Time seemed to slow itself as the day went on- it couldn't pass fast enough for anyone, really.
Tino's nerves were already shot to hell, and waiting definitely wasn't helping him any. The clocks mocked him as he glanced, and then waited, and then glanced again to realize that barely even a minute had went by. And now that he had searched almost everywhere already, he was alone with only his thoughts to pass the time. God fucking dammit. Was it really necessary that Nikolai make him wait? Somehow the Finn doubted that the other actually felt so strongly about his classes.
Maybe at another time, in another situation, if he was a different (read: better) person he would have asked himself why, but he already knew the answer- because he deserved it. He was well aware that he fucked up, and even if he would have lied to anyone else there was no reason to lie to himself. He fucked up, and he deserved everything that came his way. And maybe, in this situation, Nikolai was just an agent for Karma.
But he did deserve it. In the end, it didn't matter if it made sense or not. He deserved everything that was thrown his way, and probably even some more. He couldn't stand much more, though. He hoped it would all be over soon, and everything would be fixed and better and nice and he could go back to life the way it was supposed to be with him and Berwald and their being together-he stopped thinking about it when his eyes started to sting again.
He looked around for a clock again, and even though it took him a moment to read through watery eyes he saw that finally more time had passed. One thirty. Alright. One thirty was good. It meant that he was almost there- still not soon enough, though. Never quite soon enough.
Deciding to be on the safe side, he started to head back to the cafeteria. It was a short walk, but he didn't want to be scrambling last minute either way. As he got closer barely five minutes had passed, and he decided that it would be safe to stop in the next bathroom to clean up a little.
The row of mirrors that greeted him told him that he looked like shit, and he smiled almost apologetically. I know, he would have said, if they could have appreciated his response. I know. He stopped in front of a sink and started the water, splashing it across his face and then rubbing it in as if it would make the circles under his eyes and the bruises on his cheek wash off. No such luck. Upon hearing a flush he realized that he was not alone, and he tensed as he glanced in the mirror to see who else was there. Berwald?
No. Just Eduard- Karma really did like fucking with him.
Eduard was shocked to finally run into Tino, especially in the five minutes he let his guard down. He took the sink next to his tired, rigid friend and tuned to look at him as he washed his hands, taking a deep breath in before saying the ballsiest thing he had ever said to the pretty blonde- well, besides that one time he almost told him that he liked him.
"Fucking god Tino would it kill you to pick up your phone? I was worried about you- and don't even give me that 'I didn't have it on me' bullshit, anyone can see you texting him constantly…" He scolded, even though towards the end his voice cracked a little.
"I was done talking to you, it was getting really distracting and I didn't want to slip up and miss him if he was there. Would it have killed you to wait ten minutes between calling again and again and again?" He fired back, making Eduard lose whatever strength he had gathered.
"Okay, you have a point, sorry… just… fuck, I'm just worried about you." He almost whispered at the end.
"I told you not to be." Tino said, turning to dry his hands. "Look, I appreciate what you did for me, I really do. But that doesn't make me forever indebted to you, and I have no obligation to check in with you every time I do something. Besides, I am kind of focused on finding Berwald right now and whenever I mention Berwald all you do is get all pissy anyway."
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe there's a reason for that?" Eduard finally asked, exasperated.
"Because you think I'm sick? Because you think I'm messed up in the head? Because you don't want him and I to be fucking happy together, is that it? You don't want me to be happy Eduard?" He spat, voice a little louder than it had been all day.
"Tino no, I mean I-"
"I don't even want to know anymore!" He cried, throwing his hands up. "Look, Nikolai is going to tell me what's going on, and I can't deal with your drama right now and so don't call me anymore today, we'll pick this shit up some other time okay? Okay. Bye."
At that Tino turned on his heel and walked out of the space, and Eduard let a pained smile spread across his lips after he had gone. "Fucking love you." He finished his sentence, bitterly, laughing a humourless laugh.
It was about then that Eduard realized that Tino could be a real bitch.
Tino was fifteen minutes early; he spent it sending a text or five. Nikolai was five minutes late. When the Norwegian walked in to the cafeteria, he didn't even get two more steps before Tino bounded towards him.
"You're here. Good." Nikolai said, with absolutely no warmth.
"Yeah." Tino agreed, quietly. They both knew what he wanted to say- where is he?- but the Finn knew better than to talk out of turn right now.
"I don't want to be in the cafeteria." The Norwegian teen said. "We should go outside."
Another pointless demand, another way to break him down- Tino knew this game. With a weak smile he nodded, compliant.
"Okay." He agreed. He could play along. Whatever it took.
The two set off, and the walk felt like forever to Tino yet quicker than ever to his companion. The Norwegian took his time picking a spot to sit, and eventually he settled on one of the tables slightly farther away from the building. He motioned for Tino to sit across from him, and even when the other complied he was silent a moment before he finally decided that they could get on with it.
"You're here for Berwald." He stated, simply.
"Yes." Tino said. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to say much else yet, and so he held his tongue.
The Norwegian stared him down for a moment, critically, before taking another sip of tea and speaking again after.
"You do realize that you're a colossal bitch, and there is no good reason for me to be bothering with you right now."
"I know." Tino agreed. It was true, and it kept Nikolai happy. If the Norwegian felt in control he would feel comfortable, and if he felt comfortable he could start to let things slip, like where Berwald was…
"What in hell made you think that your little stunt in the bedroom was okay?" Nikolai asked, leaning back slightly.
Somehow, he wasn't even alarmed that the other knew his dirty little secret. Maybe at one point he would have been, or maybe he should have been, but the pain in his chest had numbed everything so that it didn't matter unless it was about a man named Berwald Oxenstierna. Instead of flinching like he might have even days ago, he gazed wearily at the other and replied.
"It wasn't." The Finn responded. "It wasn't okay at all. Look… I didn't mean to. I didn't want to force him. I… I have a problem." He said, timidly.
"We all have problems." The other responded, un-amused.
"No, I mean… Oh. I…" Tino trailed off as he struggled for words.
