The rotten taste in his mouth (a mix between morning breath and what felt like vomit in his throat) taunted him, and reminded him that he wasn't just falling into sleep but falling out of it.
In vain, Tino shut his eyes in an attempt to pretend that he had never woken. With a small whimper he tried to roll over and get more comfortable, but winced and stopped when pain shot up his spine again. Fuck. Right. He should know why he was hurting. His still foggy mind struggled to bring back the memory. They went to a party last night. He wasn't stupid, he remembered that much. He even remembered some of the party, actually- the vodka, the closet, the entire room knowing what went on- but he struggled to recall much of what happened after.
Obviously they had gotten back to the room somewhere along the line. Then… And then… Reluctantly he made a move to sit up and almost shrieked. Fuck! He didn't even remember their first time being that painful. What the hell happened last night? Did Berwald fuck him with a beer bottle or something? He couldn't seem to remember anything. His mouth still tasted painfully sour, and he couldn't stand it. He spent some time debating whether to stay in bed or get up and brush his teeth, and in the end staying in bed was the more do-able option. He swished the taste in his mouth a little before he swallowed, the burn more bitter than the shit-grade vodka he had first learned to swallow back home.
The alcohol he had consumed the night before that left his head still spinning in this so muffled morning almost definitely had something to do with the hurt that he was feeling right then. Memories of the last time this happened- the schoolyard, a drunken proposal, the pain killers that he swallowed dry while he smiled and thanked his boyfriend-to-be- all came flowing back to him, and there was something almost bitterly familiar about the whole thing. Would they repeat this dance over and over for every step further in this relationship that they took? He hoped not. Then he would be just like that fucking monster, and there was no way in hell he could even consider asking Berwald to stay with him if it turned out like that.
He was pretty sure that they had sex last night. He remembered a closet, the light streaming in from the open crack in the door, but everything else seemed so blurry. How far had they gone? Did they wait until they got back to the room to go further? For the life of him he couldn't remember. Right then all that he knew for sure was that he was sore, and that he had a killer hangover.
Desperately, he tried again to retrace his actions. He remembered being asked to the party, and he remembered talking with Berwald before agreeing. He remembered getting dressed, walking to the room with Berwald, and then he remembered drinking. He even vaguely remembered the first few conversations he had. But right as he took Berwald's wrist in his hand and dragged him to that closet, his memory gradually faded. The last thing he remembered was the start of a blow-job. He didn't even remember the end of it.
With a resigned sigh, he rolled over to look at Berwald's sleeping face. He looked almost peaceful even with his so naturally stern features, and Tino found himself reaching out to stroke the Swede's cheek gently. He was such a good lover. Such a good, kind lover. He shouldn't be with such a sick, sick person. He sighed, reaching his other hand to run over the choker. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. At least, he hoped it wouldn't.
When Berwald woke, he found Tino already awake and staring down at him almost gently. It made his gut wrench, and wished that he had woken first so he would have had some time to formulate an excuse for why he did something so god-damn stupid. He struggled for words, but it was all in vain. Those violet eyes bore into him, making it harder to even think.
Slowly, carefully, Tino leaned down and connected their lips in a chaste kiss before pulling back again and taking a soft breath in.
"I'm sorry." He said, his eyes on his hands as he spoke. "At the party, what I did last night… I was a complete whore."
Berwald's heart made a sharp pang in his chest, and he felt his throat constrict almost painfully. Tino was apologizing. Tino was apologizing? What did he have to apologize for? He never did anything wrong. No, it was him, the lecherous, opportunist boyfriend that owed the beautiful boy an apology.
This was so backwards.
"Yer not a whore- yer perfect." He said firmly. "An' ya' don' have anythin' to be sorry for." Not compared to me.
"I do so. Ber…" The Finn sighed softly. "Look, I don't remember everything that happened. I was drunk out of my mind, and you at least have to let me apologize for that. But besides that, I think I know what I made you do... you know, in that closet…"
"Ya' didn' make me do anythin'-" Berwald argued, but was cut off by Tino.
"Don't say you did it on free will. It won't make me feel better; it'll make me feel worse."
"Then whaddya' wan' me to say?"
"That I'm right- that I'm a whore. That I'm sick-"
"Every single one'a those's a lie. Ya' were drunk- people do weird stuff when drunk."
I do weird stuff even when I'm not drunk. "But I let it happen, and I made you uncomfortable."
