Waking up early in the morning was not something that Tino could do with grace.

The iPod alarm wailed at him and the Finn pretended not to hear it, instead remaining limp against Berwald's chest. Three days really wasn't enough time for him to get back in the swing of things, especially when, in those days, more time was spent awake than asleep. He wasn't complaining—Berwald made him see stars the whole way through—but really, he supposed that he could have maybe made a wiser choice and slept a little more in between.

The taller man gave a small grunt of effort as he shifted to reach the device and turn it off, then turned back to Tino's half sleeping form. He was precious, and what Berwald really wanted to do was just blow off the day's lessons and keep the sleepy Finn cradled against his chest in their bed for the entire day, but he knew that there wasn't a good enough excuse for him to miss the first day back. Reluctantly he sat up and Tino seemed to twitch a little, but still he said nothing as though he could convince Berwald that no, really, he couldn't be woke. It was really cute, actually, and the Swedish teen felt slightly guilty as he started to gingerly shake his lover's shoulder.

"Tino," he started, gently, "Ah can tell yer 'wake."

Tino groaned and curled closer to the man and pulled the covers over himself, eyes still closed. "Noooo…" He whined, voice muffled against his lover's chest.

Berwald furrowed his brow, confused. "Yer not 'wake?"

"No. I'm not. I'm sleeping." The Finnish teen mumbled.

"Then how're ya' respondin'?" The Swede countered, almost like an adult trying to reason with a child.

"I'm sleep talking." Tino insisted, stubbornly.

"Sleep talkin'?"

"Yes. Sleep talking. It's a lost art, you know."

At that Berwald couldn't help but chuckle, and Tino's lips curled into a grin before he slowly blinked his violet eyes open.

"Yer talkin' crazy." Berwald teased gently, before leaning to kiss the crown of his lover's hair. Tino just giggled.

"I know." The Finn replied, still with a hint of laughter in his voice. "But that's why you love me."

" 'Tis." The taller of the two affirmed, and then leaned in slowly, hesitantly, towards Tino's lips.

Tino was not nearly as inhibited and melded their lips together, humming softly as he did. Berwald wrapped his arms around his lover and held the connection, sweet and chaste yet somehow passionate all the same, and when they parted the Finnish teen's lips curled into another grin.

"You know, Ber, you really can't be so shy about giving your wife a quality good morning kiss." He said playfully, and Berwald blushed.

"Alright." He agreed, shyly. It made Tino laugh, and the Swede couldn't help but smile at the way his voice rang. In the few days they had been back together Tino had supported his… quirk? Kink? Fetish? He wasn't sure what the right term was, but Tino had been wonderful about indulging him. He ran his fingers through his lover's hair, earning a satisfied sigh from the teen.

"Ya' ready now?" He asked, gently.

"No." Tino replied, still leaning into his hand. "Kiss me, you fool!" He cried, melodramatically. Berwald didn't have to be told twice.

Eventually, the two stumbled out of bed after an incredibly impulsive and incredibly long make out session that may have went somewhere had the second alarm not gone off. By that point they were undeniably behind schedule, and after they pulled clothes on they about ran to get down to the cafeteria to get just something to eat so that they wouldn't starve until they could get lunch later that afternoon.

It was only once he noticed the strange stares from around the room that Tino realized that the reason his clothes felt so loose today was not so much that he had lost that much weight, but that he had grabbed some of Berwald's clothing instead. Currently he was garbed in a t-shirt and hoodie that almost swallowed him, and though he had managed to grab a fitting pair of jeans the socks crammed into his red converse were also a little larger than his own. His cheeks tinted pink at the realization and he looked down with a shy smile, and Berwald raised an eyebrow.

"Ya' okay?" He asked.

"Yeah." Tino replied, giving a sidelong glance to a group of students that had been staring for a few minutes at that point.

"Are ya' sure?" Berwald asked again. He wasn't the best at talking, but he could usually read people well enough to tell when they were telling the truth or when there was more to be heard.

This time, the Finn stopped and thought a bit.

Did any of it really matter? He didn't know them. They didn't know him- what was the worst they could do, call him a faggot? Oh, like he hadn't heard that one before. And really, what did it mean to him anyway? That he liked men? That he liked being fucked? It was all true. Was it really so much a source of shame that calling attention to it hurt him?

For the first time in years he realized how ridiculous he was being.

Slowly his lips curled upwards. "I'm feeling great." He finally replied again, genuinely, weightlessly, and looked up at Berwald with a smile on his face. "Couldn't be better."

There was something that had changed between the time that they had left for break and right then, Tino noticed. It was a bit hard to pinpoint exactly what, but it was there, just as much as he was breathing and just as much as anything was tangible. They still had their same routines of sleeping, waking, love-making, but it all felt so much… more. It was as though a veil had been lifted, and now everything was so much brighter and so much clearer than ever before.

