I really hope this is ok and thank you to anyone reading :)
She sits on the fire escape steps, her body wrapped up in her Holby hoodie though it brings her little warmth. She knows she should go back inside, that her body is slowly beginning to freeze sitting her but she cannot bring herself to move. At the very least, the cold is numbing her or at the very least it is numbing her physically. Her mind refuses to slow, instead thoughts race within it, tormenting her with the knowledge of the single line that had existed on the test he'd held. She hadn't even seen it, and yet the image is emblazoned in her mind, the line dances and flashes; the neon sign telling her that the baby is lost. Only it isn't a baby, it wasn't yet even recognisably human but her mind tells her it was a baby, her baby and she cannot push that away.
She hears a sound behind her, and she turns slightly, she has been found and that surprises her. She hadn't expected anyone to bother coming looking. She has her friend, her Sacha, but he has much more important issues than her emotional wellbeing and besides which he doesn't even know; or at the very least she hasn't told him. So he wouldn't have come. There is the registrar also but she doubts she would come looking for her, yes she has shown care, concern even, but she doubts that is more than looking out for the interests of her best friend and what would have been his offspring rather than actual worry for her.
Her tear filled gaze comes to rest on the intruders face, and hastily she swipes at her eyes trying to hide the evidence of her tears though she knows it's in vain. She knows her eyes are red, and that her cheeks are streaked with the tears she has already shed, knows that her eyes gleam with those waiting to come. She doesn't want him here, would rather he walked away and left her to come to terms with it; only he comes towards her. She shrinks against the rails, wishing they could swallow her whole. He takes his place next to her, hands rested in his lap though she can tell he is itching to move an arm around her. She is torn as to whether she wants this, knows that if he does she'll fall against his body and that the sobs that are building within her will tear free. She knows she cannot afford to let that happen.
"Why're you here Jonny?" the question though directed at him is spoken in to the dark night. She can just about make out a few pin prick stars in the sky through her blurred vision. She hears him shuffle a little, trying to get comfortable on the hard metal. She is numb to that discomfort now.
"We need to talk" his response is careful, but he doesn't sound sad like she would have expected. This is a talk that she doesn't want; having to discuss it makes it all the more real. She wishes he hadn't found out – has no idea how he even did – and now they have to talk about how it no longer exists. They have to talk about why she didn't tell him but she can't do this now. She isn't strong enough to do this now, and yet she cannot let him see that she is weak either.
"Not now Jonny" the words come out as a shuddery whisper, and she hates that. She should have forced herself to sound harsher, more like her normal self but they slipped forth before she could do so. She closes her eyes, and tries to control her breathing, feels a shiver run through her. She feels him change position again, though she cannot bring herself to look at him.
"We should get you inside, you're freezing" he states the obvious, and she has to force herself not to shiver again though she isn't sure how long she can prevent it; her body tensed in an attempt of doing so. His concern touches her a little, but not much. She doesn't care anymore, it doesn't matter. She can sit here and freeze and it'll have no consequence, it won't matter anymore. If she wanted, she could go out tonight and drink as much as she wanted, to forget about the day, to drown the sorrows she feels despite trying to tell herself it doesn't matter. That really it is for the best.
"It doesn't matter" she whispers again, not pulling her eyes from the dark night. She hears his intake of breath, knows that the cold is getting to him far quicker than it did to her. It takes longer for the cold to penetrate the rock hard ice that she is formed from. That's why this is for the best, even the child wouldn't be able to melt the ice, she would become her mother and have abandoned the little being. But she had felt something towards it, felt the warmth in her heart at the thought of that future though she had tried to ignore it, tries to forget it now. Only it isn't so easy.
"The test was positive Jac" he says the words in a rush, and she blinks, thinking that she's misheard. She turns to look at him, tries to read his face. She can see concern in his face, concern for the state she is currently in. but she thinks he looks honest, genuine even and that she cannot understand. He had told her when she had pleaded with him for the result that it was negative, and that had made sense to her; she had known that his lips would form those words. And yet now he is saying something different.
"You said it was negative" she looks him in the eye as she speaks, letting him see her face and the evidence of the emotions she has shown. She sees his eyes searching her, studying her face and for the briefest of moments she feels shame and embarrassment that he can see her like this but she needs to understand, she has to see him to understand.
"It's positive" he repeats again, and she trusts that he is speaking what he believes to be the truth though she cannot understand this change. She thinks about how cold she is, and that she should be protecting the being, that she had lost all care. She swallows hard.
"But you said it was negative" she repeats, her voice suddenly harsher as she thinks things through. As she thinks of her run through the hospital, of trying to hide the evidence of her breakdown, of having broken down and trying to stop herself mourning, how she had struggled to do so, "was it a game to you? A way of checking that when I said positive, I was telling the truth. Did you honestly that that little faith in my honesty that you felt the only way to test me was to lie?" the words tumble from her lips as she feels anger grow within her, she watches his expression, his shock at her words. She wonders what on earth he was thinking of, and what he is thinking now.
