Chapter 8: Decisions
The next morning I wake up in my bed, beside a note with Peeta's hand writing.
Katniss,
I brought you to your room last night after you fell asleep. I hope you don't mind. I left you some bread to enjoy in the morning when you wake and get around. I will be over tomorrow after I get some rest. You don't have to let me in or see me if you don't want to, but I hope you will.
Always Yours,
Peeta.
As I finish reading his note, I realize how much I already missed his presence, and then it hit me. Last night was the first night since Prims death that nightmares hadn't plagued my sleep. I smile to myself. I know exactly why my night was peaceful, and it was all thanks to Peeta.
As I get up from my bed I take Peetas' note in my hands and place it on my dresser. I decide I should shower and then figure out what to do with the rest of my day before Peeta arrives. After grabbing undergarments, a plain black tee shirt, and a pair of jeans, I enter my bathroom and begin my usual routine. But today instead of braiding my hair down my back, I leave it down. I'm not sure why I decide to do this, but something tells me to just let go for a while.
I leave my room and make my way down the stairs to my kitchen. When I enter my dining and kitchen area I am taken back to last night. The smell of the food, the light conversation and the kisses. I catch myself smiling for the second time, and it makes me feel like a silly girl. In the past I had never cared about anything other than survival, and now that I can live without fear I don't know how to react. A large part of me wants to revert to the way things were before the games, but a small part wants to try and live without fear, and for more than just survival. Today that small part seems to make itself more prominent than usual, and I want to fight it. But something stops me. Something deep inside that I am unfamiliar with. Something that Peeta has awakened.
"Well hello Sweetheart." I hear Haymich say as he drew me out of my daze.
"What do you want Haymich?" I say my mood instantly souring.
"I just thought I would come and see why lover boy left your house so late last night. Were you two getting close again?" He says with a mischievous grin on his face. As he walks closer to me, I can smell the alcohol on his breath.
"What are you talking about Haymich? He just came over to help me." I retort trying to put more distance between us, unsuccessfully.
"Oh Sweetheart, you are so innocent." He says stumbling to a nearby chair.
"Haymich, what do you want? I am in no mood to deal with your drunkenness." I spat not totally understanding what he was talking about.
"I already told you. I was curious about your late night visitor. Don't play coy with me Sweetheart I saw that kiss on the beach. I know there is more to what is going on between you and Peeta than what you are letting on to." Haymich says while swaying in his chair.
Confused by what the drunkard was saying I make my way closer to him in hopes of being able to shoo him out of my house.
"I think it is time for you to go. You need to get the alcohol out of your system. Maybe then you will make some sense." I say as I struggle to get him out of the chair.
"Oh come on Sweetheart, you can't be that dense can you? I mean really, are you just going to act like everything is business as usual?" he says as I push him down the hallway to the front door.
"Haymich I have no idea what you are talking about." I can feel the anger in me begin to rise to the surface.
"You need to leave, and be drunk somewhere else. I don't want to deal with you right now. Come back when you can make sense. Or better yet don't come back, I'll check on you once I feel you have sobered up." I say to him as I push him out the door.
"Whatever you…" Hiccup "say Sweetheart" He says making his way from my house to his.
After closing my door I make my way back to my kitchen to get something to eat. What did Haymich mean when he said, "business as usual?" or anything else he said really? I know he was drunk, but why did he always come to find me when he is looking for a person to pick on? How is it that he could always bring out the worst in me? I think to myself as I take a couple slices of bread and begin to devour them. As I finish my bread I decide to leave my anger and thoughts about Haymich behind.
I make my way to my living room, not knowing what else to do with my day. I consider going to the woods, but decide against it. I'm not ready to face any demons that are waiting for me there. Instead I lie on my couch and stare at my ceiling. I begin to think about what Haymich could possibly have meant by his drunken conversation with me. Was it really bad that Peeta left my house so late? And what did he think it meant? What would everyone in town think it meant? Maybe Haymich was right about me being innocent, or maybe I am just oblivious, or ignorant. Any of those would serve as a reasonable solution to my current predicament. I will just have to confront Peeta about this. Maybe he can tell me what Haymich meant, and maybe just maybe he can shed some light on some of my social pitfalls.