Initially, he had just played along with the wife role out of love. But the further into it he went, the more he sunk into it and let himself get totally lost in it, the more he started to grow attached to it himself. He started to observe Berwald just a little bit more closely, and he learned a lot of things about his assumed husband. He watched the man when he worked, the way he didn't glare but squinted to see what he was doing because he was precise, and never satisfied with anything less. He was a perfectionist. He watched his lover when they spoke, noticed the way his eyes twinkled and he just smiled in his own silent way when most would have vocalized, and he learned how to tell what he was really saying. And oh, he had so much to say. He watched him when he slept, regal and peaceful and tangled up with him, and it made him realize how gentle he could be. He was almost fragile. He watched the man when they made love, his reactions, his movements and shudders, the way he let out small cries while he fucked himself into the Finn's tightness, and it made him realize just how raw he could be- how vulnerable he was.

And all of it made the Finn fall even more deeply in love.

They walked through the hallways the same way that they laid together, naturally, easily, contentedly. It all just felt so, so right, more right than anything else they had ever felt before. It could be anything—all Tino knew was that it was right, and he couldn't quite explain why but it was just this strange and wonderful feeling that he never wanted to go away. He stopped noticing when people stared at him for wearing Berwald's clothes. Their little whispers and contemplations didn't reach him anymore. Fuck them all. He and Berwald may as well have been wed already; they sure as hell weren't letting anything get between them. Still though, sometimes he just wished that he could have had as easy a time telling Berwald his secrets as Berwald had telling him.

It still hung over his head, just like it had been as it followed him for years. He still thought about it, still held his breath sometimes when they made love as though it could be a pseudo substitute until his lover reminded him to breathe, wife, just breathe and then he always had to because fuck he didn't want to scare him. He never meant to scare him. It was the same guilt he felt when the other caught him crying after those god damn phone calls and the same guilt that he felt for worrying him the first night that they had decided to cohabitate, and he hated it but still- But still. Tino loved him enough to go through it. He loved his perfectionism, the way that he talked with his eyes, the way that he slept and the way that he loved.

And because of that he dredged on, dragging dirty, dirty things behind him because they were too damn heavy to hold on his shoulders anymore.

Never once did he think that he would have to learn what the end of the world looked like from their own bed.

It was a normal night, all things considered. Tino found his way into Berwald's lap after the kissing stared. This time it was passionate and rough, and Tino could feel his teeth crashing into Berwald's each time their mouths connected. Maybe it was because the day had been long, or maybe it was because it had just been that long since they had last had a night like this, or maybe it was because somehow, they both knew deep down that something was going to give.

He whined slightly when the Swedish teen bit his lip. It was nights like these that he liked because it was nights like these that he could lose his mind and really, really let feeling take over. Sure, he cherished the softer, gentler nights as well, but those were those, and this was this.

When they parted he gasped for air, and he could feel saliva strings on his lips and on his chin. Their eyes met and wordlessly they de-robed, Berwald propping himself up against the pillows once he was bare and Tino laying belly-down on the bed so that his nose was at the tip of his lover's half-hard erection. Berwald gasped when he felt the Finn's soft breath against it, and Tino brushed against the heated skin with his lips ever-so-lightly.

"Want me?" He asked in a whisper, the words carrying his breath against the member again.

"Yes." Berwald breathed, shakily, hips bucking forward slightly to meet moistened lips.

Satisfied with the answer, Tino smiled and kissed the tip wetly, poking his tongue out to glide over the slit. It was a strong flavour, and he moaned when his mouth watered at it. He could feel the Swede gasp at the vibration, and he wasn't surprised when the man twisted his hands in his hair and pushed him further onto length. He relaxed his jaw to take it, and if he could have spoken he may have taunted his lover for being so eager. But he couldn't, so he didn't, and instead he just let the man fuck his face.

The Swede's girth was large, and the Finnish teen's jaw was always a little sore after opening that wide to take him, but he tried not to think about that as the throbbing organ started to slide down his throat. It was a tight fit with how deep it was going, but Berwald, needy for more of the maddening sensation, pushed down harder, deeper, and Tino gave a light half-whimper half-moan as he gagged on the erection. He could feel himself slowly being deprived of air and he moaned, staying absolutely still, hoping that maybe the other would go just far enough so that he could indulge himself in his own dirty little way.