"If you want to say it spit it out." Nikolai demanded.
"I have a fetish for being choked, okay? I'm assuming you knew already if we're having this conversation, but it's… oh. I just couldn't help it, his hands were just so close to my throat and I just… oh."
"Oh my fucking god." The Norwegian snorted. "Look, we have already established that you have a fetish, you're not special for it or anything. And we both already know what happened. I asked you if you thought what you did was okay, I didn't ask you to narrate your sex life to me."
"It wasn't okay." He answered again, trying to placate the other. "And I'm not special, I know. I am fucked up though." He smiled, weakly, the same smile he used when he would try and gain sympathy usually. Nikolai stared him down, unsympathetic.
"You are fucked up, we have established that as well, and don't expect me to feel sorry for you or anything. Look, I know your game. You make yourself look weak, or out of control, and you expect the person on the other end to feel bad for you and ease up. However, I am not going to play along. I do not care about your un-called for inner turmoil, I am here because of what you did that night, not to be your personal shrink for your fucked up little life. Pull yourself together and fucking answer the questions if you expect me to help you."
The words stung- oh, you don't know just how fucked up all of it really is- and a broken smile moved across Tino's lips before he laughed a joyless laugh, his eyes downcast. "I know." He replied. "I know you're not going to feel sorry for me, I don't deserve it."
"Don't try and stall."
"I just want you to know I understand what you're saying, and I want you to be able to understand where I'm coming from. We need to be able to comprehend each other if we expect to get anywhere, right? Understand one another? If you can relate a bit this will all be easier and you'll understand the answers I'm trying to give you." He rationalized. "I know we're at least a little alike." He smiled, hauntingly sadly.
"But I'm not a heartless bitch." Nikolai retorted.
"I know- and I'm not either. How could I love him without a heart?" The Finnish teen asked.
"Do you really expect me to believe that you love him?" The other questioned, coldly.
"Yes." He replied, voice wavering slightly. "I do. I love him so much. I need him, Nikolai. Don't you know what it's like to need someone?"
"I do." The Norwegian responded, calmly, quietly. "I also know that when you love someone to the point of need, you do not do anything to jeopardize their being there. Don't you know that?"
"I do." Tino agreed. "I didn't want to, oh god I didn't mean to. It was the worst mistake of my life. I-" He shook his head, eyes glassy. "Oh fuck I'd do anything to take it back."
"Would you now?" Nikolai asked.
"Of course." Tino nodded. "Of course I would. I'll do anything to make it up to him. Anything he wants. I want him to love me again." He said, voice pitching and cracking as he tried to keep his composure.
"Do you really?" His companion asked, coldly. "Because I don't believe you. Do you know what I think, Tino?" he asked. Tino remained silent, waiting for him to elaborate.
"I think you want him to love you again so that you can break him. I think you want to get him wrapped around your finger so that you can break him all over again, and I think that's what you wanted to do this time- only this time you fucked up. That's why you need a second chance, isn't it?"
"No, no, no I need him back because I love him! I don't want to do anything to him but make him happy with me again, god the last thing I want to do is break him!" The Finn cried out, a sob slipping from his throat.
"You know, since this is coming from you I have a hard time believing that- I know what you do to people you bitch. You take them, you make the fucking want to die for you and then you use them, and use them and use them until they're dead and you walk away like nothing ever fucking happened. Like you never knew them. And I will not let you break Berwald's heart like that; he deserves better." Nikolai said, bitterly.
"Berwald does deserve better than that, I wouldn't do that to him!" He wailed. "Look, I won't lie to you, yes I've done that to other people before and I know it and I meant to but my god he's the one person I won't ever do that to! He is the one person I ever cared about enough to put first, and I love him, I love him enough to give up everything to make this work again and can you just trust me on that?" He choked, trying to speak through broken sobs.
Tino almost seemed like he wanted to say more but he started hyperventilating and he stopped to try and breathe again. His face was a mess, covered with sticky tears, and somehow Nikolai felt almost wrong staring at him like that.
"Fix your face." He said, though slightly softer that he had been all conversation.
Tino sniffled and nodded, taking his hands and more smearing the tears across his skin, but it's not like there was much else that he could have done. They glistened over the spotting from the bruises and the hollow circles under his eyes, and he almost looked like even more of a wreck if that was even possible.
Nikolai waited while the other tried to calm himself, and though his face didn't show it he was mildly surprised first that Tino admitted to his accusation, and then that he actually sounded somewhat genuine. Once the sobs slowed a little and his breathing evened back out to slow, shaky, shallow breaths, the Norwegian spoke again.
"Would you trade choking for him?" He asked, slowly.
There it was- the question Tino had been asking himself for months. He had lost sleep over it, struggled with it, turned it around and around and around over and over and over and now here he was at gunpoint, no more time to think. He would have to live with this decision, and his heart was racing until he realized that really it was not for him to decide- he already knew the answer from the past few days, weeks, months. His heart slowed as he relaxed, and slowly his lips moved.
"Yes." He said, softly, nodding. "Yes. Yes, I would give up choking for him." It didn't help anymore anyway- really, he had already made the trade a long time ago.
"You will never get another chance again, so you better mean that." Nikolai said, coldly. It was an empty threat, as much as he wished that it wasn't. But he knew it was just as much as he knew Berwald, just as much as he could see in the man's eyes that he'd do whatever it took to be with Tino. It was the only way he would be able to live. He wished that he didn't have to watch the Swede go through such anguish as he did.
"I do." Tino promised, interrupting his train of thought. "He's so much more important."
"He is." The other agreed.
"He is." The Finn affirmed again.
There was a pause. The silence was heavy, and Tino was the first to crack under the weight.
"Can I please see him now?" He begged, weary but not giving up.
"Tonight." Nikolai responded, simply. Berwald silently promised him the day, and Berwald was a man of his word (or lack thereof), but he knew the second the day was over he would run right back to his pretty little lover.
Having to wait yet longer killed him a little inside, but Tino swallowed the knot in his throat and nodded, not wanting to fuck anything up.
