Chapter 9: Decisions Peetas POV
After staring up at the stars for a few hours I notice that Katniss's breathing has become deep and even. I look down to see that her eye are closed comfortably, and she looks peaceful. Something I know she hasn't been for a long time. I can't help but stare at her beauty. If only she knew that I lived for the moments where I got to be with her.
I don't know how long I laid there looking at Katniss, but I noticed that the stars were beginning to disappear. I decided I should take her up to her bed and I should try to get some rest myself. I slowly removed my arm from under her head, so as not to wake her. I then knelt down and picked her up and cradled her small frame in my arms. I carefully make my way through the house with sleeping Katniss in my arms.
When I reach her bedroom, I slowly bend down and place her on the edge of her bed. I carefully pull the blankets from under her and gently roll her further in to her bed and cover her up. I leave her room and make my way down the stairs to find a piece of paper to leave her a note for her to read when she wakes. It takes me a moment to figure out the best way to tell her where I have gone without making her feel uncomfortable or awkward about last night. I make my way back up the stairs to place the note on the bed next to her. When I get to her door I watch her sleep momentarily before bending down and lightly kissing her forehead. In her sleep a small smile makes its way across her face. If only she knew her sleeping face gives everything she is feeling away. As I am leaving the room I turn to get one last glimpse of the woman I love sleeping peacefully.
Making my way to my house all I can think about is the wonderful moments I shared with Katniss. Today we had taken small steps in the direction of healing, and I can't wait to continue to make progress with her every day for the rest of our lives. Quickly entering my house I grab the bread promised to Katniss in my note. Exiting my house as quickly as I had entered it I make my way back to Katniss'. When I reach her front door I quietly open it and head for the kitchen. I leave the bread on the counter before making my way to her back yard. Once there I look fondly at the spot where we had previously lain. Reaching down I grab the blanket intending to place it in the house. I fold the blanket as I walk to the open back door. A slight wind picks up causing me to catch Katniss' scent. My insides tremble, God how I love the way she smells.
I place the blanket on the back of her couch, before returning to her back door. I turn the patio light off and lock the door. That's when I feel something rub against my legs. I look down in to the smashed face of Prims cat, Buttercup.
"Hello there Buttercup" I whisper as I bend down to pet the normally grouchy cat. But to my surprise he accepts my affection, I'm sure this is because Katniss has somewhat neglected the poor thing. I know this to be true because the two of them have always hated one another, but I'm sure that Buttercup knows the girl that he depended on is dead and that Katniss is who he has to depend on now. Although he seemed to like me a bit, maybe I could be another person he could trust.
Buttercup walks away, so I take my chance and make my way out the door. I see a light coming from Haymichs' house, which makes me nervous. That's when I see him lurking in his living room window. I know this won't end well but I decide it can wait until tomorrow. He should be nice and drunk by now so he probably won't be up until late in the afternoon, which will give me enough time to talk to Katniss, and make him leave her alone. When I reach my house I don't bother turning on any lights I just head straight to my bedroom. My house is identical to every other house in Victors Village, only mine is slightly larger due to my now deceased family being larger. But all in all every house in Victors Village has the same design. Three levels, a basement, a main floor, and a second story. All bedrooms and a bathroom or two on the second floor, a study, living room, kitchen, dining, and a bathroom on the main floor, and the basement that is more like a storage area. The room number only varying slightly in the event of larger families. When I reach my room I flop myself on to my bed and gladly greet the sandman.
When I wake the sun is fully up and I'm sure that Katniss has been up for some time now. I slowly make my way in to a sitting position rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I sit there for a few minutes thinking about how productive the previous day was, this brings the first smile of the day and hopefully not the last. I get up and stretch before entering my bathroom.