I don't know how long I was lying back on my couch, but I was brought out of my thoughts by a quiet knock on my door. I quickly get to my feet, realizing that it is probably Peeta. But to my dismay my guest is not who I was expecting but instead Greasy Sae. I think she can see the disappointment on my face because she hesitates slightly before entering my house.
"I see you have finally decided to try and take care of yourself." She says making her way past me. I close the door behind us and follow her to the kitchen.
"I am trying to, yes." I reply not knowing what else to say.
"I see that boy has been over here." She says with a slight smile on her face. This makes me uncomfortable. I don't know what she is getting at, but I think it has something to do with what Haymich was talking about earlier.
"He was yes. He just wanted to help. Nothing else. Why does it matter?" I say a frown forming on my face.
"I meant nothing by it Katniss. I think it is good for both of you to talk again. You both need someone to talk to, and you two already know what the other has been through. I think you two will be able to help each other heal, and maybe someday you both can leave the old world behind, and help future generations know and understand what the world was once like." Sae finishes looking me in the eyes.
My face relaxes as I realize Greasy Sae is right.
"Ok." I answer as she looks away from me, and begins to look around my kitchen.
"What are you looking for?" I ask realizing she is clearly not finding whatever it is that she is looking for.
"I had intended on coming over here and picking up after you and Peeta. But I can see one or both of you has already taken care of it." She says looking slightly disappointed, as I shake my head signaling that we had indeed already taken care of everything.
We are both silent for a while before she starts to speak again.
"Katniss, before I go, I want you to listen to me." Sae says.
I shake my head signaling that I am willing to listen to her.
"Don't push him away. I know you are going to want to make him leave when he gets to close. But you need to understand that that boy will wait for you forever, and sending him away will break his heart. He won't move on from you, and I think he is the man you need in your life. Let him in. Take your time, but make sure you let him in and love him as much as you can." She leaves the kitchen and lets herself out of my house leaving me standing alone in my kitchen to think about what she has just said.
I'm slightly dumb founded by what she says. I know that she is right but how does she know what I am going to do before I do. I make my way to my living room once again to sit on my couch still slightly dumb founded. I'm beginning to think that most people know me better than I know myself.
"Katniss?" I hear Peeta say as he enters my house.
I'm silent for a few seconds before answering, "I'm in here."
"Hey, what are you doing?" he says as he enters the living room.
Coming out of my daze I say "Uh… nothing."
"You always were a terrible liar Katniss." Peeta says not pushing the subject as he sits next to me on the couch.
"Sorry." I say looking at him wondering if he knows what I am thinking.
"Don't be sorry, you have no need to be sorry. What would you like to do today?" He says looking at me curiously.
"Ah… I have no idea. What would you like to do?" I answer truthfully. I had spent most of my morning trying to figure out what everyone else seems to have already figured out.
"I asked you. But I think we should go for a walk in to town." He says looking away from me.
"Do you think we can handle it?" I say trying to meet his eyes.
"I don't know. But I think that if you are willing to go things will be easier, and I think that we both need to leave our own little world here in Victors Village once in a while. Since I'm sure you won't be going to the woods any time soon, we can start small. We don't even have to go all the way to town today, but I think getting out will help us." He says meeting my gaze looking hopeful.
"Let's go. Like you said we don't even have to go all the way to town today, we can take it slow." I say smiling at him.
We get up and make our way for the door. We walk a little ways down the road in silence. I'm nervous. All I want to do is walk back to my house and stay there forever. But I know that turning back now will only make me a coward, which is something I have never considered myself.