"Does he know where to find me?" Tino asked, shakily.
"I'm sure he could figure it out eventually, but do you want me to tell him a place?" The Norwegian asked.
Tino nodded. "Can you tell him the cafeteria?" He asked. He really couldn't stand being alone in his room anymore.
"Sure." Nikolai agreed. "Time?"
"As soon as possible- I'll be there." He said, simply. His voice was quiet now, and even though there was something still frantic under it the Finn could have passed for calm.
"You really want to wait that long?"
"Yep." He said, lightly, as though there wasn't another way to answer.
"Fine then- I'll tell him."
"Thank you."
Then there was silence, and the two stayed stationary for a while almost as if moving would somehow disrupt something sacred. Finally Nikolai spoke again.
"I still don't trust you."
"I know."
More silence. This time the Norwegian stood, looking down as his companion one last time for the day.
"I hope this never stops hurting you." Nikolai said, casually.
"Believe me it won't." Tino assured.
"He deserves better."
"I know. I'll make it better."
"See to it that you do."
"I will."
"I hate you."
Tino paused before responding, a strange smile crossing his lips as looked up at the other, eyes hollow and haunting.
"Someone has to." He said, voice soft and cracked and smiling all the way.
The smile never fell from his lips even when he fell silent. It was unsettling, poignant and piercing and almost not even deserving to be called a smile. It made Nikolai's skin crawl, and he looked to the ground while he muttered his goodbye before he turned on his heel as quick as he could to get the hell away, leaving the Finn alone. Tino watched him go, and once the other was out of his line of sight he stood and made his way inside and settle down to wait again.
The events that happened between the end of Nikolai and Tino's meeting and before the end of the day that Berwald had promised were not significant.
Tino drank a juice box to sweeten his breath as he sat against the doorjamb of the cafeteria. Nikolai washed his thermos out in the bathroom since his tea went cold before he went back to his room. There he joined Mathias, who had taken to playing a one-player game of chess, and Berwald, who only watched. Ivan followed a distance behind his 'friend' Toris who tagged along with Feliks on a walk once they had both given up trying to help Eduard for the day. Eduard finally took a break from bending over backwards that he should have taken years ago. And the monotony of it all went on, and on, and on, and on.
And then finally came the night.
Berwald stood first and walked to the door, Mathias and Nikolai following. No one seemed to have the heart to push it open right away- they weren't quite done yet. Mathias looked at Berwald who looked back at him before looking at Nikolai, who gazed back at him as more time ticked away and finally he sighed, heavily, before he spoke to him for the first time all day.
"So this is it." He murmured.
"F'ya wanna put it tha' way, bu' tha' sounds really bad." The Swede responded.
"It is bad. I never thought I'd have to say goodbye twice." Nikolai said, voice cracking.
"Na' goodbye, really."
"Yes it is, you're going to go back to him and then we're never going to see you again-" He started, voice shaking like it did when he was getting ready to put up a fight until Berwald took his shoulders and cut him off.
"Ah'll come back to visit." He assured.
"…You better." He whispered, weak, defeated, realizing that there was absolutely nothing left that he could do to change things.
At that Berwald leaned down to give his long-time friend a hug, pretending not to notice a few teardrops stain his chest. Nikolai wouldn't want him to say anything about it, anyway. When they parted Nikolai bit his lip and turned his face away, arms around himself, and Berwald turned to face Mathias. The Dane smiled a slightly sad smile.
"Least we can't say this is my fault this time." He laughed, and Berwald laughed a little with him.
"Ah'll be 'round this time." The other assured again, and Mathias stalled a little before pulling his best friend into a tight squeeze, and Berwald returned the gesture.
When they finally let go Mathias gave one last bittersweet smile, and Nikolai stole another glance at him.
"I'm supposed to tell you Tino's waiting for you in the cafeteria." He finally admitted after a pregnant pause, and Berwald's eyes widened.
"Y'talked to him?"
"Yeah- I almost didn't even need to, though, anyone could have told you he's been looking for you without ever having talked to him at this rate."
"…How long?" Berwald asked, pale in the face.
"About since you got here. He's been going almost non-stop. He keeps trying your cell even though you don't have it on you- don't know if he thought about that yet."
Shit.
"Is he okay? Why didn' ya' tell me? Is he angry, upset, has he been sleepin' right, sometimes he doesn't sleep when he's upset-"
"I didn't tell you because you needed time, and I didn't want you to rush. I can tell you he's not angry, he's closer to hysterical. And before you ask me any more questions about how he's doing, consider that he might be able to answer them better than I can." Nikolai said, his usual coldness starting to set back in. At least it wouldn't hurt as much for him when Berwald walked out the door, then.
"Oh mah ga'." Berwald mumbled, holding his face in one hand. "Ah gotta go t'him."
"The go." Nikolai said, finally accepting the fact that it was time to part. Berwald was already gone really, his mind back to his lover, and even though their eyes met one last time he wasn't in the moment. He murmured his final goodbyes, a promise to visit some later date, but his mind was already down the hall and soon his feet followed.
It was almost surreal being back out of his own self-induced purgatory, and he felt like he was more gliding over the floor than he was taking his own steps. Hell even the lighting kind of looked different. He probably could have observed more but he was kind of in a rush; he really needed to put on some fresh clothes instead of the ones he had left in, grab his phone, get to Tino… god he was worried about the Finn.
He got to his room in record time and unlocked the door about as fast as the old lock and key could take before he about ran in and grabbed his phone off of the nightstand. Fuck. It was dead. Haphazardly he started digging through his drawers to find where the hell he dropped his charger last, twisting into a clean shirt and one-handedly changing into a pair of pants he found in the process. He managed to trip over a cord as he moved, and mentally kicked himself when he realized he had just wasted a good few minutes looking for something right under his feet.