Berwald let out a low, guttural moan and started to buck into the Finn's hot, wet mouth. His lover's eyes had fluttered almost closed over flushed and full cheeks, and he looked half-drugged with his mouth held open like that as he moaned so wantonly. That sight before him made his member twitch even more frantically than before. He thrust harder, and Tino simply made a few more light humming noises with the occasional gag, letting the man have his way. This was a perfect wife, Berwald was sure, so selfless, giving, beautiful, kind.

Tightening his throat around the member as he grinded his own erection against the sheets, Tino realized that he would make a terrible wife. Selfishness was never something to indulge in, and yet here he was just taking and taking and taking what he needed, feeling the air slipping from his lungs and feeling a mind blowing orgasm coming on from the sick little things that he liked to do to himself. His head started to feel tingly and light, and he slowly started to let himself succumb because yes, yes, oh god he was almost there just a little more-

He almost wanted to scream in frustration when the length was pulled from his mouth, pulled from his throat, and a gulp of fresh air violated his lungs again. He was panting heavily, looking up at Berwald in utter shock and why-did-you-do-that-to-me-I-was-so-close-

Poor baby, Berwald thought, as he stroked Tino's hair gently after having pulled out from his lips. He looked so disoriented, disheveled, and the saliva and pre-cum that hung from his lips only added to the look. He was precious, and as sick as it was Berwald wanted to take advantage of him while he was just like that.

"Ah wanna be inside a'yoo." He cooed, still stroking the pretty Finn's hair. Strong arms pulled his lover into his lap and held his waist, and Berwald took one of his hands and ran it over the Finnish teen's lips, gathering the saliva and precum that was dripping from them. He poked the digits inside the other's mouth just enough to get a thicker coating on them before moving his hand back to find his lover's hole, circling at the entrance.

"Ah wanna be inside a'yoo."

'You were inside of me-' Tino almost snapped, but he held back and crushed their lips together instead to try and re-create the dizziness that he was so quickly losing. Berwald's kisses were gentle, too god-damn gentle, and he tongued fiercely at the other wondering where his earlier fierceness had gone. Be rough with me. He internally pleaded. Be rough, be violent, choke me choke me choke me-

Berwald let Tino take over the kiss and he gently worked a finger inside of him, shivering at the tightness. God he wanted to be in there. He needed to prepare his wife first though; he didn't want to tear him. If he was going to be rougher once he was inside of his lover he needed adequate preparation. He continued to probe, slowly going deeper. A frustrated moan escaped the Finn and he broke the kiss, gasping as he spoke.

"More." He demanded, and Berwald kissed his neck gently before carefully working a second finger in next to the first one, pushing past the initial resistance. He scissored the two carefully, and Tino let out an almost animalistic cry as he squirmed onto them, trying for more, more, more- A third digit pushed its way in and Tino gasped, now riding the hand as it worked inside of him. Berwald continued to move his fingers, almost worried with the sight in front of him that he would come before he even got inside.

Tino made sure that it didn't happen, though.

"Ber," he panted, "Just take me already." He begged, voice laced with lust and impatience and eyes hazy. He didn't care if his body was ready to take it or not, he was ready. He had been ready long before.

Almost relieved Berwald pulled his fingers out in a single motion, causing a small popping noise to be heard, and he moved them so that now Tino lay under him on the bed, a leg over his shoulder, entrance in line with his aching cock.

"Ready, wife?" He asked, pressed flush against him.

"Yes dear." Tino played along and whined desperately, and that was all of the encouragement that Berwald needed to hold the Finn's hips in place and thrust inside of the tight heat, grunting as he forced it open so wide. Once past the first ring it encased him, and Tino threw his head back and cried out at the welcome intrusion as Berwald gasped.

"Oh god Berwald fuck me!" He wailed, still aching for release after his earlier orgasm had been denied. The Swede didn't have to be told twice, and he pulled out to the tip before slamming himself back in again, setting a fast and harsh pace for the two of them. They both needed it, and he could tell, and he moaned as he was pulled back into the tightness for every time that he pulled out. Chest heaving, Tino made long, drawn out noises that were something between a moan and a cry, and he gripped onto the sheets to try and distract himself from thinking worse thoughts. Just let him come, Tino, just let him come and you'll manage too there's no need to think about that, now- Oh, but yes there was. He needed it.

Berwald's hands moved from his hips and held Tino's face as he leaned in to kiss him, and all throughout the tongue war all he could feel was his thumbs, pressing ever so gently below his jaw, at his throat and it wasn't intentional but-

And then he snapped, all self-preservation thrown out the window and covered Berwald's hands with his own, dragging them down to close over his throat. Then, finally, there was that sweet relief of what he had been craving for months. He kissed back harshly, draining himself of air and letting himself start to numb and so close, so close, so close-

Berwald broke the kiss once he felt Tino take his hands, unsure of what was happening at first. He froze once he saw what was. Tino's hands and his own hands, on that fragile, pale, pretty throat, squeezing- he didn't want to do this! What in hell was happening? He pulled their hands free and stopped his thrusts and Tino gasped, taking in air, and the Swede could feel himself trembling as he stared down numbly at the only half-conscious body below him.

