in the front of the bakery pretending that nothing is happening. I hated him for that. He didn't agree with the way she treated my brothers and I, but he was never brave enough to stop her.
"I am doing as you said Mom, I'm getting the ingredients for the bread ready for Dad." I say as I prepare myself for the smack of a life time.
"How dare you lie to me!" she screams as she hits me square in the chest with one of the many rolling pins in the bakery. "I saw you looking out the window at that seam rat! She is scum! How dare you even think of looking at such an ugly smear on this Earth!" She hits me again as I am trying to recover from her previous blow, only this time she hits me across the face with the back of her hand sending me to the floor. She was a strong woman, from the years of work in the bakery.
"She is not ugly, she's beautiful!" I scream back at her from the ground, as tears spill down my cheeks more from her insults than her strikes which I had grown accustomed to.
"You ungrateful little brat, I'll show you!" she reaches down for me, but I roll out of her way, which only makes her more furious.
"Oh so you think a girl like that will love an ugly boy like you. Why would she do that when she could have one of her fellow seam rats or any other man in this district? You have got to be one of the ugliest boys I have ever seen. I doubt you will grow up to be anything more than plain. You have the personality of a dried up slice of bread, and the looks of one too. You will be nothing more than a lonely old baker, if you even manage to do anything in your life properly. Nothing you ever do will be enough to impress that nasty little tart." She says as she makes another grab for me.
I get out of her way once more as I shout "You wouldn't know what a beautiful person was if one hit you in the face you wretched cow. You are nothing but ugly inside and out. You hate everyone because you hate yourself. I love Katniss, and I will do everything I can to marry her one day, and you will have nothing to do with our lives. I hate you. I hope you die alone wishing you had been better to all the people around you."
This only seems to fuel her hatred for me. She makes wild throws with the rolling pin in her hand. She manages to land one on my arm as I make my way out the back door, the only place I know of that is safe from her angry beatings.
"You had better stay out there, you rotten boy." She shouts from the back door.
I come to in the Kitchen realizing what has happened. "Katniss...?" I say confused.
"I'm here." I hear her say behind me. I turn to face her at first not knowing what to say, but the moment I see her face I know what she is thinking.
"Katniss, this was not your fault. It was me. When I bent down I flashed back to a time before we entered the games. A time before we had much to do with each other, a time back in the bakery that's all. I know what I was seeing was real. I promise this had nothing to do with you." I say as tears make their way down my face. I know that in some ways what I said to her could be construed as a lie, but in my mind Katniss had nothing to do with my mothers' reaction, the truth is I didn't have to look at Katniss to get that reaction, it truthfully could have been any one.
"Please, don't look so frightened Katniss. I am better at telling what is real or not real than I use to be. Please Katniss believe me." It's all I can do not to fall to my knees and beg her to understand. When I hear her say, "Peeta, I believe you. Please don't cry." as she makes her way to me.
When Katniss reaches out for me it was like looking at a whole new person. She is not the comforting type, but it looks as if for me she's willing to try. I willingly let her embrace me as I silently let the tears fall from my eyes. After some time I whispered with my face still in her neck
"I'm so sorry Katniss."
"It's ok Peeta. I'm here" she replies back as she begins to stroke the short hairs on the nape of my neck.
I let her stroke my neck for a time before I hear her say, "Why don't you go in to the living room while I finish cleaning up, and when I'm done we can take that trip in to the back yard?"
I consider doing as she says but I know I need some time alone to sort out my feelings and reaction to my episode. If I don't it could come back, and more than anything I want to stay in this reality. The one where I get to look in to the eyes of the woman I love and see every emotion I feel for her being reflected back at me.
"No, I will clean up. You can go grab a blanket and pick where we will look at the stars. I think cleaning up will give me a few minutes to get myself together." I say as I unwillingly pull away from her warm embrace.
"Really Peeta it is no big deal, I can take care of things." Katniss protests, but I am already clearing away everything from the table to place it in the sink.
"I got it. Go get the blanket, and pick the spot to watch the stars." I continue.
"Ok, but leave some stuff for me to do. It is my house after all." Katniss says trying to remove the worry from her tone and brow unsuccessfully.