Hastily he plugged in the phone, willing it to turn on even for just a minute, and after a short period of stalling it finally lit up. Missed call. Two missed calls. Three, four- New text. Two new texts. Three, four five, ten, twenty-five, fifty- they just kept coming, and Berwald stopped keeping track. He tried opening the messages, and even though he was always quickly interrupted by more he managed to read a few. Shit- Tino did sound hysterical. He wasn't mad at least, thank god, but… dammit he sounded hurt. The last thing Berwald ever meant to do to the beautiful boy was hurt him.
He dropped the phone on the nightstand and let it continue it's business as it charged, and rushed out of the room as quickly as he'd ran in. He barely even remembered going through the corridors, or the blur of the stairs beneath him as he flew down them. All he knew was that it took too god damn long, and he couldn't afford to waste any more time than he already had, especially if Tino was in the state Nikolai made him out to be and that his texts said that he was.
Tino wasn't even sure if he was alive anymore.
His neck was stiff, and he was stuck staring at his knees, and the numbness in the rest of his bones made him wonder if he could even move if he tried, but he didn't particularly want to. Hell, maybe if he just lay down and died Berwald would at least show up at his funeral- that counted as finding him, right?
God he was thinking such morbid thoughts. Usually he didn't think of death as a solution, only finding relief, but maybe this was what it was like for people with no relief at all… wasn't that him right then?
He laughed, hollowly and to no one but himself, and didn't even recognize his own voice anymore. Maybe that was why when another sound cut the air; it took him a moment to recognize what it was.
"Hej." It rang out, hanging in the air tentatively like a footstep on a frozen lake when there was no other way to test how solid the ice was. It was smooth, deep, familiar, so very familiar, familiar like the bed he had spent the past months in, and familiar in the way it hit his ears like it used to when it was quieter, yet so much clearer and right in his ear. He forced himself to look up from his knees, and intense, perfect, familiar, so very familiar aquamarine eyes caught his own, and he choked back a sob as he realized that this wasn't all some fucked up dream-
"Berwald." He barely whispered, quickly forcing himself to stand. He shook as he did, weak from the strain, and he could see concern flash through the man's eyes.
"Tino…" Berwald breathed, not even able to start to imagine what bought his lover to his current state, standing gaunt with those dark splotches of bruising on his face and the hollowness of his eyes-
"Berwald." Tino sobbed this time, before the other could continue. "Berwald, oh god, Berwald are you really here?" He asked, almost dumbly. A tear trailed down his cheek as his eyes flooded, and he reached out with a broken smile to touch the man's cheek just to make sure that their reunion wasn't some sick joke. When he finally felt his long-absent lover again he ran his fingers over the man's face, his sobs intensifying.
"Berwald!" He almost screamed, cupping his lover's face firmly in his hands as though if he didn't hold on tight enough he would slip away again.
"Tino." Berwald's voice soothed, softening as he was touched. "Tino, ah'm here. S'okay na'… Wha' happened to yoo?" He asked, gently, because the way his lover's voice was breaking almost broke him, too, and made him think that maybe this was even more serious than he had first thought. He reached his own hand out to find the small of his lover's back and pull him closer, and Tino gratefully pressed against him.
"I am so sorry Berwald." Tino whispered, "Baby, oh god I am so fucking sorry- oh god are you really here?" He sobbed again, tracing his skin with his hands yet again to take the feeling of his being here in.
"Ah'm." he promised again, catching one of the Finn's hands as his fingers traced his lips and pressing a kiss against the digits. "Ah'm. Tino, wha' happened?"
"I- I was looking for you." Tino smiled, tears still falling. "I was looking for you because you were gone- oh god Berwald!" He sobbed, at that point throwing his arms around the man and burying his face against his chest.
Realizing he wasn't going to get a good answer right then Berwald stopped trying to ask questions and wrapped his arms tightly around the Finn, holding him even more firmly, and pressed a kiss onto the top of his head.
"Ah'm here now, Tino." He soothed. Tino nodded against his chest, the sobs still coming on strong.
"Tino," He started again, taking the Finnish teen's tear stained face in his hands and tilting it up so that he could see it. "Tino, ah'm na' goin' anywhere 'ver again. It's okej now."
"Never?" Tino asked, voice pitching, hopeful.
"Never." Berwald assured, tenderly.
Tino nodded quickly, shakily, yes I want that, and he reached his own trembling hands out again to pull Berwald's mouth against his own and taste him, mouth open as he whimpered into the kiss. Berwald moved his hands to Tino's waist and held him, returning the kiss, trying to soothe him even though he was just as needy for the contact. Tino only broke the kiss to breathe, because breathing was good because it kept Berwald there and he was not about to make another stupid mistake-
"Berwald." He whispered. "Berwald I need you. I want…"
Berwald hushed him gently, hugging him close. "Ah need yoo too. Why dun we go back to our room?" he coaxed.
Tino took a minute to process the words and then nodded, slowly, reluctant to untangle himself from Berwald. The Swede sensed as much and pressed a kiss against his lover's forehead to assure him that it was okay, he wasn't going to run off, they were just going to re-locate again just like the first time that they made love. Sighing quietly and leaning into his lips, the Finnish teen found his lover's hand and held it tightly in his own before stepping back and squeezing tighter, smiling shakily and starting to pull the man towards their room again.
For the first time in days Tino found that he was able to breathe again, even if only for short bursts in between sloppy kisses.
He straddled his Swedish lover, kissing him needily and moaning and gently swaying his hips, the other's hands resting on his ass as he did. Occasionally the man gave a soft squeeze or caressed him, and Tino whimpered and deepened the kisses as he tried to encourage him. His tongue traced the other's mouth, and he sighed happily at the taste.
Berwald hummed appreciatively in response to his lover's movements. It was the most comfortable he had been in days, propped up against a few pillows that Tino set up for him before he began his half-lap dance. The heat from the other's lips kept him warm, and he continued to grope at the Finn's ass through his jeans. He still worried for his lover, his sweet, beautiful lover, but he couldn't deny himself that he was definitely enjoying the treatment. This time when they broke for air Tino spoke against his lips.
"I love you." He breathed, shakily. "I love you."