Again, oxygen invaded his lungs and he felt his head spinning as he slowly came back to reality. Fuck. Again… He struggled to focus his vision and when he did he saw Berwald, only he wasn't moving much and he had the strangest expression on his face…

Oh god. What had he just done? He was still numb and his body betrayed him, forbidding him from movement or even sound. All he could do was breathe heavy, long breaths.

It felt wrong to still be inside of him like that, Berwald thought, and quickly he pulled out and moved back, letting Tino catch his breath. Fuck. Fuck. What… He wasn't even sure what questions he should be asking. Tino… Tino tried to make him choke him? Tino choked himself? Tino… God. He felt his eyes water just looking at the other, laying used on the bed before him, covered in saliva and precum and sweat, and his stomach churned. This was so wrong. He couldn't be here right now. Not after that, whatever that was.

He needed to think.

Half-hard he stood up, pulling on a pair of lounge pants haphazardly and yanking on a t-shirt as well. Tino realized that his lover was up and dressing and moving away from him, and suddenly the panic set in. He forced himself to breathe enough so that he could sit up and speak so that maybe they could work this out-

"Berwald," Tino finally managed, breaths coming out in small gasps and words only whispers, "Berwald I can-"

The Swedish man shook his head and quickly moved to the door, unable to even speak, and at that he was gone to somewhere that he wasn't quite sure of where yet. Tino tried to stumble after him but was still too weak and out of breath to fully stand. He ended up collapsing on the floor after a few half-steps, and all he could do was take a shuddering breath in before the bitterest of tears came.

And that was when he realized that tonight was the night that he had finally driven Berwald away.

Berwald wandered through the corridors quickly, still unsure of where to go. He had moved floors just in case the other had left the room to avoid having to speak just yet, and he mentally ran through options. Going to the nurse's suite was an option. He could just say he was violently ill, and Mr. Wang would be sure to give him at least a day of staying there so he didn't infect anyone else. Still though, what if he needed more than a day, and what if he couldn't feign the illness?

He supposed that he could go to Gilbert's room. He knew the silverette, and the self-proclaimed Prussian let anyone who needed a room crash on the floor (he had to repay them all for dragging his drunken ass back onto campus somehow). Still though, then he'd have to put up with his prying, and surely the Frenchman would press him for a story to gossip about. Antonio might be more understanding, but he would still have to face Francis eventually there. Lars? He got along well with the man, they both spoke little, but he didn't want to risk getting caught by his professors reeking of weed. Matthieu was an agreeable boy, but he probably couldn't be bothered at this time of night.

That left him with one choice that he really, really didn't want to make. He made his way down to the familiar room, listening closely. No slapping of skin, no gasping, no moaning. They were usually fucking, they were always fucking, and even then there was a chance that somehow they were fucking, but now seemed like as good a time as any to try his luck. Berwald rapped on the door softly, waiting for a response.

Groggy mumbling could be heard from a corner of the room, and the sound of shuffling and sheets came before heavy footsteps thudding towards the door. When it opened Mathias stood in the doorway, hair mussed up even more than usual, almost surprised at his visitor.

"Waldy?" He asked in surprise, not even bothering to whisper. "Man, what bought you here?"

Nikolai sat up in bed (it was exactly the way he had left it, and them, two twin mattresses pressed together to make a full bed minus his that used to make it even bigger-) and leaned to look past Mathias, equally as surprised to see the other there.

"Waldy?" Mathias asked again. "Hey, you don't look too good…"

That was his breaking point. A tear slipped from Berwald's eye and he took a shaky breath in, and for once Mathias managed to be serious.

"Come on in Berwald." He said, taking his old friend by the hand and leading him into the room. Nikolai moved over so that there was room on the bed for Berwald to sit and gingerly put a hand on his shoulder for the first time since they all stopped talking, and more tears came.

"Just hang in there Waldy, it'll be okay." Mathias tried, not the best at comfort but sensing the need for it. "Uh…"

"Get him some water you dolt." Nikolai prompted, rubbing the Swede's back.

"Right!" The Dane agreed, and looked around the room for a bottle that wasn't full of beer.

"There there, just relax…" The Norwegian soothed more gently.

"Is this it Nikki?" Mathias asked, holding up a thermos.

"No, that's my tea."

"Oh."

"Check my book bag."

"Right-o!"