"Are you ok?" Peeta says bringing me out of my thoughts.
"Uh…Yea. I think so." I say still feeling unsure of the situation.
"We can turn back if you think this is far enough Katniss. It's ok, I will understand." He says stopping us both and looking at me head on.
I stand looking in to his eyes for a few moments before I say "No. Let's keep going. I think I can do this."
"Then let's do it together." Peeta says as he grabs my hand.
With Peeta holding my hand I feel much stronger. I don't understand why but this simple gesture makes me feel less afraid of what might happen. So I happily accept it. With Peetas' hand in mine I think I can be as brave as I was before Prim died. We reach the end of Victors Village in what seem like no time at all. I feel my previous bouts of apprehension come back. I unintentionally squeeze Peetas hand, but he doesn't seem to mind. In fact he seems to enjoy the fact that I have squeezed his hand. He smiles at me and gently squeezes my hand back.
"Are you ready to go in to town or do you want to stop here?" He says stopping once again to look at me.
"Uh let's keep going I will tell you when I am ready to turn back." I say holding his hand even tighter.
As we walk in to town I begin to think about how people will react to seeing us. I know many of them have seen Peeta but that's because he wanted to move on. He wanted to heal enough to be able to be around me, and he was willing to do what he had to. But me, I chose to avoid the problem, I wanted to die. I can't imagine that there are many people who want me around, and I don't blame them. I am the cause of their pain, and for that I will never forgive myself.
As we get to the center of town I begin to hyperventilate. I want to stop because seeing all of the citizens of District 12 makes the memories of the war come flooding back.
"Katniss, it's ok. Remember we can turn around." Peeta says feeling the change in my movements.
"Hello there Peeta. Nice to see you today." Says a man waving as he passes by.
"Hello, Thom. Nice to see you to." Peeta replies taking his eyes off of me momentarily.
"I see you got Miss Everdeen to leave her hideout." Thom says with a smile on his face.
"It's nice to see you too Katniss. I hope to see you again." Thom says as he walks away.
"See you later Thom." Peeta says still looking at me.
I stand there holding on to Peetas hand, feeling confused. That man acted as if I was just another citizen. He didn't seem to blame me at all.
"Peeta." I say confused.
"Yea Katniss?" He says looking at me worriedly.
"I think I need to go back." I say on the verge of hyperventilating.
"Ok, let's go." Peeta says steering me around quickly still looking worried.
"Wait." I say as I catch a glimps of a building that was in the final stages of its rebuilt.
Peeta stops in his tracks and turns to face me. "Are you ok Katniss?" he says gently turning my face to meet his.
"Is that the bakery?" I ask, feeling tears starting to make their way to the surface.
"Yes, it is. I have been helping to rebuild as much as I could. I plan on running it when it opens. I think having a bakery will help me heal. I think it will be another step to normality around here." He answers still looking worried.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask the tears slowly beginning to fall.
"Oh God, Katniss. Don't cry." He says pulling me close to him.
"I didn't think you would want to hear about what was going on in town. I wasn't sure you would make it this far in to town on our first outing." He answers, sounding nothing but apologetic.
He wasn't wrong about one thing. I really didn't want to hear about what was going on in town. But not because I wasn't curious, I didn't want to hear anything out of fear. People moving on meant that everything I went through was real. It meant that Prim really was dead, and it meant Peeta was taken from me. But it also meant that Peeta found his way back. It meant that people are ready to make a new world, one where we are all safe.
"Don't be sorry." I say in to Peetas neck.
"I want to see it. I want to see the one building that means the most to you." I say pulling away from him.
"No Katniss, you aren't ready I can see that now. I pushed you too far, too fast." Peeta says hurriedly, looking on the verge of tears himself.
"Peeta, I need to do this, and I need you to do it with me. Ok?" I say looking him in the eyes.
"Ok." He says as he wipes a tear off my cheek.