Once in there I remove my clothing. I was so tired last night I hadn't bothered to change. Leaving my clothes on the floor I start the water and test the temperature. Once the water is just the way I like it I jump in. Unlike the showers in the capitol the ones in Victors Village are relatively simple in their design. The buttons that release the soaps are labeled, shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. I've only used the first row of the soaps, but for each type there are four buttons. I'm guessing for varying scents. As I'm finishing my shower, I realize I still need to try and catch Haymich before he upsets Katniss. This thought makes me hurry through the rest of my shower.
I shut the water off, get out of the shower, grab a towel and quickly place it around my waist. I step in to my bed room still dripping wet, but I know that I will need to hurry if I plan on catching Haymich before he does something stupid. I reach my dresser and pull out a pair of blue and green plaid boxers, jeans, and a white tee shirt. I quickly take my towel and dry my body and slip my clothes on. I then take the towel and run it over my hair to soak up some of the moisture. As I'm reaching for a pair of socks I hear my front door open.
"Who's there?" I yell leaning out of my bedroom door way.
"Who do you think it is boy?" I hear Haymich yell up my stairs.
"Don't try to come up here Haymich. Go sit in my dining room or something, I will be down in a few minutes." I say slightly irritated.
I go back in to my room and finish getting dressed. I run a comb through my hair making it look presentable after messing it up in the towel. I put on my tennis shoes and make my way down the stairs. A part of me is glad that Haymich has shown up, but another part of me really wishes he would leave so I can spend the day with Katniss, that's if she wants to spend time with me of course. I enter my dining room and immediately see Haymich sitting in a chair facing me with a huge mischievous grin on his face.
"Well good morning lover boy, or should I say good afternoon seeing as you have slept away most of the morning?" Haymich says the smile never leaving his face.
"What do you want Haymich? I know you saw me leaving Katniss' house last night, and I can guarantee it is not what you think." I state trying to make it clear that he shouldn't mess with me today.
"Oh, so that was you. I just thought I would make sure." Haymich says swaying slightly in his seat. Great he is still drunk. Just what I wanted to deal with.
"You know very well it was me." I say making my way to the kitchen to make coffee.
"Why are you so interested in what Katniss and I are or are not doing?" I say looking up from the coffee maker momentarily.
"Well I have to keep up on what my victors are doing don't I?" he says slurring his words slightly.
"No, you don't. We want you in our lives. Well I want you in mine I can't speak for Katniss. I don't have anyone left except you and Katniss. But you have got to learn some boundaries." I say grabbing coffee cups from one of my cupboard.
Haymich sits in the chair silently for a few moments, seemingly thinking about what he should say next.
"Well I can tell you whatever you were hoping to happen between you and that girl she doesn't have any clue about how it looks when you leave her house so late, or should I say early." He says chuckling to himself. I feel my heart sink. He has already been to her house, and probably messed everything up. I have to fix this. But first I have to find out what the stupid drunk said to her.
"What did you do? What did you say to her?" I ask my anger spilling over in to my tone.
"Haha oh wouldn't you like…" hiccup "to know." He says, knowing fully well that it will irritate me to no end.
"HAYMICH!" I yell trying to control myself. Since the high jacking my fuse is a little shorter. But I have noticed it seems exceedingly so when Katniss is the subject.
"You need to tell me what you said to her now! If you have ruined anything I will hurt you myself." I say getting my anger slightly under control.
"Oh calm down lover boy. I just asked her why you were leaving her house so late, and what you two were up to. That's all." Haymich says apparently deciding that it was best to answer me.
"That had better be all you said." I say forcing the cup of hot coffee in to his hands.
"You need to loosen up there lover boy. She is so innocent she doesn't know how to handle her own feelings let alone comprehend them or understand what others may think." He says before taking a drink of the strong black coffee I brewed in the hopes of sobering him up enough to get home.
"You don't understand Haymich she needs time, and I am willing to give her all the time she needs. I don't want to rush anything, and you don't need to butt in and make things harder for her. Pick on me all you want but leave her alone, at least until she has made enough progress to put you in your place again." I say sitting in the chair across from him.
"Look kid, I will make you a deal. I will leave her alone if you make sure that you both get better." Haymich says momentarily being serious.