The Danish teen dug through the book bag and eventually found the bottled water, bringing it over to the Swede and offering it to him. Berwald took it gratefully and held it to his dry lips, taking a few long sips. For some reason, Nikolai always knew what would calm him and Mathias down when they were all still together, and it seems that he had never lost that knowledge. After steadying his breathing he handed the bottle back to Mathias, who took a drink of it while he had it before setting it on the bed side table.

"Are you okay?" Nikolai asked, after a minute had elapsed. Berwald shook his head.

"Can you talk?"

"Ja." Berwald rasped, weakly.

"Okay. Can you tell me how you got here?" Nikolai started.

"Ah came down the stairs an' walked aroun' a while."

"Good. Where were you before?"

"In mah room."

"Were you alone?"

"No."

Taking a breath in, Nikolai asked his next question.

"Was it Tino?"

"Yes." Berwald barely whispered. Mathias furrowed his brow, listening.

"Did you fight?" The Norwegian asked tentatively.

"… Na' exactly."

"What happened?"

"… Ah dunno."

"Berwald?"

"Ja?"

"We won't judge you. You just have to tell us what happened." Nikolai prompted, gentle as he could. Mathias nodded.

"Look man, even if he fucked you in the ass I wouldn't rag on you about it. Just say what's on your mind; it's weird when you're like this." The Dane encouraged.

"… Ah think ah hurt him." Berwald finally responded.

"Not enough lube?" The Dane asked.

"No. Ah…" He sighed. "He put mah hands on his throat…" Mathias raised his brows a little.

"That's some kinky shit. Didn't know Tino was into that."

"Mathias!" Berwald said, voice cracking. "Ah think ah hurt him! Wasn't somethin' we ever talked 'bout, he was chokin' an' his lips were blue an-" he stopped, unable to take the rest of it. Both of the other boys stopped and let their friend catch his breath, and Mathias grabbed the bottle of water again and sighed. After the other stopped shaking as badly, Nikolai intervened.

"So basically he forced you."

"What?" Berwald asked, quietly.

"He made you do something you weren't comfortable with."

Berwald couldn't respond to that. It was like his mouth was full of sand, and it was going down his throat, and even if he opened for a breath that wouldn't fix anything- Mathias pushed him to take a drink, and he did, slowly, and though his mouth felt clearer he still couldn't bring himself to speak.

"Berwald, what he did was wrong. Nothing is your fault; it's okay to feel scared or confused." Nikolai assured.

"But he did things fer me-" Berwald cut in, but was cut off by the other.

"He consented to those things though, didn't he?" The Norwegian countered. "They also weren't dangerous now, were they? I know you, Berwald. And I also know sex. And I also know if he was going to pull shit like that, he damn well had to tell you first."

"Yeah seriously dude," Mathias cut in, "even Nikki and I talked before we tried anything."

"But ah…" Berwald started to protest, but couldn't finish the thought.

"Berwald?" Nikolai pressed, gently, trying to bring him back to the moment.

"… Did he wan' it?" Berwald asked, slowly.

"It doesn't matter. You didn't."

"But he lemme call him wife, call's himself wife, an' he didn' wan' it."

"Calling someone a name and doing something potentially hazardous are two different things, Berwald!" The Norwegian exclaimed, exasperated. His eyes flashed dangerously, and he looked as though he were about to say more but stopped and caught his breath, composing himself before he continued. He sat back a moment, took a deep breath and closed his eyes before re-opening them and letting out the breath, and then he began to speak again. This time his voice was softer.

"Look Berwald. He consented to an active effort on his part. That's some sort of want right there, however little. What he did… that's different. That's the type of stuff that sends people into panic attacks, like this, and needs to be talked about. Don't try and defend him on that point."

Berwald remained silent, frozen in thought, and this time Mathias spoke.

"Berwald, it was a dick move. It was."

The Swedish teen sighed, and then managed to look at the two.

"Well whaddya want me to do?" he asked. "Ah still care 'bout him. Ah wanna stay with him…"

"Berwald, think about this. He hurt you. You're in shock, and I know you can't process too much right now and you're hanging onto other things but is it really right for you to stay? Is that really something that you can love?" Nikolai challenged.

"It takes a lot to live with those kinds of needs, Wadly. It takes time, effort, patience, and just a special type of person capable of dealing with special types of fucked up. Do you really want 'fucked up' to be your 'normal'?" Mathias added, helping his lover's case.

"You do kinky stuff too." The Swede responded, weakly.

"We do. But we were ready for that, Waldy. We're both that kind of fucked up. But you, you aren't. You're lying if you say that you are, because you wouldn't be here right now if you were." The Dane countered.

From Berwald's lips came silence. Mathias took the opportunity to continue speaking.