"You didn't. They did."
"But I was the one who let you be around them."
"But ah went anyway. Tino, Ahm not upset with ya' fer anythin'. If anyone did anythin' wrong, it's me." The Swede insisted.
"You? What did you do wrong?" Tino asked. "You didn't do anything."
"Ah took advantage of ya'."
"Once again, I was the one who initiated everything. You did nothing but let me- I should be thanking you for that, actually."
"Not tha'."
"Then what?" Tino asked, as if daring Berwald to come up with another way to word it.
"Ah bought ya' back to the room an' I took ya." The Swedish teen said a little louder. "Ya' were drunk outta yer mind an' I made ya' take it."
Tino was silent now, staring at his lover, contemplating. Berwald, confused, tried again.
"Ah took ya'. When we came back to the room. I took ya'." He said. Maybe, if he could have forced the words out of his throat (which he couldn't), he would have said fucked. But fucked was such an ugly, loveless word. Still though, he couldn't have said lovemaking- lovemaking was consensual. But taken- that was the truth, really. Selfishly, he had taken.
Still though, his words were met with a vacant stare from the Finn.
"Fer fucks's sa- ah took ya'. I was inside a ya'. I came." He elaborated, still unable to swallow his shame.
The Finn stared at him, still unable to respond. He knew Berwald was talking about sex- sex that he again probably initiated (he wouldn't put it past his drunken self to do so), but he didn't remember that part. He didn't remember any of it. He didn't even remember if he had- oh, fuck. What if he let 'it' slip?
After a few painful minutes of silence, Tino looked to the side and swallowed, pulling at a lock of his hair. "I don't remember that." He offered, timidly.
Berwald's heart almost shattered. Tino didn't remember. Tino didn't remember touching him, or being touched- fuck. He wished that the Finnish teen remembered, even if it meant remembering how horribly wrong it has been. At least then he would remember that they were together and that Tino was supposed to be his lover- Was he that forgettable?
Tino's throat almost closed on his own. What the hell did they do? He needed to know. He needed to know if Berwald knew that Tino was a sick little boy that liked sick little things and-Fuck not yet not yet not yet. He couldn't know yet.
"Ber," he asked softly, barely inhaling. "What did we do?"
The Swede felt his flood banks breaking, and his vision blurred as he spoke, softly and quietly. "Ah took ya' back to the room after ya' sucked me. I undressed ya… An' ya' were beautiful-" He felt his voice cracking. "An' then- then ah kissed ya an' ah…" He bit his lip hard in a vain attempt to will the tears that started to roll down his cheeks to stop their descent.
"Berwald." Tino soothed gently, wrapping his arms around the man's shoulders and pulling his head against his chest. He planted a kiss in his hair and swayed a little, not sure if he felt sick out of nervousness or guilt. He knew this day would come. He didn't want to hurt Berwald- he never wanted to. It was just like him to fuck everything up.
Taking a shuddering breath in, the Swedish boy continued. "An' then ah touched ya, an' then I was a selfish bastard an' ah took ya' because I love you!" He babbled, semi-incoherently.
"I love you too Berwald." The Finn crooned, feeling his own guilty-relieved tears slip. Relief he still had his dirty little secrets safe. Guilt for having to hurt the other so badly to confirm it. "I promise I mean that... oh, baby… it's okay…"
And then Berwald clung to him and cried, cried because he came so fucking close to losing the boy he loved more than anything in the world and he didn't know how else to react; and then Tino held on and cried, cried because he shouldn't be feeling relieved and because he hated himself for hurting the only boy that cared about him and because he finally couldn't lie to himself that he had gotten in deeper than he should have.
Their lovemaking became almost frantic in the weeks after. At any time of the day desperate kisses started against tables, chairs, lockers, and led them stumbling back onto their dorm room wall, floor, bed where they groped, stroked, connected and did whatever else that they needed to get some relief. When they lay next to each other after the afterglow, the second that Tino managed to form words he always thanked Berwald for , let him know that yes, he remembered that one, and he wasn't going to forget again. Even though they touched almost more than they had before, they spoke so drastically less. I-love-you's were used for comfort, and thank-you's became a routine, but no other words were spoken beside the occasional utterance of a lover's name. But really, that wasn't speaking. Not at all.
