Cloud Nine

Nothing. For weeks, I felt nothing. I did nothing. I said nothing. I hid from the world. Ran from my duties. Ignored the man in the sky. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. Didn't want to hear what anyone had to say. Time was meshing together. Life went on, though William's didn't. I wanted everything to stop. At least for a while. Why couldn't anyone allow me my privacy?

That was all I wanted. I wanted to be alone. No, I didn't want to be alone; I wanted to be with Will again. I wanted to see his smile, dry his tears, hold him once more. His kiss left a bitter taste in my mouth I couldn't wash away. I screamed often. Screaming and crying was all I knew how to do. I don't think there was a time my eyes were dry for more than five minutes. My throat was raw from how many times I screamed.

I screamed whenever I saw the scene in my head. It replayed often. All the blood, all the gore…

If I ever ate, I might have vomited. I didn't sleep, so I had no escape from reality. I had to continue on with life hovering over me like a dark cloud.

Why? I wondered that every single day. Why did this happen? What could I have done to prevent this? Should I have ignored the possibilities of consequence and never made Will feel for so many people? It was true, what he said. It was my fault. His death was avoidable. If he never met me…If I didn't get attached to him, or if I listened to him…He would still be here. It was all my fault. All my fault. All my fault…

I sat in Paris, France the entire time. The City of Love. The citizens were building a majestic tower of which I'd never seen. Within the time I spent watching them, they finished on the very last day of March. They called it the Eiffel Tower. It glowed brighter than anything I'd ever seen. All I could think of was how much I longed for Will to be there with me, to see its beauty with me.

I sat in clear view of the world, yet everyone who passed went through me. Like I wasn't there. Like I didn't exist. I might as well have not been alive. For the rest of the month and a week into April, I didn't hear from my spirit friends. I was fine with that. I didn't want to talk to them anyway.

Tooth wouldn't understand. Sandy had no words. North's careful vernacular wouldn't help. Would Bunny be glad that the man I was in love with was gone? What about Hallow? Did she even know that Will was...? Did she care? She must have. She wasn't heartless.

Every night until I was found, I would sit and wonder; sit and watch the lightshow; sit and cry. One night, as I sat and did nothing, I was finally found.

"I should have looked in France first, huh?" she said. It was Hallow. She stood behind me, watching my next move, awaiting my response. She got none. "So, why Paris of all places?" She crossed her arms and stood beside me. Her orange eyes admired the grand structure before us.

My chin rested on my knees, my arms wrapped around my stomach. My red eyes were locked on the Eiffel Tower, but I was looking at nothing. At first I didn't think I would answer, could answer. But I found my voice, hoarse and light. "It's the City of Love," I answered. "I wanted to see this…Tower…" It was a weak defense. Honestly, it was the first place I fell while I was uselessly trying to fly away.

Hallow thought about this a moment. She knew I was lying. She knew there was a story behind my puffy eyes, weak voice, and lifeless expression. She chose to approach the question with caution. "You know, we've been looking for you," she said, "me, Bunny, and Sandy. We were worried." I stayed quiet. She smiled. "You play a mean game of hide-and-go-seek. Have you been here the whole time?"

I wasn't in the mood for jokes. I wasn't in the mood for anything.

When Hallow realized this, she sighed deeply and ran her fingers through her short hair. "Alright, I give. What happened?" Still, I said nothing. "The world hasn't heard from Cupid in over a month. What gives?"

Oh. That's right. I was supposed to bring love to the world. I neglected the universe for over a month. It felt like an eternity. I thought about it – why I went into hiding – and tears came to my eyes. I was so tired of crying, but I couldn't stop. A question was asked and I had to tell her sooner or later. The words spilled from my mouth without my consent. My voice quaked, but I told her all about what happened that night. I sobbed and got choked up during, but I had to keep going. I had to let her know what happened. I had to tell her that I was the reason that William Robinson isn't here anymore.