"Ah love yoo too." Berwald breathed back, gripping the other.
"I need you, Berwald." He whispered. "Berwald, please-"
His voice cracked and he couldn't finish, and Berwald gave him a gentle kiss before he spoke again.
"Ah need yoo too, Tino. Please wha'?" He encouraged, gently.
"Let me make things good for you." Tino whispered, shakily, kissing the other's jawbone. Berwald groaned softly at the soft lips on his skin and pulled the other closer.
"Yoo are." He assured, quietly.
"I'm not enough." The other whispered again, hoarse.
"Wha'?"
"I'm not good enough for you." He clarified.
Berwald kissed him again.
"Ah think yer perfec'."
"You deserve better." His voice cracked.
"Ah only wan' yoo." Berwald soothed, rubbing the small of Tino's back soothingly.
Tino stared intently at him and sat back a little, letting himself sit more upright in his lover's lap now, reaching out to rest his fingertips on the other's cheek.
"Do you mean that?" The Finn asked, quietly.
"Yes." Berwald promised.
Continuing to gaze at his lover, Tino shifted from his position of sitting on Berwald's lap and moved between his legs, unbuttoning the fly of his pants to get to the bulge forming underneath the fabric. Berwald's breath hitched, and Tino caught his gaze.
"If you say things like that…" He started, fingers at the waistband of the underwear, "I might start to believe you. So tell me again, do you need me?"
"Yes." Berwald promised again, moving a hand to stoke his lover's hair.
"Will you?"
"Yes. Always." He assured, gently. Tino's eyes were still wild, broken, but he seemed to calm slightly as he pulled the other's length from its confines. He gripped the base in one hand, using the other to hold the tip closer to his lips.
"Me?"
"Only yoo."
At that the Finn smiled a weak smile and leaned down, giving the head of the cock a wet kiss. Berwald's breath caught in his throat and he pushed his hips closer, wanting, and seeing his lover like that made the Finn smile and kiss the slit again before licking it and moaning at the taste. Berwald couldn't stifle a sharp moan, and Tino pulled back from the length and smiled lovingly up at him again, stroking the leaking cock with his thumb.
"You are so good, Berwald." He praised. "I am never going to let you go, my darling."
"G- good." Berwald managed to gasp out, breathing laboured as Tino's breath hit his tip. He could see his lover lean forward, closer to his aching arousal as his eyelashes fluttered and his lips parted in a strange, broken smile. The Finn looked up at him from under his bangs, still smiling dazedly.
"You will never get rid of me." Tino cooed slowly, softly but firmly, carefully pronouncing every syllable and nuzzling the underside of the length with his cheek.
It was a promise, a declaration, and it rang in Berwald's ears from the sheer intensity in his lover's voice. It was haunting, enticing, and final all at the same time and all Berwald could do was nod to his lover, compliant.
"J-ja." He agreed, and honestly that was the most coherent answer that he could muster at that moment.
But it was a good enough answer for Tino, and Tino rewarded him by finally taking the head of the Swede's aching erection fully into his mouth, humming sweetly onto it. Berwald cried out, bucking his hips and shoving more of the length into the Finnish teen's mouth, and the Finn moaned softly and opened a little wider to take it.
There was a good chance that he was losing his mind, Berwald was sure, as he felt his aching arousal sliding deeper into the hot, wet mouth before him. He thrust his hips in yet further, wanting more of the sensation, and the Finn hummed and stroked the cock with his tongue in response. Berwald gasped when the other began to suck, further intensifying the sensation.
Nothing else existed for Tino right then. All he could think about was Berwald, sucking his dick, making him happy- he seemed to be succeeding, judging by the other's low gasps and moans. Yes, he was doing good, right? He wouldn't fuck up again. It would be just the way Berwald wanted it, and then he would stay and not go anywhere and love him-
He could feel tears welling up and he started to suck harder, closing his eyes and bobbing his head while whimpering softly onto the cock. The Swede seemed to notice this and moved a hand to stroke his hair.
"Tino?" He questioned, gently.
Slowly, reluctantly, the Finnish male removed his lips from the arousal, breathing softly and tilting his head up towards Berwald.
"Tell me you love me, baby." Tino cooed, gazing up at his lover pathetically as he gripped the base.
"Ah do love yoo." Berwald promised, and Tino gave a small suck to the tip as praise before moving his mouth again to speak.
"Don't leave me." He begged, softly, licking at the base to try and tempt the other.
"Ah- huh- ah, ah won't, Tino," Berwald panted, before taking the other's face in his hands and gently pulling him away from the length, catching his gaze. He could tell his lover needed reassurance, and that took priority over his aching member.
"Tino, ah promise. Ah won't 'ver leave ya' again." He soothed, stroking the Finn's cheek.
He held him there a moment, trying to communicate honesty, care, tenderness, all of the things he always struggled to put into words with his eyes, and Tino just smiled weakly up at him. Berwald's gaze softened more and he continued to stroke the Finn's cheek with his thumb, trying to reassure him.
"Ah'm na' puttin' either a us through tha' again. We b'long with eachother, an ah'm goin' ta' make sure we always are." Berwald promised, still holding his lover's face in his hand.
The promise was reward enough for Tino, and it was all that the Finn needed to dip his head down and open his lips again, taking the length back in his mouth and moaning softly onto it as he massaged it with his tongue. Berwald groaned, wrapping his fingers into his lover's hair and pressing his hips forward.
"Tino." He moaned, stroking the soft blonde locks and panting softly.
Tino seemed happy at that and hummed softly in response, picking up the pace and starting to take more in his mouth.
"Ah love yoo." He gasped again, trying his best to at least be a half-decent boyfriend even though he was letting the other suck him off when he should have been holding him and continuing to reassure him- but he wanted this, too, and realistically he was sure it would have happened one way or another. He settled for trying to be reassuring through his heavy gasps and moans.
