A/N: Welp. I set out to finish some of the stories I started and then never got around to finishing, and this one popped up as the first to take a look at….cue me realizing there's no way to tie it up neatly in one chapter. So here's a bit more, and there will be a few more updates to come for this story before it's done, I think. Hopefully some of you out there are still reading!
Chloe couldn't help the small smile as Beca played with her fingers, trying to pay attention to what Aubrey was saying.
The brunette had become far more comfortable with touching Chloe since the night of the party, and the older girl relished the sign that Beca was starting to trust her more. The touches were small; fingertips grazing as they walked next to each other, subtly leaning against the redhead when they were seated together, a hand on the small of her back when they moved around each other at practices.
They were small, but they were kind of everything and Chloe clung to them with the hope that they represented Beca finally beginning to settle into herself. There were other minute changes in the younger girl and how she carried herself too- she held eye contact for a few seconds instead of immediately looking to the ground now, and her posture had changed from being constantly curled in on herself, as if expecting a blow at any minute, to slightly straighter. And when she did falter, hesitating when asked a question, or maybe not wanting to do something social with the other girls out of fear that she would be awkward and uncomfortable, Chloe was there to reassure her with light touches and tender smiles.
Knowing that Chloe believed in her, and seeing the redhead willingly prove it to her time and again, was new for Beca, and sometimes strange, but in the best way possible, because the way Chloe's eyes seemed to soften every time their gazes met? It was kind of perfect and made Beca feel weirdly giddy inside that the emotion there, the blatant affection, was for her.
She had never before contemplated that maybe caring for someone else could show up in a wicked grin, the brush of a thumb across the back of her hand, or the feel of arms wrapping her up in a haze of safety and comfort. Beca was hesitant to call it love, because that was kind of a huge word and she didn't throw it around lightly, but she was running out of reasons to avoid using that particular word.
Growing up, she had thought that love meant sacrifice. Sacrifice had been the only language she had to show that she cared about someone.
Sometimes it was small things, like sacrificing your favorite meal so that the other person could have what they wanted instead, or pretending not to have an opinion about things so that the other person could have their way and do what made them happy.
Sometimes it was bigger things, like the time a thirteen-year-old Beca was at a party and things got out of hand and she found herself alone in a room with a guy who had a mean glint in his eye, and an older girl- Amber- who had become kind of like a sister to Beca opened the door and told the guy he didn't really want Beca, he wanted someone with more…experience. And as the other girl had pushed Beca out of the room, Beca had caught the shine of tears in her eyes before the door was shut in her face, and the next time she saw Amber she almost didn't recognize her because her face was so swollen and bruised.
And Beca had thought about how Amber had sacrificed herself, offering up her own body to protect Beca's, and she thought that sacrifice like that had to be the ultimate way of showing that you loved somebody. It seemed pretty clear-cut back then; if you really loved someone, you had to give up pieces of who you were, bits of your thoughts and dreams, and sometimes you had to give your actual self if the situation was bad enough.
The first time she had a crush on someone, though she didn't even fully recognize it as that at the time, she spent hours imagining scenarios in which the other person- their name had been Morgan- was in danger, and Beca had to sweep in and jump in front of a bullet, or let the kidnapper take her instead. All of her elaborate scenarios ended with Morgan looking at her as she lay dying, or was being carried off by a mad man, and knowing that Beca loved her.
In Beca's mind, a bigger sacrifice meant a bigger love, and so if she was willing to sacrifice everything then Morgan would have to know how Beca felt. If you really loved someone, then you had to be willing to give up anything and everything at a moment's notice to prove it.
She had never dreamed that there might be another way of going about things, until Chloe came along and started disproving her previously-neat theory, dismantling it slowly but surely.
Chloe didn't ask her to ignore or give up the things that defined her; in fact, the redhead was fiercely protective of the things Beca was passionate about. Chloe encouraged her to speak her mind, to think about difficult questions and then be honest about the conclusions she came to. The redhead was constantly questioning, seemingly seeking to better understand Beca and where she was coming from, and in turn giving the brunette the opportunity to voice her opinions.
That wasn't to say that Chloe didn't share her own thoughts, or that she agreed with Beca about everything.
It was just….with Chloe, there seemed to be enough space for both of them to exist simultaneously as complete individuals and as a pair, and Beca wondered if maybe that wasn't better. To be whole and still loved, and conversely to love the whole of someone else, all while still being able to be together….not that she and Chloe were together, at least not in any romantic sense of the word, but the general principle, even in friendship, was remarkable to Beca.
Blushing a bit at the thought of a relationship with the redhead, she caught Chloe watching her curiously from the corner of her eye and ducked her head in embarrassment. The other girl turned her hand over in Beca's and stroked her fingers soothingly, not sure what had caused the brunette to look away but intrigued nonetheless. Beca glanced up and caught Chloe's eye, the corners of her lips lifting slightly to reassure the other girl that nothing was wrong before mouthing "Later."
The memory of brushing her lips against the corner of Chloe's mouth was still all too vivid, although not in an unpleasant way. It was just that Beca honestly had no idea if Chloe was even into girls, or if she would ever consider a relationship with Beca in the first place. The younger girl certainly wasn't opposed to the idea, but she was nervous. It felt like she still had so much to learn, so much to grow before she would ever be able to keep up with Chloe.
If she did this, she wanted to do it right, for both their sakes. Chloe deserved someone who could love her, and in a healthy way, and Beca was starting to think that maybe she deserved both to be able to give that to someone else and also to receive it. She owed it to herself to work through more of her shit before dragging anyone else into a romantic relationship with her…but that didn't mean she was immune to Chloe's charms or was able to prevent her mind from dreaming about what it would be like.