Hallow said nary a word. She gritted her teeth and clenched her fists. When I dared to look up at her, I saw a few tears slip from her eyes, which she hastily rubbed away. We were quiet for a long time. Hallow waited until my shoulders stopped heaving and I stopped bawling so loudly. My hands clutched at my long hair. When the time came, she spoke. And her words pierced me like a blade.

"I told you so."

I gasped and looked up at her, mouth agape. She dried her eyes, but didn't face me, as if she couldn't look me in the eyes. "I hate to see you hurt, Lovey. And I definitely didn't want Will to off himself. But I warned you a long time ago. You didn't want to listen. While his death wasn't your fault, you did allow yourself to get attached to him, a human. Next time, keep your believers just what they are. Believers. Your friends are the ones here."

Her words hurt so much not because they were cold and unsympathetic, but because they were the truth. Hallow never had a way of telling me what I wanted to hear. That was one thing I liked about her. But at a time like this…it made me hate her. I looked away and stared at my hands. Dried blood was still in the creases of my palms. His blood. I burst into a fit of woe once more. Hallow fell to her knees by my side, and while she didn't cry, she did pull me into her arms. I clutched her gauze and wept into her chest. She said nothing, only stroked my hair. Will may be gone, but the rest of my friends were still here.

…The Guardians were more sympathetic than Hallow. They all took the time out of their busy schedules to let me talk to them and tell them what happened – even Tooth. Bunny showed no signs of hurt, but instead was the most concerned. He knew what it was like to lose those you love. He knew that pain when he lost his entire clan of Pooka to Pitch. I wondered at that time if he'd ever had a girlfriend or even a Pooka wife that was torn from him. If that was true, then we were on the same boat. But I still had to wonder: How long would it take me to heal from this?

Well, it certainly wasn't a year. By the time it was the next year, I had gotten back into the groove of going on about my duties. Though I did it lethargically, I got the work done. I had to work twice as hard to catch up with the amount I missed during my inert state. It was worth it, though. Work kept my mind busy, kept me thinking about things other than Will.

But I did think of him every day. The love I brought reminded me of him all the time. It reminded me of what could have been and what should not have been. It reminded me that no matter if I was there or not, life and love would go on. And sometimes I hindered more than helped.

So, my duty equally assisted and worsened my situation. One thing that hadn't changed was my mood. I had never been so serious in my life. I didn't laugh, didn't crack a smile at anything. Every day, I would halt everything that I was doing just because I saw that bullet go through his head again and again and again. Hallow tried to stay by my side and cheer me up, but after a while, she saw that the only thing that could help me was time. She left me by myself and I was grateful for that.

For the longest time, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to unless they were William himself. Manny seemed to be the only one who could respect this completely. Every now and again, the Guardians would pop by and see how I was doing. I acted like I was so busy that I didn't have time for them, but they all understood. They all knew. But my friends were persistent and worried.

I was beginning to think that I would never be over him. That his passing would haunt me for the rest of my existence, though that was unlikely. Manny must have sensed my terror, though, because it was he who gifted me with something no one else could.

One night, I exited a man's home, and suddenly the directions in my head ceased. I looked to the moon, knowing he had something to do with it. I was confused. Why would he want me to stop the only thing that remotely took my mind off the traumatic events I'd experienced? In reply, a moonbeam drifted down from the moon's glow. I had only heard stories about Manny sending down moonbeams. It was nothing but a translucent ball of mist. It hovered in the air in front of me a moment. We seemed to have a staring contest for a few minutes.

Only when I allowed my bow to disappear from my hand did the moonbeam move. It dashed off into the sky, heading east. I was curious and suspicious. I looked to Manny for an answer. Though he didn't say a word, I knew he wanted me to follow the wisp. So, launching myself into the sky, I followed the moonbeam as it swerved through various countries, leading me to I-didn't-know-what. It was when we arrived in Paris, France, that I found our destination. I came to a sudden halt in mid-air, eyes widened, wings flapping to keep airborne. When did that get there?

