The Dinner Party Convergence Prologue J. Franklin
THE DINNER PARTY CONVERGENCE
ACT I
(SCENE: AMY's apartment. BERNADETTE and PENNY are with AMY as she frets about the upcoming dinner party. There are three huge whiteboards with multiple arrows and diagrams across each. AMY is clearly distraught and holding a notepad and magic marker.)
BERNADETTE: I don't understand. What's wrong?
AMY: (Aghast. Nods toward whiteboards) Isn't it obvious? (PENNY and BERNADETTE take step back and look at the drawings and diagrams. They shake their heads.)
BERNADETTE: (Meekly) No!
AMY: (Sighs) Look. (Takes her back to first whiteboard and begins tracing arrows.) First, we start with the fact that there are three couples plus Raj, each of different ethnicities and food preferences. Then we add the religious elements for Raj and Howard –
BERNADETTE: But Howard doesn't keep kosher! And Raj eats beef all the time!
AMY: (Sighs again) Yes, but as hostess I am required to show respect for guests' sensitivities – they can ignore them on their own, but I have to be more courteous! To do otherwise would be socially ungracious!
PENNY: (Trying to be helpful) I really don't think –
AMY: (Ignoring her) But then there are also the appetites to consider. Some guests will be larger and thus hungrier, some will be – (Looks at BERNADETTE) – more height restricted. (Pauses) And then there are the non-religious dietary restrictions!
PENNY: (Snaps fingers) Leonard's lactose intolerance!
AMY: Right! (PENNY beams. AMY traces more arrows on whiteboard.) Which means any dairy product is out for dessert along with any cheese side dishes for appetizers.
BERNADETTE: What about just worrying about the main course and letting people bring their own appetizers?
AMY: (Amazed) Are you crazy?! With beef and pork off the menu, that leaves us with only lamb, chicken, or vegetarian as options. Sheldon is from east Texas. Meat is not a staple there; it's a mandatory dietary requirement! So that leaves me with chicken or lamb. And since I have no lamb recipes –
PENNY: Then just do chicken!
AMY: (Pauses) I can see I'm going to have to slow this down for both of you. (Traces finger to second whiteboard) None of my mother's recipes for chicken pass the health test since they're all FRIED.
BERNADETTE: What about just serving pasta?
AMY: (Glares) You really don't think I've thought this through, do you? Pasta means too many carbohydrates when added to the breads, appetizers, and desserts! It also has to be served with sauce, which statistically speaking always has a (Scribbles on board from paper notepad in other hand) 42.6% chance of staining at least one houseguest after he or she consumes (Checks pad again and turns page to write once more on whiteboard) 2.5 glasses of wine. Which brings me to – (Traces to third whiteboard) – the complimentary beverage choices.
PENNY: At this point, I think any alcohol will be fine, Amy.
AMY: No, because I won't know wine what to pair with until I know what we're serving for dinner first!
PENNY: (Sighs) No, I meant like right NOW, Amy!
AMY: (Sighs and shakes head) You have it so easy because of your sexuality. You have no idea what it's like for the rest of us.
BERNADETTE: Amy, don't you think maybe you're overdoing this just a little?
AMY: Overdoing it? OVERDOING IT?! Oh, please! (Camera follows her across the set to her table. We see seven size-appropriate, crash-test dummies seated around the table, each with a wig corresponding to a character. RAJ's wears a brunette wig, HOWARD's sports a Beatle haircut, BERNADETTE's features a blond wig with pink-framed glasses, LEONARD's wears black horn-rimmed glasses, AMY's has long brown hair, SHELDON'S wears a "Flash" t-shirt while PENNY's is overly endowed with another blond wig.) Do you have ANY idea how long the seating arrangements took me to plan just by themselves? I had to take into consideration not only the height of the guests but also the nature of their relations with one other on a social scale AND to me as hostess without offending anyone's sensitivities. (Pauses) Sheldon said the math alone took almost three hours! (Sits and begins hyperventilating)
PENNY: Okay, okay. Calm down. We'll help you with this. Everything will be fine.