"Look, Waldy… It's been a long time since freshman year. I know that. I mean, we're the fucking senior class now for god's sake. And we didn't talk to you- well, really talk- to you for a very long time, and we're sorry about that. But look…" He sighed, eyes glazing over like they sometimes did when he was serious, and Berwald wracked his brain to remember the last time that he had seen the man like this.

"We still care about you Berwald," The Dane picked up, "and sometimes, we think about what we could all do… you know, instead of just pretend that we don't all know each other like we do."

"Mathias-" Berwald started, and Nikolai hushed him gently.

"Berwald, just listen." He cooed. "Please."

And that took him back to his freshman year, before the whole fucking mess, when he and Mathias would both be so star-struck over the Norwegian and they used to share the feeling instead of fighting for it-

"And we think about it. And… well, one day we decided something. If you ever came back, we'd make it just the three of us again… only this time it would be far more equal." The Danish teen said, voice low.

"… But ah'm in love with Tino…" The Swede protested, softly.

"But he hurt you. You can't go back right now, but you sure as hell don't want to be alone again, do you?" Mathias coaxed.

"Ah just need some time to think."

"Spend some time with us."

"Ah won' be unfaithful."

"Never said you had to be- just leave him first, solves everything."

"Ah dun wanna leave him!" Berwald cried, a shuddering breath following his proclamation.

"Hush, shhh. Calm, it's okay. You don't have to do anything right now." Nikolai soothed. The Swedish teen breathed, and when he next spoke sounded almost drugged.

"Ah dun wanna leave him…"

"I know."

"I love him."

"Does he love you?"

The Swedish teen remained silent for a moment, and Nikolai sighed.

"Look, Berwald. You're not feeling quite okay right now. You're confused. You're upset. You're hurt. And look, I know we had our differences, but… but we're still your friends, Ber." He cooed, and all Berwald could think of was Tino, in that same voice, saying Ber… "And friends don't let friends fall apart like this. We're you're friends Berwald. Mathias and I, we love you. We would make sure you were feeling alright. That's all we were trying to say there." He assured, gently. At that, Berwald relaxed a little, not even remembering when he came so tense but everything still hurt anyway-

" I don't feel safe letting you go right now Berwald." The Norwegian continued. "I don't. And so I think you should wait this out a few days, really think about what's happening and gather your head. Then you can go from there."

And somehow, maybe it was by the authority in his voice or the genuine concern in those usual ice blue eyes or the fact that Mathias looked like he was almost crying for god sakes Mathias never cried, but Berwald nodded slowly to the two.

"Ya' really want me here?" He asked.

"Yes." Nikolai answered, all confidence.

"Hell yeah." Mathias smiled, with a sly grin. "We can have an threesome."

"Alright, ah'll stay the night." Berwald agreed. "M'not doin' anythin' questionable, though. Tino's-"

"Who needs that eastern loser?" Mathias spat, almost annoyed. "Look, he hurt you enough. Just forget about him for tonight. Let's talk about something else, m'kay?"

And even as he nodded slowly in some sort of acknowledgement to Mathias's request, he didn't comply. Berwald couldn't bring himself to forget. He never could, he'd never be able to- Tino had given him things, things that seemed like love. Things like his smile, the way that their hands hung clasped together as they walked, his scent when Berwald pressed kisses against his hair and temples and the way that they- oh god. Even if it was only pseudo-love, he ached for it still.

Not even the delirium the eventually came with sleeplessness could dull the agony.

For once, Tino had no idea how to make it all better.

He couldn't cope, oh god he just couldn't cope. Hadn't he realized that this was dangerous, growing so dependent on something that he couldn't control- oh fuck he was screwed. Slowly, slowly, as he managed to swallow down sobs instead of screaming them, he tried to think.

Berwald. Berwald was gone, somewhere without him, because… well, he hurt him. The Swedish teen couldn't have been ready for that; why the hell hadn't Tino stopped himself sooner? He could have insisted on finishing the blowjob, fantasized, even waited just a god-damn half an hour to take care of things- but no. He was reckless, and now he had to endure this.

He didn't know how the hell he would manage. Choking was tainted now. It ruined the sanctity that he and Berwald had created together, and somehow it just wasn't comforting at the moment purely because now it was now the problem and no longer the solution. Never once did he think that he would see this day. That was one way to curb an addiction, for sure.

He didn't want to go back to his room. He didn't want to go back to his cold, empty room and have to try and hide from the monsters that waited for him when he slept. He didn't have the key to this room, this warm, safe place that smelt of Berwald and their love-making. Maybe if he waited long enough Berwald would just come back? But… but what if this was his eviction notice?