Aubrey clapping her hands drew Beca out of her thoughts, and she blinked as she realized that practice was over. Chloe stood and Beca reluctantly disentangled their fingers before stretching and reaching around to grab her book bag. She was covering a shift at the radio station for someone and had to walk to the opposite side of campus, which meant she needed to get moving if she didn't want to be late and have to deal with Luke bitching her out.
Giggling as Beca wiggled her fingers at her in a half-wave before backing out the door, Chloe suddenly remembered that she forgot to tell Beca about the team-bonding activity for the weekend and ran out the door after her. "Beca!" She yelled, almost laughing as the brunette spun around and faced her in confusion. "Team movie night at mine and Aubrey's tomorrow night, be there yeah?"
Smiling, Beca feigned irritation but nodded, her eyes full of laughter as Chloe grinned and ducked back inside.
Aubrey almost sighed as she saw her best friend come back inside with a stupidly large smile on her face. The rest of the team had already left, so she decided to cut to the chase and asked, "What's going on wit you and Beca?"
"Wha- Nothing is going on with us, Aubrey," Chloe replied, startled at the sudden question.
Watching her friend carefully, the blonde cautiously stated, "But you wish something was."
Looking up at Aubrey nervously, Chloe bit her lip before hesitantly nodding. Aubrey was her best friend, and the other girl would know in a heartbeat if she tried to lie about something like this. Seeing the way Chloe was eyeing her, Aubrey felt a pang as she realized that Chloe was scared of how she was going to react. Opening her arms and muttering, "Get over here," she felt the air leave her lungs as Chloe all but tackled her, squeezing her tightly.
Exhaling slowly, she hugged Chloe, trying to reassure her that she had nothing to worry about. A few seconds later Chloe pulled back and mock-glared at Aubrey, slightly confused. "But you hate Beca."
Smirking, Aubrey nodded. "Sure. How could I not, with those awful things stuck in her ears?"
Poking the blonde in the arm for her comment, Chloe squinted up at her suspiciously. "For supposedly hating her, you're remarkably okay with this."
Sighing and letting her smirk fade into a more sincere smile, Aubrey shrugged lightly. "As much as it pains me to see you two all over each other, and as much as I wish you could have found someone more….agreeable, she makes you happy. You know that's all I really want, Chlo."
Burying her face in Aubrey's neck, Chloe sniffled a little as she hugged Aubrey to her again. She didn't know what she would have done if Aubrey had hated her for liking Beca. The blonde had known that Chloe liked girls for a while, courtesy of walking in on the redhead with one sophomore year, but Chloe hadn't known how the older girl would react to her liking this girl. Knowing that Aubrey wasn't upset with her was a weight off her shoulders, and she mumbled a thank you into the blonde's skin as a wave of relief swept over her.
Kissing the top of Chloe's head before pulling back, Aubrey tugged the redhead over to sit up against the wall with her, smiling as Chloe immediately laced their fingers and leaned her head on Aubrey's shoulder. She had watched their freshman year as Chloe had fallen apart trying to figure out how to navigate the world, and had helped her figure out what pieces of her old self she wanted to keep when Chloe had crawled into bed with her one night and told her that she wanted- needed- to change.
She had been secretly happy that the redhead's tactile nature had remained unaffected, at least between the two of them. She had always found Chloe's desire for physical contact to be endearing, and displays like her current one made her want to coo at how adorable the smaller girl could be.
"So," Aubrey asked once they were both settled, "If you like her that much then why aren't you with her yet?"
"She's….well, she's kind of like I was our first year, Bree." Chloe said softly, trying to figure out how to explain it to Aubrey. "She's just starting to figure things out, and I don't want to risk rushing her in to anything. I would never forgive myself if she felt like I took advantage of her trust to push her into something she wasn't ready for."
Nodding at the redhead's words, Aubrey thought for a moment before saying, "Are you just waiting for her to make the first move then? Because that's not entirely fair either."
"But-" Chloe started to protest before cutting herself off as Aubrey shot her a look.
"You know it's not fair to her if you put all of the responsibility on her, Chlo. And it's not fair for you either to play the martyr and ignore what you want completely just because you're worried about her." Squeezing Chloe's hand to take some of the sting out of her words, Aubrey continued, "I'm not saying you need to jump into bed with her Chloe. I think everything you mentioned is important to take into consideration, but I don't want you to hide behind that either. You need to think about finding more of a balance between respecting her and not treating her like she's about to break. Beca's an adult, Chlo, she's perfectly capable of making her own choices about these types of things."
Chloe bit her lip, tears filling her eyes as a bolt of vulnerability struck her. Not looking at Aubrey, she murmured, "But what do I do if she doesn't choose me, Bree?"
Shifting so she could wrap an arm around Chloe and pull her more firmly against her side, Aubrey waited for a moment before quietly saying, "Then we figure out how to move forward from there. But trust me, Chloe, the way she looks at you sometimes…it's like she never wants you to be anywhere other than next to her. It's sickeningly sweet."
Laughing a little even through her tears as Aubrey grumbled the last bit, Chloe nodded hesitantly. Maybe the blonde was right. Snuggling into Aubrey's side, Chloe sighed. She was still worried and didn't see herself jumping to start anything with Beca in the near future, but Aubrey's words reminded her that she needed to trust Beca to know what she wanted.
She just hoped that what Beca wanted….was her.