"Ok." I say looking at him suspiciously.
"Plus the sooner the two of you get better the sooner I can get back to not giving a shit." He says returning to his drunken stupor.
"Whatever you say Haymich." I say before I take another drink of my coffee.
"Well as great as this bitter crap is, I think I will be heading back to my place. I threw Katniss off my trail so you don't have to worry about her knowing I was here." He says shakily getting up from the chair.
"I'll be over to check on you tomorrow, to make sure you are still alive." I say as I follow him to the front door.
"Yea whatever." He says making his way over to his house.
I stand in the doorway to be sure that he is indeed going to his house and not making another trip to Katniss's house. Once he is inside his house, I go back inside mine, to clean up and get something to eat before going to see Katniss.
When I finish I make my way to my front door only to see that Sae is entering Katniss's house. I decide to wait a while, not wanting to interrupt anything Sae has to say. I'm not sure what I want to do at first, but then I flash back to Katniss asleep on my chest last night. I make my way back up stairs and enter the bedroom that I have converted in to the place I paint.
When I first arrived here I locked myself in my house, and stayed in this room and painted everything running through my head. At first everything was dark and bleak. When I painted Katniss she was always a mutt, and all I wanted to do was kill her. But the more I painted the more the good memories came back. Eventually I started painting things less gruesome, and slowly, Katniss transformed from a mutt to the beautiful girl I knew she was. Painting helped me to make sense of what I was seeing. It helped me identify the shiny memories from the real. I knew that some of my bad memories of Katniss were real, but the only ones that killed me were the ones of her neglect of what I felt for her. But nothing killed me more than her choosing Gale.
I close my eyes and shake my head to clear it. I had to think back to last night, to remember her beautiful face as she slept in my arms. When I open them all I see in my mind's eye is her. I sat down in front of one of my blank canvases. I grab my paint pallet and begin to place the colors I want on it. I pick up my brush and begin to make my familiar strokes. I remembered how the light from the patio made Katniss' face glow, and how perfect she looked. I let every brush stroke capture what I wanted to remember forever.
As I finished painting her face I realized it was probably safe to go to her house. I set my pallet down and begin to clean up. I keep looking at the work I have done so far, and all I can think is if only knew how beautiful she is. She of course will never believe me, but maybe one day she will see this painting, and she will understand how I see her. I finish cleaning up my materials and I make my way down the stairs and out my front door. When I reach her door I momentarily freeze up. What if she doesn't want to let me in? I gather my senses and decide not to leave her with a choice. She can kick me out if she wants but I know I need to see her, even if it is only for a few minutes.
"Katniss?" I say as I enter her house. Everthing is silent for a few seconds and then I hear.
"I'm in here." Coming from her living room. I enter her living room to see her sitting on her couch looking dazed and confused.
"Hey what are you doing?" I say.
"Uh… nothing." She says obviously feeling disrupted from her thoughts.
"You always were a terrible liar Katniss." I say not wanting to invade her space as I sit on the couch next to her.
"Sorry." She says looking at me curiously.
"Don't be sorry, you have no need to be sorry. What would you like to do today?" I say mimicking her expression.
"Ah… I have no idea. What would you like to do?" She says looking at me still slightly dazed.
"I asked you. But I think we should go for a walk in to town." I say looking away from her hoping she doesn't throw me out of her house.
"Do you think we can handle it?" She says curving her head in an attempt to meet my gaze.
I choose my next words carefully knowing that what I say will make the difference between getting her to leave the house, and getting thrown out of the house.
"I don't know. But I think that if you are willing to go things will be easier, and I think that we both need to leave our own little world here in Victors Village once in a while. Since I'm sure you won't be going to the woods any time soon, we can start small. We don't even have to go all the way to town today, but I think getting out will help us." I say meeting her gaze full of hope.
"Let's go. Like you said we don't even have to go all the way to town today, we can take it slow." She says flashing me her beautiful smile.
