Who can get offended at a fat guy giving out free stuff!? -Foamy, No Christmas For You
Disclaimer: I sure as hell don't own Nike or Naruto... not Foamy either, although Squirrely Wrath rules... and the commercials are based off of comedians. See if you can know which ones.
COMMERCIAL ONE
-A woman with a black eye walks on the stage-
"I... smoke crack..." whispered the woman with a black eye. "And my husband... BEATS me..."
-A voice comes on-
"Got milk?"
COMMERCIAL TWO
-A man's face shows, and he points at the viewers-
"Now, every guy out there, watching this commercial... I BET... that more than XXX action... if you had a choice between XXX and this other thing... every guy watching this, would want, to have... A MONKEY! AN EVIL MONKEY!!"
("Yeah... that'd be cool," commented Gaara, sipping his root beer float while Kankurou settled himself on the couch)
"And SO! Since we know that you all would want a monkey, and you KNOW you want a monkey, COME DOWN to KONOHA MONKEY MANIA! We have tons of exotic breeds! It's the next generation of ninja helpers! MONKEYS ARE THE FUTURE!!
"We have branches in Sand and Boulder."
o-O-o
KNTM
o-O-o
"And!! We're BACK! At Konoha's Next Top Model!" screeched Shihan, giving the camera the curved eye smile. "And the contestants' challenge is UNVEILED!!"
Shihan stepped away, and in the background, a curtain fluttered down to the ground and showed the girls dressed in Nike attire standing by a climbing wall, looking rather confused as they were NOT filled in on the details.
"You guessed it! It's a test of both grace and skill! It's... modelling for Nike!
"Each of these girls and climbing up the wall -with the proper equipment provided by Nike, of-course! During their climb, our photographer will snap 4 pictures of them each, and then -well, you know the drill! We pick the best one, compare them, do another challenge, and then we see who gets kicked off on the first week next time!"
o-O-o
Sai, Chouji, Naruto, Lee, and Shino
o-O-o
"Wait... I don't get it," said Naruto, his brow furrowing. "Don't they usually do it the same week? It's an hour long episode, and I bet they can do everything."
"Not while they're on live, man-whore," grumbled Sai. "They need time to do all the digital editing and crap."
"They're on live!?" gasped Naruto.
Chouji, Sai, Lee, and Shino all turned to look at Naruto.
"No shit, Sherlock," they chorused. Yes, even Shino, even though that's a scary thought...
o-O-o
KNTM
o-O-o
"I'm so scared...!!" whispered Touka to Ino. Remember, she's made friends with all the blondes!
"I know what you mean," Ino whispered back. "It's going to be very embarrassing if you slip and fall. I mean, we're on live, you know..."
"No, it's not that," said Touka, biting her lip. "I'm afraid of heights!"
Ino stared.
"Um... well, best of luck to you..." she said, feeling sorry for the poor girl. "Why don't you tell Shihan, then?"
"Are you mad!?" seethed Touka. "If I do that, I'll automatically get booted off since I can't pull of this one! It's worth half the judging this week!"
"Well, try your best," said Ino, placing her hand on Touka's shoulder.
Touka nodded and hung her head in despair as Shoku began her climb.
o-O-o
Gaara & Kankurou
o-O-o
"Oh damn... that Shoku has a nice ass," commented Kankurou as Shoku stopped and smiled at the camera for her first picture.
"Kankurou, don't go all hentai on me," warned Gaara as he finished his root beer float.
"Well, she does," insisted Kankurou, mesmerized, as Shoku climbed up to another spot and had another picture taken.
Gaara rolled his eyes and shoved his cup at Kankurou.
"Go get me a Sprite."
o-O-o
KNTM
o-O-o
Shoku had finished her climb, descended, and Nina had donned the climbing equipment and was scaling the climbing wall, with Shihan commentating all the while.
Unfortunately, she was a bit nervous and forgot to let them take the pictures, so they ended up taking them when she was coming down...
Iku and Aku agreed to go at the same time, and seeing that they were twins, it was allowed. However, they were warned that if one got kicked off, the other would need to go with their twin.
They did splendid acrobatic stunts and had the camera person snapping away at them until they realized there were over 30 pictures and the card had run out of memory. Sadly, the camera person deleted all the pictures until he was left with only four of the best ones.
Teito, not to be out-done, did a one-person show of 'running vertically up the climbing wall and nearly falling flat on her arse after the first picture' and decided to play it safe after that.
