They healed.
Yes, they healed. They healed to the point that now they could actually talk again, even if they chose not to, like right now. Right now there were more important manners to attend to, like satisfying that maddening heat that could only start in the core and spread until it ate you alive. Fingertips traced warm lines over bare skin, and lips warmed him to his very core. Tino wasn't sure how it started- he was never sure how it started- all he knew was that he could feel himself starting to slip away from reality and into some dream-like state. He loved how Berwald did this to him. He felt teeth at the nape of his neck and couldn't help letting a soft, low moan slip loose. This. One day, this might actually be able to replace-
It was almost impossible to describe Tino's horror when his phone went off, with the ringtone that he never wanted to hear.
Fuck. Father. His mind raced a mile a minute as he thought of what he could do. He didn't want to get up. He wanted to silence the phone like he usually would and keep kissing Berwald, and let Berwald keep kissing him, and carry on what they were doing and pretend that no one else in the world existed. Still though, he'd have hell to pay for it. Reluctantly he sat up and kissed Berwald hard, as if trying to draw strength from him, before pulling back and grabbing his phone with a promise that he would be right back. He about ran into the hallway and picked up the call right before it would have been missed.
Berwald stayed on the bed, perplexed. Tino only did this sometimes. There were times that he would slam the phone silent with a vengeance; others where he would chuck it across the room, and still some where they would just ignore the thing. Still though, there were these odd times where he would grab the phone and run out, not leaving Berwald so much as a clue of where he was going, or who he was talking to. Sometimes he wondered.
Okay, he always wondered. It worried him, really. Tino always came back looking so sad, and the Swede hated to see him like that and have no way of soothing him. Sometimes he wondered if it was Eduard- what puzzled him about that hypothesis was that usually when Eduard called Tino didn't leave the room to pick up, and if he called during fore-play or coitus he'd be ignored. With a sigh Berwald gave up thinking too hard with the fear that he'd lose his hard-on, and instead settled on waiting.
Meanwhile, the other stood outside the door, back pressed against the wall as though one million guns were poised to fire at him if he so dared move one millimeter.
"Hi dad." Tino breathed shakily into the receiver, cupping his hand around his mouth so that no sound he made could leak into and taint the air.
"Where the fuck were you?" He was greeted with. "I swore you weren't going to pick up you son-of-a bitch."
"I'm sorry, I was," think fast. "In class. Getting some extra help." Good save.
The man paused for a moment and lowered his voice. "Are there people around?" He asked. If there was one thing Tino knew, it was that the bastard was a coward when he was around people. He couldn't hit those people, he couldn't command those people, he couldn't order them around and fucking abuse them like he did to him and his mother because those people were more successful than he ever was, and there was no way that those people wouldn't have his ass behind bars if they ever knew how badly he and mother suffered-
"I'm in the hallway." He mumbled. That was the truth, at least.
"And are there people?" The man asked again, quick and anxious.
"Dad, I'm right outside the room." He answered again, trying to hide his annoyance. A fucking coward. He was no better than a fucking violent coward. He hated that those were his genes.
There was another pause. "Well, look- you're coming back for fall break." The man said, quickly, quieter than usual.
Tino's eyes widened. No. Fuck no. He didn't want to go back. That meant leaving Berwald and safety and- "Dad, don't worry about it. I mean, winter break is coming up soon and we don't need to spend any more money on airfare, it's only a week anyway and winter break is next month." He babbled nervously.
"Are you trying to make us look like bad parents? Trying to draw attention to your sorry ass so that the big guys'll worry about you?" The man snapped, more venomous now. "You're coming home for break. I don't want anyone talking. Keep your eyes open for the ticket in the mail, and I swear to god if you try anything it will be worse for her and you."
Fuck. FUCK! How could he let someone else suffer, too? Why couldn't it just be him? He'd willingly take a worse beating later if it meant some relief for the now. Fuck. The bastard knew how to play him. "Fine." He whispered, breath shaking. "Fine."
He laughed. The jack-ass had the nerve to fucking laugh. "Are all of you fags like that, all sentimental? You're just like her, so afraid to let someone else get hurt. Ha, and you call yourself a man. Why don't you go ahead and stay to prove it, she's just some whore-"
"Don't call mom a whore!" Tino half-yelled, pained. He wasn't even sure why he fought anymore. She didn't know what to do with him even if he meant well, and the man hated him.