The Finnish teen sighed happily at the statement and hummed in reciprocation, starting to take the cock into his throat. He gagged slightly, and at one time he would have let himself start to struggle to breathe, but not anymore. Now he took a deep breath in and accommodated the shaft to the best of his ability, making sure to let Berwald hear his breaths. He was breathing, see? He was good, right? Breathing is good, it keeps Berwald with him and not scared-
A heavy moan escaped Berwald's lips and he groaned as the other worked on him. Tino was too good at this, sucking and swallowing his aching need, and it made him want to let the pretty Finn know as much. He leaned forward, gazing down tenderly at his love as he listened to him take his breaths.
"Yer doin' wonderful." He soothed, stroking Tino's cheek tenderly with his thumb. The Finnish teen mumbled something onto the member, and Berwald couldn't quite make it out.
"What didja say?" He asked, gently. The other pulled off of the cock again, looking up at him shyly.
"Call me your wife again. I- I am your wife, aren't I?" He asked quietly. He had swallowed his pride the nights he spent bargaining with himself to try and get Berwald back, and he said it with no regrets. This was for Berwald, after all. If Berwald wanted it then he wanted it, too.
Berwald could feel his member throb harder, and he groaned lowly before he could compose himself enough to form words. "Ah gud yes-"
"Then say it." Tino murmured, voice still soft. "Call me your wife. Want me…" He choked, voice pitching.
Berwald's heart twisted and panged in the strangest of ways, a muddled mess of both pleasure and guilt, and he pulled Tino into his lap instead so that he could kiss him. He held him close and licked at the other's lips for entrance, humming when the other allowed it to him. When they broke for air he caught the Finn's eyes, gently resting a hand on his cheek again.
"I do want yoo, wife." He promised. It felt good to finally be able to call Tino that, and it felt good to promise him and be able to dote on him. He hoped that it felt as good for Tino, too.
"Thank you." Tino whispered, and Berwald kissed him again in response, briefly, before responding.
"Ah do. Yoo are so good t'me." The Swedish teen praised.
"I'll be better." Tino promised, and Berwald kissed his cheek gently.
"Yer perfect jus' th'way yoo are."
Tino shook his head but wrapped his arms tightly around Berwald, clinging, and the Swede welcomed the contact. He continued to hold Tino, kissing his temple softly, and the Finn's hand found its way to fondle his lover's still aching cock as he did. It made Berwald moan again and press another kiss against Tino's forehead before moving his lips against his ear.
"I wanna touch y'too, wife." He whispered.
Tino gazed up at him and nodded, and that was all of the permission Berwald needed to guide the other to lay back against the mattress and shift so that he was on top of his smaller lover. Tino gazed up at him, dazed and wanting, and Berwald leaned down to kiss him full on the lips before letting his mouth explore the rest of his lover's skin. He let his eyes close while he licked and sucked at the crook of the Finn's neck, enjoying the taste. As he did he slid his hands under Tino's shirt and rubbed at his waist, and he was pleased when the Finn pressed against him. It was soothing to be latched onto him, tasting him, snuggling against him, and when the other began to moan softly and stroke his hair he sighed happily.
"Berwald!" Tino cried out, breathy, and Berwald pressed a sloppy kiss against the fresh love mark that he had just left before looking up at the beautiful boy.
"Ah wanna touch more." Berwald murmured, starting to tug at the edge of the Finn's shirt.
Nodding quickly, Tino sat up and Berwald moved with him, and once again the Finn crawled into the other man's lap and started to strip for him. He smiled shakily as he pulled off his shirt, wiggling his hips a little against Berwald, and earned himself a kiss from his Swedish lover.
"Yer so beautif'l." Berwald breathed when they parted, and Tino smiled weakly again and unzipped his pants, pulling down his underwear down with them and starting to wriggle them down his thighs.
"As long as you like it." He murmured in reply, and before he could even think of anything else Berwald groped at his now-exposed ass and crushed their lips together again. When the kiss broke Berwald simply planted more kisses down the Finn's chest, earning a chorus of soft gasps and moans.
"Ah love you." Berwald emphasized, stopping at a nipple and licking the soft nub. It made Tino gasp and cry out, clinging as the other sucked at it roughly and continued to squeeze at his backside. Oh. Berwald was paying attention to him, touching him, loving him. Tino so wanted it, and he continued to cling while he tried to form a coherent string of words.
"I love you so much!" Tino about sobbed as the other continued to tease at the pink bud, and Berwald responded by pressing a soft kiss onto the skin before moving to give the other one the same treatment. His wife was just so cute, moaning like that. He continued to suckle at the nipple, humming slightly as he did, before moving to speak.
"M'wife." He praised, and Tino nodded eagerly before reaching out and placing his hands at the edge of Berwald's shirt.
"You love me." Tino crooned, practically pleading for assurance.
"Ah do." Berwald agreed gently.
Smiling the Finn leaned in and kissed the other sloppily before he continued his train of thought.
"Can I undress you?" Tino asked, shakily, voice pitching, and Berwald was surprised he had asked at all. There were tears in his lover's eyes and the Swedish teen kissed his jaw to try and calm him.
"Of course y'can. Yer always welcome to, wife." He soothed.
Pleased, Tino quickly tugged off Berwald's shirt and then tossed it aside, kissing him needily again and ghosting his fingers over the other's still hardened shaft. Gladly Berwald shifted against him, allowing the other to help him shimmy out of his pants before moaning into the kiss and putting a hand on the Finn's hip to pull him closer. His efforts were rewarded with a warm, gentle stroke to his cock and he gasped, reluctantly breaking the kiss to breathe.
Their eyes caught, and Berwald found himself staring into a sea of violet. Tino stared back up at him, needy, and Berwald pulled him closer while pressing a kiss to his forehead. He couldn't live without him. Those last three days he was dead, and now with this beautiful boy he finally felt alive again. Judging by Tino's reaction, he was sure that the Finn felt the same.
His train of thought was interrupted again by another stroke to his cock, and he groaned and rolled his hips against the hand. Fuck he needed more of him. He moved back slightly and cupped Tino's cheek, making him look at him before speaking.
