REWRITE!! I have compeletly rewritten this chapter. just a heads up to anyone that had read the original.
hello :) looks like i was able to update a little earlier then i thought. yay!!! thank you again to everyone for the wonderful reviews, they are so very appreciated. i am really glad you all like Kerri. it is very hard to add a girl to their lives.
to anyone reading my new story What Becomes of Us, dont worry, i will be updating it again soon, my mind is just wrapped up with this story right now. so hang in there :)
enjoy, as always, let me know what you thing!
SOMETHING LOST
Chapter 17
The darkness wrapped itself around Sam, his tall body enveloped by the sweet comfort of nothingness, worries washed away by the deep silence. When had everything become so hard?
When had his life been turned so completely upside-down? He remembered everything with gut-wrenching clarity, his entire life rolling back over him like waves, drowning him in everything he had forgotten.
And he found, to his surprise, that while there were times he wished he would never see again, times when the horror had been almost too much to bear, there were many more times he wished he had never forgotten.
He had been happy, whole, and complete during those years, had the life he had fought his father for as a teenager, the life he had found again at Stanford, and the knowledge of losing that was almost worse then the terror that had suppressed it in the first place.
And laced through all of it was Kerri. She had been so good to him, meant so much to him, fought for him, lied for him, cared for him. She was his first real friend, besides his brother, the first person he could talk to, vent to, the first person that could understand him.
She filled in a void he didn't even know existed, helped him through a youth that had nearly destroyed him. She was always there, whether in person or on the phone, she was always there, ready to drop everything to help him, to be someone to listen. And the guilt of forgetting her was all consuming.
A low moan filtered through the darkened room, breaking the oppressive silence like shattering glass. Kerri looked up at the almost inaudible sound, he blue eyes peering through the shadows as she studied the brothers, keen gaze searching them over for any signs of distress. The moan sounded again as Sam began to stir, his head shaking back and forth weakly, his sweaty hands clenching the sheets tightly.
Kerri moved softly to the edge of Sam's bed placing a calming hand over his heart as he continued to mumble. She could feel his body trembling, the nightmares taking their toll on his already battered soul.
He had been so worried about his brother, his mind so overloaded that she was amazed he hadn't burst. And, try as she might, she knew that she would never be able to fathom what he was going through.
She had tired to help her sister, tried to bring Evelyn back from the brink, but she found the Demon's hold to be much stronger then she had ever thought possible. It wanted these kids, and it wouldn't let anything stand in its way.
"Dean?" Sam mumbled as he began to thrash, as though trying to fight off an unseen attacker, his breaths coming out in short, uncontrolled gasps.
"Shhh, Sam. It's ok." Kerri spoke quietly, running her slender hand over his forehead, searching for any signs of fever as she comforted him. But he continued to fight, continued to call out for his brother, his panic growing with each passing minute.
It was like that horrible day all over again. The young man before her sinking back into the oblivion that had claimed him, falling back into his horror as though the last twelve years had never happened.
She squeezed the terrified man's hand once more before moving to the other bed, placing a shaking hand on Dean's fevered forehead. "Dean." She called softly, watching as the injured hunter's eyes slowly slid open, the green orbs searching the room.
"What's wrong?" His mind immediatly clicked when he saw her, her blue eyes wide and worried, calm demeanour slowly falling. He sat up as quick as he could, his tired body fighting his every movement. But he didn't care, he needed to get to Sam, needed to help him.
"He started panicking, I couldn't calm him down."
"How long?"
"Just a few minutes." She answered, helping Dean move to the other bed.
"Shhh, Sammy. I'm here." Dean began quietly, placing his hand on his brother's forehead, almost as though he were willing what little strength he had into the terrified young man.
Kerri couldn't help but smile as Sam calmed beneath his brother's touch, his body relaxing, breaths evening out as Dean spoke softly to him, telling him jokes, reminding him that that awful day was far in the past.
She took a step back, moving over to the small table, letting the Winchester boys have their moment, letting the brothers comfort each other. She felt like an outsiders, Sam and Dean being so close, so insync that it seemed at times that they were one person, both boys merely seperate pieces of a whole. They were special, and they needed each other, and Kerri would never be one to stand in the way of that.
"I think he's sleeping again." Dean shuffled over to the table, falling slowly into the seat opposite Kerri.
"You can go back to sleep, you know."
"Nah, I think I'll stay up. Just in case."
"All right. How're you feeling?"