"I will take you to see the bakery, but after that we can leave if you want to. Ok?" Peeta finishes taking both of my hands in his.
"Ok." I say keeping his right hand in my left as I turn and walk towards what will be the bakery in no time.
When we reach the bakery, both of us stop outside of the doors, and look in wonderment. This new bakery was similar to the old one, but there we many things that were different. This bakery looked like a welcoming place that was bright, vibrant, and full of life. Just like Peeta. The old bakery, was bleak, and haunted by the many hungry people of 12.
"It's beautiful Peeta." I say just loud enough for the two of us to hear.
"Do you want to go inside?" He asks looking at me hopefully.
"Yes." I answer smiling at him.
When we enter the bakery, it's like entering a whole new world. There are wooden tables with two to four chairs a piece, depending on their size and shape. The counter has a top of what looks like smooth rock, maybe granite, kind of like something you would have seen in the capitol. The bottom half of the counter is smooth shiny wood that looks very similar to the counter top, but is quite obviously wood. Facing the font doors still attached to the counter is a glass case with racks in it for the bread, and the register is right next to the case. The counter top curves inward to the bakery and straightens out again until it meets a wall, where the kitchen appears to be. About halfway down the counter it looks like there is a walkway but it is blocked by the counter top.
"Won't it be hard to walk underneath the counter top Peeta?" I ask walking to the apparent walk way.
Peeta laughs a bit before saying "We aren't meant to walk under it Katniss. The counter top lifts up."
He walks up to the counter top and lifts it, the whole time smiling at me.
"Oh." I say feeling my face turn red.
"Want to look in the back?" He asks already making his way through the walkway.
"Sure." I say trying to make myself feel less pathetic.
When we get to the back, I'm shocked by what I see. Everything is shiny and new. The capitol apparently thought rebuilding the bakery for Peeta was a great plan. He has four ovens each with digital settings. Everything in the room is stainless steel. He has what appears to be an endless supply of flour and other ingredients waiting to be used in a pantry and refrigerator. I look over at Peeta, and he appears to have lost the ability to use words. He just looks around in wonderment. I let him take his time. I want him to be happy and this place seems to have done just that. I watch him as he touches everything gently.
"All of this is mine." He says looking up at me.
I smile at him. "Yes it is."
Peeta makes his way over to me, and gently kisses my lips. I'm taken aback by his abrasiveness but I kiss him back once I figure out what has happened. I don't know how long we stand there in each other's arms but I begin to feel uncomfortable. When I open my eyes and break our kiss I know why. Three men have entered the back door.
"Hello there!" One of them says as he smiles. "Can we help you with something?" He continues, while the other two try to hide their snickers.
"Oh…Uh…" I begin as Peeta turns around.
"Hey Peeta!" says the same man.
"Hey, Cole." Peeta says turning a little red in the face.
"What are you doing here?" says Cole smirking at the two of us.
"We were just taking a look around." Peeta answers quickly.
"Uh huh. Right, looking around. Well if you don't mind we are going to get back to work. Will we be seeing you tomorrow?" Cole says as the other two make their way past Peeta and I.
"Oh yea, we were just leaving." Peeta says, grabbing my hand.
"Uh, I think I will be here tomorrow. I will let you know for sure in the morning." He continues as we make our way to the front doors of the shop.
"Ok. Talk to you tomorrow then." Cole says as we leave the bakery.
"Well that was embarrassing." Peeta says smiling at me, as we walk hand in hand towards Victors Village.
"Yes it was." I answer smiling to myself a little. I have never seen Peeta turn red and get embarrassed like that before. It wasn't uncommon for me to get that way, but not Peeta, he is stronger, and can control himself. I liked seeing him like this he seemed to find the situation funny. I hoped I would never see him embarrassed in a way that he couldn't laugh about it.
We walked back to my house hand in hand laughing the whole way. Once we reached my front door we both calmed down enough to unlock it, but the smiles never leave our faces.