AMY: Easy for you to say. You're blond and can always rely on your boobs for distraction.
PENNY: (Pauses) Hmm. Actually, I think I know another way we can distract people.
BERNADETTE: What's that?
PENNY: Well, it's an old trick I learned back in high school –
AMY: Which is?
PENNY: Get them bombed so they won't know the difference.
AMY: (Quizzical) My mother always said never to look to alcohol as a solution.
PENNY: Don't think of it as a solution. Think of it as more of a…social catalyst!
AMY: What do you mean?
PENNY: Well, I think the gang will be happy with whatever food you decide to make. Bernadette and I can take care of the appetizers and desserts – we'll make sure to have a variety so you can focus on the dinner – and Bernadette can help you pick out the wines for tonight.
AMY: But how will we know which ones we need?
PENNY: (Answering quickly) We'll just get a few of each and we'll be fine! (Pauses and says quietly to BERNADETTE) Just be sure you get lots of bottles!
AMY: (Unsure) I don't know…
PENNY: Well, there's also the potential side benefit to consider…
AMY: Which is?
PENNY: (Voice goes up in pitch) Welllll, since the beginning of time people have been using food and drink with lots of alcohol to lure members of the opposite sex…(Smiles. Nods.)
AMY: You're suggesting I use tonight's dinner party as a launching pad so my guests can have an orgy in my apartment?
PENNY: No, not an orgy for your guests. But maybe to help loosen some inhibitions for one guest in particular?
AMY: (Thinking it through) Oh. OH! (Smiles) Oh, but wait! Sheldon doesn't drink!
PENNY: No, Sheldon doesn't KNOWINGLY drink!
AMY: (Frowns) Are you suggesting I use alcohol surreptitiously to impair my boyfriend's judgment for illicit purposes?
PENNY: (Deadpans) Pretty much, yeah.
BERNADETTE: (Nodding) That's what it sounded like to me!
AMY: (Pauses. Nods energetically.) I'm in! What do we have to do?
PENNY: Well, here's what I would suggest…
(Dissolve to: PENNY's apartment. LEONARD is watching television and visibly frustrated. He is wearing a jacket, collared shirt, and jeans. PENNY is in the back room.)
LEONARD: I don't know why you can't just pick something out. We're going to be late!
PENNY: (Irritated) I told you. This is important for Amy, so I want to make sure I look good but not so good that I look like I'm trying to show her up as the hostess!
LEONARD: But no one's going to care what you're wearing!
PENNY: Not the right thing to say to your girlfriend, Leonard!
LEONARD: No, I mean…(Sighs) Look, we're always getting together for dinner. Why should tonight be any different?
PENNY: Because it's Amy's first dinner party and she's nervous!
LEONARD: But why does that have to affect us?
PENNY: Because it does! (Emerges wearing a tight black cocktail dress.) What do you think?
LEONARD: (Looks only momentarily) You look fine.
PENNY: (Nods, irritated) Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say. (Pauses) Now I have to go try on something else just to piss you off some more.
LEONARD: (Losing his temper) Oh, for crying out loud! No one is going to be paying any attention to what you're wearing!
PENNY: (From back room) Women will!
LEONARD: But it's just Bernadette and Amy!
PENNY: Girlfriends are the harshest judges, Leonard!
LEONARD: (Looks at watch) What time are we supposed to be there again?
PENNY: Seven thirty!
LEONARD: It's nearly ten of!
PENNY: Relax. Bernadette is with Amy, so even if we're a bit late, everything's going to be alright!
(Dissolve to: AMY's apartment. BERNADETTE is opening the door for PENNY and LEONARD, who are not looking at one another. BERNADETTE sighs.)
BERNADETTE: I'm so glad you guys are here! Things aren't well at all!
LEONARD: (Irritated) Yeah, well, they're not going so well for some of us, either.
PENNY: (Equally upset) Give a rest, Leonard!
BERNADETTE: What took you guys so long?
LEONARD: Ask Penny!
