Chapter 5: The Shrink
A/N: I only planned the one scene in this chapter, but then I decided to build upon it. It allows me to provide more information about Richard's current situation.
"Sometimes I think you're more interested in writing some paper about me then getting me better."
Dr Amelia Conner considered her response carefully, "My number one priority is your welfare Richard, however you are aware that your condition is very rare and in order to learn more about it I may occasionally ask you to take part in tasks that may not be directly related to your recovery. However I have always made it clear such tasks are voluntary, have I not?"
"Yes," he conceded. "But then the results always seem to fascinating to you and I wonder if you want me to go back to normal."
"I'm glad you're being open about this Richard," Dr Conner told him. "I will be honest, your results are fascinating. As you know I was the police psychologist who assessed you at the academy, and then before and after the work you did for Special Branch. As a consequence I truly understand the dramatic changes to your personality."
"You mean like how my empathy quotient has jumped 15 points from below average to within normal ranges for a male? Or how my IQ remains the same, but I'm no longer some sort of narcissist who feels the need to show off just how smart he is? Oh and let's not forget that apparently it's very interesting that my accuracy with firearms is the same as before the accident, except now I seem to show a much greater confidence in their use."
Dr Conner was taken aback, "How do you know that Richard?"
"You know Tuesday when you had to deal with a patient who'd come in out of the blue? I read my file whilst you were out of the room."
"I was gone for 5 minutes!" Amelia exclaimed.
"Speed-reading, another skill I have apparently retained," he said, nodding his head towards the file.
"You know, before the events that triggered your current state Richard you would never have dared read your file if I'd left the room. And as I have already admitted, I do find that highly interesting. You are also right about something else, I don't want you back to normal, not necessarily. What I want is for you to feel comfortable with who you are, weather that is with your memories or not," She leaned forward and tried to catch his eye, but he was staring resolutely at the floor. "Did what you read bother you, Richard?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I don't know if I want to go back to being the emotionally retarded arrogant know-it-all I apparently was."
Dr Conner felt a pang of sympathy for her patient, "Richard, at no point in my notes about you now or then did I ever call you emotionally retarded or narcissistic. I get the idea that these are conclusions you have drawn, and I don't think they just came from what is written in that file."
"I haven't remembered that much more," he said, and she believed him, but that didn't mean he wasn't holding something back. For the first time, she felt like she might be seeing the influence of his true personality.
"No, but maybe there is something you haven't told me yet. I know that I must seem like somebody you should be wary of, after all I can sign you off for work again. But it is literally a signature, I never discuss with your superiors anything you tell me here. I tell them you're ready or you aren't, and they have to take my word for it."
Richard reached into his rucksack and pulled out an envelope. From it, he removed a single photograph, which he passed to Amelia. She scrutinised it quickly, clearly a candid shot of Richard with another woman, smiling at each other. As a psychologist she could probably draw a lot of conclusions about the relationship between the two individuals from their body language alone. But she needed to know what Richard thought of the photograph.
"Tell me about this," she said, placing it on the low table that separated the two of them.
"As I was leaving Saint Marie, one of the officers came to the airport and gave me this envelope full of photographs and other keep sakes. I assume he was trying to help."
"That seems likely. Do you remember when this photo was taken?"
"No," he said rather unhelpfully, and she scolded herself for asking a closed question.
"Who is the woman?"
"Camille, she's a detective on Saint Marie."
"Yes, of course, you've remained in quite close contact with her. What is it about this photograph that bothers you, Richard?"
He hesitated, and then let everything go at once, "I don't remember anything about that night that photo was taken. I don't know where we are, or who is taking the photo. But I do remember exactly how I felt. When I look at it, I remember how I felt at that exact moment."
"And how did you feel?"
He didn't answer, his face clearly said he had no intention of doing so.
"Richard, fugue states are triggered by stressful events. The car crash was a major contributing factor, but other stresses and worries would have contributed to it. We need to look at your life from before the accident and help you deal with those issues. Now I'm not stupid Richard, I can surmise a lot about your feelings from this photograph alone, but I'd rather know you were willing to work with me on this."
"It's just so…stupid!" He said, frustration evident.
"What is?"
"Knowing you are in love with somebody even though you barely remember anything about them! I don't know when my own mother's birthday is, but I know that I'm in love with her. It's not even allowed!"
Dr Conner allowed a small pause for Richard to get over the explosive nature of his statement, it seemed to have come as more of a shock to him than to her, "I'm not going to deny that you have found yourself in a very strange situation here Richard. You know I can remember a quote from my degree, 'That which we have not thought deeply about is soon forgotten'. Though I can't remember who said it…"
She won a brief smile from her patient, "I think here, we might be dealing with the opposite. You probably, quite naturally, spent a lot of time considering your feelings for this woman. As you have pointed out such a relationship would have been frowned upon. Perhaps the level of thought given to the matter made it harder to erase than other memories. We also have to consider the fact that you have received news of your transfer back to the UK, which would take you away from somebody you feel certain you are in love with, and I think anyone would also find that highly stressful."
"You think that all of," he gestured vaguely in the air. "This, led to the fugue state."
"I think we have to consider the possibility. I certainly think that dealing with your feelings for her will be an important step in ensuring good mental health."
"So I need to try and get over her? I have been giving it a go."
Amelia resisted the urge to sigh, she really wished that Richard had discussed this with her rather than deciding his own treatment, "Why do you have to 'get over her'?"
Richard looked at her like the question was the most ridiculous he'd ever heard, "Well she hardly feels the same!"
"Do you remember her rejecting you?"
"No."
"Then what evidence do you have to draw that conclusion?" She asked.
Richard looked reluctant to answer, "I'm…me. Or was. She can do a lot better than me."
"I think we need to talk through those self-esteem issues as well. I want you to start writing down evidence for and against these negative thoughts you have about yourself in time for next week."
"Uh, about that," Richard had shrunk in his seat a little, and Dr Conner wondered what on Earth he was going to surprise her with this time. "Could we maybe skip next week?"
"For what reason?" She asked, curiously.
"Camille is coming to visit," this was said rather quickly, Amelia got the impression in the hopes she'd actually miss the name.
"Well then, that is interesting. And for how long?"
"A week."
"Okay, Richard, I would like you to do me a favour. Take it as a holiday, I mean how many Londoners can actually act as tourists in their own city? And I absolutely do not want you to make any assumptions about how she feels about you. I would like it if you could find out for certain what you were fighting about the night of the accident, as I think that would help us make progress, but don't bring it up unless you feel comfortable doing so."
"That's quite a lot of favours," he told her rather cheekily.
"Well consider it revenge for you dropping bombshells on me all session. Call me if you feel the need to discuss anything."