"Ah wanna be inside a'yoo." He said gently, carefully, keeping the other's gaze.
The words rang in Tino's ears like those last few moments before he had lost his love last and he nodded quickly, dizzy, and pressed another sloppy kiss to Berwald's lips.
"You can, you're always allowed oh I'm your wife you're supposed to be inside Berwald please-" He choked. There were tears in his eyes as he spoke, and Berwald kissed his neck again to soothe him.
"S'okay." Berwald soothed, murmuring against his Finnish lover's skin. "S'okay. 'Ve got yoo. 'M here."
The words didn't seem to register in Tino's mind. He simply clung tighter to Berwald, a tear trickling down his cheek as he tried to speak.
"I promise it'll be good this time." He whimpered. "I-I'll be good and you'll cum in me and it'll be so good this time I'll fix it-"
The Swede could feel his heart breaking listening to his love talk like that and he silenced him with a kiss. He only pulled away again to reply.
"Yer always good." He promised the Finn. "Ah was stupid last time, it's okay-"
"No, I fucked up!" Tino about screamed. "Berwald you're perfect and wonderful and I d-don't deserve you but I'll make this good so that you at least don't have to lie about liking it anymore, okay, okay!"
Berwald's heart sunk in his chest upon realizing that Tino didn't believe that he wanted him at all. He pulled Tino more tightly to him, realizing just how shattered he was and hating himself for letting him be broken. The other sobbed against him and his throat knotted as he wished he could reach him enough to soothe him.
"Tino ah love yoo" He murmured, stoking the Finn's hair soothingly, trying to see of he could at least get that much through to him.
"I- I love you too Berwald." He choked out, heart clenching when he realized he stuttered oh fuck what if Berwald didn't believe him and left again oh god not again he couldn't take it- he bit the inside of his cheek as some sort of repentance before he spoke again, a coppery taste filling his mouth as he tried to form his words more clearly. "I love you so much Berwald I-I'm sorry I stuttered I mean it, I mean it I love you-"
The Finn cut off and sobbed until his breaths became quick and frenzied and shallow and dizzy, and Berwald hushed him gently as he continued to stroke his hair. He stayed silent until the Finn stopped hyperventilating and his breaths came just a little easier.
"Ah b'lieve yoo." Berwald finally replied, gently. "Ah do."
"I need you." Tino whispered shakily. "Berwald I need you. I can't function without you- I can't live."
"I need yoo too, Tino. Ah can't go on w'thout yoo either, yoo know." The Swede admitted. There was no shame. This was Tino, his love, his oxygen, his life- that was probably the truest statement he had ever spoke.
Tino's sobs slowed just slightly as he gazed at his love, and he took Berwald's cheek in his palm shakily.
"Yeah?" The Finn begged, tentatively hopeful.
"Ja." Berwald assured. It was a one-word answer and it was the world in that moment. The Swede connected their lips again and Tino held on tightly, humming into it. When the kiss finally broke Tino still held onto Berwald but laid back just a little more, shifting his legs open to give Berwald access to him.
"I love you." He whispered again, now willingly vulnerable to his lover. Berwald was vulnerable to him too though, right? He needed him. He needed this. They both did so it was okay now. Yes it was.
Berwald stared down at his pretty lover, drinking him in. What else but love could leave him so mesmerized and needy for his eyes, his flushed cheeks, his hair like a halo across the pillow case and godhe couldn't help looking between his legs at his ever-inviting entrance-
"Ah love yoo too." Berwald promised just as quietly, reaching out to caress a pale, pretty thigh and letting his other hand rub a perfectly soft waist. Tino took a breath and laid back to further invite Berwald to touch him, moaning a little when the man's hand ghosted higher on his thigh-
"Come here and have your wife, Ber." Tino coaxed quietly, needy, and Berwald leaned in to kiss his forehead gently before pressing a finger against the other's lips.
"F'course." He assured gently, rubbing the finger between Tino's lips. Tino opened gratefully, taking the digit into his mouth and humming quietly as he sucked diligently. Berwald stroked his hair with his free hand as he worked, and Tino hummed more in appreciation. It made Berwald press a kiss against his temple as he slipped both other fingers into the other's willing mouth. It was a little much he knew, but it was a patient as he could be with his own aching arousal crying for attention, specifically Tino's attention.
Tino sighed contentedly as he was kissed and he took the digits and wet them carefully, making sure that they were adequately lubed. Berwald would worry if they weren't, and he couldn't risk worrying Berwald and pushing him away. He needed him here, right here, with him where he could be safe and happy with him. Tino would be good, and so Berwald would stay right here. He relaxed slightly at the thought, humming again as he continued to suck at the fingers.
Even just feeling Tino's mouth on his hand was making Berwald groan softly, and he rested his forehead against the other's head and breathed in the scent of his shampoo. He picked out that scent for him, he remembered idly. It was nice.
"Good?" The Swede asked against his hair, not wanting to rush the other but aching to have more of him.
"Mmhm." Tino agreed, and Berwald slid the fingers out from the Finn's lips and moved his hand to the other's entrance. Tino exhaled and shifted his legs open a little wider again as an invitation. Berwald didn't need to be told twice and he slipped the first finger inside, groaning as the tight heat took him in.
"Nn! Yeah…" The Finn moaned, shifting against his lover's hand. "More."
"More?" Berwald questioned gently, kissing against soft, blonde locks.
"Please." Tino gasped softly, eyes half lidded.
Gladly Berwald eased another finger in and Tino welcomed it in easily, moaning incoherently as he squirmed against the digits. Berwald hummed and scissored them and Tino rocked his hips against them, panting slightly. He moaned melodically when the other hit a certain spot, and the Swede hummed and pressed open-mouthed kisses against his love's throat as he pushed the last digit inside and earned a cry from his lover.
"Berwald, please!" He cried, and that was all the invitation that Berwald needed to pull his fingers out and position his shaft at his lover's hole.
"Ready, wife?" He asked, gently.
Tino gazed up at him and nodded quickly, wrapping his arms around his lover.