Why was he even alive?
"I'll call the cunt whatever I damn well please!" he laughed. "Ah, you're a funny kid. Oh, oh, hang on your mother wants to talk to you." The man added, seeming to pass the phone.
"Will you- will you just give me two minutes with him?" Tino could hear his mom begging. "Please- please. What? Okay. Yes. I have five? Thank you."Five. Oh how generous he was- this was the definition of Stockholm syndrome, and they all knew it.
He was sure his father had at least left the room because all he heard was the customary static silence that he and his mom started their conversations with. It was like they pretended that he had nothing to do with them.
"Hi mom." Tino said softly, breath still shaking.
"Hi honey." She greeted softly, voice gentle and light as usual. She had a pretty voice; many other men surely would have liked it- how did she get stuck with that one? "How are you?"
"I'm fine." Tino lied. "How have you been?"
"Fine." She lied, too. "How has school been?"
"Good," he said. "I made a friend." He whispered. His mother liked to hear good things, and that he was doing well. They just had to hide them from his father.
"That's wonderful," She praised, "You were always good at Science."
They were used to these broken conversations that made no sense. It was for their own good, really. Now, however, she let out a sigh and seemed to be gathering herself to start the real conversation. He was assuming that dad went outside to get more booze.
"I've been trying to drink less-" She said. "It's hard, because it's easier to drink because then I don't remember anything he did, but I know you're concerned so I'm trying."
"Thanks mom." Tino choked, throat tight. He asked her to stop because she too got resentful when she drank. She said ugly things- things she couldn't help saying because it hurt, and didn't we all deserve some forgiveness when it fucking hurt?
"If it's too hard-" He started, before she cut him off.
"It's not, really. There's less hangovers involved." She laughed slightly. It was, though. It was. But goddammit her son was the last person left in the world that she cared for and she'd be dammed if she let him down, too. Even if she couldn't help him when a certain someone got violent.
Tino nodded even though she couldn't see him. "I love you mamma." He mumbled, trying not to lose his composure.
"I love you too, Tino- I don't regret you, you know." She said softly.
"Even though I'm gay?" He asked, timidly.
"That isn't a reason for me to not love my son. Sometimes I don't know exactly how to feel about it, but I can't change it and I don't hate you for it." She said. While it hurt a little sometimes, he knew she meant well. What worried him was how gentle about it she was being now, she didn't even mention it being a phase- the man must have something pretty cruel in store. "Besides, if you weren't gay he'd probably ask you to rape me." She laughed. He did too, just a little- they had to develop a morbid sense of humor if they expected to have any chance at laughter at all.
"But honestly," she started again "the only thing I really regret is not leaving him before I had you. Then we could have just said we didn't know who the father was and we would have been away from all of- I'm sorry, Tino." She said, her own voice starting to sound choked up.
"It's okay mom." He whimpered, shaking a little. She was only seventeen when she had him- how was he supposed to blame her for being vulnerable?
"Well, I'm glad you're doing well in Science." She said, and he assumed the man was back again. "I'll see you soon, honey."
"Bye mom." He mumbled. "See you soon."
The phone line clicked dead, and Tino found his stomach sick and his heart aching. Dammit. Dammit. Why did he always let his guard down right before shit hit the fan? It just wasn't fair. He wanted to cry. He wanted relief. He wanted to…
Actually, he wanted Berwald.
Really, what he wanted to do was run back into that bedroom and make Berwald fuck him until he couldn't remember anything. He wasn't entirely sure where the urge came from (his erection having long gone away since he picked up the phone) but he knew that he wanted the Swede. He wanted to be touched and kissed and held and he wanted to feel it. Usually he never wanted to feel at times like these. It was confusing. It was frightening. It was strangely tempting.
And so that was how he found himself shutting off his phone and walking dazedly back into the room, crawling into bed and kissing the other until he couldn't breathe, and then it was just like the first night he limped into his room lonely and broken all over again.
There were one million questions on the tip of his tongue, yet he had not a clue what to ask.
The Finnish teen had long fallen asleep next to him after a particularly- what was the word- frantic session of lovemaking? Was it frantic? Berwald couldn't tell. His brain was still humming along in the afterglow. Funny how the more he had of Tino the easier it was for the beautiful boy to make him lose his mind.