Ama, of-course, had to be the diva bitch she was and climbed up the wall with ease, letting the camera person take pretty dang nice pictures of her. She was smirking when she returned to the ground, and flashed Shikamaru a million-watt grin... which would have had lots of effect, good or bad, if only Shikamaru wasn 't dozing off while Sakata, the gay man, tried to strike up a convo with the lazy nin. Angry, Ama directed her smile at Akito instead, and recieved a confused look in return.
Brightened by Ama's failure at being good with the guys, Sakura proceeded to climb the wall... and the camera man's nose began to bleed...
"Sasuke-kun! Are you watching?" cooed Sakura. Sasuke grimaced and sped off to the washroom.
"SAKURA!! STOP BEING SUCH A WHORE!" roared Ino, gripping Tenten's buns (her HAIR, perverts!! Not THOSE buns!!) for dear life.
"Let go of me Ino!" wailed Tenten, as the camera panned over to the dying-because-her-hair-was-being-pulled-out Tenten and dying-of-embarrassment-because-her-friend-was-being-really-sexy Ino.
Sakura stuck her tongue out as the camera went back to her and her Nike short-shorts and very, very tight t-shirt, and continued posing on the wall.
As Sakura continued climbing to find a new spot to show off in front of Sasuke, who had come back from the WC at JUST the wrong time, Tenten turned to Hinata while rubbing her sore head.
"Hey, Hinata... you're next," remarked Tenten. "You ready?"
"N-no..."
Tenten smiled and waved at one of the boys. Confused, he walked over, breaking off from his conversation with Neji... or well, stopped attempting to converse with Neji anyway.
"What is it?" asked Kiba, while Sakura giggled in glee, jumped off the climbing wall, took off the climbing gear, and glomped Sasuke.
Tenten jabbed her thumb at a very distraught-looking, paler-than-usual Hinata.
"Oh... um, good luck Hinata," said Kiba cheerfully.
Hinata turned, a forced smile on her face.
"Er... yeah..."
Then she hurried to the wall and started climbing it, pausing to smile nervously at the camera.
Tenten burst out laughing.
"WHAT!?" growled Kiba, scared that this girl a year older than her was so hysterical.
"Oh, it's so freakin' funny seeing how awkward you two are!" she giggled, thumping Kiba on the back. "Really! It's so obvious you like her, Kiba! Why don't you tell her already!! God knows she needs a confidence boost..."
"W-what are you talking about, Tenten-san!" huffed Kiba, patting Akamaru's head. "You hypocrite! What about Neji?"
Tenten shrugged, her face turning the same colour as her pale pink Nike shirt. Of-course it's a Nike shirt. What did you expect it to be? An AE shirt!? CRAZY!! YOU! CRAZY!!
"What about Neji?"
"You blushed! You blushed!!" whispered Kiba, his pride restored as Hinata came jogging back.
"I-I did alright, I think!" Hinata gasped. "Tenten-chan! It's your turn!"
"Oh, er, right. Wish me luck!"
"Good luck Tenten-chan!" Hinata complied.
As Tenten climbed up the wall, posing, but not really being anything special, Hinata turned to Kiba.
"A-ano... Kiba-kun... what... what did Tenten-chan s-say?"
Kiba just lowered his head, looked stormy and refused to reply. This caused Hinata to blush and lower her head as well. It looked comical, with their two downcast faces on either side and Akamaru looking confused in the middle with a huge '?' on his head. (1)
Anyway, they were still like that when Tenten came back, and she enjoyed laughing at their expense, which just made Hinata blush MORE, and Kiba look even STORMIER, and Akamaru was still just freakin' confuzzled.
So then, it was Ino's turn, she made the camera guy's nose bleed, the hyopocrisy, blah blah, Touka, Kitai and WInly didn't do anything very INTERESTING either...
So all in all, that's all that REALLY happened there. NOTHING.
But ACTUALLY, Touka started bawling when she got 5 foot off the ground, confessed that she had a phobia of heights, and agreed to just grab onto the wall on the ground and have the camera person snap pictures of her face. Everyone in front of the TV had a good time laughing at her expense. But she doesn't know it... so that's okay.
"Alright! Now that our contestants have shot their glaMOURious pictures, we will proceed to the next challenge, right after these important messages from our sponsors!" said Shihan after the last girl was finished.
She then stepped away from the screen, and showed all the girls in all their Nike glory, waving enthusiastically at the camera. And then a huge, cheesy (brought to you in part by) Nike sign, complete with the swipe, appeared, and here we are, back at commercials.
COMMERCIAL 3
-Two guys are standing next to each other-
"Hey, which hotel are you staying at?" asked the one we shall henceforth call 'Bob'.
"Oh, man... I can't tell you which hotel I'm staying at... but it has, TWO TREES, involved," replied the other, and let's just call him Nick.