PENNY: (To BERNADETTE) I had a hard time picking out an outfit for tonight.
BERNADETTE: (Eyes widen in sympathy) Oh, that's okay then. I know just how you feel. (LEONARD rolls eyes)
LEONARD: Where's the bar?
BERNADETTE: (Points across room) It's over there. Howard's there now. (Turns to PENNY) Can I see you for a moment?
PENNY: Sure, but I'm going to need to hit the bar myself soon.
BERNADETTE: Funny you should mention that. That's sort of what I want to talk to you about –
(Cut to: The inside of AMY's bedroom. PENNY and BERNADETTE enter. Slowly the camera pans across the room. Several outfits are strewn all over place. In the corner we see AMY slumped over in a chair unconscious, an empty bottle of wine next to her.)
PENNY: (Aghast) Oh, my God! What happened?
BERNADETTE: Well, I took her wine shopping, and she wanted to make absolutely sure all the wines were suitable, so we started doing a tasting –
PENNY: Okay, but how much did you taste?!
BERNADETTE: Um, all of them, I think. (Pauses) By the end it wasn't even an official tasting. It was more of an Amy-wants-to-start-opening-bottles-on-her-own-and- do-a-personal-test kind of tasting!
PENNY: (Looking back at AMY) Oh, my GOD! How much did she have?!
BERNADETTE: I don't know! But before we left she invited one of her lab assistants to join us for dinner –
PENNY: (Narrows gaze) Which lab assistant?
BERNADETTE: It's okay. It's Steve.
PENNY: Gay Steve?
BERNADETTE: Is there more than one Steve at the lab?
PENNY: Never mind. So, what else happened?
BERNADETTE: Well, by the time we got back home, she was singing and saying something about her toothbrush being overdue for a biological replacement. (Pauses) Do you know what that means?
PENNY: (Pauses) Ah, yeah. I think I do. But let's talk about that later! Can she walk?
BERNADETTE: I don't know!
PENNY: Okay, I'll see if I can get her on her feet. You go back to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee!
BERNADETTE: Okay. And I better tell Howie to go easy on the drinks – he's playing bartender tonight!
PENNY: You let HOWARD be bartender?
BERNADETTE: (Nods guiltily) He's needed a hobby ever since he came back from space! This seemed like something that would keep him occupied!
PENNY: (Pauses in doorway) Great. Amy's already drunk and Howard Wolowitz has access to free alcohol. What could possibly be wrong with the rest of this picture?
(Cut to: HOWARD before a collection of liquor bottles shaking a cocktail. He has several glasses lined up in front of him.)
HOWARD: (To himself) Okay, Howard J. Wolowitz, engineer extraordinaire, Halo champion, and role model for Jewish astronauts everywhere, time to get your alcohol freak on! (Removes lid from shaker and strains drinks across glasses. Smiles.) Outstanding! (Pauses) Now, if only I could remember what I put in them…
(LEONARD appears behind him holding his glass.)
LEONARD: Hey, Howard? Which way to the bathroom?
HOWARD: (Without turning to face him) Down the hall, second door on the right.
LEONARD: Thanks. (Turns away)
(A knock is heard at the door. HOWARD opens it to reveal STEVE. He is tall and dressed in khakis with a collared shirt.)
HOWARD: (Recognizing him) Oh, hey, Steve. C'mon in. Bernadette said Amy told her you were coming.
STEVE: Thanks. (They shake hands)
HOWARD: Good to see you again.
STEVE: You, too. How are things in the engineering circles?
HOWARD: Well, to tell you the truth, everything's been kind of boring –
STEVE: (Rolls eyes and finishes sentence with him) – since you got back from space. I got it.
HOWARD: Can I pour you a drink? I make a mean grasshopper!
STEVE: Oh, please. It's like all straight people ever think. You know, every gay guy on the planet has to like fruity, light-colored drinks!
HOWARD: Okay, what else would you prefer?
STEVE: Chardonnay, please.
HOWARD: Coming right up. (Moves back to bar and pours glass of wine.)