Hypothetically, they could speak. They had so much time during those nights, those nights that they didn't sleep because last time they had slept they had woke to some strange, strange world and both were too afraid to do it again- but they just didn't speak. They were silent, touches still their only means of communication. The silence didn't last, though- and quite frankly, Tino wasn't bothered by that. There were couples that did not speak because they did not have to, and couples that didn't speak because they could not- Tino certainly didn't want to find Berwald and himself ending up the latter.
"Ber?" He cooed one day during a walk- it was a Sunday, and they had made their way into the town park so that they could take a walk without being interrupted by any school-nonsense. Berwald stopped and tightened his arm around Tino's waist a little more, meeting his eyes.
"Mm?" He prompted.
"Tell me something about you. Anything." He couldn't stand the silence anymore- hell, Berwald could talk about paint drying for all he cared. He just needed to talk about something.
"...Ma's a carpenter." The Swede said, after a moment of thought. He wasn't sure of what made Tino want this so suddenly, but he wasn't complaining. It was a step forward in his book, even if they had never talked much before. It actually wasn't that he hated talking, he had realized upon being with Tino. He just hadn't had much a reason to talk before then, minus some political debates here and there and the school debate team his freshman year.
"Oh? Is that where you picked it up from?" The Finn asked, trying to move things along.
"Ja. Used to mess 'round with the scraps a' wood in the shed. Made toys 'n stuff."
"Aww, that's cute! Do you still have them?" Tino asked, eyes sparkling a little in amusement.
Berwald shrugged a little, but nodded ever so slightly. "Somewhere 'm sure. Jus' dunno where. I'll look fer 'm next time 'm home if ya want."
"If it's too much trouble, don't- but if you can it would be nice."
"Not any trouble."
"Alright. Thanks." The Finn said, smiling softly. Berwald just nodded.
"…When I was little, I used to try and cook. I was really bad at it, actually, but it was kind of fun." Tino offered, trying to keep the silence broken. They had spent far too long silent already.
"Used to cook a lot. Ma worked late, 'n she'd be too exhausted to do it."
"Oh…" Tino trailed off, slightly unsure of how to respond. Poor dear- He didn't want to come off cold but he didn't want to hurt the man either.
"Dun feel bad- it doesn't mean anythin'." Berwald soothed.
Tino nodded, but didn't speak. He seemed at loss for words- a rarity with that one.
"What else'd ya' like to do when ya' were little?" Berwald asked, somewhat awkwardly. He was almost as bad at keeping a conversation going as he was at starting one, he thought bitterly.
Luckily, it managed to get Tino to stop looking so sad. His lips curled into an almost mischievous grin and he laughed a little, brushing some hair behind his ear. "Well, basically half my child hood can be summed up in one word… Muumi."
That left Berwald with the strange urge to scoop his lover into an almost smothering embrace. Tino… Tino and Moomins…
It was too fucking cute.
"Eh, Be? What's with the face?" Tino asked, tilting his head slightly. Berwald looked strange right then, his cheeks pink while he bit his lip, and it took him a while to realize that his usually so-stoic boyfriend was blushing.
"Aww, Ber!" The Finn giggled, grinning. "You're blushing!"
"Mmnn…" Berwald maybe acknowledged, looking sideways sheepishly and trying not to meet the violet eyes. Pouting when his gaze wasn't returned, Tino jumped up and threw his arms round the other teen's shoulders, causing both of them to topple backwards onto the ground as he lost momentum. Eyes widening as he fell, the Swedish teen realized upon hitting the ground that it would have been far easier to just return the Finn's gaze.
"Heh- you're cute when you're surprised Ber." Tino smiled, laying on his side next to his lover. It was true. It made Tino's gut wrench to think that one day he might actually hurt him-
Cupping Tino's cheek, Berwald pulled his face closer and connected their lips in a semi-sweet kiss as a reply, successfully cutting off Tino's train of thought.
"Mm-hn…" Tino moaned softly into the kiss. He parted his lips slightly, letting Berwald take charge. It was nice, this moment- for some reason he felt like he had been missing it for a long, long time. He shifted his body closer to the other without breaking the kiss, wanting to feel more of his warmth. There was something about Berwald- something so quintessentially soothing- that just made him melt. And that was fucking terrifying, because that meant he may actually not be as in control as he thought, and that meant there was something for him to lose- something that might actually be able to hurt him in the end. He dug his nails into the man's shoulders and clung as though it would keep him there forever and pressed closer.