He had wanted to ask what was wrong. He wanted to know why his eyes were red rimmed and why his voice was hoarse when he cooed I love you, Berwald, so much- but somehow he didn't know how. Nothing seemed quite right to say. Sometimes he wondered if Tino would ever bring it up, and maybe then he would be able to find his words. The Finn never did, though, and he was left in silence about the strange occurrences. Even so, it didn't mean he loved him less. He was pretty sure there wasn't anything the other could do to make him.
His own phone buzzed this time and he quickly snatched it up before it could wake his lover.
"'Lo?" He said into the receiver. An ever familiar voice responded.
"Lo Berwald. How're ya'?" The woman's voice asked, as rough and calloused as her hands but gentle as she truly was.
"Ahm fine ma. With the boyfriend." He said, sitting up a little.
"Ya' really gotta tell me more 'bout him over break. Ah'd love to know 'bout who muh son's set his heart on." She teased.
"But ah have." He laughed, though he was dead serious. "Ah have ma. He's perfect."
He could hear her voice soften, and he could almost see her smile through the phone. "Ahm happy fer ya'." She said. "Ah'm. That boy better never break yer heart." She warned. She knew about heart break, being left alone with a baby in a broken home, and she'd be dammed if she ever let that hurt happen to her son.
"He won't. He's not like tha'." Berwald assured. That was what he wanted to believe, anyway.
"Good. Did ya' get the plane ticket?"
Berwald mm-ed, but then responded "Ja. Came Tuesday."
"Good. I'll see ya' soon then."
"See ya' soon."
And at that they both hung up and Berwald pulled the Finn into his arms, cradling him against his chest as he fell asleep. He wouldn't break him. No, he wouldn't. They were in love.
As in love as they were and as perfect as Tino was Berwald was forced to admit that sometimes the Finn could be a little uncoordinated. It wasn't hard to see. He almost walked into the janitor's closet instead of the stairwell, and he almost forgot to put food on his plate. When they sat down Berwald finally had to say something, and at this point he didn't much care what it was. He had to start somewhere.
"Ya' feelin' okay?" Berwald asked, gently.
Tino forked at his eggs, not yet bringing them to his mouth. "I'm fine. Just a little tired…" He trailed off. Berwald frowned.
"Fer real." He demanded, still gently. "Ya' seem upset."
The Finn sighed. Berwald's intuition wasn't half bad. "I am." He finally admitted to his eggs, unable to make eye contact. "I am."
That was one step forward and two steps back. Was he the one who hurt him? The notion made his gut wrench. "Did ah do somethin'?" He asked quietly. Tino almost snapped up and caught Berwald's eyes, reaching out and cupping the man's cheek in his hand.
"Berwald, don't ever dare think that anything is your fault, you're never the problem. I love you. Haven't I made that clear?" he asked, slightly sadly.
"Ah love ya' too, and ya' have." Berwald assured, internally kicking himself. "Ahm sorry. I just wanted to know wha' happened."
Tino sighed and kept his hand on Berwald's cheek, but closed his eyes for a moment before re-opening them and speaking almost tentatively. "It's just… you know, fall break's coming up and… well, I'll miss you. A lot." He said, softly. The scary thing about it was that it was actually the truth. Well, half of it. But still- it was the more painful part, losing something so lovely to something so disgusting.
While it was a relief to hear what set him off, the realization made Berwald's heart pang too. Fuck. An entire week of sleeping alone and not being able to hold his sweet little wife in his arms sounded like hell in his book. "Ah'll miss ya too." He mumbled, leaning into the hand on his cheek. Tino stroked his face gently, tracing a thumb over the man's lip.
"I just- I can't imagine it, you know? I don't even remember what things were like before…" he said softly. It was a half-lie, but a good intentioned one. He couldn't imagine it because he knew what was bound to happen, but he could remember- he just didn't want to.
Berwald nodded in agreement and took Tino's hand in his own, pressing his lips against the middle of the palm gently. Tino was better with words than he was, and he tried to make up for it in actions whenever he could. Tino blushed and smiled a melancholy smile.
"You're so sweet, Ber." He cooed. Berwald gave another kiss in response.
"Thank ya'."
"It's true." The Finn responded. "You're the most wonderful person I know."
At that, an ever-faint pink dusted Berwald's cheeks, and Tino couldn't help but smile at what he was about to lose, even if only for a while- a week had never sounded like such a long time in his entire life.