"Oh, I've been better. But, at the moment, I'll live. It's Sam I'm worried about. The last time he was like this it was weeks before he was better."
"I don't really think he was better. I think his mind just supressed it. I mean, your dad took you away from here so fast."
"Yeah. But i still should've known."
"How?"
"I don't know, but I should have."
"You're not superman, Dean."
"Sam thought I was. Remember?"
"Yeah, he brought you to show and tell and everything. His poor teacher, she just couldn't convince him otherwise."
Dean smiled briefly, the memory racing in front of his eyes before dying away, falling back into the recesses of his mind. "He doesn't anymore."
"I'm sure a part of him still does."
"No. I've screwed up too many times."
"Dean."
"I've let him down, Kerri."
"You've never let anyone down."
"It's hard, you know. Living up to it all."
"You don't have to live up to anything. You mean the world to Sam, anyone can see that."
"He tried to shoot me."
"Come again?"
"On a hunt. This ghost, it was possessing people, getting them to vent their anger. He hates me."
"Dean, that's impossible."
"You didn't hear him. You didn't watch him pull the trigger."
"You said it yourself, he was being possessed."
"It wasn't just then."
"He's your brother, Dean. Which, by the way, is no easy task. I'm sure he didn't mean it, tempers can flare."
"So you're telling me you fought with Evelyn all the time?"
"No, I'm telling you that I didn't speak with Evelyn, for years."
"What?"
"After you left, I don't know. Things changed. She moved away when she was eighteen, I didn't see her again till she was twenty one. At that point, I would have given anything just to hear her again."
"How did it all go so wrong?"
"I don't know."
The silence fell thick around them, wrapping the two in its deafening blanket, sealing them both in their minds. Everything had gone so terribly wrong, and it had all started with that fateful day, that botched hunt.
John had taken him and his brother and run, never looking back, never calling, never letting the Harrisons know how Sam was. And then, on top of everthing, he started hunting again.
Dean knew that it was his way of dealing with his emotions, his way of making his life matter, but it still angered him, still hurt him. He had been left alone with Sam, his brother nearly comatose for two months while John was who knows where doing who knows what.
It had been him, Dean, that was there through every panic attack, he who went without food so he could let the money last, so he could pay for the room that had become his little brother's sanctuary. He had done it all, brought Sammy back from a darkness he had never fully understood, never fully accepted. And it was he who had sent him back there.
He didn't know how long he sat there, mind racing, heart clenching, soul dying. He needed to keep Sam safe, needed to keep the darkness at bay, but how in the world could he protect the boy from his own memory?
It was like trying to swim with your hands tied, his strong body completely unable to keep himself afloat, completely unable to help his traumatized little brother. And he didn't know how much longer he could handle it.
Just as his mind told him he had had enough, just as he decided that the only thing he could do was fall to his knees and scream, his little brother began to stir, his eyes drifting open as he fought away the suffocating darkness.
"Dean?" Sam breathed again, his eyes fluttering but still refusing to open. Every time he tried to wake all he could feel was the dirt all around him, the cold darkness of the earth above and beneath him, and the look in his brother's eyes as he vanished.
And suddenly his entire world was thrown back into that darkness, the air around him thickening, his lungs tightening as he fought for precious oxygen.
"Hey, hey, Sam, you're ok. Nothing here's gonna hurt you, you're ok, just take deep breaths." Dean was immediatly at his brother's side, watching in horror as his eyes slid closed once more, holding Sam's tall frame as the panic attack sent tremors careening through his body.
Dean continued to speak softly to his little brother, his left hand resting on his shoulder, right hand brushing back his long bangs. He told the younger man where they were, told him they were safe, told him that he was there to protect him, that he wasn't about to let anything hurt him. And slowly but surely, Sam fell into that comfort.
The younger Winchester could feel his body relaxing as every once of his consciousness latched on to the soothing voice, his brother's calloused hand stroking his hair, calming him, calling to him. And he followed him, let him pull him from the darkness, bring him back from the edge.
He stirred for a few more minutes, fighting away his invisible attacker before he let Dean's soothing voice lull him back into the blissful darkness, easing the terror that was still holding his soul.
"He's out again, Dean."
"Yeah."
"Why don't you rest."
"Yeah, ok."
"He'll be fine, don't worry."
"I have to worry, it's Sammy." Dean moved quietly to his bed once more, his eyes staying open for mere seconds once his over worked body hit the soft mattress.
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"Dean?" Sam struggled in his sleep, his tired body fighting as the world around him began to pull him back, the darkness that had clouded his mind falling away, being replaced by the dreary motel room.