There perched on top of the Eiffel Tower was a cloud. Resting on the cloud was an odd building of some sort. Inquisitive, I ventured closer. The building was large and spherical. It was a creamy pink color. In color and texture it was similar to a child's marble. The roof was a purple cone spire. I dared to set foot on the cloud holding the house steady and found that it was solid. Soft, but solid, like a pillow. The moonbeam was waiting for me at the door-less entrance. The entrance was shaped like a heart, nine feet high. The border of the entrance was made of gold with intricate designs.

I looked from the moonbeam to the door. It bounced up and down as if nodding. Gulping, I went inside. And my mind was blown! The outside was large, but not this large! Inside the building looked almost the size of North's workshop. What kind of magic did Manny have to do to do this?!

For the first time in a year, I broke in a smile, having the wind knocked out of me. The inside was round, the walls pink. A beautiful crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling. Lounges and loveseats were placed in the rounded corners of the room for relaxation. In the very middle of the room, underneath the chandelier, was what looked like a well. I went over to it and peered inside. The water inside wasn't water at all; it was constantly rippling, foggy.

The moonbeam and I exchanged a glance. I had a sudden idea of what it might be. Using the tip of my finger, I touched the surface of the water with a location in mind. The water rippled more violently, and then an image appeared – the very same I was thinking of. The Eiffel Tower, live in action, appeared in the water. I laughed incredulously, tangling my fingers in my hair. "Wow! It's like my mirror!"

But only locations, the moonbeam said. Its voice was a whisper. I was glad it finally spoke up. I laughed once more and took a look around. What was this enchanted place? What else would I find? At the far end of the room, there was no wall, but definitely another room. From where I stood, it looked like…a garden? I moved around the well, towards the room, but the moonbeam flew in front of me as if to block my way. Its body shook from side to side, then it drifted toward a wide, arced door to my left.

"You want me to go that way first?" I asked, pointing. Its body nodded and it zoomed for the door. Though I was curious about the garden, I decided that the moonbeam must know what it's doing, so I followed it. Through the doorway, I found that I was in another circular room.

The only thing occupying this room was seven doors. White, smooth, with heart-shaped knobs made of ruby. Above each door in pretty cursive were the names of continents. Beneath the names were numbers I soon recognized as the year. I went over to the first door to my left, "Antarctica." I started to open the door, but then I found that it was locked. Furrowing my brow, I struggled with the knob, nearly tearing the door off its hinges. The moonbeam let out a laugh that sounded like a sigh. I looked to it, and it glided over to touch my hand.

Nothing happened, but when the moonbeam pulled away, I was able to open the door! I gasped in astonishment and hurried inside. The room was endless! The ceiling was high, high above us. The rounded walls were odd. I approached it and found that in rows of thousands were small, square drawers. I knelt to the lowest row and saw that it was blank. Frowning, I flew up to the very top. On each drawer was a name and a drawn face. Tilting my head curiously, I opened one and found that it was empty. In the drawer were holes where vials of Feelings no doubt went.

Understanding immediately, I shuffled through my sack and pulled out every vial that had this person's name. I placed each vial in its correct place with the most recent in front and the older ones in back. Grinning, I turned to the moonbeam once more. "Is this right?" I asked. "Is this what these drawers are for?"

The moonbeam nodded. I laughed, letting myself drift to the ground. On my feet touched the floor, I went through various drawers to find that they were all empty. And then it hit me. I grimaced and looked to the moonbeam. "I…have to fill each and every one of these, don't I?"

It nodded.

"Starting with when I first became Cupid?"

It nodded again and I screamed in frustration.

Saving the hard work to come for later, I followed the moonbeam out of the storage and to another location. "So, the year above the doors," I said, "does that mean I can go through each year in each continent?" The blue wisp only nodded once again.