-canned laughter-
"Oh, you mean, THE DOUBLE TREE HOTEL?!" gasped Bob.
"Oh, of-COURSE not!" laughed Nick. "That's a HORRIBLE hotel! No, no, I'm staying at the QUADRUPLE TREE hotel!"
"But you said, it had TWO TREES in it!" said Bob, confused.
"Of-course it does! Two times two trees, EQUALS FOUR TREES!"
Bob and Nick laughed heartily and got champagne bottles out of nowhere, and a flashing logo bearing the title: QUADRUPLE TREE HOTEL!! appeared above their heads.
"QUADRUPLE TREE HOTEL! COME HERE AND SEE, JUST HOW MANY TREES!!"
o-O-o
Sai, Chouji, Lee, Naruto, and Shino
o-O-o
"That... is the most POINTLESS commercial I have seen in my LIFE," said Naruto, his eye twitching. "Not to mention that corny bit at the end..."
"For once, I agree with dickless here," said Sai, eating some popcorn while reclining on the armchair he had moved to.
"They never even did anything with the champagne bottles!" complained Chouji, reaching over to grab the popcorn and angrily pigging out. "What a waste!"
"Oh, the loss of youthfulness in the commercial these days... it is so VERY pitiful!" wailed Lee, covering his eyes.
Shino just shook his head and continued watching the next commercial.
COMMERCIAL 4
"Do you get annoyed by little kids who tell you knock knock jokes?" asked a man. The scene switched to a woman surrounded by a mob of little children yelling out various knock knock jokes. The scene switched back to the man.
"Not very funny, is it? Well now, with our glow in the dark, neon tags that yell their message out -literally- you won't have ANY trouble!" laughed the man, holding up a bunch of dog-tag shaped necklace pendants. "We can even PERSONALISE your tag! But here are the standards:
Piss off
DO NOT DISTURB
Go away
No jokes
(the middle finger)
"So now, HERE's what the scene would look like!" cheered the man, and the scene switched yet again to the woman. But now, the kids were keeping a far distance, and on her neck were an assortment of tags.
One kid cautiously walked up to her.
"Knock... knock...?" he tried nervously.
"READ THE SIGN, PUNK!" screeched the... tags. Yes, the TAGS, not the woman. Then the children screamed and scattered, running every which way.
"SO! IF YOU WANT TO KEEP LIL' KIDS AT BAY, TRY OUR TAGS!! SATISFACTION GUARANTEED!!" sang the guy over the kids' horrified yells.
o-O-o
Gaara and Kankurou
o-O-o
"That is most pointless product ever..." scowled Gaara as he sipped his Sprite.
"Yeah, who'd want a tag like that? I wouldn't take it even if it was for free," scoffed Kankurou, just to humour Gaara, although he wouldn't mind having kids avoid him. And then Kankurou laughed with his eyes closed for God knows what reasons. When he opened his eyes again, there was a half-empty Sprite can in his face.
"Get me some Dr. Pepper," growled Gaara."I don't like Sprite anymore. They say the recipe for it is lemon and lime... but I know there's more to it than that. I don't want anymore until I figure out what the fuck else is IN IT!!"
"...have you been listening to Mitch Hedberg, Gaara?" inquired Kankurou. "You know, I don't think he was REALLY talking about home-made Sprite... more like... you know... lemon and lime? Sprite? Not Sprite, Sprite, but sprite, Sprite?"
"GIMME SOME DR. PEPPER!!" screamed Gaara, oblivious to Kankurou's reasoning.
"Well, actually, Gaara, we don't HAVE Dr. Pepper," explained Kankurou, taking the Sprite can.
"GET ME SOMETHING!!" roared Gaara.
"Oh geez... Gaara, is this how you are when you're hyper?" asked Kankurou with a raised eyebrow.
Gaara then started laughing. Maniacally and sadistically. And we musn't forget diabolically.
"Okay, yeah, you're hyper!"
"What's going on?" said Temari, who had finished her shower and come in while drying her hair with a towel. "Did Gaara have too much sugar?"
"DAMN SOFT DRINKS TO HELL!" cried Kankurou, chucking the half-full Sprite can at Temari as Gaara continued to laugh.
"DAMN IT KANKUROU!! I'M COVERED IN SPRITE!! NOW I'LL HAVE TO TAKE A SHOWER!! AGAIN!!"
Gaara gasped for air, and then resumed his laughter.
Now, what did you think of that? I know I made Gaara OOC at the end. But hey, EVERYONE gets OOC when they're hyper! But come to think of it, it might not be THAT off for Gaara to laugh maniacally.
REVIEW!! Or fear Foamy's SQUIRRELY WRATH!!
-MC