"Shhh, Sam. It's ok."
"Kerri?"
"Yeah, I'm here."
"Where am I?"
"You're in a motel in Meeteetse."
"Where's Dean?"
"He's right here." She continued in her soft and soothing voice, moving to the side slightly so he could see his brother's still sleeping form.
Sam's eyes grew wide as he took in the site before him. Even in the darkness of the room he could still see the burns and cuts that littered his brother's body, Dean's skin frighteningly pale in the dim light.
"Oh, no." Sam's voice was weak, his eyes shinning as he studied his brother. "How long?"
"Six hours."
"What happened?"
"He was attacked again on his way here. You gave us both a pretty good scare."
"I couldn't stop it, it was like everything was happening all over again. I couldn't stop it, I couldn't help him."
"Don't beat yourself up over this."
"I should've been able to hold myself together, Dean would have."
"What happened to you back then was awful, Sam."
"But it happened back then, not now. Now I should be sharp, now I should be burning the bones in that mine, looking out for Dean, not wallowing in my memories."
"We'll get there, Sam."
"In time?"
"Yes."
"Why don't you just go?"
"Because I can't do it on my own. Sam, I know you think I had a hand in saving your brother, and believe me, I wish I did. But the truth of the matter is that I'm not a hunter, not like you two. I mean, give me small stuff and I'm fine, but this, I need your help, Sam."
"What about Dean?"
"Truthfully, I'm afraid that if Dean goes anywhere near that thing--."
"That it'll kill him."
"I don't really know what's going on. The salt seems to help so it must not be physically attached to him, but it still as him somehow. This last attack, it was worse then the others, I just don't know."
"I shouldn't have pushed him, I shouldn't have asked."
"You needed to know. You couldn't let it hide away inside you forever."
"Yeah? Look what happened! This is my fault, it's all my fault."
"Don't do that, Sam."
"Don't do what? If I'd researched better none of this would have happened."
"Yeah, and if Michael and Annabel weren't here you're brother would be gone now. What happened, happened."
"I wish I could fix it."
"We'll get him back to normal."
"Not just that. I wish I could fix everything."
"What do you mean?"
"You know the thing that sticks out most, the worst part of it all wasn't being attacked."
"What was it?"
"Seeing the look in Dean's eyes when I woke up. He was crying, Kerri."
"I remember."
"I've never seen him so scared in all my life, I've never seen him so broken. I mean, after I woke up, he held me so tight that I never thought he would let go. I wish I could fix that. I wish he didn't have to grow up so fast, be so scared all the time."
"You have a good heart, Sam. But your brother chose to be what he is, chose to be responsible for you."
"I wish I could fix you too. I can remember you now, everything about you. I would have done anything in my power to save Evelyn, to save you both. You know that, right?"
"Yeah, I know."
He could see her eyes cloud over, her small smile faltering at the mention of her sister's name. The truth of the matter was that she had not dealt with it, had not come to grips with the fact that her family was gone.
Sure, she acted like she was ok, pushed the pain aside as she moved through life, performed the motions of her half empty existence, but she was still so very lost, so very alone, and so very afraid. She acted brave because it saved her having to answer questions, saved her from having to think about them, from her having to remind herself that they were gone.
But having Sam and Dean back changed all that. They knew her sister, their lives tied to her's in ways few other people's were. Every time she thought of the brothers Evelyn and her father were there, and that hurt more then words could describe. She had wanted them for so long, hoped with all her heart that they would return someday, that she would see her beloved friends again.
But now that they were here the pain was taking over, threatening to drown her in a sea she had only just crawled out of. They made her think of Evelyn, made her think of the girl that was no longer by her side, no longer there to grow up with her, laugh with her, cry with her. They made her remember everything that she had lost, and that was a pain she wasn't sure she could bear.
"Go to sleep, Sam."
She watched as Sam's eyes drifted closed once more, knowing that she should have woken Dean, knowing that she had promised him. But he was so hurt, so in need of rest, his body and soul battered far more then they should have been.
She knew what she should have done, but as she watched both boys sleep she knew she couldn't do it. They needed rest just as much as they needed each other, and if they were going to beat this thing, then they all had to be sharp.
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It was another three hours before either brother stirred, Kerri nodding off periodically as she sat on a kitchen chair between the boys, feet propped on the edge of Dean's bed.
The air in the musty motel room was think with their worry and pain, the events of not only the last few days, but of the last few years wrapping around them like a blanket, blocking out all light.