Strong arms wrapped around Tino's waist in response, and one hand rested against the small of the boy's back while the other was on his ass. It always amazed Berwald how soft Tino was in his hands, and he loved it. He rubbed at the skin under the clothes and squeezed a little, earning more soft moans from the Finnish teen. Finally they parted for air and the Swede latched onto his lover's neck, kissing and licking and sucking.
"Hnn- aah, Ber…" Tino gasped, tilting his head back and allowing more access to his neck. Berwald just hummed slightly in response and continued his actions, content. Eventually, he did look up at his pretty little lover- he was gorgeous. Head thrown back, eyes closed, lips parted and cheeks pink, he looked like some angel with the way his hair fell around his head like a halo. The Swedish man planted another kiss against the pale neck, looking around a little further and drinking in the moment. Really, it was a gorgeous day. The sun shone bright even as it fell in the sky and the grass and the wildflowers blew in the breeze, only kept still underneath the two of them laying in the grass and by the footfalls of the other people in the park. There were a few joggers and a young couple- the woman wore a glittering diamond ring.
Ah, marriage. It was something Berwald thought about often. He licked Tino's neck, making the boy shiver, while he milled the thought over in his mind. He had always wanted to marry, be a good husband- maybe have a family, depending on what his wife wanted. Depending on what Tino wanted. He started to suck at the Finn's neck, earning a soft whimper of pleasure. Yes, depending on what Tino wanted- he didn't care if it seemed melodramatic or impulsive, he could never see himself with anyone but his Finnish lover- his wife, he supposed, since he did indeed plan on making this work. Slowly, he moved off of Tino's neck and moved to his lips again, capturing them in a passionate, claim-staking kiss.
"Ah love you, Tino Väinämöinen." He murmured once they parted.
"I love you too, Berwald Oxenstierna." Tino replied, a dazed smile on his face. It made Berwald lean in and kiss him again, ignoring the sun rapidly setting and everything that had plagued them for the past painful some weeks. He had Tino- his wife, he decided then- with him, and that was all that mattered in the end. The mixture of their tastes reminded him that he wasn't awakening to some new realization, but finally being at peace enough to maybe sleep later that night.
Author's note: Hello everyone, I am alive. Yes indeed I am. And I think I'm ready to try this again.
Basically, it's late and I'm lazy, so I'm posting close to the same spiel I posted in chapter eleven because I'm pretty sure not a lot of you saw it because I'm pretty sure it didn't drop to anyone's inbox, so I won't sound like too much of a broken record (hopefully):
I just wanted to say thank you. To all of you. Really, you guys are great, and I missed you all. I really appreciate the support you guys gave me when I took my little break, and to those of you who my story struck a cord in I'm glad that I could strike that cord. I love knowing I can connect with my readers.
Now that you all know I love you (yes you) I'd like to talk a bit about the story. As much as I hate the idea of revising things I have already put up, I have revised the end of this chapter and I am in the process of revising the next chapter. This is the only time I will do this. I did it because I felt they were inadequate, and some people kind of insuated that I was right. So, I did something about it. Now that I have done this, though, I need to ask a favor:
As you all know, I love reviews. Knowing you guys enjoyed my stuff is like gold, and whenever someone leaves concrit I'm happy that they cared enough to help me improve a little. But listen, I really don't like it when people wangst over a plot twist, or a character's action. I write it that way because I have a story I'd like to tell, and that's just the way that it needs to be told for me to feel like I've done it justice. I missed enjoying story-telling for the fun of it and not worrying about letting people down. I can only please so many people, and while I'd love to please you all the crushing reality that I've realized is I just can't. So, from here on, I'm not changing anything else. If you don't like it then I'm really sorry, and I hope you find something else that you can really really get into. If you do stay and enjoy it a little, thank you- it means more than you'd know~.
(Hope that didn't come off too harsh, I just needed to say it to move on. ^ ^;)
So, that being said, I think I'm ready to try again. This is the revised version (this chapter and it's predecessor, if you're interested in reading the changes) and the new one should be up faster because I'm trying to type a little every day. Also, a special thanks to MeinBritishBroski, Angel Yori, Magoo-Tora and LostHazelEyes for being lovely and there even when I was being a loser and not typing much, and thank you to SwedishHoeBag foe the mention in her fic.
I don't know how many of you can leave reviews because I know that someone told me you can't comment on a chapter you've already commented on, but I have no idea what happens if I resubmit either. But if it's possible any reviews, PMs, etc are always loved and welcome!