"Jac, I" he tries to start but she holds up a hand to stop him, she doesn't want to hear his excuses. To her nothing can excuse the lie. She feels sick at the thought of it, of how he made her feel. She forces herself to swallow back the bile that rises in her throat.
"How could that seem like a good idea to you? To make me think that my one chance had been taken away from me, made me feel like I had lost everything; to make me think that my womb was nothing more than a barren wasteland so useless that it couldn't even protect my child when I'm already acutely aware of the pointlessness of this organ within my body. Or did you think that Jac Naylor is so truly the hardened icy bitch that everyone thinks she is that finding out her body has miscarried her child will have absolutely no effect on her emotional well-being; did you think that I was so cold, so unmaternal that I would perhaps even be happy; that I would have lied because that is what I wanted you to hear, what I thought you wanted to hear even though that doesn't fit with the image of me as the bitch? Was it worth it Jonny?" she feels the tears start to slip down her cheeks once more as she speaks, her words laced with a desperate anger. She sees the shock in his face.
"I wouldn't do that, I don't think that" she hears his own desperation, the way his words come out in a plea. His face blurs in front of her eyes and she turns back away from him.
"It's what you've done" she shakes her head, looking down at the step below her. She can't quite believe that he would do this to her, the hurt that she feels because of it. She cannot quite let herself believe that what he says is true, that she truly is still pregnant but she feels the slight budding of hope once again.
"That's not how it was" she wishes she could believe him, but now she cannot. It confirms to her somewhere in the back of her mind that she was right not to tell him, that he is playing games with her now. And this hurts her all the more. She had been forced over the last few weeks to think of him, to think properly about her feelings for him and she had come to realise that still she loved him; despite everything. And now once again love has left her hurting.
"Then how was it Jonny – how did a negative test suddenly become a positive one?" the question is once again asked in to the darkness and she feels her mind tick over, the sensible logical part of her taking over as something starts to make sense in her head. She breathes hard and fast, her heart racing as more tears rush to her eyes. "You idiot, please don't tell me you were stupid enough to look at the test again – that you waited more minutes and then you looked again; please don't tell me you were stupid enough to do that" she feels the bud of hope wither slightly in side of her, the pain returning as it does.
"I was about to throw it and I looked down and the second line was there, and there was the second line – a proper one; it was pink and everything" he speaks in a rush, and she feels the bile rising again. In this moment she hates him, hates him for what he is doing to her and the tangle of emotions he is causing. He had brought her hope once more and now he dashes it again.
"And how long did you wait Jonny? How long were you stood there before you looked again?" she sounds so desperate and she hates that about herself, hates the way she is almost pleading with him to give an answer that she wants, that will mean something good but she knows in her heart that it won't. She knows it's over.
"I don't know, five minutes maybe more, maybe less, I just don't know" he sounds confused, he doesn't understand why she sounds so desperate, why she is acting like this and she wishes he understood her more but that is her own fault. She has kept him pushed out rather than trusting him. In this situation she thinks she has done the right thing; that this pain proves that she was right about him and about her and yet she thinks things could have been different if she had been different, if she had been open.
"You idiot, you stupid idiot" words tear from her throat, joined by a sob which she wishes she had been able to suppress. Everything is slipped away from her again, and she has to get away only she is stiff from the cold, "everyone knows that after a certain amount of time, a negative test should be disregarded, that it can turn positive but it's still a negative test. It's still negative" she whispers the final sentence, feeling the tears run down her cheeks once again. Negative the word chases around her brain. Flashing like a neon sign. It dances on the black of the inside of her eyelids. Spelt out in the stars in the sky. It is everywhere around her and she cannot escape it.
She hears him try to say something, words that make little sense; that don't quite reach her ears properly, distorted by the night. She doesn't want him here, can't bear him near her, not like this. He cannot see this, cannot know what he has done. She pushes away from him, body stiff and sore. She walks down the stairs away from him, her shift is over. She can escape, get away from here. She has to get away from him, she cannot see him for now. She needs quiet, respite to come to terms with this. With each step, she feels another little part of her die, it hardens and withers. Her heart of black ice splinters, close to shattering completely. If she doesn't escape she will be lost once again. She hears her name called in his accent behind her, but she keeps going. Keeps going until she gets in to her car and she drives not knowing where she'll end up, vision blurred. She drives until she can drive no more, tomorrow she'll phone in sick, try to use holiday she is owed, anything to get time away from him and that place until she is stronger, until she can face them once more.
When she stops, she collapses against the wheel, one hand snaking down on to an abdomen which is empty beneath her fingers. and the silent tears become sobs that wrack her body.