As I am coming to the end of college (WHOOP!) I decided to have a check of my college network drive thingy (my files on the college computer that you can access remotely) for any stuff I might need. Anyway as it turns out I've barely saved any college stuff on it but I did find fic (this one) that I've written a fair few parts of - I'd almost forgotten that I'd . I must have been working really damn hard in these lessons :D (and must have been blocked because I'm sure I'd have uploaded it otherwise)
Set during Divided We Fall.
He stands with the pregnancy test in his hands, watching her. He thinks he can see the fear in her eyes, and he understands that. He doesn't want to show it, but he's terrified. He wants to be a father, has wanted a family for longer than he'd care to admit but this is a situation in to which he isn't sure it's fair to bring a child. In his ideal scenario his future child would have been conceived with the woman with whom he was in a committed long term relationship; married even. But there is a part of him that is pleased that his potential child was created with this woman. She is a woman who he loves, loves with so much of his being that it almost kills him to know that they aren't together, and yet a part of him hates her too. He hates what she does to him, how she has tried to strip him of his dignity; to put him in his place. She is the woman who he cannot be without, and yet sometimes he wonders how on earth he can be with her. He glances down at the window, the lines still forming, before he returns his gaze to her face.
"For once in your life be honest with me; what do you want this to say?" he speaks the words, and watches as her face changes. As she considers the question that he has asked. He watches as she closes her eyes, momentarily blocking him and the world around them out. He can see in the way her body language changes, how the question has unnerved her, forcing her to confront her feelings over this situation. Finally she opens her eyes, and he sees the torment in them.
"Positive" the word she speaks is barely audible and he almost finds himself doubting that he heard her correctly. He hadn't been expecting it, and momentarily it leaves him speechless. He sees the corners of her lips twitch up in the tiniest implication of a smile, at the moment between them. "And you?" the question falls from her lips, and he feels the way she watches him.
"The same" they are the words he knows she wants to hear, and that in many ways doesn't expect too. He isn't certain of his own honesty, though he has little doubt about hers. He thinks he wants the result to be positive, to have a child who will call him daddy and whom he will love. But their situation is so messy. They force themselves to be civil and professional on the ward, even going so far as to feign indifference – or at least he knows his is feigned. They talk so little outside of what is needed, no light hearted conversations at the desk. There is an atmosphere between them; a tension. If the result was negative, they wouldn't bring a child in to it; force the child to have parents who have to fight to be civil in front of the child even though they'll know full well the child is aware of the tension. If the result is negative, things would be easier. But then if it was positive perhaps the child could bring them back together, a thought that causes his own lips to twist upwards; and isn't that what he truly wants? Everything in his head is so conflicted.
"What's it say then?" she asks, flicking her wrist at the object in his hands. She is sure the number of minutes waiting has passed, though she wishes she had thought to time. He takes an intake of breath as he prepares himself to view his – their – fate; their future to be decided by lines on a viewing window.
He opens his fist slightly, revealing the test he holds in his hand. It's hospital brand, not one of the expensive ones in the shops that spell it out for. Pregnant. Not pregnant. There can be no confusion there. It'll even tell you the number of weeks. The age of your embryo. This is different though. Their embryo existed, she knew of its existence and didn't tell him, and now they stand here waiting to find out if it is still with them. There is something almost cruel about it, discovering its existence and loss in almost the same moment.
He forces himself back to the moment, to concentrate on the little viewing window. He forces his mind to work properly. He has done these tests on patients, to confirm they aren't pregnant before surgery and yet information which normally is routine to him suddenly seems alien. He has to think to remember what the lines mean, despite the fact it's obvious. He stares at the little window, willing it change again.
"Tell me Jonny" the words are a plea, she cannot wait much longer and he feels his heart hammering in his chest. Their fate decided, confirmed but the plastic object he holds. He looks up at her. He cans see the desperation in her eyes.
"I'm so sorry Jac" the words are whisper, he doesn't want to say them; to make it real. His fingers close over the test, hiding the window and it's taunting single line. He watches as her expression changes, her features crumple, folding in on themselves as a sheen of tears fills her eyes. He sees the realisation dawn on her, though he isn't sure if it's the realisation of the result or of her reaction; bringing home just how much this had meant to her.
He tries to reach out towards her with his free hand, wanting to comfort the woman; struck by the reaction she has, the emotion she shows. Through the sheen of tears, she sees him, studies his face. He watches this, the way she scrutinises him and then she is gone. He barely sees her go, the movement fast and desperate. He knows why. He cannot see her like this. He leans against the sinks in the ladies, holding the thin plastic in his hand, it suddenly feels a lot heavier.