He needed help. He needed someone to help him sort this all out before he went completely insane. He was already half-way there, and that impaired him enough. Slowly he took out his phone and started to thumb at the keys, scrolling through his contact list for an ever familiar number. He had never cared more about it than tonight.

The dial tone droned on and on, and eventually a voice weighed down by sleep answered.

"…Nngh… hello?..." The Estonian teen answered.

"Eh-Eduard-" Tino's voice pitched. "Do you have a minute?"

At that there was the shifting of blankets, and a yawn before a much clearer response. "Tino, what's wrong?"

"I… d-do you have a minute?" he croaked, unable to speak without a few shuddering sobs breaking his words.

"Tino, where are you?"

"Berwald's room… uh- uh-" A hiccup, a sob, "uh-lone… is there room on your floor?"

"You can have the bed."

"The floor is f-fine. Just t-t-tell me you have a minute."

"I have all night." For you, Eduard would have added, if Tino didn't sound so much like falling apart and ready to snap at the slightest provocation-

"I- I'll be right th-there." He barely whispered.

"I'll get the spare blankets."

"Thank you." He murmured, before hanging up the phone and taking one last good, long look at the room that had served as his safe haven.

He left with a few souvenirs to keep his lover close to his heart.

"Tino." Eduard prompted gently, staring down at his friend on the floor. The Finn's knees were curled to his chest, and his arms wrapped around them to cage himself in. His eyes were closed, and his nose was buried against the cloth in his lap, a few pieces of Berwald's clothing that had been discarded during the unfinished love-making session.

"Tino." Eduard tried again.

"What?" Tino barely whispered.

"Why do you have those?" He asked, gently. Tino's eyes snapped open, and he stared up at the other.

"They were his. They still smell like him. He smells good. I love him." Tino babbled, rocking slightly.

"Tino…" The Estonian tried, gingerly, "Just calm down…"

"I can't calm down right now Eduard. I can't calm the fuck down. How the fuck do you expect me to calm down?" He asked, throwing his head back and either laughing or crying- it was hard to tell in that light, in that moment, with that bitterness dripping from his words.

"Tino-"

"I can't calm down I just pushed him away-"

"Look, just-"

"I can't calm down!" He wailed, tears trickling down his cheeks, and this time Eduard waited until his hysteria had died down and back into the unstable silence from earlier. When he was sure that Tino wasn't right about to speak, he tried talking to him again.

"Tino?"

"Yes?" He rasped, voice raw now. Eduard took a deep breath in before speaking, bracing himself for his friend's reaction to his question.

"What happened?" he asked quietly.

"He left me." Tino whispered. "He left me while we were making love."

That- that was something that Eduard hadn't expected. Who the hell would leave Tino in the middle of touching him? The Finnish teen was probably the wet dream of everyone else in the damn institution, and Eduard came to the conclusion that the Swede had to be dumb or crazy to have left him like that. Either way, there was one thing that held true in both scenarios, and that was that the Swedish teen had to be heartless for leaving the Finn like this. Or maybe… he had a reason to leave? Did he fuck him and beat him and maybe, maybe things went too far-

"Oh my god… does he hurt you? Tino, how long has this been going on?" Eduard asked, concerned. He leaned in towards his friend, and Tino pulled back before responding.

"Nothing has been going on, Eduard-" He snapped, now on the verge of tears again, but then caught himself. "Look. Berwald didn't hurt me- not like that."

"Verbal abuse is a real thing."

"Not that either."

"Then what?"

"When he left me." Tino murmured, voice barely leaving his lips.

Eduard sighed. He knew that right now his friend was fragile, and he should not be focusing on his annoyance towards Berwald right now, but somehow it all seemed so… oh, it frustrated him.

"Tino, he's not god, he's not air, you won't die without him-"

"I will." Tino cut in, voice pitching. "You don't understand Eduard. You don't understand what it's like to be in love." He choked, swallowing down a hiccup.

"Tino, you are being irrational-"

"I am perfectly rational." Tino insisted, lip stiff. "I know what I feel, what I want, what I need. You don't."

A sigh. "Okay, point taken, but- oh god Tino, do you realize what you sound like right now?"

"Yes. Yes I do, Eduard. Crazy, right? You're trying to tell me I sound fucking crazy, aren't you?" He clipped, venom in his voice. Eduard jumped back again. The Finn was particularly volatile tonight, that was for sure.

"No, god Tino don't take it like that I- okay, look. I know you're hurt right now. I guess I would be too if I were in your position. But Tino, you're sitting here acting like he's the only one in the world who ever loved you- don't you realize that there are other people that could- that do?" Like me.