We passed through the parlor once again and though I was anxious to see this garden, the moonbeam insisted there was one more place for me to see. Across the room from the storage was another doorway. This one led to a completely unexpected room: a bedroom. In the middle of the room, set against the wall, was a large bed – heart-shaped with black pillows and red silk blankets. From the high ceiling was another chandelier. To my right, a tall bookshelf filled with books already rested against the wall. To my left, there was a huge harp, just waiting for me to learn to play it. On the wall also was a single shelf for knickknacks. Then by my bed was a nightstand.

I wandered around the room, deeply touched. Manny did this all for me. He didn't have to, but he knew that it's what would get me smiling again. I sat on the bed, running my hand over the blankets. A home to call my own. My own domain. Just like the Guardians. Blinking at a sudden idea, I asked, "Wait, I'm Cupid. I don't have time to sit down for a long period of time and relax. Why give me this when I'll hardly use it?"

The moonbeam said nothing, but zoomed out of the room. It was time to see the garden! I ran after it, skidding around the corner out of my room all the way to that vast room. Inside was beautiful. The tile beneath my feet came to a stop when it met dirt. The room was filled with giant tulips of every color and shade. The petals were as big as my head. All seemed to be just about ready to bloom. This room had only three walls, allowing me to see outside perfectly.

At the moment, I was more interested in the tulips. Sure, they were beautiful, but what was their real purpose? Why were they so big? I went over to the closest one, a sky blue one. After careful examination that nothing was out of the ordinary about it except its size, I ran a delicate finger across the smooth petal. Red sparkles followed my finger's wake. I immediately pulled my finger back, startled. Slowly, the flower began to blossom. The petals opened in all directions and in the center…slept a baby.

I let out a gasp upon seeing him, not expecting a baby of all things to be there! Around his waist was a white cloth. His hair was gold and extremely curly. On his back were small white wings. And then he opened his eyes – eyes the color of sapphires. He blinked his long eyelashes and looked up at me. I was left breathless at how adorable and beautiful he was. The baby returned my smile and opened his mouth to speak, but the only sound that came was a jingling bell.

I let out a breathy laugh and knelt beside him as he sat up and stretched, as if he had been merely sleeping the whole time. He was only about two feet tall, slightly chubby as babies are. "Hello, there," I said gently. "Did you sleep well?"

The baby opened his mouth, and though both the moonbeam and I heard a bell, I also heard an answer: "Yes, mother." My eyes widened yet again in shock, and I turned to look at the moonbeam. It only tilted its body.

"Did you hear that?" I asked incredulously. "He spoke to me!"

The moonbeam shook its body as a "no," and I burst out laughing. I felt as though I was finally going insane. And perhaps I was. But it was real; it was all real. Manny went to great lengths, centuries of work, to make all of this happen. The cherub fluttered his wings, hovering above me. I stood and hugged him closely. His voice jingled again in a laugh. When I finally released him, he turned to look at the other flowers – and the cherubs that no doubt slept inside. "Won't you wake up my brothers?" he jingled.

He held on to my finger with his whole hand as I turned to the moonbeam. "Am I supposed to wake all of them?" I asked.

The moonbeam nodded, and I set about to work, waking all of the cherubs. They were all so happy to see me, all calling me mother. Once all the cherubs were awakened – around one hundred in total! – I sat down and watched them mingle with one another. Many came to sit by me, all eagerly asking questions, some just curling up to hold me. It must have been odd for the moonbeam because all it could hear was little bells. My heart warmed in my chest. I wondered if this was what it was like to be a mother.

I noticed, looking around, that the color of each cherub's eyes depended on the color of the flower they were born from, but all resembled gems: sapphires, rubies, amethysts, emeralds, you name it. The cherubs were beautiful and precious. And they were mine. Finally, I had something that I could own. I had a home and I had children to care for.

Eventually, the moonbeam had to go back home, too. I walked it to the exit on the other side of the room. The cherubs followed us, seeing their first friend off. The little orb waved and flew off into the sky, back to the moon where it belonged. Once it was out of sight, I focused on Manny.

"How can I ever thank you, Manny?" I asked.

He didn't reply. Only smiled down as he always had to the world.