They were all broken and shattered, mere pieces of the children they had once been. They had all had such dreams, such expectations of life, such wonderful visions of the future. They had all wanted to be so much, wanted to fight, promised to be with each other forever.
But those were the promises of small children, the kinds of promises that are often lost in a sea of change, buried beneath the responsibility of growing up, the necessity of moving on.
"This sucks." Dean mumbled as he drifted back into consciousness, his sore and battered body protesting every move. He wanted nothing more then to fall back into the peaceful oblivion that had consumed him earlier, his mind yearning for sleep as he tried to push his eyes closed again.
"Wishful thinking, Winchester." Kerri's voice broke through the haze that was settling in like a beacon in a dense fog, pulling him back into the room, back into the waking world.
"You're evil."
"Oh yeah? What's up with the telling me you miss me then letting your eyes rolling back in your head, you gave me a heart attack."
"I was leaving you in suspense."
"Oh, thank you!"
"How's, Sammy?"
"He woke up a few hours ago."
"What? Why didn't you tell me?" Dean was hurt, and angry. She had promised.
"It was only for a few minutes. He's fine Dean, and you needed to rest."
"I told you to wake me."
"I'm sorry."
Dean's anger slowly began to fade as looked over his brother, the younger man looking far more relaxed then he had a few hours ago. He knew Kerri did what she did for him, knew that she was looking out for him, but she still should have woken him. He still should have been there for Sam.
"So, he's ok?"
"As ok as he ever was."
"I heard that." Sam's weak voice rose up from the other bed, his body more relaxed, skin more colored then before.
"Well, well, if it isn't freak show." Dean smiled, relief evident in his tired voice. Truth be told he had been terrified by his little brother's earlier behavior, everything in his mind ceasing until he knew that Sammy was safe.
"Very funny."
"What the hell was that before?"
"I don't know, all the memories just came flooding back, I couldn't stop them. It felt like I was buried again."
"Do you think maybe the demon's still here?"
"No, Dean, I don't, I think that maybe I relived a suppressed memory. You know, not everything is supernatural."
"Whatever, Samantha, just don't go doing it again."
"Oh, I don't plan to. How are you feeling?"
"I'm fine."
"Kerri? How is he?"
"I said I'm fine! Might wanna get your hearing checked over there, geek boy." Dean chided, his body still wracked with pain and fever. He wasn't fine, not by a long shot, but there was no way he was going to tell that to Sam and Kerri.
"He's awake again, which is a good sign." Kerri began, ignoring Dean's scowl as she checked over his bandages. "At the moment, he'll live. But I don't think he can handle another attack."
"Hello, I'm right here."
"What are we supposed to do?" Sam began as he pushed himself up against the headboard, his overflowing mind racing as he spoke.
"We can't take him with us."
"The hell you can't."
"Do you think he'll be safe here?"
"Well, the salt seems to keep it away."
"I'm sitting right here on the bed!"
"Do you think you're up for it, just you and me?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"Earth to pains in my asses. Stop talking about me like I'm not here!"
"Dean, what would you say if I told you that Kerri and I were going to the caves to burn these bones without you?"
"I'd say get your head out of your ass!"
"Um uh. You see why you're not being involved in this conversation."
"Jerk."
"Bitch."
"Look." Kerri broke in, "We don't have time for this. I've been studying the maps, and I think I have a pretty good idea of where the bones may be."
"See, Dean, easy as pie."
"Well, maybe not quite pie. It's kind of a big area, about seven tunnels branch off of a center chamber that's right below the school. So really, they could be anywhere in that area."
"See, Sammy."
"That still doesn't mean you're going."
"What are you gonna do? Tie me to the bed?"
Sam's eyebrows quirked up at the idea.
"Don't even thing about it or I'll kick your ass."
"Dean, you can't come with us." Kerri spoke up, her voice tense and tired.
"Why not?"
"Because you're body can't go through much more, and I'm afraid the attacks are gonna get stronger the closer you get."
"Well, we'll just have to take our chances now, won't we."
"Dean!" Sam broke in, slamming his hand on the night table. "Stop being an ass!"
"I'm being an ass? You two are plotting to leave me here, to march into abandoned, not to mention dangerous, mines to hunt a spirit we know nothing about.
"So tell me, Sam, how the hell am I being the ass? Just because I don't want the two people I care about to go running into what's more then likely a trap, suddenly I'm the bastard. Is that how this works? I don't think so! Now either I'm going or no one is!"