STEVE: (Looking around) So, where is everybody?
HOWARD: The girls are all in the back. Something about a wine tasting gone wrong, but I didn't get the full story. Here. (Hands him wine.)
STEVE: Thanks.
HOWARD: So, Bernadette tells me you're single now?
STEVE: (Rolls eyes) Yeah. And please don't try and set me up with anyone. I'm so sick and tired of straight friends trying to play matchmaker!
HOWARD: (Lifts hand) Perish the thought! Just trying to make idle conversation.
STEVE: Well, truth be told, I'm actually okay just being single for now, you know?
HOWARD: Tell me about it. Before Bernadette, I'd given up on women. (Pauses) Well, not as a gender, you know, but –
STEVE: Relax. I know what you mean. Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier if I were straight!
HOWARD: Really? Because I always thought gay guys had it easier. You both have the same body types, you both know what the other prefers, you never have to worry about hormonal overloads once a month –
STEVE: (Shakes head) Oh, trust me. Gay men can be just as bitchy as women.
HOWARD: (Amazed) Wow. I never thought of it like that.
(Another knock at the door.)
HOWARD: (Getting up as BERNADETTE enters from AMY'S bedroom to make coffee) I'll get it.
STEVE: But yeah, right now, I just want to be single and unattached. No more worrying about relationships for a while! I just want to relax and have fun.
(HOWARD opens the door. RAJ enters. He is clad head to toe in studded black leather attire and boots. His hair is greased back and he struts through the door.)
RAJ: What's up, dude?
HOWARD: (Surprised) What's – what's with all the getup?
RAJ: You like it? I got this outfit today. It's like I told you. It was time for a change. I had to stop pretending and just embrace who it is I really want to be!
HOWARD: A refugee from a Village People tribute group?
RAJ: No, dude! The real me! The old Raj was always afraid to talk to women, but now that I'm free, I can do whatever I want. I never have to worry about being uncomfortable around women again!
STEVE: (Overhearing) Um, hello? (Rises to feet)
RAJ: (Turns to him) Oh, hello.
STEVE: (Extends hand) Steve Zelinsky.
RAJ: (Shaking hands) Rajesh Koothrappali.
(BERNADETTE emerges from the back room and sees RAJ. She motions to HOWARD.)
BERNADETTE: Um, Howard? Can I see you for a second?
HOWARD: Pardon me, guys. The little woman calls! (Walks over to BERNADETTE) What's up?
BERNADETTE: (Glances past him) What's going on? Why is Raj dressed like that?
HOWARD: (Glances over shoulder) To be honest, I'm not really sure. But this should be interesting tonight.
BERNADETTE: (Angry) Howie! I'm not so sure this is really a good idea.
HOWARD: (Confused) What do you mean?
BERNADETTE: Well, you know. Raj all dressed up in that biker getup and Steve having just broken up with his boyfriend last week –
HOWARD: Oh, relax! What could possibly go wrong?
(Cut to: RAJ and STEVE sitting on the couch. RAJ is sipping a white wine as well.)
STEVE: I really like your outfit!
RAJ: Thanks. I decided I really needed a change. I was just tired of always being the guy who everyone knew couldn't be comfortable around women.
STEVE: (Brightening) Really? You don't say!
RAJ: No. It's always been that way. Guys, I can talk to. Women, it's like they're just some kind of strange alien race I don't understand.
STEVE: I know just what you mean.
RAJ: (Sipping wine) So, today I decided no more charades. I was going to go out and buy something for myself that shows everybody the new me.
STEVE: Good for you! I remember when I first made the acknowledgment. It wasn't easy. (Notices RAJ's glass is nearly empty.) Can I get you another drink?
RAJ: (Chugs remaining wine) Yes, please. Thank you.
(Steve takes his glass and rises. As he walks around the sofa, he looks over at BERNADETTE and HOWARD, flashes a concealed "thumbs up" and winks.)
BERNADETTE: Actually, I think quite a lot is already going wrong…
(Cut to Commercial)
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