"Yes dear." He cooed needily, and that was all of the encouragement that Berwald needed to hold the Finn's hips in place as he thrust inside of the tight heat, gasping as he was finally taken in again. Tino threw his head back and cried out at the welcome intrusion, clinging to Berwald for dear life as he was stretched open so wide. God the man was perfect. He was perfect and loving him and fuck Tino didn't deserve any of this but hell he'd do his best to try to.
"Yer so good." Berwald groaned in his ear, and Tino moaned at the praise and shifted his hips against his lover's.
"I'm your wife. I- oh, I have to be good for my husband." He gasped.
He could feel the low moan in Berwald's throat and when the man thrust harder into him he knew that he'd succeeded. Berwald liked that. He'd be sure to keep that up.
"You like that, sweetheart?" He moaned as he was pushed into, and Berwald groaned lowly and sped up some.
"You do- oh, god- you just love making me more your wife." He cooed.
"Gud yes." Berwald groaned. He continued to buck into the Finn and Tino welcomed him gratefully, moaning as the thrusts became more intense. This was exactly what he needed, letting himself be used to please the other. He didn't care if it was his mouth, or his nipples, or his ass or his voice crooning yes darling, I'm your wife- anything that Berwald wanted, as long as he wanted him.
"Oh, oh- what do you think about when you- aah- when you do this to me, baby?" The Finnish teen asked between moans. This time this was going to be good for Berwald. This time, and the next time, and the next- he'd make sure of it.
"Hn- think 'bout how good m'wife is." Berwald moaned, panting as he tried to find the breath to form his words. "Think 'bout- uhn- 'bout…"
"Oh- Te-ell me, honey." Tino gasped as the other continued to pound into him. "Tell your wife."
"Huh-aaaah- think 'bout dressin' yoo up. Think bout havin' ya' in the kitchen, the bath, the bed in our home-" Berwald moaned, thrusting harder at his own fantasy.
Our home. Even in bed Berwald was thinking about them, their together, their future, and if all Tino needed to do to secure his having this perfect man and their home was cross-dress he'd be more than happy to. Berwald gave another particularly hard thrust, probably still aroused from the imagery he'd shared, and Tino wailed for him.
"Ah! Oh, yes, yes, oh love me, love me, love me, love me!" He screamed, drooling and crying as he was thrust into. It wasn't meant in the context of fucking, no, he meant love me, he wanted all of the love that the other could give and he would do whatever it took, dirty talk and dressing, to get it. His tight walls clamped down around the other's throbbing cock, and tears welled up in his violet eyes as he started getting closer and closer to coming because he just didn't want this to end, not when they were so close together again-
Berwald crushed their lips together, thrusting harder, and when they moved for air he leaned his lips against his lover's ear.
"Ah do love yoo." He whispered, holding him tightly. This was a matter of proving himself, not running, restoring that security that they'd had torn away from them. He would say it again, and again, and again, even if his lover only barely heard him so that he would at least hear him say it even if he didn't process it completely.
"Ah love yoo. Ah love yoo. Ah love yoo." He murmured as he got closer and closer, holding his little lover tightly so that when he came they'd be as close as possible.
The Swedish man's words were a lullaby for him, soothing, and he found himself feeling safe enough now to just let go, letting himself see those stars that he saw while he got that familiar light-headedness that came with their love. Berwald was far more worth it than choking ever could be.
Watching his wife climax was enough to push Berwald over the edge and he thrust wildly just a few more times before he came too, filling his Finnish lover to brim with his seed as he collapsed against him. He wasn't sure how long it took him to get his senses back after that, all he knew was that it was however many times that he had heard Tino's heart beat in his chest and however many kisses he had pressed against his skin.
When Tino was finally coherent again he could feel Berwald's lips on his skin and he tangled his finger's in the man's short, choppy blonde hair, stroking his head gently. He was still here. He was still here. The Finn felt dizzy and he wrapped his arms around Berwald to try and regain his balance, head rolling back on the pillow. Why was everything so tired…
Berwald finally looked up from his kissed to catch a glimpse of Tino's face, and he could clearly see that the Finnish male was struggling to keep his eyes open. Poor thing. He hadn't been sleeping at all, had he? He never slept when he was upset. Carefully he shifted so that he could lay his head next to the Finn's, wrapping his smaller lover in his arms.
"Tired?" he asked, quietly, trying not to startle him.
Tino seemed to move his lips a moment but then settled for just nodding, clinging to Berwald.
"Don't leave me." He pleaded, holding on as tightly as his sleep weakened arms would let him hold.
"Never will." Berwald assured, kissing his forehead and running a hand through his hair.
Tino nodded and murmured something that sounded like a thank you, and Berwald just hummed and kissed his temple in response, rubbing soothing circles against his back. As much as Tino seemed to be fighting to stay awake his consciousness was slipping away, and Berwald pulled him closer as though to encourage him.
"Ah'll be righ' here when ya' wake up." He assured softly.
"Yeah?" Tino yawned, still latched onto him.
"Ja." Berwald murmured.
Tino nodded this time and let himself relax into Berwald's hold, and Berwald sighed contentedly as they both drifted into sleep, real sleep, for the first time in days.
Author's Note: So I made this dreadful mistake of getting a life, and I took a trip 'round the world. I realized one day sitting on the stairs that I missed this place that I go to when I write, and to be quite frank as bad as I am with updating and grammar and just everything I don't think that I can ever leave it behind because it makes me so fucking happy for some reason. And so here is the insanely late update for my baby, Choke.
Thank you everyone for your reviews, support, and continued encouragement even when I was being a butt. I appreciate every single one of you even if I couldn't bring my hands to type it out that day, and I hope that you all can continue to enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it. I always make resolutions to be better and I tend to fail, but here I am making another one to be at least a little better than I have been. It seems writing is the only one that hasn't disappointed me yet, and so I really should treat it better.
Reviews are wonderful, beautiful indicators that you guys are still out there, and much appreciated by this ragged author.