I can't help but feel slightly excited as we make our way to her front door. I also feel anxious because I know that at any time she could have a break down and in turn I could have an episode. But I have to stay positive. It's the only way I know for sure that will lead us both through this dark mark on our lives. I look over at Katniss as we make our way down the road of Victors Village to the heart of District 12, and I can see that she is struggling to keep going forward.
"Are you ok?" I say looking at Katniss, bringing her out of her out of her thought.
"Uh…Yea. I think so." She says looking unsure of herself.
"We can turn back if you think this is far enough Katniss. It's ok, I will understand." I say preventing us from walking any further, and looking Katniss straight in the eyes. Katniss is silent for a while before answering. "No. Let's keep going. I think I can do this."
"Then let's do it together." I say as I grab her hand and continue our way to town.
Keeping my reserve I head down the same familiar path to the heart of town. As we reach the edge of the heart of town I feel Katniss squeeze my hand, but this only seems to give me the courage to lead her in to town as far as she will let me. I smile and squeeze her hand hoping that some of the courage that she has just given me will find its way to her.
I stop walking and face Katniss as I say, "Are you ready to go in to town or do you want to stop here?"
"Uh let's keep going I will tell you when I am ready to turn back."Katniss says nervously squeezing my hand tighter.
We walk in to town and I can feel a change in Katniss' movements, instead of the smooth semi confident walk, she turns rigid, and unsteady. She keeps squeezing my hand tighter and tighter but I don't mind as long as she knows I will turn around and take her home as soon as she says the word. Her breathing starts to become irregular. That's when it hits me. She is thinking about how everyone else in town is viewing her. She thinks they blame her. I have to let her know that no one blames her, but here is not the place.
"Katniss, it's ok. Remember we can turn around." I say hoping to calm her down enough to think rationally.
That's when I hear Thom off in the distance. Why did he have to show up now? I turn and talk to him briefly, but when he talks to Katniss I am in a momentary state of shock. This could be good or bad, and judging by the look on her face it may not end as well as I was hoping for our first day out.
I'm holding on to Katniss's hand for dear life, hoping she doesn't try to run away. She says my name bringing me out of my state of silent worry.
"Yea Katniss?" I say trying to hide my worry, but I'm sure it was a failure. She looks like she is about to hyperventilate which only causes me to worry more.
"I think I need to go back." She says as her breathing becomes increasingly shallow.
Without even thinking about it I quickly turn her around as I say "Ok, let's go." But when she tells me to wait I am confused. What happened to the girl who looked like she was about to run out of here and never return. I turn to face Katniss, but she is looking in the direction of the bakery. I wanted her to see the bakery in her own time, when she was ready. But it's too late now, and I hope she doesn't have a meltdown.
With tears forming in her eyes she asks, "Is that the bakery?"
Not knowing what else to do I answer her truthfully. Helping rebuild the bakery was my way of healing. What I don't tell her is helping was my way of letting go of what happened to my family, and to all of Panem. With every detail I could feel the pain from losing them leave my body, I could also feel the guilt slowly make its way out. I had never admitted it to anyone but I felt as guilty as Katniss. All of those people died because I wasn't willing to let her go, and she wasn't willing to let me go. I didn't want to be another piece in their games, and neither did Katniss. Unfortunately that was our undoing from the very beginning. If I had swallowed those damn berries so many lives could have been saved. But I also know that if I had done that, Katniss would have suffered. She had openly rebelled against the capitol, and for that her family and friends would have paid the ultimate price. This world would still be broken, and the games would still be around to keep people hidden away in fear.
I see that by not telling Katniss that I was helping, I hurt her. I explain why I left her in the dark about the bakery for so long, hoping that she knows I regret this more than anything. I pull her close to me in hopes that she will know that I will never leave her out of my business again, and then I hear words that make my heart soar.
"I want to see it. I want to see the one building that means the most to you."
I know that Katniss will never believe me but the building that means the most to me will always be the one that I will hopefully one day share with her. I come out of my small daze, when I realize that taking her anywhere but home is a bad idea.