Not even the week he had spent locked in the filthy, reeking-of-booze basement could compare.
Nine days before the morning of their departure together weren't nearly as painful as very last night before. They opted to skip that day of class (not like they were doing anything anyway), and instead spent the entire day in bed together. Their suitcases already sat at the door, one on top of the other, and they looked almost as resigned as the boys who they belonged to felt. Their fingers were tightly twined together and resting in Tino's lap, who occasionally tightened his grip until the point that his knuckles turned white and he couldn't possibly squeeze anymore. That didn't stop him from trying, though.
Eventually, the hand holding turned to kissing. And then the crying started. And then the Berwald-kissing-tears-off-of-Tino's-face followed. The disrobing came shortly after, and pretty soon they were connected in an ever-familiar union, the sound of flesh on flesh their metronome and cries of moremoremore the chorus.
They tried to make it last all fucking night.
They almost succeeded, but of course that pesky thing known as sleep eventually overtook them and they succumbed, still tangled together as they did. When they woke both of them, in vain, tried to pretend that they hadn't. The screaming of the alarm only got louder and louder, though, and eventually they both rose from their last stronghold to face the day- the next seven of them, to be more accurate.
The crying started again on the way to the airport. Berwald held Tino in his lap on the ride there, trying to soothe him to the best of his ability without doing anything too raunchy (fucking driver, watching them in the rearview mirror), and eventually he managed to get the sobs to slow to the point that only his silent tears remained. He felt guilty for feeling just a little bit happy that his beautiful lover was crying for him, and he mentally berated himself for it. By the time they got to the airport, though, he felt his own glasses fogging and maybe felt a little less guilty- but only a little.
When they finally made it through customs and the baggage check they stood together, Berwald's hands on Tino's hips and Tino's arms around Berwald's neck as they waited. Their eyes were locked together and neither wanted to move, but they had both resigned to the fact that soon they'd have no choice. Sighing softly Tino leaned up on tiptoes and captured Berwald's lips in a long kiss before speaking hoarsely, a feigned smile on his lips.
"At least we'll be back in time for my birthday. There's no one I'd rather spend it with than you…" He trailed off.
Berwald nodded and kissed his forehead before responding. "December sixth. Best day tha' ever happened to anyone."
Tino laughed a light, pained laugh, but kissed the other again. "You're so sweet."
"Ahm jus' tellin' the truth."
Tino smiled, just barely, and spoke again. "I'm really, really going to miss you."
"Ah'll miss ya too." Berwald replied, words barely hitting the air.
"You better text me."
"Ah will."
"And call."
"Ah wanna hear yer voice."
"Good. I want to hear yours."
There was another moment of silence, because neither could think of anything to say. The Swedish teen reluctantly moved his hands from the other's hips, making the Finn flinch a little, and removed his hoodie. He leaned over to kiss Tino's temple gently, draping the sweater over his shoulders. Tino leaned into the kiss and sighed contentedly.
"Thank you." He said, softly. After a moment of thinking he took off his scarf and draped it around Berwald's shoulders, moving to kiss his jawbone.
"Takk." Berwald mumbled, pulling Tino close and tight for one last hug. The Finn's head rested against Berwald's chest and he hugged back tightly, trying to deny the fact that his flight was being called. Reluctantly the Swede let go, kissing Tino firmly on the mouth one more time before letting him pick up his carry-on.
"I'll text you the second I'm off." Tino promised, vision blurring again. Berwald nodded.
"Ah'll do the same." The Swede promised. "I love you."
"I love you too." The Finn replied, throat tight.
And at that the flight was called again and he rushed away from the last bit of comfort that he had- not even the pressure on his neck seemed to be enough to soothe him at that moment, and every mile higher the plane went into the dreary, rainy sky was a mile further from the light of his life.
Author's note: This is timely, I think. I feel accomplished.
So I actually had time to do things I want, like this, and it was awesome. I started working on the next chapter but there's that pesky sleep things getting in the way, so I'll be picking it up again once I take care of that.
Anyway, about this chapter: to some people it's kind of a filler maybe, but I actually am fond of it. I think it sets up the next one nicely, and it is neccessary. So therefore it is here. I hope you can all enjoy it. Be gentle, now, please.
Reviews would greatly replenish my sleep deprived muse.