As Katniss leaves the room I can tell that she is struggling with the decision. I don't blame her at all. I was frozen in place just moments ago in her dining room stuck in a memory I wanted nothing more than to leave. As I stand in front of the sink removing all the dishes and preparing the hot soapy water I am taken back to that dreadful day. How I wished that was a false memory that Snow had had implanted in my brain, but it unfortunately was not.
My mother had always made it clear that I was her least favorite son. I'm not really sure that she liked any of us that much, but I know for certain that I was her least favorite. She could tolerate my other two brothers, some days even boarder on slight niceness. But she did nothing but hurt me mentally, emotionally and physically from the moment I mentioned Katniss after my very first day of school. I remember coming home from school and excitedly telling my mother how I had fallen in love with the most beautiful girl in the world, and that I would marry her someday. When she asked who the girl was, her attitude towards me changed forever. She went from tolerating me and maybe even slightly loving me to hating me, and doing everything in her power to make me despise life.
Who would have guessed that declaring my love for Katniss would change my life as many times as it has. If Katniss knew how much her presence has changed my life I'm sure she would leave for good, not knowing that all I will ever want and need in life is her right next to me from now through the rest of our lives and beyond.
I feel the apprehension that plagued me earlier leave my body as I wash the dishes and think back on how my life has changed. I know that I will have to fight to keep myself under control for the rest of my life, but I think with Katniss by my side it will be easier and I know I will be able to do it. I know I don't want to try without her in my life. I smile to myself as I think about her. She has no idea what every little move she makes does to me. As I stand there smiling like a fool to myself I hear her come down the stairs. I keep my back to her not wanting her to see the ridiculous smile on my face.
That's when I realize that all I have to think about to smile most days is Katniss. It doesn't have to be in a sexual way, it can be as simple as thinking about the smile that so rarely makes itself present on her face, or the way she furrows her brow when she is deep in thought or confused. These were a few of the pure moments that Snow could never take away from me no matter how hard he tried. I fought against him to the very end, and while for a time it may have seemed like he would win, when those moments made themselves present I was reminded of love and happiness. Feelings that were fleeting in Panem, and especially in the horrid area where I was kept captive. I shiver a little as I finish the dishes. Not wanting to ruin what is left of my evening with Katniss, I turn my thoughts to happier ones. Like the beautiful woman waiting for me in the back yard.
As I stand in the door way to the back yard, I can't help but lean against the door frame and stare at Katniss. She looks so beautiful and at peace sitting looking up at the night sky. If only she could see what I see. I silently laugh to myself at this thought. If she could see what I see she would be over analyzing the situation, not to mention ignoring the beauty of it all. She would without a doubt furrow her brow and tell me there is nothing special about the way she looks or about this moment. She has spent so much of her life letting beauty go unnoticed.
We both may be covered in scars but we made it through everything the capitol had to throw at us, and that in itself contained enough beauty to last a life time. I found my way back to her, the best place in the world, and she was making great strides to letting me in and finding her way to me. I decide to make my way to the blanket in silence, all the while smiling. As I sit down next to her she jumps. Seeing my smile Katniss quizzically looks at me before saying,
"What is that smile for?"
Still smiling I answer, "I was just watching you from the doorway, and the way the faint light from the patio hit you, all I could do was stare and admire your beauty."
She blushes at my statement, and quickly changes the subject, I'm sure as a way to distract herself more than me. She never was good at taking compliments.
"Did you leave anything for me to take care of in the kitchen?"
Without missing a beat, I answer, "No. I took care of everything. Now we can just sit out here and stare up at the night sky."
She scrunches up her face as she hears my response.
"I told you I would help Peeta. You make it difficult to be helpful." She says making a failed attempt at scolding my good deed of the night.
"I know Katniss, but you looked so peaceful out here and I thought I would let you enjoy the feeling for as long as I could." I say as I look up at the vast dark sky above our heads.
"It really is beautiful out here isn't it?" I continue as I lay on my back.
As Katniss continues her gaze up at the sky, I decide to make her back my canvas for the time being. I want to remember this moment for years to come, and I know that painting this moment will keep it alive forever. After enjoying my small strokes on her back for a time Katniss looks over at me with the slightest of smiles on her face. I can't help it as my face cracks in an even bigger smile. I want to kiss her in this moment, and I think she can sense this. But instead of leaning down to kiss me she lays next to me. I place my arm under her head, and she draws herself even closer to me, and we spend the night looking up at the stars, holding each other in moments of sheer bliss.