I hurriedly tell her, "No Katniss, you aren't ready I can see that now. I pushed you too far, too fast". This hurts me deeply but I know I have to be strong if I want to help her conquer her fears of the world without Prim.
"Peeta, I need to do this, and I need you to do it with me. Ok?" Katniss says.
There it is my name leaving her lips, and her grey eyes locked in mine. Looking deep in to her eyes I can see that she is telling me the truth, there is a part of her that needs to see the bakery. I just wish I knew why.
I give in, and take her in to the bakery, but not before I know that she understands that I will take her back home the moment she says she can't handle any more. Her hand still in mine we both stand inside the bakery I will be running soon, looking in wonderment. I haven't been here to help in a few weeks. I was told there was no need for me to be here while they put in all of the appliances and furniture. Katniss took the words right out of my mouth when we were standing outside. This place truly is beautiful. I will make sure that this place will stay full of good memories, instead of haunting ones. I can't help but think back to the bakery my parents ran. It may have been a peaceful place once, but I'm certain that was long before my mother and father married. Things were always clouded in darkness with my mother around. Something I wish was a part of the false memories.
I feel Katniss's hand leave mine, as she goes to explore the counter top. This is the most content I think I have ever seen Katniss. Her mouth is slightly upturned, almost like a smile, and she is moving fluidly without making a single noise. No wonder she is such a good hunter. Her small movements that make no noise mesmerize me, I can only imagine what an animal would do. Katniss's face changes from one of wonder to confusion mixed with curiosity. I then realize it's because of what I like to call the false counter. I laugh as she looks at me bewildered and asks, "Won't it be hard to walk underneath the counter top Peeta?"
My answer and demonstration seem to be enough to satisfy her curiosity. To make her feel less goofy, we make our way to the back part of the bakery where all the baking will take place. It's me who looks goofy now, of that I'm sure. The kitchen is more than I could ever have imagined. I figured everything back here would be identical to what my family had growing up, but instead I am greeted by a new shiny world back here. The difference is I like this shiny. Everything is perfect. I make my way around the kitchen looking through and touching everything. I look over at Katniss to see her watching every move I am making.
"All of this is mine." I say smiling and feeling happiness wash over me.
She smiles warmly at me, and says, "Yes it is."
Seeing her standing there looking happy, makes my brain shut down. I rely completely on gut reaction as I make my way to her, and gently kiss her lips. Like I had hoped, she accepts my affection. We stand there locked in each other's arms for some time before she pulls away. When I open my eyes I see that Katniss has turned red in the face. That's when I hear the reason why.
It's the workers Cole, Justin, and Roe. But it's Cole who speaks while the other two snicker like the fools they are. Not knowing how to explain myself I turn around hoping that when I face him actual words will come out of my mouth. But to my dismay they don't instead I stand there struggling to figure out what I should say until Cole realizes who I am. I feel my face redden, as I awkwardly greet him. I hardly acknowledge our conversation in my head, I just answer his questions hoping not to cause Katniss any distress.
He must sense this because his next statement is an attempt at changing the subject. "Uh huh. Right, looking around. Well if you don't mind we are going to get back to work. Will we be seeing you tomorrow?" as Cole says this Justin and Roe make their way past Katniss and I. Taking their cue I grab Katniss's hand and make our way to the shops front doors.
Once outside I can feel the embarrassment of the moment burn in my cheeks. To try and make the previous moments easier I look over at Katniss and smile while stating, "Well that was embarrassing."
"Yes it was." Katniss replies with a smile on her face as we continue our way to Victors Village.
For the first time in a long time I laugh uncontrollably. I love the feeling of happiness that is overwhelming me. I look at Katniss as she laughs and she is a whole new person. She is glowing with happiness, and for the first time since I can remember she looks like she has let go, and is free. When we reach her door we have both calmed down enough for her to unlock her door, but still have the looks of utter happiness. I vow to myself in that moment that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make her look and feel this way as often as I can.