"No, Eduard, there are not. They don't love me the way he does. They'll never be able to." He said, eyes glazed over as he thought of the way his lover looked and smelled and tasted and loved-

Ouch. "But… I mean, no one's exactly the same…" he tried weakly. "And I'm sure anyone else that would be lucky enough to get with you-"

"I don't fucking want anyone else, Eduard!" Tino cried, exasperated. "Don't you understand? I want Berwald. I just want Berwald. I don't care about anyone else…" He said, twisting his hands in his hair. "I need to find a way to get him back. I have to fix this…" he mumbled, rocking slightly. Eduard wasn't sure if he was talking to himself or addressing him.

It was strange seeing the usually perky Finn like this, so sullen and tired, so tired, he looked so god-damn tired too and Eduard almost hoped that maybe in the morning Tino would be more rational and maybe consider- oh, who the fuck was he kidding? Tino wasn't one to just give up on what he wanted.

"It wasn't you did anything wrong, I'm sure." He finally responded, deciding to try and move the conversation along. "How can you fix something that you didn't break?"

Tino looked up at him and slowly head turning, and met his eyes. He looked like what someone who was dying looked like, movements slow and laboured, and mechanically he smiled, weakly, bitterly, before letting out a low chuckle.

"Funny thing about that…" He murmured, looking down at his lap again, eyes still red-rimmed and with tears even as he half-smiled.

"He didn't do anything wrong." The Finn explained. "It…"

God. How the fuck did he explain this? At this rate he'd almost be forced to admit that it was his own fault for pushing the man away, but… but there went his reputation. His perfect façade of the beautiful boy that everyone wanted. Fuck, he had never thought he would have to part with it.

It was foreign, the thought of not having that reputation for himself there, with him, preceding him. He came here, made his way up the social ladder, and he sure as hell never saw himself coming back down. But now… now people would talk. People would know. People would know all of the terrible things about him that they weren't supposed to know. They'd know he wasn't actually the perfect boyfriend. They wouldn't want him anymore.

And yet somehow, scared as he was, he couldn't bring himself to take the easy way out and frame Berwald to rid of the whole mess.

More than anything, even if his image was shattered, he wanted to protect the other man. It was truly the Finn's own damn fault, the Swede had been nothing but perfect to him. And… and he still loved him. Even though he left him, still half-aroused and unfinished, he fucking loved him. There was no anger. There was no need for revenge. There was just bitter, bitter sadness, and a gaping hole in his heart that he would do anything- anything, he could be a good wife- anything to fill.

"It was my fault." he finally said, after the lengthy pause. "This really was my fault."

"What?" Eduard asked, gently. "Tino, let's not play the blame game now-"

"But it really was my fault, Eduard. I caused it. And besides, weren't you just blaming Berwald a minute ago?" He challenged.

"… Okay. Fine. I'm sorry." He said. "But somehow, I don't see how this is your fault. Explain to me how him leaving while you two were in the middle of…"

"Making love. Berwald and I were making love." Tino helped him, pushing the stream of thought on.

Jealously reared its ugly head, and he swallowed the lump in his throat before continuing. "Yes, that- but if he was the one that left, what did you do?"

"Do you know why he left me like that?" The Finn asked, voice dangerously low. He smiled strangely, coldly, and he looked up at the Estonian teen from under his bangs.

Eduard hadn't thought of that. Admittedly, he had overlooked the fact that maybe (but probably not) Berwald wasn't as much of a complete dick-face as he had initially thought, and maybe (… maybe) there had been something that made him go…

"Do you know why, Eduard?" Tino asked again, louder, impatient with the silence that he had been greeted with.

"Why?" Eduard asked, quietly, because the other almost commanded it.

"Because I'm sick, Eduard." He laughed, softly, bitter and sharp. "I'm very, very sick. I do things that are sick, and I made him do one with me. And that scared him."

"…What kind of things?" Eduard asked. Tino grinned darkly, and it made him shudder.

"What do you think, Eduard?" He murmured. "Get creative. We were making love."

… Thoughts of every hard-core porno he had ever watched (okay, clicked on by accident, chickened out, and then turned off) flooded his brain, and his eyes widened as he looked at his friend, who was still smiling but now with an almost triumphant satisfaction.

"Get it now?" He asked, almost sweetly. He didn't know exactly what Eduard was thinking, but judging by his face he had gotten his point across.

Eduard wasn't even sure who he was talking to anymore.

Author's note: Months. It has been months. I am so sorry, if you even remember me and this I will be so happy.

So, things have picked up a little now, as you can see. It's late (early?) and my brain is dead, and I cannot write a decent author's note. I just needed to get this out. Needed to. As usual, I tried my best, and I hope you enjoy it, and know I didn't forget about you guys, still love you.

Reviews (be gentle?) are so very much appreciated.